Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD - discovered something about dp's past and now struggling to move past it

54 replies

MumsOnTheGin · 22/10/2021 10:27

I know this is going to sound a bit weird. I've been seeing dp for 6 years now. Happy relationship, I think we genuinely do love each other. In 2019, I was at a work meeting when I completely coincidentally bumped into someone who said they knew dp. Dp is involved in a v niche industry and I happened to mention we were doing something that weekend linked to it. She told me that she was dp's ex's best friend and then just happened to mention when they had broken up. The year overlapped by a year with when me and dp started seeing each other.

I didn't say anything there and then but when I got home, I confronted dp and he burst into tears Hmm and admitted that in the first year we had been together (we weren't living together then), he had actually been 'in the process' of breaking up with his ex. I.e. he was still living with her!!

I found it all very hard to believe and it completely shattered my trust in him but it also seemed a long time ago and he'd never done anything to make me doubt him. I wasn't really sure how to approach it and then we went into lockdown. Dp then lost his job and he's been stuck at home since then - he now has a part time job that he can do from home.

I think him being around the whole time in a sense lulled me into a sense of security. He is now trying to get a new job and because of this, is trying to do a lot of networking. Last night, he travelled to a conference. He swears he told me weeks ago, I genuinely don't think he did - I spotted it when I saw it in the calendar this weekend. It involved an overnight stay and he is coming back today. I realised last night that I am struggling to trust him. Just the fact that for a whole year he lied to me, with v little signs that he was, has made me doubt his behaviour and I think the fact that he got stuck at home for almost 2 years has meant I've not had to deal with this.

can I ask how you would approach this? there's a big part of me that says if you aren't going to be able to trust him, what is the point but I'm also wondering if it's worth trying to get that trust built up again.

OP posts:
Skeumorph · 22/10/2021 11:44
Shock

'He says he was partially living there'

No he wasn't.

He's still lying to you.

That's absolutely shocking.

He isn't who you think he is. Not at all. So I guess this is your warning.

I would contact the person if you can and ask about the living situation. It would be too important for my future to not be clear about it. No they weren't 'splitting up' for a year - he was cheating, for a year, she probably had no idea something was wrong, he was probably sleeping with you both.

I would need to know those facts and I would then almost certainly leave him.

jayho · 22/10/2021 11:45

Similar story here, ex told me they were separated and she was in the process of moving out. We were long distance and as I had a you g child he usually came to mine. But I did meet his family and friends.

I moved in with him two years later and found a closet full of her clothes. He gave some cock and bull story which I believed unfortunately. He also suddenly wanted to replace the sitting and dining room furniture, spare room, towels etc.

Ten years later when we divorced I discovered that they had become engaged while I was dating him, they joint owned the house, she moved out about four weeks before I moved in, he gave her 50% of the value of 'our' house in cash ( which she completely deserved) by raising the mortgage which I paid 50%, half the furniture etc

He would never put me on the deeds because he said it was a faff but really because I would see that her name came off after I moved in.

We bumped into her in the supermarket about six months after I moved in, I stopped to say hello too and be civil to this long time ex he'd separated from amicably nearly three years ago. She was horrified, burst into tears and ran away. Makes sense with hindsight...

I suppose the point here is that this was a conscious and deliberate course of action. I was either a bit on the side or she was a fall-back or something in between. Your bloke doesn't seem much different. I think you only know the half of it

Skeumorph · 22/10/2021 11:46

@Charbead49

A year of breaking up?

I believe if you don't have trust you don't have anything. Couldn't live my life constantly wondering and second guessing every little thing.

No, I would think it's much simpler, he cheated until he was sure where he wanted to jump.

And he brought his children, other people into it, to lie to you too?

Jesus! God I'd have to kick him into touch simply because I could not live with that level of disrespect, for a start. Oh my word.

Skeumorph · 22/10/2021 11:47

@MumsOnTheGin

it is totally pathetic - apparently they had agreed to break up but were living in a flat together that she couldn't support without his income. So they agreed to stay in the flat together while they cancelled the lease (which had a long notice period) and found other places to live. The timing means he moved directly from her to me !!

I wouldn't be surprised if I got a totally different story from her! I mean it's possible....but it sounds...contrived...

