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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

White lie or no respect?

68 replies

NCshame · 22/10/2021 20:47

NC for this due to sheer embarrassment.

I have a 3.3yo and a 4 week old baby, both DH’s kids and we’ve been married for 6 years.

We live in SE London and this week he had a meeting in Bristol early one morning. The drive is too long for him to get there in time (think he would have had to leave at 4am to be there in good time) so we agreed he go the day before and stay with a friend of ours down there.

In order to miss traffic he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived at our friend’s house at 9ish, then worked there all day and they went out in the evening. All fine with me. I got both kids up and the big one to nursery, then collected in the evening and did bath and bed with both of them alone. The next morning I did the same thing, and he was due home to do bedtime on day two. I.e., we agreed I would do two mornings and one night solo whilst he was gone.

Fast forward to day two and the meeting runs over and the drive home takes longer than anticipated. I get a call saying he’s running super late and so I go get the big one from nursery and do bed and bath with both of them again.

I had a CS four weeks ago and healed well but not lifting yet etc. Baby is exclusively breastfed so I’m up a lot in the night with her, as is the norm.

So here’s the thing. I just went into the kitchen and grabbed his phone thinking it was mine. I unlocked it (we have the same passcode so genuinely hadn’t noticed it wasn’t mine) and it opens on a WhatsApp page with his friend and I can see that he invited a friend to play golf with him on his way home on day two, at 2pm, in west London. Assuming not takes 3-4 hours to play and then 60-90 minutes to drive across London at rush hour, there’s no way he would have been at nursery by 6pm.

It might have been the case that the meeting ran over and he didn’t make the golf game, but I’ve no way of knowing. I haven’t asked him yet.

Am I being hormonal to be upset by this? I can’t believe he has such little respect for me that he would leave me alone with a newborn and a toddler when he could have been with me the whole time. Maybe I’m overreacting?

If anyone has any ideas for next steps I’d be grateful. Should I confront him or try and find out if he actually went first? Or just leave it?

OP posts:

TowandaForever · 22/10/2021 20:49

It's not a white lie. It's a lie!!

Vix1977 · 22/10/2021 20:51

Try to find out if we went first. If he lies, then just be honest with what you know.

If you don't talk about it, you will just get more and more annoyed about it.

Original poster

NCshame · 22/10/2021 20:51

Can’t believe how long that was. Thanks for bothering to read. X

OP posts:

Original poster

NCshame · 22/10/2021 21:06

I asked him if he had planned to play golf yesterday and he said he hadn’t, which is clearly a lie because he invited a third friend and booked a tee time. I don’t know whether he actually played.

OP posts:

PackedintheUK · 22/10/2021 21:12

That's no white lie. I'd be so mad the neighbours would want to know what's going on.

DuckDuckNo · 22/10/2021 21:15

That is no white lie. That is deceptive.

tarasmalatarocks · 22/10/2021 21:16

I’m afraid this sums up what I feel about many men these days— put themselves first and lie to hide the fact they are an inconsiderate shit — they may not be disloyal but so many are mega selfish

MrMrsJones · 22/10/2021 21:17

I would tell him...when I ask you a question, it tends to mean I know the answer!!!

I suggest you tell the truth

Original poster

NCshame · 22/10/2021 21:23

I’m so upset that he’d do that to me.

We are clearly not his priority at all. I still can’t even lift our three year old.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 22/10/2021 21:28

Why are you afraid to tell him what you told us. You picked his phone by mistake and you know he booked golf.
I think he wanted to have a bit of fun. Fair enough - we all can use some fun with friends, given that life hasn’t been easy the past year. And I am sure with little kids, it’s even harder.
HOWEVER - there is time and place. And 4 weeks post W’s c-section may not be the best time.
And certainly not if he isn’t honest about it.

Plus - you deserve fun too. In your current state it would most likely mean some sleep. Has he offered to do his share - maybe have you pump and sleep through some feeds…

Pallisers · 22/10/2021 21:31

@PackedintheUK

That's no white lie. I'd be so mad the neighbours would want to know what's going on.

4 weeks post c-section this would be me too.

If he did this, it wasn't a white lie. It was a lie and a selfish horrible thing to do to your wife.

