I recorded our argument… Should I tell him?

[Drift101]

Please be gentle…

Communication has always been a real struggle in our relationship. My partner is extremely argumentative and accuses me of things I haven’t said or done when we’re speaking. Not from days or months before but within the same conversation he’ll twist it and create a different narrative.

Last night we were talking and 2 minutes in I could feel things heading down a negative path so I impulsively set my phone to record.

I wanted to do this as proof of how he behaves but also to find out if maybe I’m missing something and I am doing this things he accuses me of.

I’ve listened back to it and I don’t do any of it but he is constantly accusing me and twisting the conversation.

Now what do I do with the recording?

• Nothing and just decide what to do with the relationship?
• Play it to him in the hope that listening objectively he’ll see how he is?
• Nothing but suggest we hit record in future as a therapeutic exercise to work through our problems?

Part of me feels guilty for doing it but after such a long time of being treated this way I just snapped and had to hear it for myself, outside of the moment.

Everything else is great but I can’t say the slightest thing without ww3…

Thank you in advance

It depends really, do you genuinely think he will listen to it objectively and realise that he's handling it wrong, or will you just get blamed for recording him and he will use it as an excuse for more arguments?

@1forAll74

I would not record anything like this, its rather strange and weird to resort to such things. It's like something out of a crime drama, and should not be necessary in a home relationship situation.

All that proves is that you have not been in a relationship where you felt it was necessary to prove to yourself that you were not losing your sanity.

Lucky old you.

Not sure how you imagined this particular piece of smuggery benefits OP - but you do you, @1forAll74

I agree with @ChargingBuck that you should not ever let him know he was recorded.

I think you have the evidence you need to move forwards. At moments when you doubt yourself, you can review your evidence again.

I understand why you needed it, because I've been involved with a gaslighter before. These people are so confusing & make you really doubt yourself.

Thank you @ChargingBuck yep he was and still is a dick.

OP - it will get better and easier.
You don't realise how much weight they put on to your shoulders until they've gone.
The battle will change with the house and things, but you will have more strength and fight in you to deal with it.
You will continue going from strength to strength. Where as if you stay with him you will fall further into the pit.

You've got this, OP

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/

This site has lots of great advice and PDF downloads about the law and what happens to property/custody/etc. during a separation or divorce.

As for wasting your time (or fertility) on him, 35 is absolutely not too old to conceive and just think of how much time you might have wasted having kids with someone who abuses you. You have saved yourself years of misery by seeing his abuse now. xxx

Positive update, I’ve spoken to the mortgage provider and they were incredibly helpful.

They talked me through a range of options and it looks as though I’ll be able to keep the house and mortgage it on my own all being well.

I honestly can’t begin to thank you enough.

I was in the darkest place and felt so weak, beaten down and like I was about to lose everything. Now I feel much stronger, it’ll still be a hard road, but I really can see that it will work out and I can start again.

Thank you

That's good news, @Drift101, and it's good to fire up your fighting spirit. Well done

Well done, @Drift101 !

Keep going OP. You deserve better.

He won't care if you play it to him, he's gaslighting you. He will never be worth your time. He's abusive, leave him, unless you want to live like this for the rest of your life. I hope there is no children. X

It won't get better, there's no hope x

Glad you're feeling strong, keep us updated. X

That does sound like good news, re the mortgage.

Don't pin all your hopes on it ... but what an uplifting thought, to be able to quit the relationship without the upheaval of moving (for YOU, anyway ).

And if it doesn't come off - that's ok too. You will still have the gumption to make a good compromise in choosing your next home, which will be just for you.

You haven't got kids yet then? That's good. There's a saying "look at the mother, that's what the daughter will turn out like". It goes for men too. If the man's a bad'un, chances are his son will take after him. My ExH was an alcoholic dishonest, ex-jailbird charmer. No money. No career. Ds1 is the same.

Telling him of the recording will be giving him another stick to beat you with.

You can’t reason with the unreasonable.

By "everything else" do you mean that he's a multi-millionaire with a gold plated dick?
If not, keep the recording and delete the boyfriend.

Ooh, you are doing 👍🏻

*Positive update, I’ve spoken to the mortgage provider and they were incredibly helpful.+

They talked me through a range of options and it looks as though I’ll be able to keep the house and mortgage it on my own all being well.

Fantastic update OP!

I’m just thinking though if you own the house together what happens to his half?
Would you have to buy him out?

@Drift101

Positive update, I’ve spoken to the mortgage provider and they were incredibly helpful.

They talked me through a range of options and it looks as though I’ll be able to keep the house and mortgage it on my own all being well.

I honestly can’t begin to thank you enough.

I was in the darkest place and felt so weak, beaten down and like I was about to lose everything. Now I feel much stronger, it’ll still be a hard road, but I really can see that it will work out and I can start again.

Thank you

This is great news!

And there is definitely hope! I met my DP at 36 and he’s amazing. We’re planning on having a family. There’s time and your babies deserve a great dad to match their mum x

Well done, op.