I suspect the truth is something between the two - he probably started looking for someone new to go out with before they had broken up properly

Oh sorry the post I quoted above was meant to be this one!
Skeumorph · 22/10/2021 11:49

OP, there's a very simple saying which pretty much holds true for absolutely everything.

Give liars a wide berth.

It's as simple as that. You now know this isn't a person to be trusted, so no healthy relationship is truly possible.

BobLemon · 22/10/2021 11:49

You’re doing a lot of guessing here.

Anyone who has spent nearly 50 years in the world will have plenty of history. You can’t know it all.
I know a little bit of knowledge and the gaps in details can be tormenting but in the context of a 6 year relationship that you raise no other compliant about, I hope you find time to stand back and look at the knowns and the certainties.

By staying together, you’re investing in your future, not his past. Does he make you happy? Do you have shared goals? Do you want him? Things to think about and place weight on rather than focusing on what was probably an unhappy time in his life.

Blueberryflavour · 22/10/2021 11:59

But even if his version is true and that year was just a practical arrangement until the lease expired, why didn’t he just tell you? He could have said he was in a tricky position trying to extract himself from his current living situation, they weren’t together as a couple blah blah. You could have then made a free choice as to whether to get involved with him or not. Instead he pretended to be living at a friends, and got the friend to cover for him, until he could conveniently move in with you and has in fact never told you the truth, you just found out by accident. In my experience people who lie do it a lot especially if they get away with it, I would be very surprised if he hasn’t told you many more lies over the years

Guiltypleasures001 · 22/10/2021 12:04

So did he move in with you then? Is it a case he jumped ship with her once he had secured accommodation with you op?

FlowerArranger · 22/10/2021 12:05

In my experience people who lie do it a lot especially if they get away with it, I would be very surprised if he hasn’t told you many more lies over the years

This. Once trust has flown out the window, it'll never come back...

Palavah · 22/10/2021 12:05

He cheated on both of you until he knew he could move in with you.

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2021 12:07

You don’t currently trust him, and you need to deal with that.

Is the relationship good otherwise? You thought so before this - so has knowing this from his past meant that you’re looking at other things he’s said/done and doubting them, or just that you feel he might do the same to you in the future? Why has the travel to a conference triggered this - because he didn’t tell you about it but swears he did, or because you think he’s going to cheat on you?

In what way do you not trust him, is what I’m getting at.

It was a massive lie of omission on his part not to tell you he was involved with someone at the beginning of your relationship.

But that doesn’t make him a serial cheat, necessarily.

You need to pinpoint your feelings.

FlowerArranger · 22/10/2021 12:08

@Guiltypleasures001

So did he move in with you then? Is it a case he jumped ship with her once he had secured accommodation with you op?
And this. How much money did he save himself, and to extent did he increase his standard and comfort of living, by moving in with you, @MumsOnTheGin?
altmember · 22/10/2021 12:27

I doubt you'll ever really know what was really going on with them during that year. You'll probably never totally believe what he tells you, or his ex for that matter. Maybe he'd told her that it was over, and she was clinging to some false hope that they'd reconcile. Often people in denial of being dumped won't accept the reality of it until their ex starts dating someone else. Or maybe there was nothing openly wrong in their relationship and she thought everything was fine until the very end?

There's 3 sides to every story, but you certainly shouldn't blindly accept the version told to you by a friend of the ex. They only know what the ex told them, who they're obviously going to be loyal to. Often a jilted ex has a very twisted perception of how things unraveled.

The fact he had a room at a friend's house during that time suggests they were at the very least on the rocks, and that he had indeed partially moved out.

That being said, it's pretty sneaky keeping it from you for a whole year. I guess you've got to weight that up in relation to how your relationship has been in all the subsequent years - how much value do you put on it compared to the lie of what happened back then?

Cavagirl · 22/10/2021 12:39

If you met his friends and family freely, then it doesn't make sense that you were some secret OW.

However if you weren't some secret OW, why was he not honest about his living situation from the start? As per some PP experiences already on this thread, being stuck in shared living for a certain amount of time after a breakup is hardly unusual. What is unusual is to just lie about it.

