Uncomfortable situation with MiL

[Theseleavesweremadeforcrunchin]

My relationship with my MiL has generally been very positive, we're very different people (different opinions on brexit, voting, social situations etc) but I love the woman and adore spending time with my In-Laws.
I've been with my DH 12 years and have always been fat in this time, and it's never really bothered me. I've got a couple of health issues that makes it very hard for me to maintain weight loss (thanks PCOS) and though the last 2 years I've been working through some unresolved childhood trauma that has led to my counselor helping work through my emotional response to anxiety rather than binging on comfort food and I'm on the list to deal with my disordered eating. However, I don't live off beige food, love veggies and exercise multiple times a week.
However... my in-laws family have all generally been quite slim and talks of diets is the usual at each gathering. Slimming world is king in their house. I've always gently turned the conversation away and mentioned I'm not a fan of weightless groups (I've tried a few and they've made my anxiety skyrocket) and thought no more of it.
Until yesterday when my MiL was showing me a picture on her phone and I pressed the back button which went onto a WhatsApp conversation with my SiL laughing about me saying I wasn't fan of slimming world and that I need to lose weight and I've made my DH fat. She isn't aware I saw the message as I hastily exited the conversation, handed the phone back and made my excuses shortly after and left.
I genuinely feel heartbroken, this a person who I love and spend a lot of time with and would have never thought she would have these thoughts never mind be taking about them to the rest of the family. I feel so ashamed. I didn't see more than a couple messages so I don't know what else was said but the tone wasn't very nice and it's making me feel sick with anxiety. I don't want to tell her I'd seen the messages because at the end of the day it was a private conversation but I don't know how I'm going to face them again.

I feel sad on your behalf op.
In our extended family there's a slim lot where (not real name)Heather absolutely obsesses over her weight, my bil weight and her adult children's weight. In one case Heather's son has an overweight girlfriend and I know they talk about this girlfriend in a negative fashion
I'm overweight myself and feel embarrassed of my body when I'm around Heather and her family.
I feel really sorry for her son's girlfriend, she'd be so upset if she realised that Heather deems her less of a person because of her being "fat"
I'd just draw back from the relationship, unfortunately, unless you have high self esteem and can get over this.
It sounds like you're the butt of their nasty comments by virtue of not matching their "slim personae"

OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s a real shock to the system to have to reevaluate a cherished relationship when you realise that person isn’t who you thought they were.

A lot of replies here seem to be focussed on the whole weight issue/discussion but the crux of this is about betrayal, about people you trusted being two-faced and unkind.

You say your MiL is easily led and will try to fit in with the prevailing opinion in the room. IME people like this, who are sort of social chameleons, are enormously insecure and can easily get dragged into playing along with anything (my DM was the same, bless her - she was a genuinely good, kind person, but so cripplingly afraid of causing offence or expressing a difference of opinion that she’d nod along and join in with almost any kind of shite to avoid putting her head above the parapet).

Maybe this was instigated by your SiL? Not that that makes it any better, of course, but it could mean your MiL’s contribution to the conversation was more about siding with and pleasing her daughter than any genuine malice towards you. But I realise that may be a stretch, especially if her remarks were particularly spiteful.

I think you do need to address it. Your relationship is now compromised anyway, so rather than suffer in silence and feel upset and anxious every time you see them, you need to let them know what you’ve seen.

I’d be inclined to let your DH raise it with his mother. She needs to be apologising and making this up to you. She should be the one feeling upset and anxious about seeing you. And if she’s not contrite - if she’s defensive or goes on the counter attack - well, then at least you know where you stand

I think your DH needs to have a word with his mother. He needs to tell her that you inadvertently have seen the messages and are extremely upset that both his sister and her have just been so nasty, especially as it’s already been explained about PCOS and that as a minimum both need to apologise and stop the bitchy behaviour, accept you as you are and stop going on about weight

If they are not prepared to do that then you will be going low contact with the

You can make all the excuses you like, they are not as nice and kind as you think they are

Just to clarify.... the nasty messages was written by your SIL not MIL?

Or did MIL also mock you in her reply?

I think that it is more common than you think but once you have seen something it is very hard to forget.
My sister and brother had a separate WhatsApp group to the Family group and I was mistakenly sent a series of horrible messages about me from one of them (intended for the other one). It was both incredibly embarrassing and really upsetting. I cannot forget the content and now know what they really think of me. (Shudders....)

That’s horrible OP. I’m sorry. There is no way I’d keep quiet about it. You need to make her feel as awkward and ashamed as possible!

My Mum can make passive aggressive fat shaming comment sometimes. She once called my 2 year old ‘chunky’. I made it very clear I wouldn’t ever let her talk about my little girl like that ever. I HATE it when people are so obsessed with weight. I had bulimia for almost 10 years (she’s so oblivious she doesn’t even know this!).

How does the WhatsApp back button work? Does it mean you can access conversations on other people's phones? Im horrified

@coodawoodashooda

How does the WhatsApp back button work? Does it mean you can access conversations on other people's phones? Im horrified

I think OP meant that her MIL had gone into a photo on her phone, OP pressed the phone's back button and then what came up on the screen was the last thing that MIL had been in - which was obviously the WA chat slagging OP's weight.

