Uncomfortable situation with MiL

[Theseleavesweremadeforcrunchin]

My relationship with my MiL has generally been very positive, we're very different people (different opinions on brexit, voting, social situations etc) but I love the woman and adore spending time with my In-Laws.
I've been with my DH 12 years and have always been fat in this time, and it's never really bothered me. I've got a couple of health issues that makes it very hard for me to maintain weight loss (thanks PCOS) and though the last 2 years I've been working through some unresolved childhood trauma that has led to my counselor helping work through my emotional response to anxiety rather than binging on comfort food and I'm on the list to deal with my disordered eating. However, I don't live off beige food, love veggies and exercise multiple times a week.
However... my in-laws family have all generally been quite slim and talks of diets is the usual at each gathering. Slimming world is king in their house. I've always gently turned the conversation away and mentioned I'm not a fan of weightless groups (I've tried a few and they've made my anxiety skyrocket) and thought no more of it.
Until yesterday when my MiL was showing me a picture on her phone and I pressed the back button which went onto a WhatsApp conversation with my SiL laughing about me saying I wasn't fan of slimming world and that I need to lose weight and I've made my DH fat. She isn't aware I saw the message as I hastily exited the conversation, handed the phone back and made my excuses shortly after and left.
I genuinely feel heartbroken, this a person who I love and spend a lot of time with and would have never thought she would have these thoughts never mind be taking about them to the rest of the family. I feel so ashamed. I didn't see more than a couple messages so I don't know what else was said but the tone wasn't very nice and it's making me feel sick with anxiety. I don't want to tell her I'd seen the messages because at the end of the day it was a private conversation but I don't know how I'm going to face them again.

It's very hard because you've obviously seen MIL as a family member and now you feel ousted as though they don't love you...BUT...I love and adore my sisters but have on occasion said mean things about one or the other...it's in a stupid way...and in no way diminishes my love for them.

I don't do it any more but have in the past. It comes from insecurity actually. Try to move on...you have to feel happy with yourself and from this reaction, you don't.

The only other thing you could do is tell them you saw the conversation and ask them not to do it again which wouldn't be wise really.

Honestly I’d take a step back and keep it polite but distant. There’s no real point saying anything unless it would make you feel better. They sound like bitchy teenagers.

I would also take a step back together with reviewing your boundaries in respect of these people. They clearly do not think of you in the same ways you think of them so do not set your self on fire to keep them warm. What exactly do you love about these people anyway who also have very different opinions to you?. There is no law to say that you must love or otherwise get on with two faced relatives.

What does your husband think here about his mother and sister, what sort of a relationship does he have with them?

That's a horrible experience and I'd feel the same - utterly shafted, hurt and mistrustful. But I think PP has a good point. We all sometimes say stuff about people we love, We have frustrations about them that we air to others but not to their faces. Those frustrations don't mean we don't love them. People who are obsessed with dieting are bound to judge heavier people. You know that deep down. But it's only the fat they are judging not the character.

Can you explain to her you have PCOS so dieting would make no difference, and given that it makes no difference, you may as well enjoy what you eat, so you do. And DH loves you as you are, clearly.

Have you told your DH? I think you need to so at least you can talk about it irl. You must feel very hurt

We all sometimes say stuff about people we love err, no, we don't. Speak for yourself. I am aware, from people I know and from my own family, that a lot of people do do this and think it's fine, and think they can do this and still be 'a nice person' but it is not fine or necessary and you're making excuses for someone quite toxic and unpleasant. Things you send out into the world make a difference.

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you, it's really nasty. I don't know what I'd do - it would probably be best to speak calmly about it and say how hurt you are. Not easy.

Despite our differences, she is generally a warm and loving person. She's the sort of person who would travel miles and miles to help you out if you were in a pickle, and always welcomes people with open arms. Her strong opinions seem to come from a place of naivety (she has been very mollycoddled by her family and does seem to act younger than she is, if that makes sense) she often gets swayed by tabloid headlines or what other people think and then adopts it as her own without looking further into it, until we chat about it and she asks my opinions and then it's like she realises that there's multiple views and the world isn't so black and white.

I think that's why it's shocked me so much, she is genuinely a nice person. I have always known that she was very weight conscious herself and has voiced how we should join her slimming class with her a few times in the past but to see such mocking messages has knocked me for six. Perhaps if I was in a better place mentally I wouldn't feel as ashamed?

He normally has a good relationship with his parents and enjoys spending time with them, but my SiL is the golden child child can do no wrong, more so now they have moved abroad. He was absolutely furious when I told him last night when we got home as he could tell something was wrong.

Side note - she is aware I have PCOS following a conversation about starting a family a few years ago and I fully explained the situation so I wouldn't be getting any pestering about when we would be having babies incase we were struggling to conceive and she has been so supportive of it and makes sure we feel no pressure in that area.

There's not a doubt in my mind my MIL and SIL talk about me like that. Stay polite but distant as PP has said. Nice people don't talk about people like that.

Something similar happened to me - I heard my MIL say something about me when previously we had a good relationship. It turns out she said an awful lot about people behind their backs.

I would distance myself in your situation (as I did with mine).

I had a hurtful comment from dh sister years ago. Up until then I had been quite friendly with her. It was along the lines of looking like a gypsy.

I honestly can't face seeing her years later. She doesn't know I know. But she's quite spiteful overall. You like yours.

Maybe dh could speak on your behalf.

