My DH keeps calling me “bitch”

[beautifulview]

Whenever me and my husband have an argument he resorts to telling me I’m a bitch or I’ve been a bitch to him. It’s breaking me down be honest. I know people say things they don’t mean during rows but this is a recent development. We fall out and I go to him to try and resolve (normally off the back of him saying something rude or insensitive) and I never call him names. I might say I found it hurtful or rude but I think the name calling is different. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of suggesting marriage counselling because we’re at the point where all healthy communication seems to have broken down. How do we move past the name calling and how do I get it to stop?

Well I don’t know if you can. I would tell him at a time you’re not arguing that you don’t want to be called names, and it needs to stop.

I imagine he probably won’t stop though. If he doesn’t I wouldn’t be able to cope with it. I hate name calling and aggressive behaviour - there is an adult way to handle conflict and this isn’t it.

It is a symptom of who he is - his attitude to women and his understanding of the impact of language choices. Walk away now.

Looks like he's lost his own moral compass.

Crossed his own shitty boundaries by being an unkind, cruel, obnoxious bastard.

He should be ignored, grey rocked and divorced.

Call him a cunt on the way out.

We’ve been together 20 years though so splitting up is traumatic. Does anyone think this can be sorted out? It’s just crossing a huge boundary of mine. I don’t know what to do.

You've told him the above presumably and what does he say?

He becomes defensive. Repeats the words “bad word” as though he’s incredulous. Then reiterates that it’s his right to call me a bitch because I am being a bitch

Yeah well he isn’t going to change. You’ve told him you dislike it and he wants to carry on anyway. So you will need to decide whether you want to be called a bitch when you’ve annoyed him or whether you want to leave him, because it seems like those are the only two options.

Why on earth are you tolerating this? I wouldn't care if I'd been married for 50 years, this behaviour is an absolute dealbreaker.

@beautifulview

He becomes defensive. Repeats the words “bad word” as though he’s incredulous. Then reiterates that it’s his right to call me a bitch because I am being a bitch

And I would respond

I have the right to say it’s indefensible to be so rude to me, and if you continue I will have to consider if I wish to continue in this marriage

Then I would ignore him completely, no making food, no washing nothing until he apologised

And if he doesn’t that’s it

There is no reason for him to act like this

Leave his ass.
Just because you have been together a long time doesn't give him the right to disrespect you. Cut loose before you waste another year with him.

His opinion is that there is a reason for him to act like this because we’ve argued and I was a bitch. My point is that even when we argue I don’t use bad words. It’s a huge deal for me because I now can’t be intimate with him. I can’t be intimate with someone who has called me a bitch. I’m wondering if it’s worth trying marriage counselling to get through to him that using words like this in the heat of an argument Is not ok

I think men resort to that name when they have reached some point in a relationship where they don’t care anymore.
Or they use it instead of a physical slap that they know they aren’t allowed these days.

Neither of these is great.
It also seems like you are the only one in this relationship who cares about its state. The pattern you describe - he is being hurtful; there is an argument; you go to him to resolve it… And in the process of this you get to be called a b…..
All seem one sided.

Can this be sorted? No if you are the only one who wants to fix it.
Marriage counselling can help of he engages.
My guess is that he would only engage if he believes you are serious about it being make or break. So - I’d only push for it if you are indeed serious about it. And are prepared to actually walk if he doesn’t put in an effort.

Alternatively - you can develop a thicker skin and not react to his rudeness. Ignore and let it wash over. Don’t come to him to sort things. Distance yourself from him and get busy with your own life. Sometimes that sort of change triggers changes in the partner. If he notices you slipping away from his grasp - he might just learn to be nicer and actually seek you.

Marriage counselling isn’t going to stop him being an arsehole.

He's not going to stop love, even a councillor, especially a female one is not going to get through to him.

Unless someone comes round and gives him a good hiding every time he says it or he is wired up to some electrical shock device, he won't listen, taser him is another option.

He's a knobhead, he knows it hurts and he wants to hurt you.
It gives him pleasure.
Why would you want to be in someones company who does that, he doesn't deserve your company.

If he doesn’t care anymore then why doesn’t he just end the relationship? He’s distant, not engaged and has a total lack of interest in my feelings. He doesn’t seem to give a crap about hurting me or making effort with me. When I try and talk about this then I’m a bitch. He told me he couldn’t bother organising anything for my birthday because he’s lazy, just after telling me he wanted to organise going out for a beer with his friend. Then I’m a bitch and don’t like him going out when I point this out

Sorry I should have made it clear…he himself said that he’s lazy that’s not me saying that.

I just separated from my husband two months ago after being together for 26 years. I did it because he was controlling, selfish and insensitive. He never, ever called me a bad name, yelled at me or hit me. If he did, I would have left him years ago.

If I were you I would just show him the door next time he says it.

He's checked out if the marriage and wants you to end it because he's much of a cowardly dickto do it himself.

Sounds like he's checked out or taking you seriously for granted.

Not being horrible, but is it possible there could be someone who has turned his head.

He's not engaging, is he, maybe he's pushing you to end it.

I don’t think there’s anyone else. He has checked out though and the slightest thing sets him off. I feel completely worn out and downtrodden to be honest. His view of me is so awful and warped. Nobody has ever called me a bitch before

If you don't want to leave him, maybe make him aware of how ridiculous he is being.
Say: "A bitch is a female dog. I am not a female dog." If he repeats the word, bark at him -- really. "Woof-woof." or "Ruff-ruff". Or just a low growl.

If the above doesn't work...bite him and leave.

@beautifulview

I don’t think there’s anyone else. He has checked out though and the slightest thing sets him off. I feel completely worn out and downtrodden to be honest. His view of me is so awful and warped. Nobody has ever called me a bitch before

I hope he hasn't.

Ask him about something in the future, like booking a holiday or something, see his reaction.

How long has he been like this?

He’s been really bad over the last year but getting steadily worse since before lockdown

@beautifulview

His opinion is that there is a reason for him to act like this because we’ve argued and I was a bitch. My point is that even when we argue I don’t use bad words. It’s a huge deal for me because I now can’t be intimate with him. I can’t be intimate with someone who has called me a bitch. I’m wondering if it’s worth trying marriage counselling to get through to him that using words like this in the heat of an argument Is not ok

So how long have you not been intimate with him, he could be doing this deliberately, many do.

They also create arguments to escape the house.

Somethings changed then and you have no idea what that is?

Is he having trouble with his mental health, work or anything else, stress?