i constantly think about being ugly and I think it's ruining my relationships

[iwantalltheplasticsurgery]

I'm in my mid 20s. I've always thought I was odd-looking; very big eyes, nose too small, mouth to small, very sharp jawline... i could go on. A lot of my younger years I heard that i was "uniquely" pretty. Which I read as being odd-looking.

I think about this constantly. And I mean constantly... I try to avoid mirrors where possible, always in the back of my mind that I need to keep my hair over my ears to hide them. I look like I'm preening myself because of how much I need to arrange myself (if that makes sense).

I confided this in a work colleague when drunk the other week and laughed it off saying "well everyone thinks they're ugly dont they". To which she said "no, not everyone thinks that."

I've been told I'm pretty or beautiful by a range of different people... and I've been called ugly by an ex-boyfriend. Specifically I remember him cheating on me when I was 19 and him saying "yeah she had big tits unlike you" which still plays in my head constantly, despite years of therapy.

Anyway these thoughts in my head are ruining my relationships whenever I feel happy with someone the thought comes into my head that they will cheat because I'm ugly. There are times when my boyfriend will say a certain celebrity is pretty, and it makes me sad. Or times a pretty woman will just walk past us and I just think "she's prettier than me, he fancies her".

I also set "traps". So I was talking about getting lip fillers the other day and he said "well get them if you want, i like your lips though" and it just made me think that I dont look like all the social media women he follows and he's just putting up with me for now. I cant decipher if his behaviour is disrespectful or I am paranoid.

I've had therapies - counselling, CBT, CAT, mindfulness-based therapies, self esteem workshops.

Nothing works.

Please help

Oh lovely, have you ever heard of the book ‘Women Don’t Owe You Pretty’?

You don’t have to be pretty. Think of all the people you love best in the world, and all the people who make you laugh and who you think fondly of. Are they all pretty? Do you care?

I’ve always been a bit of a natural minger, so I do get where you’re coming from with the insecurity. I’m 41 now and it’s so liberating. Things will only get better, I promise you.

Plus, from what you’ve said it sounds like you’re actually rather attractive by societal standards.

But do see if you can get to a place where that doesn’t matter

Hi just wanted to tell you my tip which seems to work fairly well. I always think I'm about 4 times better looking than I really am. Not so I am arrogant but so that I don't worry about how I look. To the point where I should probably put more effort in tbh. No one is perfect and I don't think anyone feels really confident about themselves all the time. We are human and therefore flawed, every single one of us. Be kind to yourself it will be a very long and hard journey if not xxx

Why does being pretty mean so much to you? But tbh big eyes and a small nose are considered’pretty’.

Your not wrong that it will destroy your relationships. I don't know what the answer is though apart from to try a different councellor.

How strange. Sounds like some kind of dysphoria? Definitely try a different therapist.

Do you think you could practice feeling confident? So next time you look in the mirror pick out three things you like about your reflection. Practice behaving how a person secure in their looks would behave. Next time your partner mentions an attractive celebrity, practice smiling and saying 'yes isn't she lovely' (providing your partner says it respectfully and isn't a sleazeball!). Next time you have a spot or eye bags or a generally rough day, practice shrugging it off in a way someone who understands their intrinsic worth would shrug it off, we all have bad days right? Practicising these things are likely to give you little tiny hits of dopamine and lay down new neural pathways helping you to break the bad habits you've gotten into thinking about your looks.

You sound as though you could be really pretty, OP! Do you feel brave enough to post a photo? You could get MNHQ to delete it later.

Confidence, a smile, positive attitude and nice personality go so far and last as time goes on

I think we all like different looks, styles etc
Re the tits comment what a twat, some prefer small and neat, some large some of us don’t really care at all in my relationship history I dated a girl with very large boobs the next were very small, I was way more interested in the person to care much, both were equally fun.
Try not to think about it and enjoy life
Things will work out.
Become a naturist, you will not meet a more body positive bunch of people, and you will really see that we all have imperfections

Totally get what you mean op been like this all my life and was bullied as a child and during my teens for not being attractive.
Now I’m nearly 50 and I get angry at all the wasted years of worrying I’ve done over my lack of good looks. Ive always been kind, caring , funny and honest. I’m realising that doubts for so much more than how I look.

Counts not doubts !!

@Time40

You sound as though you could be really pretty, OP! Do you feel brave enough to post a photo? You could get MNHQ to delete it later.

If she has done multiple thearpies a bunch of strangers on the Internet saying I think you are lovely isn't going to help. Her own boyfriend says these things and she still 'sets traps' to try and catch them out.

