WWYD - discovered something about dp's past and now struggling to move past it

[MumsOnTheGin]

I know this is going to sound a bit weird. I've been seeing dp for 6 years now. Happy relationship, I think we genuinely do love each other. In 2019, I was at a work meeting when I completely coincidentally bumped into someone who said they knew dp. Dp is involved in a v niche industry and I happened to mention we were doing something that weekend linked to it. She told me that she was dp's ex's best friend and then just happened to mention when they had broken up. The year overlapped by a year with when me and dp started seeing each other.

I didn't say anything there and then but when I got home, I confronted dp and he burst into tears and admitted that in the first year we had been together (we weren't living together then), he had actually been 'in the process' of breaking up with his ex. I.e. he was still living with her!!

I found it all very hard to believe and it completely shattered my trust in him but it also seemed a long time ago and he'd never done anything to make me doubt him. I wasn't really sure how to approach it and then we went into lockdown. Dp then lost his job and he's been stuck at home since then - he now has a part time job that he can do from home.

I think him being around the whole time in a sense lulled me into a sense of security. He is now trying to get a new job and because of this, is trying to do a lot of networking. Last night, he travelled to a conference. He swears he told me weeks ago, I genuinely don't think he did - I spotted it when I saw it in the calendar this weekend. It involved an overnight stay and he is coming back today. I realised last night that I am struggling to trust him. Just the fact that for a whole year he lied to me, with v little signs that he was, has made me doubt his behaviour and I think the fact that he got stuck at home for almost 2 years has meant I've not had to deal with this.

can I ask how you would approach this? there's a big part of me that says if you aren't going to be able to trust him, what is the point but I'm also wondering if it's worth trying to get that trust built up again.

I had to live with my ex for 18 months whilst split up. Difference was when I started dating, I was open about my living situation (it took so long because of funds, being in a chain etc).

A man I dated lived with his ex for about a year because of divorce issues. That was fine. All open, friends and family knew etc.

Your DP sounds like he's still lying.

One of my exes would lie over things he thought may annoy me. What annoyed me was the lies, not what he lied about. Also meant that he didn't trust me because he judged me by his standards

..."Last night, he travelled to a conference. He swears he told me weeks ago."

I don't think it's the type of thing you (and most people) would 'forget' about, particularly as he has spent so many months at home.

Slightly surprised he still went knowing your concerns.

A whole year of deceipt is quite eye-watering.

Looking back do you think he was the one that was very financially stretched and had you as the perfect line-up?

@1forAll74

Not sure why you can't put all this behind you now, it's all in the past.

Fuck me, what a post!! Have you ever met a human being before?

He's obviously capable of leading a double life he's proved that already. Dirty John vibes here what else is he lying about. Never date a 'separated' man. Even the 'single' ones are hard enough to trust and many liars will gravitate towards dating sites because its easier to lie (and I include Women in that too)