Reconciling upsetting the dc

[Worndownleather]

I am fairly sure that I want to leave my husband.
There are varied reasons, we’ve been married for 18 years and since the dc he’s never really been involved or taken on any of the dc stuff - or anything around the house although that bothers me less.
I couple this with a, what I feel is, vaguely unhealthy dynamic where he has always had all the money and all the say - it’s never been an equal partnership and the relationship has functioned been superficially in my opinion. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same, I don’t know, because I don’t really know him.
Also we never have sex, it’s been several years at a time and I definitely don’t want to sleep with him again.
But there’s no abuse, there’s no fighting, he loves the dc and me, the dc are happy - it functions day to day.
I’m not happy and I’m not really sure why, because it should be enough that the dc are happy and that DH is happy. We aren’t poor. We aren’t fighting. So it should be enough and I try and make the decision to stay - at least another 12 years until my youngest is 18 anyway but it never feels like a proper decision or a final one. I’m still back and forth in my mind all the time.

I spoke with DH last June and said I was leaving if things didn’t improve and since then he has been doing some of the school runs and some of the bedtimes etc where prior to that the count over the previous decade had been zero. He is trying.
Why isn’t enough?
I cannot reconcile staying and feeling as I do, one foot out the door or leaving and upsetting the dc and my DH so hugely.
There’s no good answer here. How do I find one?

@Worndownleather

I have my own income but it’s a LOT less than his. My standard of living with the dc would be a lot lower than what they are used to. As in hand to mouth barely able to afford to eat low.

I understand your income would be lower, but not why you think it would be hand-to-mouth levels of low?

I’ve been a sahm for years so I’m lucky to get any job at all tbh. I aimed low
I could increase my hours but I will still be relatively poor.
He owns the house and has all the savings etc.

Please - before making any reference to him again about the potential of splitting up - ensure you see a lawyer.
He does NOT own the house & all the savings. You both do. Equally - because you are married.

A good lawyer will ensure you quietly gather copies of all the relevant accounts, pensions, assets before DH is even aware that you are planning an exit.
They will negotiate from a position of a minimum of 50% of those assets being awarded to you. It could even be more, depending on how much time you devoted to childcare, what career & pension detriments you took on to bring up the children, how small your part time income is in comparison to his - as he was able to focus on his career while you dealt with everything else for the family.
They will help you get a very clear picture of exactly what your income would look like, given maintenance, child support, any benefits you might be entitled to.

So the financial picture is not as bleak as you fear.
Get that advice, & keep absolutely schtum about it. You don't have to act on it until you want to. But informing yourself will give you confidence & clarity.

I agree with others that if you stay in the relationship “for the sake of the children” then you are going to massively fuck your children up.

You also don’t seem to understand what financial ties marriage brings - you will be entitled to a significant proportion of your husband’s house/savings; because they are not in fact his assets, they’re marital assets.

OP ignore the first shit reply.

It isn't your fault that your husband is an entitled lazy financially abusive idiot. 18 years of living with someone like that is enough. And staying for the sake of your kids will mean they grow up thinking this rote of relationship is one to model.

You're married therefore see a solicitor to see what you would be entitled to. You wouldn't have to rely on just your earnings because he would have to pay maintenance and make sure you and the kids are housed. But see a solicitor. Plus if in the uk you would also be entitled to benefits.

Also look into studying/training for a career that you would be interested in. You're still young and in a couple of years you could be qualified and trained in something that you love and that also provides and income.

You'll have free time to do what you want - work/hobby/exercise/socilaise/study whilst your DH has the kids if you split.

Been single and free of having to be used and abused by an entitled man is miles better than being in a shit relationship. Much better on your own than with someone not good. A million times better.

I was in this exact situation. Married 16 years and knew for probably 13 of those that I was unhappy but we had 2 dc born close together so we carried on. Things were never bad but we just did not really love each other, I suppressed my feelings for a long time. For me things came to a head when the dc were 12 & 13 they were much more independent and I could see the huge hole in our marriage and I was also becoming more resentful of it which led to more rows. It broke my heart making the decision knowing that I was going to do this to my dc and pull the rug from under them but I was sacrificing myself.

Its been 5 years now and the dc are 17 & 18 and have truly been fine. We were still really good friends for the first year which definitely eased the blow. Both of us remarried and without a doubt it was the best thing I could have done, never had a second regret. The hardest bit has been for DD who has issues with her Dad not being arsed with her once he met somebody else but thats on him not me.

Sorry OP, I am too tired to read the whole thread, so what I will suggest has almost certainly already been suggested.
If you haven't already made your decision, and if you haven't already tried it, please try marriage counselling. Sometimes it can help a marriage, and sometimes it can help both partners realise that their marriage really should be over.

My other suggestion is (again if you haven't already done so) have an initial meeting with a divorce lawyer to find out what you would actually be entitled to if you get a divorce. Many years ago I was a SAHM), and when my ex went off with "the other woman" I was allowed to stay in the marital home until our youngest was 18. As it happened, I got married to someone else a few years later, so did not stay in that house anyway. But things have changed a lot, and everyones circumstances are different, so I do hope you get legal advice before you make any other decisions. Good luck OP. 💐

I don't think your 50 year old self would thank you at all for staying.

I think you need to take some responsibility here. You are a fully grown adult and to talk of being "housed" by someone whom you find sexually repulsive is just not good enough.

Work on increasing your income, get some good childcare in place and see a solicitor about what a settlement would look like.

If you are married the likelihood is you’ll be entitled to half the capital from the house, half the savings and half the pension pot. It doesn’t matter if it’s in his name. Go get legal advice. Then look at Universal Credit. Understand what financial position you’d be in.