Just to add whether the op is pretty or looks like a foot isn't really the issue, it's more the obsession with this one issue.

With the greatest respect and kindness you need to go back to therapy. Not necessarily CBT - it’s not trying to reframe your thoughts, it’s trying to understand WHY you feel this way. What are the fundamental root causes of your beliefs.

If you don’t want to go back to therapy or in the meantime I would advise totally submerging yourself into mindset coaching, mindfulness practice, body acceptance movement, exercise that is for pleasure and health not weight loss, reading feminist literature, listening to quality feminist podcasts and YouTube content.

Detox from socials. Remove anything and anyone from your life that makes you feel less than.

Invest your energy into understanding that what makes a person is not the outward appearance. Build your self worth. Reject the notion that we must be beautiful. Reflect society telling you that you must conform to standards. Know that you are enough now, not when you get filler, not when you have different hair or bigger boobs. Now. You are enough now.

It’s perfectly normal to have the odd moment of hating your hair or wishing you had a smaller bum or a straighter nose or whatever it might be - but it’s only because we’ve been conditioned to believe it’s important. It’s not really is it.
Because I bet you love your friends and family exactly as they are - big bums, bad teeth and all.
I bet you don’t think “oh god she’s ugly” about any of your friends.

Self worth, self love and self acceptance.
I think feminism is the answer to this. But then I think it’s the answer to everything

I’m saying this with kindness, but if you’ve had extensive therapy, what do you think a bunch of strangers on the internet can do to help you?

I’m sure you aren’t actually ugly - I don’t think I’ve ever met a genuinely ugly person. Have you? People are so much more than their looks.

You must stop setting traps and tests for your partner though. It is very unfair to set them up to fail a test they don’t even know they’re taking. And he sounds like a good one. I have a good one too. If I said I wanted fillers/botox/whatever I’m pretty sure his response would be exactly as yours was.

It sounds like you may have some form of obsessive disorder to be so consumed by this issue. I don’t know what to suggest though - try another therapist? Sometimes it can take several tries to find the right fit.

Why is being pretty your prettiest currency?
Let’s say you aren’t conventionally “pretty” for a moment & take that as truth. What are your best characteristics? Like if you are ugly, what do you think you HAVe got?

Our standards of pretty change - right now caterpillar eyebrows & bloated slug like lips are all the rage. This would have looked ridiculous only a few years ago!

Personally nobody to me looks better with lip fillers, was teased for my big “fish lips” as a kid & lip filler to me looks sad + ridiculous. But you do you! If you think that will help you feel better then do it.

It’s not fair however to set an emotional trap for someone to walk into & you can’t expect someone’s words to soothe what is broken inside you.

I meant why is being pretty your BIGGEST currency !

Completely leaving your looks aside, do you love yourself, do you care for and nurture yourself, do you respect and value yourself? Do you ever recognise your good habits and behaviour and tell yourself "well done, not everyone could have done/said/achieved that"?

I was raised by very superficial parents who were obsessed with policing womens bodies, and this was the 80s - the mantra was "a woman can never be too rich or too thin" along with "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels".

I was bullied horribly at secondary school for being "fat" (in reality I was very muscular and had a healthy appetite - I was probably at the top end of the healthy BMI range. Certainly no health professional ever raised any concerns.)

I was also told by my dad "you are the clever one, your sister is the pretty one" - both of us obviously took away the implication that I was ugly, and she was stupid.

You describe your reaction to your boyfriend admiring a woman's appearance - I did this for a very long time. I used to hate-watch Miss World so I could try to ridicule the contestants for being stupid. I was a churning mass of envy and bitterness.

It wasn't until I started unpicking these fundamental core beliefs (and I didn't even realise they were beliefs, I thought they were facts) AND most importantly, distancing myself from people who instilled them (so mainly fading out my parents, but also stopping consuming toxic media that encourages body shaming and encouraging women to compete, eg Daily Fail) that I was able to let go of these harmful thought patterns.

Once I was able to let go of the "competition" idea, once I was able to see other women as potential friends, allies, role models, I was able to start loving and valuing myself. Because I was no longer operating on the basis of "I'm sub-standard human because I'm not a man, so I must try and conform to their ideal of femininity to be accepted as a person."

That was the point I started to look in the mirror and accept myself rather than avoiding the mirror or catching glimpses and going" argh'.

With more work on myself (both in therapy and self-led) I'm now at the point where I truly love myself, not in a conceited way, but I love myself as I love my son. I have flaws, I'm not perfect, but I see the beauty inside. When I look at myself in the mirror, it is with a loving eye.

