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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

White lie or no respect?

68 replies

NCshame · 22/10/2021 20:47

NC for this due to sheer embarrassment.

I have a 3.3yo and a 4 week old baby, both DH’s kids and we’ve been married for 6 years.

We live in SE London and this week he had a meeting in Bristol early one morning. The drive is too long for him to get there in time (think he would have had to leave at 4am to be there in good time) so we agreed he go the day before and stay with a friend of ours down there.

In order to miss traffic he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived at our friend’s house at 9ish, then worked there all day and they went out in the evening. All fine with me. I got both kids up and the big one to nursery, then collected in the evening and did bath and bed with both of them alone. The next morning I did the same thing, and he was due home to do bedtime on day two. I.e., we agreed I would do two mornings and one night solo whilst he was gone.

Fast forward to day two and the meeting runs over and the drive home takes longer than anticipated. I get a call saying he’s running super late and so I go get the big one from nursery and do bed and bath with both of them again.

I had a CS four weeks ago and healed well but not lifting yet etc. Baby is exclusively breastfed so I’m up a lot in the night with her, as is the norm.

So here’s the thing. I just went into the kitchen and grabbed his phone thinking it was mine. I unlocked it (we have the same passcode so genuinely hadn’t noticed it wasn’t mine) and it opens on a WhatsApp page with his friend and I can see that he invited a friend to play golf with him on his way home on day two, at 2pm, in west London. Assuming not takes 3-4 hours to play and then 60-90 minutes to drive across London at rush hour, there’s no way he would have been at nursery by 6pm.

It might have been the case that the meeting ran over and he didn’t make the golf game, but I’ve no way of knowing. I haven’t asked him yet.

Am I being hormonal to be upset by this? I can’t believe he has such little respect for me that he would leave me alone with a newborn and a toddler when he could have been with me the whole time. Maybe I’m overreacting?

If anyone has any ideas for next steps I’d be grateful. Should I confront him or try and find out if he actually went first? Or just leave it?

OP posts:

Original poster

NCshame · 23/10/2021 09:43

Big row this morning. He kept asking me why I had asked and I told him I’d seen his phone. He kicked off about “going through” his phone but I’m not biting that because a) I didn’t intend to see what I did and b) it is the point.

He started off telling me that he had always planned to play golf that night and that he had told me so - bullshit. Anyway, he eventually admitted the whole thing but said even if he didn’t play he still wouldn’t have been home for bedtime (can’t see how on earth that could possibly be true).

He has apologised for lying, apologised for playing golf and looks pretty sheepish. He has been laying it on thick about “how well” I did with them both, which made me explode. I didn’t have to do well/cope; we could have actually had a nice time with the extra hands, energy and car.

Not really sure where to go with it. He seems to think the argument is all over and resolved but I’m still crushed that he did that.

OP posts:

Original poster

NCshame · 23/10/2021 09:50

I am seeing two girlfriends this morning (had already planned for them to meet the baby), so I think I’ll tell them. I look dreadful anyway so they’ll know something is up. I barely slept and have puffy eyes.

OP posts:

Sparklfairy · 23/10/2021 10:01

Oh OP. He left you recovering from a CS unable to lift anything to play golf and lied about it. Now he's gone through all the tactics, anger, turning it on you, pacifying you with "you did so well".

You needed him and he wriggled out of responsibility using deception. I couldn't look at him the same and would lose a huge amount of respect for him.

I'm glad you're going to see and tell your girlfriends. Is it worth considering going to counselling with him? He needs to see that his old life of doing what he wants when he wants has changed and he might listen to a third party more than you. You are not default childcare, and he needs to step up. At the very least counselling may bring his deep seated attitudes to the surface instead of him lying to get his own way, then you can make a decision about the relationship more quickly and with all the facts.

RandomMess · 23/10/2021 10:04

I would tell him by text something like -

I honestly don't know how I will move on from this you should in both your actions and in your lies before during and after how little you think of me or care about my physical, mental or emotional well-being. My memories of x being a newborn will be tainted with discovering the truth true state of our marriage.

Unless you tell him bluntly he will gloss over it, put the record straight.

