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Original poster

WWYD - discovered something about dp's past and now struggling to move past it

54 replies

MumsOnTheGin · 22/10/2021 10:27

I know this is going to sound a bit weird. I've been seeing dp for 6 years now. Happy relationship, I think we genuinely do love each other. In 2019, I was at a work meeting when I completely coincidentally bumped into someone who said they knew dp. Dp is involved in a v niche industry and I happened to mention we were doing something that weekend linked to it. She told me that she was dp's ex's best friend and then just happened to mention when they had broken up. The year overlapped by a year with when me and dp started seeing each other.

I didn't say anything there and then but when I got home, I confronted dp and he burst into tears Hmm and admitted that in the first year we had been together (we weren't living together then), he had actually been 'in the process' of breaking up with his ex. I.e. he was still living with her!!

I found it all very hard to believe and it completely shattered my trust in him but it also seemed a long time ago and he'd never done anything to make me doubt him. I wasn't really sure how to approach it and then we went into lockdown. Dp then lost his job and he's been stuck at home since then - he now has a part time job that he can do from home.

I think him being around the whole time in a sense lulled me into a sense of security. He is now trying to get a new job and because of this, is trying to do a lot of networking. Last night, he travelled to a conference. He swears he told me weeks ago, I genuinely don't think he did - I spotted it when I saw it in the calendar this weekend. It involved an overnight stay and he is coming back today. I realised last night that I am struggling to trust him. Just the fact that for a whole year he lied to me, with v little signs that he was, has made me doubt his behaviour and I think the fact that he got stuck at home for almost 2 years has meant I've not had to deal with this.

can I ask how you would approach this? there's a big part of me that says if you aren't going to be able to trust him, what is the point but I'm also wondering if it's worth trying to get that trust built up again.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumsOnTheGin · 22/10/2021 10:30

calendar *last weekend

OP posts:
hamstersarse · 22/10/2021 10:31

He sounds a bit pathetic

What does "in the process of breaking up" even mean? For a year?

Palavah · 22/10/2021 10:34

Oh gosh. I don't know what to suggest but I'm not surprised you are finding it difficult to trust him.

A whole year? That's a LOT of subterfuge.

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2021 10:34

So you’ve been seeing each other since 2015, during that year he was living with a partner you didn’t know about, he moved out in 2016. Into a house with you? Or somewhere else? Where did you think he was living during that first year of seeing each other?

Then 2016-19 you were happy until you found out this revelation. You thought you’d worked through it but now worry it wasn’t really dealt with.

Have you considered counselling to work it through together?

Original poster
MumsOnTheGin · 22/10/2021 10:34

it is totally pathetic - apparently they had agreed to break up but were living in a flat together that she couldn't support without his income. So they agreed to stay in the flat together while they cancelled the lease (which had a long notice period) and found other places to live. The timing means he moved directly from her to me !!

I wouldn't be surprised if I got a totally different story from her! I mean it's possible....but it sounds...contrived...

I suspect the truth is something between the two - he probably started looking for someone new to go out with before they had broken up properly

OP posts:
Charbead49 · 22/10/2021 10:35

A year of breaking up?

I believe if you don't have trust you don't have anything. Couldn't live my life constantly wondering and second guessing every little thing.

Original poster
MumsOnTheGin · 22/10/2021 10:35

@NoSquirrels yes that's it

in the year we were together, he had a room at a friend's place where I thought he lived. He had stuff there but it turns out he was actually 'officially' still living with his ex in her flat

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/10/2021 10:36

But what did he tell you about his living situation at the time?

That’s a huge lie by anyone’s standards.

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2021 10:38

X-post.

So perhaps he genuinely wasn’t “living with” her in anything but name, if he had a room at a mate’s? It sounds very odd.

What was his reasoning for not telling you? A d how did you meet - dating app, accidental?

Original poster
MumsOnTheGin · 22/10/2021 10:38

should also point out that we are not kids....I am almost 50 (as is he)....not that that makes a difference but for some reason, I find it even more appalling that he wasn't honest

OP posts:
Original poster
MumsOnTheGin · 22/10/2021 10:40

@NoSquirrels yes we met on a dating app (which is how he met his ex too)

I thought he was living in room at friend's place. He still says he was partially living there. I suspect he hadn't fully broken up with her but was 'intending to'. I think either way it's clear SHE thought he was still going out with her (given what her friend said) and he is definitely guilty about it because he got v upset when confronted!

OP posts:
Cavagirl · 22/10/2021 10:44

Did you meet none of his friends or family in the first year?

Monsterpumpkins · 22/10/2021 10:46

Are you assuming they still slept together?
My now dh had a recent ex when we met. . In your shoes he would be out the door pronto...

Original poster
MumsOnTheGin · 22/10/2021 10:51

@Cavagirl I met his friends, his kids (not from that ex), no one said a thing!!

