I don't know how to explain to my DH that he should care about me and my feelings

[Bananapancakes6]

We've been married 5 years, together 8. We have a 3yo and a baby on the way, I am 38 weeks pregnant and it has been a difficult pregnancy, baby has a heart defect, we've had a lot of stress with money and my health (mental and otherwise) has been rock bottom, now I am also suffering from PGP.

We've had two major rows since I got pregnant. One when I was 13 weeks where he actually pushed me. I walked out and when I came back he was apologetic and we talked things over. When I was 28 weeks I found out he'd been spying on my emails and my forum accounts while I was at work. I made him leave and go and stay at his parents house. He ended up coming back because I had a bleed and we had to go to hospital to check baby was ok - thankfully he was. We walked a lot and I agreed to forgive him, but this was his last chance. We've today had another blazing row, I'm 38 weeks tomorrow and I am just so tired and stressed.

Our arguments are always over the same two things: division of labour / resentment (my issue with him) and lack of affection / sex (his issue with me)

I just feel like I do everything - I am the sole driver so I do all the nursery pick ups/drop offs, I do all the food shops, all the appointments, haircuts and birthday parties, all the holiday driving and I also take DH to and from work a couple of times a week. I do all the household chores, all the major cleaning and cooking (DH does 1 day a week) I do all the bills, shopping and childcare organisation. I also do the majority of the dog walks (5/7) and do all the garden maintenance and DIY too.

DH works 4 days a week, he does the dishwasher every night I cook and he does the bins/recycling. That is the extent of his responsibilities apart from playing with DS and sharing bedtime routine 50/50.

He complains that I don't show enough affection and I probably don't - because I am holding so much resentment. But I have really tried to step up after letting things go cold and now I make sure we are intimate at least once a week (considering I am heavily pregnant I don't think this is too bad!) We spend a lot of time together and we do have a very "friendly" relationship so its not all cold and horrible, we laugh a lot. If I go to the shop I always buy him a chocolate treat, or a beer he likes. I think of him constantly, I like to feel this is my way of showing affection.

In may of this year he promised me he would start to look at driving lessons. It took him until August to order a provisional licence. Since then, nothing. He hasn't even enquired about lessons.

We keep having these blazing rows and he gets annoyed about me never being happy but I don't think I am asking for too much, am I? I want to be looked after, thought of with the same level of care that I think about him.

I just don't know what to do. I am in a state and crying and honestly regretting my decision to have another baby - which I feel terrible about because he's due very soon. I don't know what to do going forward or what will be best for our family. My heart is just broken and I am so so tired.

Any advice very much welcome.

You should never find yourself having to explain empathy to another human being.

It's not him that needs to understand. It's you. Understand that he KNOWS exactly what he is doing. He just doesn't care. He doesn't care that you are upset, stressed or hurting.

Stop trying to 'explain' basic human decency and respect for others to a grown man. And start showing yourself basic human decency and respect - by removing toxic, cold assed moffos from your life.

You'd probably be better off splitting - at least you'd be free of the heavy emotional burden of the resentment of living with someone who could do their share, but doesn't, and the pressure to have sex with someone who treats you poorly.

It you need to explain to a partner that you should be treated with kindness, compassion and empathy then they’re a pretty shit partner aren’t they? This is not a normal way to treat someone who you are supposed to love and support.

I’d leave him. Life and your mental health will be so much better without blazing rows and unkindness. Being a single parent is hard (I am one) but it’s not nearly as hard as being in a toxic relationship.

I mean you work, not sure how many days, and do EVERYTHING.

He works 4 days a week. How the hell does he fill the rest of his free time? He can't drive ok but why are you doing all the DIY etc!!

I feel for you, with 2 small children I wouldn't normally jump to LTB but in your situation I can't help feeling you'd ease your workload by running your own life and not worrying about pleasing him.

The pushing : 🚩 domestic violence
The snooping : 🚩 controlling
The workload : 🚩 selfish AF

Thanks everyone. I have looked into benefits / housing situation several times. I know we could be ok. I actually feel like perhaps my life would feel lighter and easier to a degree.

My biggest worry is the guilt I'd feel for the children and how the ongoing relationship/ co-parenting would work. Its scary.

You shouldn't need to explain.

I'm sorry to say it but he's an arse and he's unlikely to change. You will just get more resentful (understandably).
I'd get rid.

Awww this sounds really tough. Why has he not enquired about the lessons? Is there an issue there or just laziness?

It does sound like you are doing way too much especially being heavily pregnant.

Instead of rowing (I know it must be frustrating) maybe you could write it all down for him and ask him when the time is right to read and have a think about what you have written.

Say what you have said here but stating facts rather than accusations (which will always get his back up or say you are nagging) ie that you are just finding it all too exhausting and can’t manage it all and that you need to be more of a team - this will also improve your sex life, as you feel less stressed - maybe point that out too.

