Reconciling upsetting the dc

[Worndownleather]

I am fairly sure that I want to leave my husband.
There are varied reasons, we’ve been married for 18 years and since the dc he’s never really been involved or taken on any of the dc stuff - or anything around the house although that bothers me less.
I couple this with a, what I feel is, vaguely unhealthy dynamic where he has always had all the money and all the say - it’s never been an equal partnership and the relationship has functioned been superficially in my opinion. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same, I don’t know, because I don’t really know him.
Also we never have sex, it’s been several years at a time and I definitely don’t want to sleep with him again.
But there’s no abuse, there’s no fighting, he loves the dc and me, the dc are happy - it functions day to day.
I’m not happy and I’m not really sure why, because it should be enough that the dc are happy and that DH is happy. We aren’t poor. We aren’t fighting. So it should be enough and I try and make the decision to stay - at least another 12 years until my youngest is 18 anyway but it never feels like a proper decision or a final one. I’m still back and forth in my mind all the time.

I spoke with DH last June and said I was leaving if things didn’t improve and since then he has been doing some of the school runs and some of the bedtimes etc where prior to that the count over the previous decade had been zero. He is trying.
Why isn’t enough?
I cannot reconcile staying and feeling as I do, one foot out the door or leaving and upsetting the dc and my DH so hugely.
There’s no good answer here. How do I find one?

Will the grass be greener ?
A lot of single people aren't necessarily happy, look at how many online dating sites there are, or threads on here regarding lonliness, financial hardship, no time for self, anxiety regarding uncertainty about future.
I don't have a partner, my life is ok, l feel pretty neutral most of the time, l don't expect to feel endlessly happy, happiness is just a feeling that comes and goes.
Love is not so much a feeling, more a commitment, we all know the initial honeymoon period wears off, especially once children come along.
So l would ask myself am l committed to making this marriage work?
If not am l committed to making a go of it on my own?
Because you really have to put the work and effort in, whatever choice you make. One way of life is not necessarily easier than the other.

Yes. That’s what I think.
Unfortunately it’s been this way since day one for me so I think it’s unlikely to get better.
But I am housed and my children are ok which does count for a lot.

How old will you be in 12 years time though? you can't live your life for your children. I'm in a similar position, albeit it with some financial issues. I'm quickly coming to the realisation that life is for living, and whilst not desperately unhappy, I can't honestly say I'm happy or feel like I'm 'living'.

I’ll be nearly 50.
Easier to stay though, better for the dc.

Is it though? I want my children to see me happy, in a genuinely loving close relationship. I have no real 'problems' with my DH. But we're more like brother and sister, and whilst that might be enough for some people, more than enough in some cases I'm sure, I still want more whilst I'm young enough to enjoy it. Yes, it does feel a little reckless, and I do veer backwards and forwards, I think im rapidly heading in that direction....

I think that the kids will feel terrible if they discovered that you stayed for them and you risk them doing the same if they end up in a similar situation.

I am divorced and the older kids were sad for a while but once they realised what would change and what wouldn't, they were fine. Their parents being divorced is normal for them now.

Anecdotally my 3 kids were between 11 and 5 when we split and it was toughest for the oldest and least tough for the youngest

His efforts now isn't enough because it's too late. He should have been there when you needed him, not when you had to resort to begging.

Oh dear. So disappointed in that first reply.

You must live your life for you ultimately. So many people stay for the children and then the kids knew anyway mum was unhappy. It is so unfair to put that on the kids. Well I did it for you. It's not the positive thing many think it is.

Of course your husband is happy! He does fuck all while getting to appear to be a lovely husband and father.

He isn't Mr Right, he's not even good enough or making you happy enough to be Mr Right Now. You'll never be happy while you are with him. Not truly.

Leave.

I dont understand why you think it will be enough for your children to be happy and your dh to be happy but for you not to be happy?

You being happy, or at least content, is important. Having your parents (even just one if them) staying together miserably for "the sake of the children" really sucks for the children involved. And yes they will notice.

You need to work out what would make you happy and then decide whether you can achieve that inside or outside your marriage.

Do you work or have your own income that’s not from him?

Is it better for the kids though or better for you?

I have my own income but it’s a LOT less than his.
My standard of living with the dc would be a lot lower than what they are used to. As in hand to mouth barely able to afford to eat low.

