My DH keeps calling me “bitch”

[beautifulview]

Whenever me and my husband have an argument he resorts to telling me I’m a bitch or I’ve been a bitch to him. It’s breaking me down be honest. I know people say things they don’t mean during rows but this is a recent development. We fall out and I go to him to try and resolve (normally off the back of him saying something rude or insensitive) and I never call him names. I might say I found it hurtful or rude but I think the name calling is different. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of suggesting marriage counselling because we’re at the point where all healthy communication seems to have broken down. How do we move past the name calling and how do I get it to stop?

If he doesn't apologise it's not something he says in the heat of the moment.
There's a complete lack of respect for you there.

I don't think marriage counselling can help someone whose lost all respect and interest in you or your marriage. I'm sorry:

He wants to end the marriage, he doesn’t have the balls to say so. He’s telling you by his actions. Your marriage is over sorry.

The problem here isnt that you don’t want to be intimate with him, it’s WHY you don’t want to be intimate with him. Let’s be honest, who wants to even go near someone who makes them feel like shit, particularly when that person is supposed to be YOUR person? Honestly, i wouldn’t want him anywhere near me either!!!
I would very calmly sit him down, tell him this isn’t working for you and what you would like to happen (re-engagement/counselling whatever) and that, without some major changes, you will end the relationship. See his response. If he refuses to even see that there is a huge problem, admit to his behaviour or attend counselling then I think that tells you everything you need to know. If this man doesn’t value you, YOU must value you and do whatever you have to to regain your sense of self worth. You deserve to be happy op xx

Splitting up will be less traumatic than arguing for the next 20 years and being called names

OP I don't think I could get past someone verbally abusing me in this way. It is a total love and passion killer. As you say, how can you be intimate with him after this?

I left a long term partner after he called a c--t as a one off. I knew it would keep happening if I didn't leave.

As hard as it may be to consider, I’d assume this is the beginning of the end. He’s not bothered, he may be looking to push you by behaving like this, maybe he’s trying to engineer the split. once name calling starts then it’s over, there’s little or no respect left and no desire to behave any other way. You are arguing anyway, irrespective of name calling. Something isn’t right. Consider ending the marriage. You aren’t happy, he doesn’t seem to be either.

Thanks everyone

This sounds utterly miserable
What are you getting out of it op?

Nothing right now. I want to move on and find a happier life but I don’t know how. I want to be taken out by someone who likes me. My life feels shit to be honest

There is no respect for you. It can’t ever be a good relationship without respect. Respectful people don’t call their partners names.

Please leave him and concentrate on building a life for yourself without a man for a while- regain your confidence, look after yourself, concentrate on you. You deserve to be happy.

@beautifulview

Nothing right now. I want to move on and find a happier life but I don’t know how. I want to be taken out by someone who likes me. My life feels shit to be honest

You don’t need anyone to come and rescue you. You are a strong capable woman, you can do this. Make your plans and get legal advice.

You need a plan. Start by googling solicitors near either your home or work. Look for good recommendations. It'll make you feel better to take some control here.

If there was the one problem of him calling you a bitch maybe counselling would help. Honestly, I would bet it's indicative of a wider problem. I'd be considering my options for getting out, he hardly sounds like he's going to improve with keeping. Sorry OP but that's now I see it.

Who knows why he's behaving the way he is, but he's making it clear that he dislikes you and feels contempt towards you.

I understand you are doing your best to re-connect but this is becoming futile. You know for a fact if you dissconnect emotionally this marriage will be un repairable for you.

You following him around shows me it is you who is doing all of the running to attach again, has he very much had his own way during the relationship.
Were you always the one to apolgise?

You need to cut off and make that decision that you can do no more, this man will not learn until everything has gone.

Some men only learn the hard way.

You are not getting any respect,support, love or succour from him, I honestly think you would be better on your own.

I’ve been with my partner for 24 years. In that time he has NEVER called me the B word.

Id leave. It doesn't sound like he wants the relationship to work

If he called me a bitch I'd say "call me that again and we will divorce".

