White lie or no respect?

[NCshame]

NC for this due to sheer embarrassment.

I have a 3.3yo and a 4 week old baby, both DH’s kids and we’ve been married for 6 years.

We live in SE London and this week he had a meeting in Bristol early one morning. The drive is too long for him to get there in time (think he would have had to leave at 4am to be there in good time) so we agreed he go the day before and stay with a friend of ours down there.

In order to miss traffic he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived at our friend’s house at 9ish, then worked there all day and they went out in the evening. All fine with me. I got both kids up and the big one to nursery, then collected in the evening and did bath and bed with both of them alone. The next morning I did the same thing, and he was due home to do bedtime on day two. I.e., we agreed I would do two mornings and one night solo whilst he was gone.

Fast forward to day two and the meeting runs over and the drive home takes longer than anticipated. I get a call saying he’s running super late and so I go get the big one from nursery and do bed and bath with both of them again.

I had a CS four weeks ago and healed well but not lifting yet etc. Baby is exclusively breastfed so I’m up a lot in the night with her, as is the norm.

So here’s the thing. I just went into the kitchen and grabbed his phone thinking it was mine. I unlocked it (we have the same passcode so genuinely hadn’t noticed it wasn’t mine) and it opens on a WhatsApp page with his friend and I can see that he invited a friend to play golf with him on his way home on day two, at 2pm, in west London. Assuming not takes 3-4 hours to play and then 60-90 minutes to drive across London at rush hour, there’s no way he would have been at nursery by 6pm.

It might have been the case that the meeting ran over and he didn’t make the golf game, but I’ve no way of knowing. I haven’t asked him yet.

Am I being hormonal to be upset by this? I can’t believe he has such little respect for me that he would leave me alone with a newborn and a toddler when he could have been with me the whole time. Maybe I’m overreacting?

If anyone has any ideas for next steps I’d be grateful. Should I confront him or try and find out if he actually went first? Or just leave it?

OP
Don't text your husband.
Look him straight in the eye and ask him what he was doing in Bristol.

I agree, the whole thing sounded like a giant pile of BS
And it's not a white lie, it's a lie lie

He’s stealing from you. He’s prioritising his time over time with the family, at a time when you need him. After a CS and new baby, you’re in no position to demand equitable free time. You couldn’t feck off for 4-6 hours, and you need rest and support.

He hasn’t come to bed, I assume because he knows he’s been caught out. He can’t really continue to lie because I know the two other blokes he was going to play with, so if push comes to shove I can ask them.

He replied 30 minutes after I text him saying “What do you think I’m lying about and why do you think I’m lying?”.

I’d ignore until the morning. Hope you get some sleep. You must be exhausted.

As though you need this shit on top of everything.

Selfish, lying bastard.

Agree with PP. Assuming he had to go to Bristol at all, he should have done a day trip, not turned it into a 2-day jolly. It was incredibly inconsiderate and selfish of him. I hope this is the exception rather than the rule with his behaviour.

Yes there's not much difference between leaving at four and leaving at six. He's just awarded himself a nice little mini break.
You're not telling me that in these times he couldn't have said he'd join the meeting online as his wife has just had a c section.

Honestly, I went to university in 1986 and my cohort of young women really felt the world had changed for women and that within a couple of generations inequality would have been entirely wiped out. 35 years later we're still getting this shit. And do you know why? It's because the men don't want it. They want to be selfish and have things their own way. The millisecond a woman has a baby it all changes. The men are free and the women aren't.

Sorry OP and to top it all he's decided to double down and gaslight you.

What a selfish prick. I doubt he even had a meeting, and if he did I'm pretty such it could of been done on zoom.

As another poster said he's just rewarded himself with a mini break.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with his lies as well as recover, I hope you are OK.

Thanks for your kindness everyone. I jsut don’t know what to do. I wish it were a week day, then I could take the toddler to nursery and be with the baby, but we’ll have to do something together. I want to tell him to piss off snd stay with a friend for the weekend.

I really can’t bare to tell anyone in real life because I don’t want anyone to think he’s a dick, or that I am for putting up with it. But I don’t know why I should protect him. Maybe I should take the kids down to my mums for the weekend by train.

so sorry OP that he lied and then chose to make it more difficult by making you spell it out for him!!

If you can tell someone, a mum or a friend who can provide support, that'd be best I think. With my close friends we have an understanding that we can tell each other things about our partners but with minimal judgement etc. Really helps to not bottle it up and have someone to lean on. I hope you have someone like that you can turn to too. Hugs xx

Leave him with the toddler and go somewhere with the baby to chill .
Maybe even book a night at a bnb or hotel.