Imo people that are obsessed with their and everyone else's weight are very insecure people. My ex mil and Sil Were very much like this, always obsessing over appearances and weight. I have no time for this kind of behaviour its shallow and pathetic. Just feel sorry for them OP that they are actually that shallow and self obsessed! Its one thing to want to maintain a healthy weight for yourself and to care about your own appearance but its just downright weird to be bothered by someone else's weight!

We all sometimes say stuff about people we love, We have frustrations about them that we air to others but not to their faces. Those frustrations don't mean we don't love them.

I absolutely adore my MIL and have posted about her before. But have there been times in the past where I've had a gentle moan about her or my equally lovely late FIL? I'm sure I and my DH her my SIL (her daughter) will have had wry conversations about her feeding our kids sweets just before a journey, or my FIL not being trusted to put them in a car seat. Or just little laughs about their funny habits.

Fortunately there wasn't messaging back then, so these conversations just disappeared into the air when we chatted. But I'd have been horrified if they heard.

We loved them and appreciated them so much. And I was far from the perfect DIL back then, so I'm sure they occasionally had conversations about me (possibly being too strict with their GPs for a start!)

I know it's really hard to forget what you saw, but please try not to let it spoil your relationship. She clearly loves you, given what she does for you.

Massive step back. My FiL did a similar thing about my weight a number of years ago and I was polite to him from that day on and nothing more. How can she be 'lovely' if she's texting bitchy comments about you behind your back and accusing you of fattening her darling son up? Sorry, but she's rude AF and not the person you thought she was.

It's not difficult to distinguish between a spiteful comment and a comment that's gently, affectionately enjoying someone's idiocyncracies. It's just not.

There's a difference between a nice person to your face and a nice person.

Nice people don't mock others. Ever.

I can see why this hurts more because she is generally kind.

I guess she's frustrated that her son who is an adult and responsible for his own diet is overweight and she needs to blame somebody and she can't or won't blame him.

That is ridiculous of course. Does he eat when he's not hungry? Does he choose foods he dislikes? Are you throwing all his cucumber and tomatoes in the bin?

I know that social contagion is a thing (Framingham study) and the number one indicator of whether or not a person of normal weight will be overweight in five years is if they have an overweight spouse or friend.

So in some ways the cause / link is not completely incorrect but maybe he should have been supporting you more in your diet.

How can she be 'lovely' if she's texting bitchy comments about you behind your back exactly.

I learnt this the hard way - a person I worked with and once regarded as a friend was like this. She came across as sooo lovely to people, everyone adored her, she went out of her way to be liked and people thought it was genuine - I guess it was important to her to have that as an identity, whereas in reality we are all very flawed and to have 'I'm lovely' as an identity is futile. Anyway, she turned out to not be lovely at all. She also told me once she used to write vicious emails to people at work and send them and then retract them really fast (it was internal email and you could recall them) before they arrived, she got a thrill out of it. Sorry, not that relevant but this whole thread is a bit triggering. You need to beware of some 'nice' people. Like when domestic violence men are charming as a front.

@RafflesTypeCharacter

It's not difficult to distinguish between a spiteful comment and a comment that's gently, affectionately enjoying someone's idiocyncracies. It's just not.

In text, without tone of voice or facial expression, even gentle teasing can read as spiteful.

I don't think it's helpful to rant and tell someone to completely change their relationship with someone, when we're not the ones who will face the consequences.

OP, I think you need to have a conversation with MIL. Explain what happened, but that you couldn't face telling her straight away. Remind her of your condition and how hurt you felt that she had this conversation with SIL.

You might still decide to pull back, but at least she'd know why, and you'll have heard her out.

I'm not ranting, nor do I make comments that are bitchy. If you do and are fine with that you might need to reconsider how you live your life in this world. Or just stay comfy and protect your ego.

Thank you all for your comments, they've been really helpful and given me a lot to think about. To clarify the comments were in no way teasing, they were really quite cruel and mocking. And I'm a person who can normally take anything on the chin, I think the fact I wasn't expecting it from her is what's knocked me.
I do think I'll be taking a step back and being firmer when she brings up slimming clubs to me.
My DH has put on a couple stone over the past couple of years, a combination of his metabolism not being that of a young person who can eat what he wants anymore and the lockdowns/shielding being harder than he thought but we both have lost weight over the past couple of months, we just tend not to talk about it with them (MiL and GiLs, my FiL couldn't care less) because them and feed into their weighloss/diet obsessions.

Sorry, it meant say - 'because it will open up a can of worms and feed into their weightloss/diet obsession.' Especially as my weightloss has historically been at a snails pace....

So then she isnt lovely - she is two faced.

I think you would be wise to look at this as their problem, not yours. They have an obsession with slimming, so of course they are going to judge everyone through that lens - it’s an all-consuming worldview for them. That is their problem though.

Yes it’s very upsetting to discover that they speak like this to each other in private, but since their behaviour towards you is kind and loving, they must know that it’s wrong to think of you that way.

RuPaul always says that what other people think of you is none of your business, and I think he’s right.

You can’t control how other people think, and making them aware you know isn’t actually going to change how they think. They will still be obsessed with dieting and they will still judge anyone who is fat. What difference does it make to you?

Try to find it funny - it’s their obsession, not yours.

My husband and I lost a lot of weight this year and it’s actually quite tedious having conversations about it with family. I am absolutely sure that we were judged by them for being fatties before (especially given how delighted they are now), but so what?

Oh how awful to read this.

Maybe next time they bring up Slimming World to you, cock your head to the side & with a confused/quizzical expression ask "Do you realise how boring diet talk is? Come on MIL let's change the subject to something a bit more interesting than your bum & hips! Who cares!"