HundredMilesAnHour · 23/10/2021 10:36

I hope when you meet your friends and introduce them to your baby that you're leaving your toddler with your husband to look after. I'd be making sure he had his hands full with childcare from now on.

Well done for sticking to your guns OP, and yes make sure you tell your friends about the lying husband.

I honestly don't know how I'd move forward from this. I don't think I could bear to be in the same house as him.

EmbarrassingMama · 23/10/2021 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NCshame · 23/10/2021 10:40

I don’t want to be here either. I keep crying. He keeps trying to talk to me about regular stuff and I can’t stand it.

He’s going to drive me to my friend’s house now and take the toddler.

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/10/2021 10:44

I am glad you have support from friends IRL op. He is a disgrace and I hope he knows it. He should be grovelling. Fkn grovelling. If he isn’t, I am genuinely not sure I could get over his behaviour - so uncaring and disrespectful.

Noapplejustcrumble · 23/10/2021 12:30

Why did he have to go to Bristol in the morning the day before the meeting? Why couldn’t he have driven there after rush hour the night before the meeting?

Viviennemary · 23/10/2021 12:42

Its very annoying. But I don't think its a big deal unless you suspect he was meeting his mistress or something. Which isn't the case. I would just let it go.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/10/2021 12:51

@Viviennemary

Its very annoying. But I don't think its a big deal unless you suspect he was meeting his mistress or something. Which isn't the case. I would just let it go.

I had a CS four weeks ago and healed well but not lifting yet etc. Baby is exclusively breastfed so I’m up a lot in the night with her, as is the norm.

This is why it's a big deal.

beastlyslumber · 23/10/2021 12:59

@Viviennemary

Its very annoying. But I don't think its a big deal unless you suspect he was meeting his mistress or something. Which isn't the case. I would just let it go.

He lied and left his wife alone to deal with toddler and baby with no car and no help, when she is still recovering from CS.

That's more than "very annoying". Why would you just let it go? Raise your standards, please.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/10/2021 13:06

Also @Viviennemary cheating isn't the only reason people question whether they should stay in a relationship. Being let down when you're physically vulnerable and by extension your children are too (e.g she can't lift toddler), being lied to and being disrespected are adequate reasons to seriously reconsider a relationship.

Some people seem to think cheating is the only 'acceptable' reason to be incredibly unhappy. As PP said, your standards should be higher than that.

Amiwronghere · 23/10/2021 13:14

Oh op that’s so rubbish of him, I’m so sorry x

scooterbear · 23/10/2021 13:38

So he's been on a jolly, lied about it because he knew if he asked you would rightly say that you needed him to be at home, then got defensive and attempted to lie further before finally admitting it, saying sorry and thinking it's done.

This is one of those things that in 5 years from now will still be 'the thing you can't mention' because it will still cause an argument. (There seems to be one in all marriages) .
It's the idea that someone could be that selfish and also that deceitful at a time when you need them that sucks. It's not a marriage ender but it is something that would stick with me for a long while and would probably make me look at him differently going forwards.
Try and have a nice time with your friends, let him do all the work with the kids he can possibly do, rest up. Tell him it's really upset you and will do for a long while.

HundredMilesAnHour · 23/10/2021 13:38

@Noapplejustcrumble

Why did he have to go to Bristol in the morning the day before the meeting? Why couldn’t he have driven there after rush hour the night before the meeting?

Because by driving there the morning before, he could go out drinking with his mate that night. He'd have missed his fun night out if he'd travelled that evening.

beastlyslumber · 23/10/2021 13:45

It's not a marriage ender

It would be for me. The deceit and manipulation and gaslighting would be the end of it for me. How could you trust anyone who did that to you? At a time when you were incredibly vulnerable and kids needed both parents there?

Onthedunes · 23/10/2021 14:19

It's actually dangerous, I had cs's and very little outside help, I was lifting too much whilst, doing too much not getting the proper healing I needed. Children same ages as yours.

I ended up with a huge absess on my cs scar, quickly poisoned me, ended back up in hospital for a week, intravenous antibiotics and other complications.
Apart from the fact you are over tired, it's crazy to just dump everthing on you, very irresponsible and shows you how much of a support he will be in the future when you need help.

Very selfish, immature man child.
Tell him he's a dissapointment.

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