I stayed for the kid and for fear of the financial implications for years. So much happier now we’ve split (as is DD once the dust settled). We live in a house filled with joy and fun now.

I want my children to see me in a genuinely loving relationship

I hate to break it to you OP but very few children want to see this. They want love, stability, care - usually from their parents. My DM left my DF for the same reasons and she found her genuine loving relationship, except we didn't like him! To this day I would much rather they have stayed together, I'm doing the same and I feel it is the best thing for them.

I separated last year. No real 'big' issues at all, but I woke up one day and realised that if I looked back in 20 years time at my life as it is now, I would have many regrets. So I separated, and things have been hard for the last couple of years, because of other sad life events, but I do not regret leaving at all. Please don't stay for the children. They will know.

shylatte I didn’t say this - my opinion is the same as yours. Kids don’t care if their parents are happy / in a loving relationship - they just want them together and that’s it.
I’ve seen it myself professionally. I have no doubt in my mind that breaking up with DH would not be good for the dc.
On the other hand I am concerned that I am physically unable to have sex with DH without crying and I’m not sure how to move past that. I can function if we are very separate but as soon as he wants anything more it’s like my brain and body just go ‘no.’

Worndownleather I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I also work professionally with children (in a child psychology and safeguarding capacity) and absolutely agree with your own concerns and those of shylatte.

I’m going to go back to you scoring 6 on depression scale. This does concern me. I know you feel that it’s nothing to do with depression and all him but the disconnect you’re feeling could be that, it could be depression.

I don’t ageee that you should just ‘suck it up sister’ for the sake of the children BUT I do think you need to explore the possibility of depression before you overhaul your life and those of your children.

You’ve waited long enough, is it worth just giving yourself time to explore whether this is a deep rooted unhappiness in you?

There has been plenty of posts on here from adult children who have said they wish their parents had split up as they knew the relationship was a bad one. So no, not all kids want their parents together more than anything.

As for the issues with having sex that isn't healthy for either of you and if you want to try and fix that there is help. If you don't want to try than that's unreasonable towards your husband unless you are fine with him going elsewhere.

Sorry I mean scored severely depressed.

Thanks tired.
I’m pretty sure it is the situation as I am a different person when I’m at work or when I’m with just the dc.
I don’t do well when it’s all four of us and it makes me feel guilty on top of everything else.
I really want to want to stay - and I’ve tried really really hard to get to that place - but I’m struggling.
There’s something about the dynamic of my marriage that feels off and I’m not certain what it is. He’d say he’d do anything for me etc but somehow that still feels like a power imbalance. Maybe he doesn’t feel it, I don’t know anymore. I feel squashed.

Have you thought about counselling/therapy OP?

Therapy would be very useful. On your own though.

Oh my heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine worrying about how your potential action could impact your lovely children and feeling so disconnected and unhappy. Mum guilt is a terrible thing.

How about giving yourself a couple of sessions with an experienced counsellor, so you’re really clear and then proceeding. Legal advice is a must.

As a professional you’ll know how to handle the conversations around what is happening with the children if you do leave. Age appropriate honesty at all times, not allowing them to accept any blame and attempting to keep things as amicable as possible with a husband who will be hurting. The offer of counselling for them should they need it.

And just open open open conversations. They can handle it.

He says he'd do anything for you and wants to make it work?

In that case, he adds your name to the deeds of the house, and either makes the savings account joint or transfers half the savings to your name. And all of his income goes into a joint account that you have equal access to.

I’ve had some therapy and it’s ongoing but it hasn’t helped.
I think I don’t feel my well-being is more important than that of DH and the dc.
DH has told the dc we will take them to Disneyland next year and has made all these exciting promises.
What can I offer them? I can offer them nothing.

@Worndownleather

I’ve had some therapy and it’s ongoing but it hasn’t helped. I think I don’t feel my well-being is more important than that of DH and the dc. DH has told the dc we will take them to Disneyland next year and has made all these exciting promises. What can I offer them? I can offer them nothing.

Sorry OP I have just had a grim snigger at how your husband is already embracing the role of Disney Dad. Does fuck-all with the kids but throws enough money around to make himself look good.

Let him take them. You don't have to be married to him for him to take his kids to Disneyland. And you'll have just as much fun camping or in a cheap B&B with them, when you take them away. You have plenty to offer - consistency, stability, happiness, love. Their total security in the knowledge that mum will always be reliable, know where the school shoes are, turn up for sports day, run them to hobbies, cook, clean & generally nurture them. No matter how much Disneying DH does, they know who provides the day to day love & caring.

Keep going with the therapy.
It may take some time to work past your deep-seated belief that you are not worth as much as DH or the DC. Have another few sessions, & if you are not making headway in terms of gaining clarity or understanding yourself better, consider that maybe you just have not found the optimum form of therapy - or specific therapist - to suit you. In which case, it is perfectly reasonable & normal to 'shop around' & find one you click with more readily.

If it hasn't helped it could be that you aren't ready to be fully open and honest or that you haven't found the right person or type of therapy. All these things are very important for a good outcome.

Please don't stay just for the children. A friend's parents separated as soon as she moved out in her early 20s. To be told that they had been desperately unhappy for years but stayed together for her was a massive burden for her to bear and she still feels guilty about it several decades later.

OP,

What age are your children.

Are you the lovely OP that moved out because her husband was a selfish, controlling, financially abusive pig for years?

Moved home to her parents but then felt she had to go back?

She too was drowning in depression.

If it's you, this will never get better.

He is not a good man.

He will never be a good man.

He makes your skin crawl.

You are married.

Divorce will give you more than 50% of the assets so you can house your children.

This is your life until such time as you place some value on your life.

A quick search of your username on mumsnet and your stories are very disconnected. Broke up with a partner two weeks ago, he was the love of your life?

Troll alert 🙄