But something will need to change as you will very soon have a baby to deal with on top of everything else, or you run the risk getting ill.

Ask him for a solution? What does he say?

Good luck, hope everything goes ok.

Your husband is abusive and your marriage is doomed. You would be very wise to leave him as soon as humanly possible.

What an asshole. I think you should get rid but understand that's a huge step and very difficult under regular circumstances let alone heavily pregnant. It's abominable he got physical with you. I'm really sorry I hope you have someone you can talk to in your life about how things are going, can you tell your family and friends the truth about what's going on?

@PussInBin20 He didn't really have a reason. He is a notorious dawdler tho, it takes him ages to get round to doing anything.

Why would a woman who is 38 weeks pregnant and being abused by her partner both physically and emotionally want to improve her sex life?

@Bananapancakes6

Thanks everyone. I have looked into benefits / housing situation several times. I know we could be ok. I actually feel like perhaps my life would feel lighter and easier to a degree.

My biggest worry is the guilt I'd feel for the children and how the ongoing relationship/ co-parenting would work. Its scary.

But really, is this the model of relationships you want to teach your children?

One where the woman does absolutely everything and the man does fuck all.
One where there is bullying, shouting and aggression.
One where there are blazing rows.

Is this the kind of relationship you want to see them replicate?

And what sort of father is he to them anyway?

Wow he pushed you at 13 weeks pregnant? Huge reg flag!

He basically forces you to have sex with him at least once a week? Especially heavily pregnant, huge red flag!

Sounds like he's a lazy abusive ass who will never change, leave him.

Your children will be much better off with a calm, fulfilled mother on top of her mental health vs one who brings them up in a household where blazing rows are common and her mental health is in tatters.

I’m not trying to put you down or make you feel bad, but so many women in awful relationships (including me before I left my ex) feel guilt about their children ‘being from a broken home’ but don’t think about the very real damage that staying will do.

Take a deep breath OP and concentrate on getting your baby and you and your other DC through the next few weeks. Once He’s here and settled, you should probably get your DH to leave. I don’t think he’s good enough for you - though maybe you can let him prove that he is?

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time OP. It must be awful. I think you need to put the baby first right now, which probably means taking yourself out of the situation if possible. Do you have family nearby you can stay with? I find it worrying that he has been physical with you and spying on you, and that your current condition isn't tempering his behaviour in the slightest.

It sounds like you know why you fight which is a good step if you truly want to find a way through this. Only you can know whether this relationship is worth saving but I would ask myself seriously now if it is.

Couples counselling is a good start. If he will agree it may help you find a way to communicate without descending into rows. You may also find it helpful to look up love languages together. It's cheesy but it works. He probably feels like he does do lots, but you're not picking up what he's putting down because you don't receive love in that way. You feel like he doesn't care because he's not showing you in the way you need him to. For example someone who constantly says I love you but doesn't show it through tidying up, won't make a person whose love language is acts of service feel cared for at all. Conversely, someone whose love language is words of affirmation, might feel like shit if their partner cleans the house until it shines but never says I love you.

Both people feel like they're giving love in some way, and that's what's so maddening when the other person doesn't acknowledge it. A big love language for him sounds like physical touch, and yours is clearly acts of service. It's also not unreasonable to expect a fairer division of domestic labour, but the problem likely is that he feels he DOES do enough in all those little things that matter so much less to you.

Anyway, I do hope you find a way through. Good luck with the new baby!

You should never find yourself having to explain empathy to another human being.

100%. If a man/husband can't be kind during your pregnancy then he isn't capable of empathy.

what would happen if you went on strike from the chores? just stop doing them. Tell him that you have to focus on pregnancy / baby, and he will have to do cooking / shopping / cleaning etc.

What do you think your DC are learning right now, by example, about how relationships work? Because believe me, children learn by example, not by you saying "your partner should respect your boundaries" and then just lying on the floor and letting your partner wipe their feet on you.

Yes he pushed me, which I agree is huge red flag and unforgivable but he is an excellent dad to our son, we never ever argue in front of him and I never cry when he is around.

@ForeverQuery He doesn't force me to have sex with him once a week. I fancy it around once a week and make an effort to make sure it happens so we are both satisfied.

Nahhhhh to counselling. He's a abusive turd.

38 weeks with a previous bleed and he still wants sex. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Never mind the previous pushing and general lazyarse-ness.

Throw this one back and don't feel guilty. Plenty of kids out there not suffering from parents splitting and do you want to be a model for them?

@weathervane123 Thank you for this - your post makes a lot of sense. I will look further into this.

Couples counselling is a good start.

No, it’s not. Not in this case. This is not a communication issue that can be fixed by talking it out.

This man has pushed the OP while she was pregnant. He pressures the OP into being intimate. He doesn’t take on his share of the family workload. He doesn’t care the OP is deeply unhappy.

She needs to leave him.

In what way is he an excellent dad?

You're fooling yourself if you think children don't hear things.