Get out now. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

I was going to ask what has changed and it could be your return to work has triggered his sense of control. His attempts to stop you have an equal voice in your relationship by name calling..it's effective. You focus on his name calling and he doesn't have to discuss anything sensibly. It also makes you defensive and doubting yourself.

Can you give an example of what an argument might be about?

How do we move past the name calling and how do I get it to stop?

OP I am guessing there is a hell of a lot more to this sad post than you had time to write. "LTB" is an easy thing to throw out, but much harder to do ... especially if deep down, you are wishing that a kinder version of your husband would suddenly & magically reappear.

But I bet he's been grinding you down & disrespecting you for years. I wouldn't bother with marriage counselling - in fact, it is seriously NOT recommended by experts when one of the couple is abusive - but if I wanted to make one last ditch stand, I'd say something like -
"DH, you know I hate it when you call me a bitch, you also know I don't resort to name-calling when we row. I'm asking for the same consideration from you. I don't want to discuss it, I am simply asking you to never do it again."

Then the very next time he does it (& he will - because it's not about him thinking you are a bitch, it's about him performing a dominance display over you) - THEN you leave the fucker.
I think that is the only way you will get him to stop.
Sorry OP but there has to be a better way for you to live than being called a name you hate in your own home, by someone who is meant to respect & love you.

@beautifulview

He becomes defensive. Repeats the words “bad word” as though he’s incredulous. Then reiterates that it’s his right to call me a bitch because I am being a bitch

OP, I think you are so desensitised & destabilised by this horrible man's treatment of you, for so many years, that you do not fully realise how dreadfully shocking that statement is.

Please do yourself a HUGE favour - buy a copy of this book. Get it sent to work, or a trusted friend's house.
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Read it.
Then see a lawyer, get copies of all financial & asset info, passport (for DC too if you have them), & start implementing a plan to leave.

You are living with a Dominator, & there is nothing you can do to change him from a bad man into a good one.

@beautifulview

I don’t think he’s interested in anyone else to be honest. I think he’s completely retreated. He’s able to totally shut me out which then leads to me not sleeping, chasing him because it’s quite frankly a really shit life to live with someone who can push you away endlessly and have no interest or care in your well-being

"It's quite frankly a really shit life" - what would you say to a close friend who said this to you? I'm sad for you but you've got to gather all your reserves of strength and start the process of divorce. This is no way to live. You'll be so happy when it's sorted out & you're free of this arsehole. He doesn't even like you.

I'd be really blunt - just turn to him and say right, shall I call the estate agents to come round and value the house? If he looks puzzled asks why etc just say, you've clearly checked out of this marriage, you have no respect for me and don't care how I feel - so shall we get the house on the market because it's not tenable for me to live with someone who has no respect or care for me.

If it's untrue he will go about proving it if he can't be bothered or doesn't engage properly with the conversation then just do it, call an estate agent and ask them to come do a valuation. Call a solicitor and make a free advise appointment etc.

Just start going about the natural consequences of his behaviour and see what he does. And yes you could take your share of the house sale and move and start a new life near to your new job.

Realistically what could be worse than having to live and share a bed with someone who you know doesn't care about how you feel anymore? And yy to immediately stopping doing any of his laundry, cooking etc.

Sorry you're going through this OP, name calling isn't nice. I agree with most of the above posters. Him calling you a bitch is a way to shut you up.

I'd persue the argument if that was me. "Why am I a bitch? Because I said something you didn't want to hear? Because I said the truth?" Call him a damn bitch.

Also if he says I'm calling you a bitch because you're acting like it ...ok thanks but how is that improving the argument or progressing the discussion? How about he responds with something that might actually resolve the situation rather than name calling, like a child. So let's try again shall we.

(But I'm quite persistent in arguments. I don't let fly away comments pass me without bringing it up).

And stop looking after him and doing stuff for him around the house. Because a bitch wouldn't do laundry, cooking or cleaning would they.

Call him...Crap Shag