Could you increase your hours at all or move job? If you were single would wrap around car be available for even an hour a day to help you?

I’m thinking ahead, should you decide to leave him.

I’ve been a sahm for years so I’m lucky to get any job at all tbh. I aimed low 😂
I could increase my hours but I will still be relatively poor.
He owns the house and has all the savings etc.

What did you do workwise before children? Just because you've been a SAHM for years doesnt mean you cant build a career now.

Your youngest is 6 yes? So 5 years more wrap around childcare needed for them, how about for your oldest child?

Final thing, have you spoken to a shit hot divorce lawyer yet about what sort of settlement you might get? Have a look at that and IC and crunch the numbers. You might be entitled to more than you think.

I think the first thing you need to do get yourself a better income if you can. Can you retrain? You might feel happier in life if you can find something that you don't consider aiming low and you might feel less trapped.

As you are married you will be entitled to some of the house equity etc if you split but two households costs more to run that two and your dh will need enough so he can set up a new household suitable for the children.

I know it's easier said than done!

Please take notice of this from @SunshineCake1 So many people stay for the children and then the kids knew anyway mum was unhappy. It is so unfair to put that on the kids. Well I did it for you. It's not the positive thing many think it is.

I've posted on here so many times about how my mother uses this as a stick to beat myself and my two brothers with. I personally knew from a very young age (below 10) that both my parents weren't happy. My father checked out of family life when I was 9 by going to work abroad but my mother still stayed with him, and dragged myself and my two brothers to some pretty awful places to stay with him, we missed out on lots of schooling, had no friends, etc. She did it because she liked the lifestyle his money gave her and she didn't want to have to work. He finally left her for OW when my younger brother turned 18.

They should have split when I was 9. My childhood was ruined because of both their selfish actions but my mother could have stopped it all right from the beginning.

You say your husband is happy and loves you.
Surely if you love someone you show it by treating them as an equal in the partnership.
Not as poorly paid "staff"

Go see a lawyer and find out your options. Take your time and start to look at how you might move forward. YOU deserve to be happy too, you know. Your kids will be upset and life might be really tough for a while. But you'll survive. And you will be happier.

He has treated me as staff for a long long time, but to give him his due he is trying hard now.
I’d like to opt back in but I am struggling.
I’m struggling quite a lot with the sex part too. He says no rush and no pressure but he’s also demanding a lot of kisses and ‘cuddles’ 🤮 which I’m finding difficult. However I don’t think I’d ever instigate them willingly because i feel nothing when he hugs me and disgust when he kisses me. I am sad for Dh.

If you really want to make it work you could try coilkes counselling but honestly it sounds dead in the water to me. It might be kinder to him to make it clear that it's over, certainly kinder to yourself.

We tried counselling and relate said I was too depressed for couples counselling and to sort that first. Apparently I came out on their score as severely depressed. That was about six sessions in. I didn’t find it very helpful. I also don’t think I am severely depressed outside of this particular situation.

Whose sake would you be staying for; theirs, or more likely your own?.
I am wondering if you are really afraid here to move on with your own life.

Are we really staying together for the sake of the children, or are we fearful of coming to terms with our own lives (and in that case using the children as a scapegoat)?

As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children”.

If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.
Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children.

Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

I see so many posts on here from unhappily married women who refer to the house and savings belonging to the husband because it is in his name and that the husband would keep his much higher salary leaving the wife and children in poverty if they split. I am sure this keeps a lot of women feeling hopelessly 'trapped'. This is simply not the case in marriages with children. Financial settlements are based on needs and the needs of children take precedence.

You need to seek legal advice on your position. You will be entitled to a share of assets and savings as a minimum. Depending on relative levels of income you may also get some maintenance to cover your needs. Also look into benefits. Just because he thinks it's all his, doesn't mean a divorce court will see it that way.

I think you know you have to leave. It doesn't matter if it's not that bad in some ways, you wouldn't be thinking all these things if it was ok. I mean, you can go through life just getting on with it, not necessarily feeling deliriously happy, but once you find yourself questioning it, then I think you need to do something about it. And though he's "stepped up" in some ways, it's still not really what you want. He's irritating you and treating you like "staff". Sounds awful to me. Hope you can work out how to leave.