I don't know how to explain to my DH that he should care about me and my feelings

[Bananapancakes6]

We've been married 5 years, together 8. We have a 3yo and a baby on the way, I am 38 weeks pregnant and it has been a difficult pregnancy, baby has a heart defect, we've had a lot of stress with money and my health (mental and otherwise) has been rock bottom, now I am also suffering from PGP.

We've had two major rows since I got pregnant. One when I was 13 weeks where he actually pushed me. I walked out and when I came back he was apologetic and we talked things over. When I was 28 weeks I found out he'd been spying on my emails and my forum accounts while I was at work. I made him leave and go and stay at his parents house. He ended up coming back because I had a bleed and we had to go to hospital to check baby was ok - thankfully he was. We walked a lot and I agreed to forgive him, but this was his last chance. We've today had another blazing row, I'm 38 weeks tomorrow and I am just so tired and stressed.

Our arguments are always over the same two things: division of labour / resentment (my issue with him) and lack of affection / sex (his issue with me)

I just feel like I do everything - I am the sole driver so I do all the nursery pick ups/drop offs, I do all the food shops, all the appointments, haircuts and birthday parties, all the holiday driving and I also take DH to and from work a couple of times a week. I do all the household chores, all the major cleaning and cooking (DH does 1 day a week) I do all the bills, shopping and childcare organisation. I also do the majority of the dog walks (5/7) and do all the garden maintenance and DIY too.

DH works 4 days a week, he does the dishwasher every night I cook and he does the bins/recycling. That is the extent of his responsibilities apart from playing with DS and sharing bedtime routine 50/50.

He complains that I don't show enough affection and I probably don't - because I am holding so much resentment. But I have really tried to step up after letting things go cold and now I make sure we are intimate at least once a week (considering I am heavily pregnant I don't think this is too bad!) We spend a lot of time together and we do have a very "friendly" relationship so its not all cold and horrible, we laugh a lot. If I go to the shop I always buy him a chocolate treat, or a beer he likes. I think of him constantly, I like to feel this is my way of showing affection.

In may of this year he promised me he would start to look at driving lessons. It took him until August to order a provisional licence. Since then, nothing. He hasn't even enquired about lessons.

We keep having these blazing rows and he gets annoyed about me never being happy but I don't think I am asking for too much, am I? I want to be looked after, thought of with the same level of care that I think about him.

I just don't know what to do. I am in a state and crying and honestly regretting my decision to have another baby - which I feel terrible about because he's due very soon. I don't know what to do going forward or what will be best for our family. My heart is just broken and I am so so tired.

Any advice very much welcome.

@Bananapancakes6 mmm well I guess that doesn’t help things either. I would find that frustrating too.

Assuming you want to try to keep the relationship, I think you have to press upon him how important the lessons are and that if things don’t significantly improve/change, then you will have to consider your future. After all, your’re not his Mum and he needs to take responsibility.

He sounds like a pig. A mean unkind pig. How do you get on with your parents? Could you tell them what is going on?

And he is not an excellent dad. Excellent dads don’t treat the mother of their children like shit.

He's not an 'excellent dad' to your son if he's treating son's mother like dirt.

He pushed you. He doesn't trust you, spies on you. Doesn't respect you.

You know this isn't right. You are waiting for a way out, a clear exit.
It's never going to be clear or easy but you have the power to leave him.

I think I just feel in such a vulnerable position. It feels like this pregnancy has been nothing but stress and I'm setting myself up for PND again. I just feel so low and battered.

@Bananapancakes6 what would happen if you refused sex? Would he sulk? Become moody?

I was going off what you said about him having issues around intimacy and sex (I'm guessing he wants it more) I'm factoring in your heavily pregnant and probably not wanting sex right now.

He's definitely not a good dad, no good dad pushes their mum. He's spying you on, definitely not a good role model dad there.

Anyway, I think you need to push your issues with him to one side for now and focus on bringing your new arrival in to the world, when things settle, tell him it's over and go from there.

I'm betting Mr Excellent Dad doesn't do much of the nuts and bolts of childcare, but makes the toddler laugh.

Honestly, it's not your job to train him up to be a decent, caring human being. That was his parents' job when he was a child and has been his job since then. They've all failed.

The only thing you need to do is decide whether you want a selfish, abusive arse in your life. Because people rarely change.

The advice given on these boards is normally to get them out before having the baby because otherwise you'll be too tired when it arrives. You'll keep him in the hopes that he will be of help but he will consistently prove that he is a bastard.

Get him gone and start as you mean to go on with the next child.

So you do all the cooking, housework, driving around and mental load, basically you’re his 2nd mother and he’s wondering why you don’t want to be intimate with him…hmmm. Tell him and demand change if he won’t leave, it’s so much easier only cleaning up after yourself & the kids. You will also get some time for self care.

"I never cry around him" (your DS).

That sentence alone is just so sad to read and a damning indictment of your marriage.

@Pinkbonbon

You should never find yourself having to explain empathy to another human being.

It's not him that needs to understand. It's you. Understand that he KNOWS exactly what he is doing. He just doesn't care. He doesn't care that you are upset, stressed or hurting.

Stop trying to 'explain' basic human decency and respect for others to a grown man. And start showing yourself basic human decency and respect - by removing toxic, cold assed moffos from your life.

Excellent post.

Just sums it all up.