I really hope you can get to that point op 💐

It's very boring to be with someone who thinks about nothing but their looks all time be it in a positive way or negative way.

I've had men in the past who didn't think much of their looks, low self esteem. Every compliment was brushed off...no I'm not, I'm ugly, etc etc . I genuinely found this guy hot as fuck but he wouldn't accept a single compliment.

Honestly it is just boring in the end.

If she has done multiple thearpies a bunch of strangers on the Internet saying I think you are lovely isn't going to help

Yes ... on second thoughts, I think you're right, Mynameismargot.

I hope you can find a way of dealing with this problem, and feeling better about yourself, OP.

Honestly when I'm feeling down about how I look, I think of people less fortunate than myself... like those poor women who get acid thrown over them and are disfigured for the rest of their lives. It really gives me a good shake and makes me appreciate what I have.

I'm sure there are plenty of things about you that are beautiful. Instead of fixating on the things you don't like about yourself, find something you like about your appearance and fixate on that

I'm extremely plain. Always have been. The best anyone's had to say about my looks is that I "look clever," particularly in comparison to my very pretty cousins.

So many people have tried to reassure me that I am pretty in the right light / with the right clothes / with the right make up / whatever else and the most liberating feeling was realising that actually I don't care - you get the face you get, attribute it to God or genetics, and there's not much you can do about it.

If you are constantly thinking about it, have a look into Pure O / OCD intrusive thoughts and see if you can approach it from that perspective perhaps?

Pretty fades, and personality counts. I always say you cannot have a conversation with pretty. It is all subjective. It is also linked to hair cuts, colours and clothing to best reflect who you are as a person. What one person sees as pretty, another will not. Think about super-models. Surely you have seen some where you have thought how are they models? Don't tell other people, like work colleagues, your hidden fears as they can be exploited in the wrong hands. Indeed, if you say that you don't feel pretty, then many are obliged to say you are to be polite. I am 50, dealing with life-changing injuries from an accident in lockdown, a recent family bereavement and some other issues...I don't feel 'pretty' anymore (more frazzled incompetent wreck), but I don't care either. I think when major events happen, you just feel thankful to be here on planet earth, enjoying life. Looks are not so important with age, and partnerships are founded on mutual interests, friendship and not just looks.

@AliceinBorderland

It's very boring to be with someone who thinks about nothing but their looks all time be it in a positive way or negative way.

I've had men in the past who didn't think much of their looks, low self esteem. Every compliment was brushed off...no I'm not, I'm ugly, etc etc . I genuinely found this guy hot as fuck but he wouldn't accept a single compliment.

Honestly it is just boring in the end.

I agree with this, it is a form self-obsession and that is boring. I'm not the most beautiful person in the world but I am funny, I care fiercely for my family, I'm reasonably clever and can hold an interesting conversation etc a persons looks are usually the least interesting thing about them. If my husband wants to leave me for someone better looking good luck to him because I am a catch.

I know it's boring to constantly deflect compliments... i try not to do that.

It's more the constant thoughts in my head, at any time. My first thought when I wake up is that I hope my boyfriend hasn't seen me asleep.

I don't think it helps that he is much much much better looking than me he definitely could be with someone much prettier.

I know it's not important... if my friend was telling me what I was saying this I would say the same. Looks aren't that important. But to me, I feel like an ugly monster that sticks out in a crowd and people laugh at.

I hate being "skinny"... more than one person has said comments about my boobs. I am short. Often called things like "elfish features", "bug eyes". It's horrible.

@Leicat

Why does being pretty mean so much to you? But tbh big eyes and a small nose are considered’pretty’.

Except when you've experienced people in your life, especially childhood, who used those features as proof that you were some sort of freak because you didn't look the same as them. The last comment I heard was that 'nobody wants to see your weird little cat face pushing up for attention' - in the context of demanding that I waited until everybody else was seated for a funeral before coming in, sat at the back in silence, didn't look at anyone, didn't speak and made myself invisible as otherwise, people (meaning men) would want to talk to me because I was deliberately encouraging them by having a face. Despite having my rather lovely DP beside me holding my hand.

Arseholes, the lot of them.

OP, as somebody much older and having heard all this fucking shit before, it's ALL bollocks meant to make you feel bad about yourself so the other person has power over you. It's just somebody verbally abusing you. And we all know how pathetic abusers are.

Could it help to think that those words aren't yours, they're the echoes of arseholes, like farts in space?