That is NOT a white lie! What an inconsiderate prick. As for his response, I’d be absolutely raging. He seems to manage afternoons off so my dh could take a day and look after toddler while I told him he’s a selfish inconsiderate fuck who doesn’t deserve me or his beautiful children , you and baby will be at your mums and back tomorrow, don’t forget to drop 3yo at nursery, if you can fit it into your golf schedule.

It's a stupid thing to lie about. I totally understand needing time out when you've got a newborn and a small child, but there's a time and a place for it and 4 weeks post c-section is not the time. Besides, he already had time to himself since he was legitimately away for the night so this golf bullshit is just pure selfishness.

I'm not one to rush to extremes but it would take a while for me to forgive this.

He's been an arse.

But texting instead of talking, and disappearing off to your mums for the weekend isn't going to resolve it.

FFS have a conversation. Shout at him if you need to, but assuming you're not planning to just walk out of your marriage over this, with no discussion, then you have to talk like grown-ups. Texting each other while you're in the same house? Come on.

I know you're upset, and it's hard. But you've got two kids, you have to start talking. Because if you can't do that then it's not lying about a game of hold that's your problem.

Have you checked if he even had a meeting, or was he just off on a jolly the whole time?

@NCshame

He hasn’t come to bed, I assume because he knows he’s been caught out. He can’t really continue to lie because I know the two other blokes he was going to play with, so if push comes to shove I can ask them.

He replied 30 minutes after I text him saying “What do you think I’m lying about and why do you think I’m lying?”.

Sorry OP, but this shifty reply makes me think that there are other things he’s been lying about too.

I agree, it's not a conversation to have by text. Don't "run away" to your mum's without talking to him, unless there are other reasons you want your marriage to be over.

He hasn't come to bed because you told him not to!

He's behaved appallingly and you're tired, but a new baby is hard on everyone. At least listen to him (and have him listen to you) before deciding what to do.

I agree with the texting business, it was stupid, but I had told him not to come to bed and I was up here feeding the baby and still had questions.

I have been up for a couple of hours but I think they are both still asleep so I’ll talk to him face to face in the morning. I don’t want my marriage to be over, obviously, I just need to feel like we are important to him. Right now, I don’t.

Sorry OP. I think his behaviour is really disgusting. I don't think I would be able to forgive him. How can you trust him? He puts his wants over the needs of his family. He leaves you to cope with everything while he goes off on a jolly with his mates. He knows it's unacceptable so he lies his head off about it. And now he's trying to gaslight you into thinking you're being unfair or unreasonable for asking him questions.

I think you have just got a glimpse of who this man really is.

I'm sorry OP. That's really shitty of him. He's obviously sulking that He's been caught out or else he would have come to your bedroom to talk to you.
I actually don't think it matters whether he played golf or not... he planned to play and that says it all.

You must be exhausted with all of this as well as only having a section 4 weeks ago.
His response now will show you who he really is. A decent person will come to you and explain truthfully what he did. He will then apologise, take responsibility for the children today and allow you to rest whilst he makes up for being so selfish. If he asks you what he’s done wrong, tells you half a story, avoids you or tries to suggest you are overreacting then it’s time to reevaluate who he actually is. I hope he steps up for you.

Oh and do tell someone IRL, he should be ashamed and you need the support.

Yeah that's pretty shitty op.

When reading your Op, my first thought was that he's arranged himself a mini-break of some sort and has lied to you about work. He didn't need to set off so early the previous day for a meeting only 3 hours away. He may have had a meeting in Bristol, and then decided to bolster it with some fun with his mates either side. He may not have had a meeting at all, and has orchestrated the whole thing to get himself a couple of days away.

If you didn't have such a small baby, I'd be saying his lying is wrong and why didn't he just tell you the truth and say he was having a night away with his mates?

But as you have 2 small children and such a small baby, now is not the time, even if he was being honest.

His lying is shocking, and as pp said, you now know he's happy to lie (and does it convincingly) which will make you question past behaviour and things in the future. He can't be offended if you no longer trust him. He has shown you he can't be trusted. A lie is a lie. It doesn't matter what it's about - if you're happy to lie to someone once, then you'll do it again.

And him asking you what you think he lied about is him fishing to see how much you know. Which makes me think there could be more to it. He's finding out what you know before he admits to anything.

I would be disgusted at his behaviour and would lose a lot of respect.

He has lied. And he has lied to get himself a lovely mini break while adding to his wife's workload with a toddler and a small baby.

Also I meant to say- please do tell someone / people IRL. It's him who should be embarassed, and so often we cover up people's bad behaviour which means they get away with doing it again and again.

You deserve support. If he doesn't want your family to think he's a selfish lying arse then he shouldn't act like a selfish lying arse. Simple.