I'll try to keep this short. Ha! I've asked friends for perspective and opinions vary; I am very slowly losing my mind.
My (non-live in) partner of a few years is very lovely, kind, attentive, "aware" etc and I love him very much. I am, at the same time, guarded and generally suspicious of men. This is due to childhood issues, a couple of severe deceptions in long term relationships (pretty serious stuff), my general no nonsense feminism, and probably much more. I've never had a lot of time for laddishness, leery behaviour, etc. Hard to have perspective as I think some of my closest lovely friends think I'm probably too hard a task master on men in some ways.
To cut to the point, my partner revealed a few serious things (red flags but a long long time in his past) early in our relationship. We talked, processed and "sort of" moved on. We then made friends on social media, and I admit that I did some digging.
I don't know if I need to defend this as I think people are mixed about this. To clarify I didn't hack, have never looked at his phone, his diaries, or anything like that. Only what was in the public domain. To me, this, as a mother and as a cautious new partner is kind of fair game, but I know some people will say not. I dont think I would have done it if he'd not revealed quite a colourful past, so I suppose I was looking for either comfort or confirmation.
Anyway, I saw quite a lot of laddish type posts. And several years later I still can't quite get past this. Nothing pornographic or really low brow, but a general low level phwoar attitude to some women that I personally find off putting to see on a middle aged mans "wall".
Basically included....
Him putting up posts of actors/singers he found hot. Nothing too graphic just expressing he thought they were hot.
Following some of these and I can see he has liked some of their pictures (nothing salacious particularly but just them looking hot!).
A link to the "top ten" hottest airline cabin crew (not particularly pictures, just the list of companies from some silly article ... which he indicated he agreed with).
A discussion with a friend about hot tennis players (20 years his junior) at Wimbledon.
A few Likes of others more leering posts. Some of which I would say are fairly sexist.
So, compared to what others have to see on partners social media he isn't following camgirls, Instagram modes, talking in a very derogatory manner about women etc. But I'm just a bit yuck at a lot of this. I think on its own, each of these things is sort of something and nothing. Mindless. Most of his posting isn't related to anything like this.
I suppose I'm venting. I can't seem to get it out of my head. and it's on top of some other far more shocking info about his sexual past. I think that the fact he presents as pretty right on, and yet I've "seen" some of the banter...just makes me feel mistrust generally. Also, when I've asked him what his opinion is of a particular person (not out of the blue, prompted by seeing them on tv etc), he's indicated he doesn't know really who they are (evidence would show otherwise!!).
So, mumsnet... am I over the top and mental, past is the past, he treats me well. I can't see that these posts have occurred since we've been together but they were there until fairly soon before we met. Or, is someone's real attitude writ large on fb etc, and the mr nice guy is just for me; that he's probably a bit of a "bloke" when with his mates. My view is that if someone is prepared to be blokey on fb, they're probably much worse when with their mates?!!!
Talk me down and slap my face, or tell me that I need to strengthen my own boundaries, I have no idea what's even acceptable on SM anymore.