My DH keeps calling me “bitch”

[beautifulview]

Whenever me and my husband have an argument he resorts to telling me I’m a bitch or I’ve been a bitch to him. It’s breaking me down be honest. I know people say things they don’t mean during rows but this is a recent development. We fall out and I go to him to try and resolve (normally off the back of him saying something rude or insensitive) and I never call him names. I might say I found it hurtful or rude but I think the name calling is different. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of suggesting marriage counselling because we’re at the point where all healthy communication seems to have broken down. How do we move past the name calling and how do I get it to stop?

I tried to be intimate with him last week but it didn’t work. It was awkward and I couldn’t feel it because of the bitch comments. It’s put me off

He sounds like he's treating you very badly.

I would do some digging.

That akwardness is because you don't feel safe with him anymore.

He doesn't just say it when he's in a temper. He says it some more when you try to talk to him.
He's definitely checked out but he doesn't leave because he's too lazy to organise it and he likes all the work you no doubt do for him in your home.
(That's how it looks to me, anyway)

I don’t think he’s interested in anyone else to be honest. I think he’s completely retreated. He’s able to totally shut me out which then leads to me not sleeping, chasing him because it’s quite frankly a really shit life to live with someone who can push you away endlessly and have no interest or care in your well-being

Have you looked at his phone at all.

The problems you describe are really beyond name calling in heated moments.
Would he agree to therapy? I would go with or without him.

I’m currently having my own therapy weekly.
He might engage in counselling.

Have you asked him about the councelling.

You can't put al the work into this.

@beautifulview

If he doesn’t care anymore then why doesn’t he just end the relationship? He’s distant, not engaged and has a total lack of interest in my feelings. He doesn’t seem to give a crap about hurting me or making effort with me. When I try and talk about this then I’m a bitch. He told me he couldn’t bother organising anything for my birthday because he’s lazy, just after telling me he wanted to organise going out for a beer with his friend. Then I’m a bitch and don’t like him going out when I point this out

THIS is the real problem you have.

He does not want to be married to you any more.re m

Prepare to divorce him.

If it were me, I would say to him, "The next time you call me that Bad Word (or you can say, bitch) then this marriage is OVER."

Start calling him a bastard and see how he likes it.

@beautifulview

He has checked out of his relationship with you.
He has no self respect and he has no respect for you. He doesn't care about your 20 years of marriage.

He has given himself permission to cross lines he knows are important, and not just to you. What man believes in his heart of hearts that it's ok to call his wife a bitch because she disagrees with him or points out his unreasonableness?

Continue with your therapy, but see a solicitor too.
Marriage counseling would be a waste of time and money.

There might well be someone else. Or he might just be watching a lot of porn and somewhere along the line lost all interest in normal life.

Regardless, he has deliberately hurt you deeply, and you are not obliged to try to keep your relationship together, to have sex, to be a partner to him in any way after this betrayal of the relationship by him.

He's not honouring or respecting you, and he is refusing to stop what he is doing.

Thanks everyone for replying

How many years has he been calling you this name?

You asked why he just doesn't end it.

2 main reasons and they're both selfish.

He doesn't want to look like the bad guy
He likes all the wifework you do for him and doesn't want to take the financial hit.

He’s done it twice in two separate arguments. He’s started doing it when we argue.

He's hoping you'll stop all demands on him. He wants you to coexist with him doing whatever he wants. So he gets to go out with mates and live in his home without having any consideration for you at all.
When you push back against this ignorance, you get called a bitch.

If you tolerate it he gets everything he wants, a house with all mod cons and freedom.

Think hard. Do you want this as well? If you let go of him emotionally you too can have a house with all mod cons and freedom. You can ignore him too. Just be house mates. No emotional demands on each other. Once you start, you can't get it back. You may find you actually dislike him, once you separate emotionally.

If you want a real relationship, you're going to need to woman up and split up, I'm afraid.

While that word has the power he wants to exert, he’ll keep using it.
Take the power away. Next time he uses it, laugh and say ‘you sound like such a weak and stupid person when you call your wife a bitch. I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve but you’ve overused it so it means nothing to me. Go ahead use it more. Well done’
But others are right, and it sounds like he’s checked out. Stop chasing him. He doesn’t respect you. Start detaching and living your own life.

I understand what everyone is saying and agree but it’s hugely painful. I don’t want this. I want an engaged and loving husband but there’s no way to do that because he can’t ever be challenged on any unreasonable behaviour. I don’t know what to do. I’m in my 50s. I recently went back to work after being a SAHM for a long time but the only job I could get was a couple of hours away from home. Do I move there and build up a life there. This whole thing is incredibly painful.

OP, I’ve been exactly where you are. My DH would call me a ‘manipulative bitch’ when we argued (it was usually if I said something was hurting me or upsetting me - he said I was emotionally manipulating him).
I had been gaslighted into thinking I WAS a bitch for so many years that I started to believe him.
But I realised in the end what he was doing and that deep down he really disliked me.
I left him, because I couldn’t bear spending the the rest of my life with someone who hated me and was making me doubt myself.

Name calling ended up going on our divorce as a
one of the reasons the marriage had broken down.
He used to physically intimidate me as well, but it was always the name calling that stuck. To this day I never allow my DC to call names.

I don’t think this is going to get better, OP.

I’d just also like to say (because you need to hear it): you are NOT a bitch. Just because someone chooses to call you something doesn’t mean that is what you are.
You are a strong, kind, loving, beautiful person.

Has this started since you went back to work then?

He doesn't care about how he makes you feel OP. He doesn't care about how upsetting it is. Has he ever apologised for calling you a bitch?

Is it something he says in the heat of the moment then regrets? Because it doesn't sound like it.

He’s never apologised. He defends it saying it’s the truth.

It’s debilitating for me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t be affectionate and intimate with someone who has called me names. It doesn’t make me feel sexy

Yes it has started since I went back to work but I don’t think it’s linked. He doesn’t care that I’ve gone back. He doesn’t actually care about anything that I do