You need to do a lot more digging here I think to get to the bottom of what was really going on. If you have a good relationship with the friends/family of his you met at the time, in the first instance I'd be going back and asking them what they thought was going on.

But it doesn't sound great tbh.

SummerWhisper · 22/10/2021 12:53

just happened to mention when they had broken up are you sure about that? Sounds like a tactic to let you know he's a cheat...

Original poster
MumsOnTheGin · 22/10/2021 13:09

@NoSquirrels

You don’t currently trust him, and you need to deal with that.

Is the relationship good otherwise? You thought so before this - so has knowing this from his past meant that you’re looking at other things he’s said/done and doubting them, or just that you feel he might do the same to you in the future? Why has the travel to a conference triggered this - because he didn’t tell you about it but swears he did, or because you think he’s going to cheat on you?

In what way do you not trust him, is what I’m getting at.

It was a massive lie of omission on his part not to tell you he was involved with someone at the beginning of your relationship.

But that doesn’t make him a serial cheat, necessarily.

You need to pinpoint your feelings.

yes those are v good points. I think there are 2 things - one is that I was totally blindsided by this, in that I hadn't had a reason to doubt him until I found out about this. And the 2nd is that the relationship is/was good, very good.

the conference thing - first of all I am sure he didn't tell me, even though he says he did. That got me thinking what are you trying to hide? I think it's less about the cheating but more about the fact that I am sure he didn't tell me about a night away in a hotel for some conference which seems unusual to me and that would then give him the opportunity to do to me what he did to his ex.

I just don't believe what he tells me - i think the trust has gone

for the poster that asked about his background, yes was v ashamed when I found out about this and yes, huge family history of being the 'worst child' (all older siblings massively successful, a mother who it seems hates him (she can't hide this hatred for him even now, when I've visited her with him it is absolutely shocking) yet he won't cut off contact with her)

OP posts:
altmember · 22/10/2021 13:24

why was he not honest about his living situation from the start?

Because most potential partners would run a mile from someone in that situation (and rightly so in most cases). As many frequently are on this forum. It's a massive complication to throw into the mix when dating.

ravenmum · 22/10/2021 13:38

Has he had therapy for his upbringing, or would he be able to? Perhaps you could go in together? My ex's lies came from a similar place imo, but he couldn't talk about it. If your dp could admit where the lies come from, it might take that shame away and make them unnecessary.
If your dp is like my ex and ashamed of looking a fool, the conference lie could even be about anything he's forgotten or messed up and doesn't want anyone to know about.

Skeumorph · 22/10/2021 13:43

But it's not a 'lie of omission' at all.

He cheated - for a year.

You were in a relationship on the assumption that you were exclusive. He LIED about that. There's no grey area here 'Oh sorry, didn't I mention it?' bwah ha ha nooo I don't think so love.

and, by the look of it, used you both so at no point would he have to shell out housing for himself.

He's a real bottom feeder.

Skeumorph · 22/10/2021 13:44

And no, of course you don't believe what he's telling you - of course the trust has gone.

You definitely would be missing a marble or two if you now 'trusted' this person - he's a breathtaking level of liar - you would be mad to trust a person like this.

cheeselover2021 · 22/10/2021 14:05

A year? Thats insane.

And he started crying? Oh poor love.

I'd be packing up his stuff while hes at the conference and showing him the door. And I'd be doing that for someone who cheated on their partner with me for a hell of lot less time. In fact, at all.

No one takes a year to leave their partner, and especially when they actually have somewhere else to move to (the room you mention at his friends) and when in another relationship. if she couldn't afford the rent on her own, no reason for him to still be living there while helping her out. But most importantly, she clearly knew nothing about you!

HollowTalk · 22/10/2021 14:05

I wonder why his mum hates him? I wouldn't think much of my child if they brought a new partner home while they were still living with someone else.

1forAll74 · 22/10/2021 14:24

Not sure why you can't put all this behind you now, it's all in the past.

Skeumorph · 22/10/2021 14:25

@1forAll74

Not sure why you can't put all this behind you now, it's all in the past.
Hello, OP's cheaty hopefully-now-ex!
FlatteredFool · 22/10/2021 14:27

What a lying cheating scum bag.

Swipe left for the next trending thread