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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I recorded our argument… Should I tell him?

70 replies

Drift101 · 25/10/2021 12:55

Please be gentle…

Communication has always been a real struggle in our relationship. My partner is extremely argumentative and accuses me of things I haven’t said or done when we’re speaking. Not from days or months before but within the same conversation he’ll twist it and create a different narrative.

Last night we were talking and 2 minutes in I could feel things heading down a negative path so I impulsively set my phone to record.

I wanted to do this as proof of how he behaves but also to find out if maybe I’m missing something and I am doing this things he accuses me of.

I’ve listened back to it and I don’t do any of it but he is constantly accusing me and twisting the conversation.

Now what do I do with the recording?

  • Nothing and just decide what to do with the relationship?
  • Play it to him in the hope that listening objectively he’ll see how he is?
  • Nothing but suggest we hit record in future as a therapeutic exercise to work through our problems?

Part of me feels guilty for doing it but after such a long time of being treated this way I just snapped and had to hear it for myself, outside of the moment.

Everything else is great but I can’t say the slightest thing without ww3…

Thank you in advance

OP posts:
ftw163532 · 25/10/2021 12:56

Plan how to leave this abuser.

Justmuddlingalong · 25/10/2021 12:57

I would be questioning the relationship if it's got to that point.

ExcitedtoTry · 25/10/2021 12:59

You listen to it 10x over and come to terms with the fact this is a bad relationship. He doesn't deserve your time and 'everything else is great' is a lie you're telling yourself to survive.

If you tell him, he will simply twist this too.

Look what you've been made to do. This is so toxic.

Chloemol · 25/10/2021 13:00

Nothing and leave. He’s an abuser

Waahingwashingwashing · 25/10/2021 13:02

Dump the boyfriend.

Sandybeachtowel · 25/10/2021 13:02

For god sake don’t tell him.
In your head if you play him it, he will see what he’s done wrong and grovel to
You and everything will be rosey again. That’s the fantasy in your head.
The reality will be that he will think you are completely wrong and he will never level with you and hold it against you forever.
Just do the easy thing and get shot of him. This isn’t how a relationship is supposed to be.

Dillydollydingdong · 25/10/2021 13:03

Everything is great? How can it be if he is constantly inventing and causing trouble for no reason?

Opentooffers · 25/10/2021 13:04

Keep recording your arguments and listen back to them yourself. Hopefully, then it will sink in to you what he is like and finally leave him.
I wouldn't play them back to him, it won't make any difference, he knows what he's doing is wrong already. He will just deflect from what he's doing by pointing out how wrong you are by recoding it, so any point you make will be lost and overidden, he'll then likely use your recording him as a stick to beat you with.
But if you need that reassurance of how bad he is, by all means reflect on it yourself until it gives you the gumption to leave.

TheChip · 25/10/2021 13:23

Just leave. Its abuse. It sounds very similar to my ex, and I had to record to see if I was going insane and had memory problems like he would claim. Turned out, what I thought was happening was confirmed with the recordings.

I also thought that if he heard himself, he might see some sense and work on the issues. Nope. He had a fake breakdown and somehow ended up talking about his childhood. How this and that...completely all irrelevant to what was actually happening but you know what happened? The usual...me comforting him and before I knew it we were carrying on as normal, until the next time when I found myself recording the shit show again.
This happened a few times before I found the strength to fully trust that I was not in the wrong. Along with the help from a therapist he got me as he tried having me diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Please just leave and don't let it get as far as I did.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/10/2021 13:27

Everything else is great but I can’t say the slightest thing without ww3…

Both parts of this cannot be true.

Everything is absolutely not great in this relationship.

It's at best highly dysfunctional and at worst abusive

FatJan · 25/10/2021 13:28

Leave. This isn't going to get better. If you play it to him he'll twist it and make you sound like you're the one in the wrong until you believe it.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 25/10/2021 13:30

Everything is great as long as you are doing and saying everything he wants you to. Sounds like very hard work. Get shot he won’t see the error of his ways he will just use it as more ammunition.

Muchmorethan · 25/10/2021 13:48

My XH would do this. So I stopped having an opinion as he would twist anything I'd say. Gaslighting.