A couple of things to clarify - the comments were from both my MiL and my SiL, and it looks like what I saw was the end of part of a wider conversation about my weight/my DHs weight. As you can imagine I don't want to be too outing in regards to the content but I'd sent a couple of pictures to the family chat, as we all often do, and it looks like they were discussing that which then led to the comments.
And the picture she was showing me was a picture she'd sent to my SiL and had pulled it up from their conversation rather than her photo gallery. The picture was the last thing she had sent to my SiL and the conversation about me was just before.

I definitely will be taking a step back, especially while I'm feeling hurt, and going forward will be a lot firmer in my responses to her conversations about weightloss and rather than shrugging off the Slimming World comments I will be explaining why I will not be signing up and the impact it had/has on my mental health.

I feel bloody embarrassed if I'm being honest. I don't think it would have hit this hard if I wasn't struggling with my mental health and coming to terms with my disordered eating. I'm normally a quite confident person and not afraid to stand up for myself or others so I feel a bit silly how much this has hurt me.

Thank you everyone for your supportive comments, they've been really appreciated while I've been feeling a bit wobbly about this.

Glad your dh hasn't tried to minimise their bitchiness op.. I would be spending less time with them. They have a hidden agenda for being all sweetness to your face imo. When mil needs anything doing dh can send her to sil.

If I found out people I loved were talking about me like that I’d be devastated. I really don’t blame you at all.

Yes but that is horrifying. So if i sent you a photo on your WhatsApp and you pressed Back youd see information from the place id sent the photo?

They have issues around dieting.

You shouldn't be embarrassed. They are the ones with the problem imo.
However it's so hard to be disappointed in people you trusted. You've just seen someone's warts and it will take time to adjust to.

I've got to admit my DH was angrier than I was bless him. As I've said, I'm normally quite confident and don't shy away from standing up for myself, something I've had to do more times than I want to admit as a fat woman, so the fact that I was really upset about it hit hard for him. He wouldn't think twice about having that conversation with her, in fact he did once before in our very early days, if I wanted him too but I don't think that's the best approach for her in this situation.
In regards to my SiL, they've always been a bit bitchy and barbed with their comments to everyone which my MiL brushes off as joking. They've not done it for years since I started using some classic mumsnet tricks like pretending I'd not heard them and asked to repeat themselves etc but they'll be moving back next year after their work contract is up and that's a relationship I'll be keeping at arms length. My DH has gotten significantly closer with his other sibling since SiL has been away so I'm anticipating a slight clash there and they're not used to be in the middle of things.

She showed me on her phone so that's why I saw the conversation, I wouldn't be able to see anything of her conversation on my phone

@coodawoodashooda

Yes but that is horrifying. So if i sent you a photo on your WhatsApp and you pressed Back youd see information from the place id sent the photo?

No. The MIL had opened a photo from the WA chat that she was in, and showed it to OP, who then pressed the back button - which naturally took her back to the screen where the full WA chat was.

The only reason that OP could see the chat was because MIL had passed the OP her (Mail's) phone.

I’m so sorry OP. This is so mean of them. I would be very upset by this.

I would hold them at arms length from now on and don’t send any more pics to the family Whatsapp.

Big hugs to you. This would make me feel sick

OP I would let your DH say something. Behaviour like this doesn't change unless people are pulled up on it - and why shouldn't she be? It was an accident, but if she's prepared to make bitchy comments in a chat on her phone - and then pass that phone to you - she can hardly object when you've accidentally exposed the nasty comments. It's not as if you went snooping.

I think your DH should speak to her and be quite factual about it; OP pressed the back button on your phone without thinking and then saw that you and SIL had been making nasty comments about our weight. Both of us are upset but OP is in particular as she thought that you both had a good relationship, and is really hurt that someone she trusted would be so cruel about her behind her back.

Thank goodness for that. Now i see.

Thank you.

I'd get your dh to say something. Better that than she sees you distancing and keeps trying to find out why.

You can't unring a bell, and you can't un-know something you've learned. I would have no problem whatsoever with telling them I know exactly how they speak about me behind my back. I think you should let them know as well, instead of carrying all this hurt.

My MIL was dying of cancer and in the last 4 months or so it was in her brain...she became very angry and had virtually no filter - so any negative thoughts she had about you, she'd express them to you.

I'd been with my H 15 years at the time...we'd always made it clear to his parents that there would be no grandchildren, neither of us wanted children (H is an only child). Like myself, my H had known this from a young age and had never been shy about expressing it. I had a termination about 3 years before MIL became terminally ill, of course we never shared this information with them. MIL used to say she fully supported our decision, saying that she had no desire to be a grandmother.

The second last time I saw MIL we were all sat together, talking about H's cousin and his daughter...out of nowhere, MIL starts going on about how she would have loved grandchildren...and making it crystal clear she blamed me solely for the fact she didn't have any. I'm not going to lie, it upset me. That was a decade ago and still feel a bit pissed off when I think of it.

I'd keep them at arms length from now on.

Why should you carry all this? I’d be very tempted to offload these feelings onto MIL. Can you message her? “When you showed me the photo yesterday I saw the chat before it. It’s hurt me very much that two people I care deeply about could be so cruel about me and so shallow and judgemental about weight? Is that all you see when you look at me? I’ll be taking a step back from seeing you for a while. It will be easier all round if we get some distance as you and SIL are clearly pretty preoccupied with what I’m doing and eating”