@Monsterpumpkins I assume they did. He says they didn't. I find that hard to believe. I suspect towards the end they probably weren't but I assume they must have been at the beginning

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 22/10/2021 10:56

I'm not sure why you were interested in a guy who had a room in his friend's house at that age.

He has lied and lied and lied. He told his children to lie to you as well, by omission if nothing else.

You have financially supported him then throughout this time? Quite honestly I would tell him to get lost. He took that year to make the decision whether to stay with you or not. That was your honeymoon period and this is how he spent it.

Alonghairinapie · 22/10/2021 10:59

I don’t think I could stay with him sorry. That’s an awful lot of deception. And obviously you know it doesn’t take a year to break up.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 22/10/2021 10:59

it is totally pathetic - apparently they had agreed to break up but were living in a flat together that she couldn't support without his income. So they agreed to stay in the flat together while they cancelled the lease (which had a long notice period) and found other places to live. The timing means he moved directly from her to me !

I mean, I lived with my ex for 8 months or so after we broke up. We also had a flat, he couldn’t afford it, the landlord wouldn’t remove my name without a replacement and nobody wanted to take on a lease to live with a random stranger (I’m not in London, house shares aren’t really a thing where we lived).

We had separate rooms, but lived together, until he punched me because he’d heard rumours that I’d slept with someone else, and thankfully; the landlord let me leave the lease on police advice then.

But lying about it isn’t really on; and the fact that you don’t trust him now is pretty critical, so it doesn’t really matter if his story could be true; or is true.

NoYOUbekind · 22/10/2021 11:00

FWIW almost the exact same thing happened to me years ago but after the BF and I had broken up. We never lived together and had already been through a tough split but I was absolutely devastated all over again. It took me a really long time to get over it.

I don't really have any advice but I wanted to say that your feelings are valid. This is a really big thing. Don't let DP try to brush this under the carpet any longer. I suspect you are going to need couples counselling to explore this properly and move forward.

I also suspect you won't be able to do this without hearing the other woman's side of the story and that in itself will open a whole other can of worms...

Original poster
MumsOnTheGin · 22/10/2021 11:05

I'm really sorry to hear that @TakeYourFinalPosition, how dreadful. I'm glad you managed to get out of that situation and I hope you're safe now.

@HollowTalk I haven't needed to support him as he got random part time work jobs in the interim (all from home)

I think his biggest issue is not being able to say no to people and finding it hard to talk about the truth. I suspect there is some truth in his story but also some lies. But the bottom line will be that he started to look for another partner when things were going wrong with his current one without telling her that he was doing that. I don't know when she did find out but I imagine by then we had been seeing each other for some time.

thanks all - I think I just needed to crystallise my thoughts

OP posts:
DuvetDayIsEveryDay · 22/10/2021 11:05

Ouch this is a hard one.

I think ultimately, for me it would be the lying I couldn't get past. He lied for a year and for the last 5 years he continued to lie.

Not sure I could forgive that.

Original poster
MumsOnTheGin · 22/10/2021 11:07

@NoYOUbekind thanks for that and I'm sorry it happened to you too! I just don't get why people can't be honest :(, the truth v rarely hurts less than the lies. I guess they are bargaining on never being caught.

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 22/10/2021 11:07

If you look at it this way OP, you were unwittingly the OW for a year.

you know that he is capable of that level of deception, so there is no way of knowing whether he will start a new relationship with someone else at any time.

Personally I couldn’t get past it and the relationship would have been over the instant I found out. Finding out you were deceived is bad enough. Finding out that not only were you deceived but that you were unknowingly implicated in deceiving someone else is something I definitely couldn’t get past.

TheTrinity · 22/10/2021 11:12

No, I could not and would not move past this. Your relationship began on a lie. At no point did he come clean and tell you the truth, you found out purely by chance. This is his character and habit that I don't think he can change tbh.

themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 11:21

Can you contact his ex to get the story from her regarding times and things? What I can gather they were both agreeing to separate at the time, and he started seeing you and decided not to disclose that the relationship technically still was happening just the back end of it?

I think if her story adds up - yes he lied to you and it was well dirty but lying over a separation when you got together and cheating on you now when you are in the middle of a happy relationship are two completely different things. This does not mean I condone what he did, I don't, it's awful.

ravenmum · 22/10/2021 11:43

I think his biggest issue is not being able to say no to people and finding it hard to talk about the truth
I'd suspect him of other lies too in your position, if it comes from a deep-seated issue that makes him hide things. His parents ridiculing him, for instance, so that he learned not to tell them his mistakes. Was he the family idiot?

Him bursting into tears when you confronted him - do you think that was to do with whatever deep-seated issue it is (feelings of shame), a tantrum because he'd got caught, because he thought you'd chuck him out as he'd digressed so badly?

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