So glad he's an Ex as l really did question my sanity and memory

onelittlefrog · 25/10/2021 13:52

@Sandybeachtowel

For god sake don’t tell him. In your head if you play him it, he will see what he’s done wrong and grovel to You and everything will be rosey again. That’s the fantasy in your head. The reality will be that he will think you are completely wrong and he will never level with you and hold it against you forever. Just do the easy thing and get shot of him. This isn’t how a relationship is supposed to be.
This.

Playing it back to him probably isn't going to pan out how you hope it will. He will likely be upset at having been recorded without his knowledge/consent.

If you are not happy in the relationship then you simply need to find a way to leave and don't look back. Doing things like this will not help.

CreepySpider · 25/10/2021 13:53

Once your relationship is at the stage you are recording him, it’s over.

FOJN · 25/10/2021 13:53

Everything is not great from what you describe.

The recording will serve as a useful reminder for you about what he's really like. Don't fool yourself he is unaware of what he's doing and he would have a light bulb moment if you play him the recording, he knows exactly what he's doing and he will be furious if you present him with proof of your point.

This will not get better, he wants you wrong footed by constant conflict in which he "reframes" everything you say to make it look like you are the unreasonable one. He has already driven you to record a conversation to check if you really are guilty of the things he accuses you of, thats just the beginning of getting you to question your sanity.

I bet you walk away from no end of everyday conversations (simple things like asking what time he will be back from work or what to have for dinner) which end in an argument but start with you approaching him in an entirely neutral manner and then find yourself confused about how things escalated. If that resonates then you need to get out of this relationship now, it's abusive, you just don't know it yet.

FetchezLaVache · 25/10/2021 13:54

Don't tell him, OP. I would worry how angry it would make him if you presented him with irrefutable evidence of his gaslighting of you.

You aren't ready to see what everyone else can, which is that he is abusive. I get it, I've been there. You didn't explain it properly, he really is a great guy, it's just that sometimes you get confused about what you think you said - we don't know him, we don't understand how amazing he is and how special your relationship is, it's just that sometimes you can't tell your best friends about things he's done because it'd paint him in a bad light and he's really not like that. Etc. Everything else is great until it's not.

I would advise you to follow the advice of a PP and keep recording your arguments so that you can play them back to yourself until you can't deny it any longer.

clockover · 25/10/2021 13:55

Everything else is great but I can’t say the slightest thing without ww3…

If you can't speak freely without it creating ww3 then nothing is great.

FetchezLaVache · 25/10/2021 13:56

He will likely be upset at having been recorded without his knowledge/consent

That's how he will present it, but it's being caught in his lies that actually upsets him.

Corkit · 25/10/2021 14:05

All you will do by playing the recording to him is give him a stick to beat you with, 'you're mental/paranoid/invading his privacy' recording him and he will make himself the victim and you the abuser (google DARVO). But the recording is valuable knowledge for you, use it to find your anger at the way he's gaslighting you and propel you away from this relationship, this will not get better Flowers

cuttlefishgame · 25/10/2021 14:06

@clockover

Everything else is great but I can’t say the slightest thing without ww3…

If you can't speak freely without it creating ww3 then nothing is great.

^ This is so true.

Things are only great some of the time because that's when he's got you behaving the way he wants you to behave. The minute you step out of line, well he can't have that, can he? He has to put you in your place.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 25/10/2021 14:07

Leave him
If it's got to this point the relationship is well over

Monsterpumpkins · 25/10/2021 14:10

So you admit life is great if you keep your gob shut?
Fuck that.
Recording abuse is Jeremy Kyle stuff...
Ltb and don't look back.

Original poster
Drift101 · 25/10/2021 14:13

Thank you everyone.

I’m absolutely heartbroken but I know you’re right… We own this house together, and whilst I can afford the mortgage payments on my own, I won’t meet the banks eligibility for 4x salary by myself so will likely lose the house I love too.

I’m also 35 and feel like I’ve wasted a chunk of my fertility if I’m to leave now.

I’m absolutely devastated. Thank god for working from home so I can just cry…

OP posts:
Original poster
Drift101 · 25/10/2021 14:13

Please tell me it can get better and there’s hope out there…

OP posts: