I recorded our argument… Should I tell him?

[Drift101]

Please be gentle…

Communication has always been a real struggle in our relationship. My partner is extremely argumentative and accuses me of things I haven’t said or done when we’re speaking. Not from days or months before but within the same conversation he’ll twist it and create a different narrative.

Last night we were talking and 2 minutes in I could feel things heading down a negative path so I impulsively set my phone to record.

I wanted to do this as proof of how he behaves but also to find out if maybe I’m missing something and I am doing this things he accuses me of.

I’ve listened back to it and I don’t do any of it but he is constantly accusing me and twisting the conversation.

Now what do I do with the recording?

• Nothing and just decide what to do with the relationship?
• Play it to him in the hope that listening objectively he’ll see how he is?
• Nothing but suggest we hit record in future as a therapeutic exercise to work through our problems?

Part of me feels guilty for doing it but after such a long time of being treated this way I just snapped and had to hear it for myself, outside of the moment.

Everything else is great but I can’t say the slightest thing without ww3…

Thank you in advance

Work out how to leave. Honestly, I used to work with someone who did this in single conversations and he was a nightmare. Everyone knew he was a problem. No way would I be in a relationship with someone who did this.

@Drift101

Please tell me it can get better and there’s hope out there…

Life will be better if you aren't with him. It would be horrendously irresponsible to have a baby with someone who behaves like this as well.

Read the book 'Gaslighting' by Stephanie sarkis.

In the kindest possible way, that fertility is already wasted. Don't throw good fertile years after bad.

Work out how to leave and then go.

I was with someone for 2 years who I fought with a lot in my late 20s and it was an absolute nightmare, always thought he was right etc - started arguments with me, told me what to do. We were both worried about settling down at our ages so stuck together, thank god we didn't move in together, he wanted a baby with me even if we split up! I thankfully declined that kind offer.

Get out now and find someone nice. He definitely won't thank you for recording this and will twist it to you and if you're at the stage of recording arguments to try and fix things you know it's over really.

It's meant to be a relationship, not a court room.

It's meant to be characterised by a deep, underlying sense of trust in each other, not the need for evidence of damage to personal wellbeing.

The problem has nothing to do with you recording him. The problem is that you know you don't trust him, but your instinct is not to leave.

Why is that? Why are you wanting to stay with a partner you can't trust?

I’m absolutely heartbroken but I know you’re right… We own this house together, and whilst I can afford the mortgage payments on my own, I won’t meet the banks eligibility for 4x salary by myself so will likely lose the house I love too.

I’m also 35 and feel like I’ve wasted a chunk of my fertility if I’m to leave now.

I’m absolutely devastated. Thank god for working from home so I can just cry…

So you’re more concerned that you’ll loose the house and you’ve wasted your fertile years than being separated from the man you love - that tells you everything.

This relationship is over.
Don’t waste anymore of your life waiting for something that’s never going to get better.

If children is something you want then you know you can’t have them with this man if you are constantly arguing.
Go and find someone else to have a child with but you need to leave him ASAP as your biological clock is running out.

Please tell me it can get better and there’s hope out there…

Your life will improve immeasurably as soon as you get rid of this awful man. Imagine not having to walk on egg shells all the time.

I would not record anything like this, its rather strange and weird to resort to such things. It's like something out of a crime drama, and should not be necessary in a home relationship situation.

I really thought that playing it to him would help and that he’d understand and we could move forwards.

I also expected to be persecuted for resorting to such desperate measures. The support and kind words has made me feel much less alone…

I’m going to look into the resources that have been mentioned, it did bring a smile when I accidentally searched Davro and was met with Bobby rather than Darvo. A moment of lightness in what is a very dark situation…

@Drift101

Thank you everyone.

I’m absolutely heartbroken but I know you’re right… We own this house together, and whilst I can afford the mortgage payments on my own, I won’t meet the banks eligibility for 4x salary by myself so will likely lose the house I love too.

I’m also 35 and feel like I’ve wasted a chunk of my fertility if I’m to leave now.

I’m absolutely devastated. Thank god for working from home so I can just cry…

None of these things are a reason to stay in an abusive relationship. It would be cruel to bring a child into it. Please start taking steps to end things. You have plenty of time to meet someone who actually respects you and will treat you well.

Talk to the bank and find out your mortgage options

Thing is OP you know how this is going to be if you stay, it will be more of the same which will continue to make you miserable and will be worse still with DC in the mix. The alternative may seem devastating now but you would be free to find real happiness elsewhere, something you'll never have with someone who turns everything around on you. Don't choose to put up with less than you deserve and sacrifice your happiness because of a house or sunken costs or fear of change, change is only bad when what you already have is perfect.

@1forAll74

I would not record anything like this, its rather strange and weird to resort to such things. It's like something out of a crime drama, and should not be necessary in a home relationship situation.

Why not! She has done well to recognise that the relationship isn't a normal, loving one so she was right to record it as proof of that. She doesn't need to let anyone else listen to it but it's a good reminder to her that he's abusive and she can play it over to herself in the coming days if she has any doubts about breaking up with him.

I wouldn't play it to him either. He will only twist it and then he will likely make you out to be the bad one because you're secretly recording him and it will then become all about that!

@sofato5miles

Talk to the bank and find out your mortgage options

And/or talk to a mortgage broker as you may find your bank's terms are quite restrictive and they won't lend to you but that doesn't mean all banks and building societies will take the same approach. A good broker who isn't tied to particular banks etc will have a good idea which companies to approach/what you might be able to borrow realistically. I've used London & Country when switching my mortgage on I think 4 occasions now and found them to be excellent, including the first time I approached them when my then-mortgage provider couldn't accommodate me when my circumstances changed. Good luck.

Gaslighting 101 OP. I've had 20 years of experience of this very thing. It does what it says on the tin and makes you feel like you're going mad. You CANNOT win an argument with a man like this. Your partner may not know there's a word for this.. BUT he knows the cause and effect. Record or make notes of the conversation. But agree with others, don't play it back, do it for your own sanity and start to consider leaving him. 💐

@ftw163532

Plan how to leave this abuser.

This. Immediately

I don’t think you’ll lose the house, if you continue quietly paying the mortgage on time. I went from a couple to single to unemployed and, to my knowledge, Santander had no magical way of knowing!

Nothing and just decide what to do with the relationship?
Sound plan, & good instincts. Well done. You are waking up to how ... one-sided your relationship is. It's fine to take stock. You did well to record it - it signifies an unwillingness to tolerate his bullshit any more.

Play it to him in the hope that listening objectively he’ll see how he is?
No. In fact NO NO NO NO NO!
I can tell you what will happen.
You will be instantly cast as the villain, while he franctically DARVO's you for being Too Sensitive, & Making It All About You, & The Evil Witch Who Recorded Me.
He will see this is the perfect opportunity to berate & twist your words & motivations even further out of whack.
He will never take an objective view - because HE IS NOT OBJECTIVE.
He is unreasonable & abusive - he only accepts his view, he is 100% subjective.

Nothing but suggest we hit record in future as a therapeutic exercise to work through our problems?
Again - NO.
Could even be dangerous.
He thinks it's fine to manipulate & gaslight you. However ... he also knows it's immoral, & wouldn't like the possibility that a third party might get wind of how he speaks to you.
I bet he doesn't do this in public, right? - he's all charm & smarm. He saves the browbeating for behind closed doors, yes?

Don't feel guilty.
He has destablised your sense of self so thoroughly that you had to record him to prove to yourself how bad it actually is. To be able to listen to it outside of the moment, without him undermining you & threatening WW3 for any disagreement.

Well played OP.
It will feel horrible for a while, but you have been numb, & as your feelings & self-reliance start to re-emerge, things will sting for a while. But all break-ups are painful. You will deal with yours when you are ready to do so. Don't push yourself, allow yourself to process the revelations I believe are starting to come to you, at your own pace.

You will feel so much better without this controlling fuckwit in your life. You'll be able to breathe, have opinions, be celebrated for being you - not the cowed & submissive possession he is trying to turn you into.

When my fixed rate deal ended, I couldn’t remortgage with a new company because I didn’t look like a great customer (on paper).

But I got new deals with Santander several times over the years as I was an existing customer.

@TheChip

Just leave. Its abuse. It sounds very similar to my ex, and I had to record to see if I was going insane and had memory problems like he would claim. Turned out, what I thought was happening was confirmed with the recordings.

I also thought that if he heard himself, he might see some sense and work on the issues. Nope. He had a fake breakdown and somehow ended up talking about his childhood. How this and that...completely all irrelevant to what was actually happening but you know what happened? The usual...me comforting him and before I knew it we were carrying on as normal, until the next time when I found myself recording the shit show again.
This happened a few times before I found the strength to fully trust that I was not in the wrong. Along with the help from a therapist he got me as he tried having me diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Please just leave and don't let it get as far as I did.

Christ on a bike, @TheChip

I've admired your posting style awhile.
Now I know where you got your insight.

Your ex belongs in a gothic horror. You, however, are awesome

Thank goodness I have you all as my support network. Your words of wisdom have helped hugely and I’m so sorry to hear of others that have been through the same but glad you’ve survived it.

I’ve stopped crying and I’m now forming a plan of action beginning with calling the mortgage provider. I’ve also reached out to my broker who is a wonderful woman.

Can I ask @Hen2018 Did your ex stay on the mortgage? Did you not worry about them trying to claim on the house or get money from you in future?

Ha, @Drift101! I bet Davro's agent can't understand why he's being Googled so much and not getting any work. ;)

@Drift101

Please tell me it can get better and there’s hope out there…

It will my dear Drift.

One day, you will get past the sorrow of 'losing' your lovely house - because you are so busy planning what you can afford to buy just for you, where it will be, how you can get the most out of your budget, & how to make your new, if possibly smaller or less well located, home as warm & welcoming & stress free as you wish.

One day, you will get past the rage & sorrow & frustration & fear of your current relationship, because you are so busy having a new relationship with yourself.

One day, you will find yourself laughing with friends, or exchanging robust opinions, & marvel at the simplicity & good nature of decent humans. You will be too busy to mourn this toxic relationship, & you will look back & thank yourself for the day your first recorded your b/f's gaslighting arse ...

That is a hell of a lot of stuff to hope for, & it's all yours, just as soon as you feel ready to swallow the unpleasantness of the breakup & house logistics, & go out & take life by the horns again.