Uncomfortable situation with MiL

[Theseleavesweremadeforcrunchin]

My relationship with my MiL has generally been very positive, we're very different people (different opinions on brexit, voting, social situations etc) but I love the woman and adore spending time with my In-Laws.
I've been with my DH 12 years and have always been fat in this time, and it's never really bothered me. I've got a couple of health issues that makes it very hard for me to maintain weight loss (thanks PCOS) and though the last 2 years I've been working through some unresolved childhood trauma that has led to my counselor helping work through my emotional response to anxiety rather than binging on comfort food and I'm on the list to deal with my disordered eating. However, I don't live off beige food, love veggies and exercise multiple times a week.
However... my in-laws family have all generally been quite slim and talks of diets is the usual at each gathering. Slimming world is king in their house. I've always gently turned the conversation away and mentioned I'm not a fan of weightless groups (I've tried a few and they've made my anxiety skyrocket) and thought no more of it.
Until yesterday when my MiL was showing me a picture on her phone and I pressed the back button which went onto a WhatsApp conversation with my SiL laughing about me saying I wasn't fan of slimming world and that I need to lose weight and I've made my DH fat. She isn't aware I saw the message as I hastily exited the conversation, handed the phone back and made my excuses shortly after and left.
I genuinely feel heartbroken, this a person who I love and spend a lot of time with and would have never thought she would have these thoughts never mind be taking about them to the rest of the family. I feel so ashamed. I didn't see more than a couple messages so I don't know what else was said but the tone wasn't very nice and it's making me feel sick with anxiety. I don't want to tell her I'd seen the messages because at the end of the day it was a private conversation but I don't know how I'm going to face them again.

@noirchatsdeux

My MIL was dying of cancer and in the last 4 months or so it was in her brain...she became very angry and had virtually no filter - so any negative thoughts she had about you, she'd express them to you.

I'd been with my H 15 years at the time...we'd always made it clear to his parents that there would be no grandchildren, neither of us wanted children (H is an only child). Like myself, my H had known this from a young age and had never been shy about expressing it. I had a termination about 3 years before MIL became terminally ill, of course we never shared this information with them. MIL used to say she fully supported our decision, saying that she had no desire to be a grandmother.

The second last time I saw MIL we were all sat together, talking about H's cousin and his daughter...out of nowhere, MIL starts going on about how she would have loved grandchildren...and making it crystal clear she blamed me solely for the fact she didn't have any. I'm not going to lie, it upset me. That was a decade ago and still feel a bit pissed off when I think of it.

I'd keep them at arms length from now on.

Surely that shows how good your MIL was? Underneath she was sad, but she never let you know it, and instead supported you in your decision. Many MNers would be thrilled to have a MIL who didn't interfere or show their feelings about big decisions like this.

None of us can help how we feel underneath, and thanks to her sensitivity to you both, you never would have known if it wasn't for the tumour that damaged her brain. She'd have kept her feelings hidden to the grave if it wasn't for that. The last thing I'd be would be pissed off. I'd respect her for supporting me despite her inner feelings.

My late DH's brain tumour did this to him. Mercifully only for a couple of days, and he wasn't angry as such. His filter just went. He'd have been horrified and mortified if he'd been aware.

I’d definitely be pulling back. She is not a nice person to be bitching about you behind your back. If she starts wondering why, I think you should tell her you saw the conversation.

This conversation won't have been the first conversation they've had mocking you. They'll have been mocking you the entire time they've known you whilst you've been thinking what nice people they are and what a great relationship you have with mil.
I'd not be able to get over this and I'd have to let them know that you saw what they were saying.

So much drama in this thread, as if everyone here has never said a mean thing behind someone’s back.

You can never unsee something like this, but you can absolutely choose not to care about it.

All people are terrible to some degree, and say awful things about others with no justification, assuming they will never find out.

What on earth would be the point of letting the MIL and SIL know you know? So everyone feels bad and awkward about it forever? It won’t change what they think. You can’t change what they think. You can only choose whether or not to care.

@saraclara She had been lying about supporting 'us' though...she thought I was the cruel woman that had stopped her only son from having children. She blamed me, not her son. Quite a few hurtful truths came out in the those last few months.

I disagree 40whats
There doesn't have to be drama but I couldn't spend time with people knowing they were mocking me so much.
It's different a flippant remark but actual what's app messages that took time to write. It's awful.

Whether or not OP spends time with them is up to her. I would find that difficult too. I’m referring to all these comments insisting that the MIL and SIL must be told and it all has to come out. What’s the point, besides drama? It won’t change the way they think.

They are so obsessed with weight loss themselves and we live in a culture were looks and weight (especially women) is a free for all. Our media is constantly telling us, adverts etc..

It isn't good and it would hurt me too but it seems to be quite common.

My parents are like this (except they say it to your face) and lots of friends are like this. I always move the conversation away and I never comment on a person's looks unless it is positive in front of my kids.

I think if she is lovely then I would speak to her about it and teach her something. Ask her how she would feel if you were bitching about her wrinkles for example and comparing her to a person the same age with fewer wrinkles.

Firstly, bollocks to them. They are nasty and spiteful and you have every right to distance yourself, I would.

I do have a little saying that I live by, what other people think of you is none of your business. I know it was an accident but never look, never read, never listen in to anything about you by others. You'll live a much happier life.