4 weeks post abdominal surgery I bet he'd be hobbling around asking for cups of tea on the sofa not minding an infant and a toddler on his own.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/10/2021 21:37

Echoing others, this isn't a white lie... it's a lie.

I had a CS four weeks ago and healed well but not lifting yet etc. Baby is exclusively breastfed so I’m up a lot in the night with her, as is the norm.

Considering this I would feel really, really hurt and also be questioning him making such shitty decisions as a father as you aren't able yet to lift your older child.

He sounds like a dick based on what you've said.

Does he have form for being selfish? For seeing you as the default parent and seeing any parenting from him as 'helping' you?

Original poster

NCshame · 22/10/2021 21:38

@MMmomDD I’m not really afraid to confront him (he wouldn’t care about the phone thing), it was more a sense check to see if I’m overreacting because I’m tired and hormonal if my reaction is normal given the circumstances.

3yo is having a bad night so he’s left our conversation to go settle him. Probably thinks he’s safer navigating a toddler tantrum than answering my - pretty bloody basic - questions.

OP posts:

Cuntness · 22/10/2021 21:40

I'm pretty chilled out but this would make me furious.

QuestionNumberOne · 22/10/2021 21:45

Totally selfish and deceitful behaviour.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2021 21:48

He lies about this, effortlessly, what else does he lie about? What a prick.

HollowTalk · 22/10/2021 21:50

I would be furious about this. I'd be furious also that he couldn't just leave the house at 4 am to go to Bristol. He thinks he's on his bloody holidays that guy.

kittenkipping · 22/10/2021 21:54

Oh op
I'm sorry. You are not being hormonal or overreacting here. He's been monumentally selfish and frankly I'd be feeling so let down and hurt if my husband had put me and my children so far down his list of priorities that I'd struggle to look at him. Even excluding his lack of consideration for you, your children should have come higher in his estimation. His three year old who has a new baby, less attention, big change and who can't be carried around like before (mine are the same age gap and those first few months are hard for the older baby. At 3 they are still very little and it's huge change for them) needs him there as much as possible. Your dh seems a selfish prick to me tbh.

samwitwicky · 22/10/2021 21:55

4 weeks post CS leaving you with newborn and toddler??

He shouldn't have gone at all.

Original poster

NCshame · 22/10/2021 22:00

@kittenkipping I feel so sad for my children. My poor big boy had to do everything for himself for two nights because the baby won’t be put down and he was so brilliant about it all that it has been enough to bring me to tears. And this tiny baby is so beautiful and small and he chose not to be with us.

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 22/10/2021 22:09

Even before you saw his phone, it was obvious he was lying to you. His story didn't make sense.

He leaves at 6am and gets to Bristol at 9am. Yet he'd need leave at 4am if he was going straight to his meeting so that must have been due to start at 7am if he's a 3 hour drive. 7am meeting, really? Smells like bullshit already.

Then the 7am meeting goes on so long and traffic's so bad that he's late home that evening? So that means his 7am meeting lasted a good 5 hours or so. So clearly telling you a pack of lies already.

He basically wanted to go out on the piss with his mate in Bristol then go golfing with another mate the next day. He didn't give a damn about you or his kids. Your husband is a liar. If he lies about this, what else does he lie about?

Sorry OP, you and your children deserve better than this liar.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/10/2021 22:27

[quote NCshame]@kittenkipping I feel so sad for my children. My poor big boy had to do everything for himself for two nights because the baby won’t be put down and he was so brilliant about it all that it has been enough to bring me to tears. And this tiny baby is so beautiful and small and he chose not to be with us.[/quote]
You know what that means? That you're a great mum and he is already a kind and caring boy. You don't need to be in a relationship with an arsehole who would prefer to play golf and lie about it than enjoy your lovely boy and baby and support you when you've had major surgery and can't lift your older boy.

You're doing great, he's the let down here

Original poster

NCshame · 22/10/2021 22:37

Thanks for the messages everyone. I feel like such a tit.

He’s just gone out to get the car and I text him to say that I know he is lying to me, that I don’t know why he has chosen to lie to me, and that I think he should sleep in the spare room. He hasn’t responded and that was ten minutes ago.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 22/10/2021 22:51

kittenkipping · 23/10/2021 00:08

I hope he hasn't responded because he feels the shame he should

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