I know it is easy for this nest of vipers to say leave him. But genuinely, the resentment at the lack of help lessens and there is actually less work to do if they aren't there. Having the freedom to do things your way without dragging a sack of skin with you is so liberating. Feeling lonely now? There's nothing so lonely as being in a bad relationship. Conversely being alone after that is not actually lonely in my experience. You have in subsequent posts on this thread acknowledged him pushing you was a red flag. The surveillance is also very disturbing. What possible reasons has he got for that? Your children won't thank you for staying with him (trust me your son knows regardless of whether you cry in front of him or not) and I say that as a child of someone who 'stayed' for us. I do agree with a PP that you need to do it before the birth of your next because it will be a while before you will feel up to it afterwards. Do you have real life support?

This is very similar to me and my ex, except we only have the one DS.
I can’t say leaving was easy, and in fact if he hadn’t stooped to having an emotional affair (because I wasn’t showering him with affection while I was caring for a newborn baby and he was sitting on his arse 🙄) then I’m not sure when I would have done it. But I am so glad I did! If I ever met the woman he was chatting up I think I would kiss her on the mouth for setting me free.

I’m on benefits and co parenting has been a struggle but it is so worth it. The air is clear, my son doesn’t have to worry about his fathers moods or me being frazzled all the time from trying to get a man child to do his fair share. I do everything but it GETS DONE. I would not have it any other way.

So I hope you can see it’s not just MN flippancy when I say I think you should LTB. Families come in all shapes and sizes. My son is too little to understand at the moment but when he is older I will make sure he understands that his dad is no less his dad just because he doesn’t live with us. (I won’t mention that him not living with us is a fucking bonus).

Sorry you’re going through this.

Thank you for your responses, I really appreciate them.

I think I have come to the realisation that this relationship has run its course and staying will only make everyone miserable. My dilemma is how to actually leave with a baby due in the next two weeks.

Good on you @Bananapancakes6. I'd start with family if you have any you can rely on. Or a friend you and your son can stay with? There are also women's refuges you can go to for temporary accommodation. You may not think you qualify, but from what you've told us, you do. You can find out more here: www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/phone-the-helpline/

It's really positive to have made the decision - now you can start to look forward! As scary as it seems there really is nothing worse than being in a bad relationship and like others have said your children will not thank you when they are older. (Take my word for it, my parents marriage was hell).

Don't worry now too much about visitation or how co-parenting will work out right now, just leave to a safe place and let him know you'll be in touch in a couple of days to allow him to see his son and to discuss the practicalities of separation (if you feel safe enough to do that).

Stand firm in your choice now you know it is the right one for you. Good luck!

If he was an excellent dad, you wouldn't have needed to post.

Good dads are also good family men. They are a team with their partners. They are just good people, full stop.

You cannot by definition be the kind of lazy abusive turd who pushes around a pregnant partner, does fuck all around the house to the point where he KNOWS that his partner is at breaking point, and be a 'good dad'.

He's a shit dad because he's a shitty person.

Yes, I would choose to bring up your children in a home where this isn't the horrible dynamic that they'll learn as the template for their own relationships.

Get rid.

He’s not an excellent partner or dad. He’s crap in all areas. How did he manage to live before you? He surely had to clean his own house? He’s taking the absolute mickey.

You've said several things that each on their own would be a deal-breaker for me I think:

Pushing anyone is bad. Pushing your pregnant wife is disgusting.
Snopping on your online activity - another huge red flag
Lazy and entitled / thinks you are his servant
Doesn't keep his word (and in the ccontext of learning to drive, which would make your life easier, that's especially bad).

Bearing in mind all of the above, he has the cheek to whine that he doesn't get enough affection. Why on earth would he think you would find him attractive when he's lazy, selfish, aggressive, unreliable and controlling??!!

Right now, a loving husband would be doing all he could to reduce your stress and reduce the physical burden, heavily pregnant as you are. But he's creating stress and making you unhappy. You would be so much better off without him.

I was married to a man like this. I stayed for years longer than I should have. My life is so much better now I'm not being disrespected, gas lighted and abused every day. My kids lives are so much better not seeing it happen. Leave and enjoy your life.

Oh my goodness, you have an absolutely massive load currently. At the top of your list needs to be your own emotional wellbeing, which you seem to be asking your partner to meet and he can't. Maybe consider that a bit more deeply at some point but that isn't an issue for right now. So you need to step up to it. What do you need to do in the short term to protect yourself, your child and the baby who is going to need your intensively very soon? If you need to leave the house you share together then do it. Now. Your children are absorbing everything in your environment so whatever you tolerate they will automatically tolerate alongside you.

We've had two major rows since I got pregnant. One when I was 13 weeks where he actually pushed me

It should have ended there. He crossed a line with his temper.

I've said this countless times on these forum - do you think he would have pushed a 6'5 massive, gym-going man in this way?? Probably not. He pushed a PREGNANT WOMAN for God's sake!

The division of labour issues is clouding your judgment, and so if the fact that you think he's a good father (debatable).

I would normally write a lengthy response about your other issues with him, but I don't want to distract from the biggest issue here, which is his lack of ability to control is temper and his actions

@EarthSight I do agree with you, I wish I had left at that point. I can't believe I let it slide.

Christ people are so extreme on here....he sounds like your average bloke to me. The ones who don't appear like this are just covering it a lot better.