i constantly think about being ugly and I think it's ruining my relationships

[iwantalltheplasticsurgery]

I'm in my mid 20s. I've always thought I was odd-looking; very big eyes, nose too small, mouth to small, very sharp jawline... i could go on. A lot of my younger years I heard that i was "uniquely" pretty. Which I read as being odd-looking.

I think about this constantly. And I mean constantly... I try to avoid mirrors where possible, always in the back of my mind that I need to keep my hair over my ears to hide them. I look like I'm preening myself because of how much I need to arrange myself (if that makes sense).

I confided this in a work colleague when drunk the other week and laughed it off saying "well everyone thinks they're ugly dont they". To which she said "no, not everyone thinks that."

I've been told I'm pretty or beautiful by a range of different people... and I've been called ugly by an ex-boyfriend. Specifically I remember him cheating on me when I was 19 and him saying "yeah she had big tits unlike you" which still plays in my head constantly, despite years of therapy.

Anyway these thoughts in my head are ruining my relationships whenever I feel happy with someone the thought comes into my head that they will cheat because I'm ugly. There are times when my boyfriend will say a certain celebrity is pretty, and it makes me sad. Or times a pretty woman will just walk past us and I just think "she's prettier than me, he fancies her".

I also set "traps". So I was talking about getting lip fillers the other day and he said "well get them if you want, i like your lips though" and it just made me think that I dont look like all the social media women he follows and he's just putting up with me for now. I cant decipher if his behaviour is disrespectful or I am paranoid.

I've had therapies - counselling, CBT, CAT, mindfulness-based therapies, self esteem workshops.

Nothing works.

Please help

@Longtalljosie

Oh love - I was crippled with just this in my 20s. I can honestly say I’m recovered now but it took moving past that stage of my life and - oddly - realising my looks were fading - for it to entirely go. The problem is - ALL discussion of looks feeds this. In my case I was bullied aggressively for being ugly at school. There was a lot of media about “imagined ugliness syndrome” in my 20s which helped - eventually it was just lumped in with general dysmorphia.

Like you, I look unconventional. Like you, I looked at women who are generically pretty and feel they are the ideal. Actually I had plenty of people who told me I was beautiful, all the time, but it wasn’t helpful, it just set off a high which led to a low (does that make sense? I suspect it will).

I’ve married someone who doesn’t really comment on my looks at all - he’ll tell me I look “nice” which at first made me feel very insecure but actually was perfect for me in the long run. For my own daughters, I have no mirrors in their room (there’s one downstairs) and tell the most important thing is to look outwards at the wide, beautiful world, not get trapped looking inwards.

I would advise walking, getting out in nature, learning a musical instrument - anything which removes you completely from the toxic unanswerable question of whether you look good enough. No magazines. Delete Instagram. I have it but I’m in my 40s and mine is all pictures of my friends’ kids so isn’t the black hole others’ is. No Love Island, makeover programmes, supersize v superskinny, nothing that feeds that voice. Good luck. I bet you’re a great friend, a kind person, funny and intelligent. You’re probably great at making cakes too. Go well, and don’t listen to anyone who says this isn’t hard to deal with. It really is x

Great advice here op 💕

Well I was bullied relentlessly for being ‘ugly’ even told I was ugly by my own mother!! I look back at pics and I was stunning, I was scouted to model in my 20s. I still have this bloody ugly filter though, it’s very hard to undo. Like you I used to scarper past mirrors and everything. I refuse to waste any more time on this as now I have health issues and it has put it all in perspective as I don’t know how long I have left. Don’t waste time, enjoy your life and every day counter those thoughts, it takes time though to undo. Also value the things that will be there no matter what as age and illness occur it’s those things that keep you going. Look at the people that keep having cosmetic surgery no matter what.

@Georgewontsleepnow

What do you look for in a man? Do you assess his looks? How handsome, or muscley or toned and tanned he is? Looks don't last.

So why are you focussing on your external to other people.

Relationships that last are based on what a person is like. Are you kind, gentle, generous, fair? And are the men you're attracted to these things. Elevate your thinking!

I’m not sure she’s going to buy that, most people, although granted not all, need to find a partner physically attractive when they start a romantic relationship, this doesn’t mean you don’t also wish them to have a great personality.

Shagging your mate or someone you find physically unattractive isn’t many peoples cup of tea.

You could try watching some YouTube channels like "BornDifferent". Not only will you thank your lucky stars for looking normal, but you might also be inspired by the way these people come to terms with and celebrate their uniqueness.

Be very careful how you feed your mind and soul. Women's magazines, for example, will only make things worse as they make their money out of selling you the idea that you need to spend a fortune to fix all your imaginary deficiencies.

I think the problem lies beneath this really, and this is a symptom, rather than the issue itself. So, if you woke up one morning and your face was suddenly beautiful, you'd start applying the same worries you've got now to the fact that you're too tall/short/lazy/can't cook/rubbish at pub quizzes/some other perceived failing.

I think this is so true.

OP, if someone calls you “bug eyes” as you said upthread, or any other comment, don’t give them the power. Reply “All right, Cindy Crawford/ Mr Universe! We can’t all be perfect like you!” or some other lighthearted thing to make them aware that they are not in a position to criticise you.

I am sorry you have not found therapy helpful, but have you given it your best shot? Sometimes you have to try a few times before you feel the benefit from it. Feelings are not facts, but it can take a long time to really learn this. You have a really fixed idea about yourself - the other option is medication which can sometimes take the edge off these so we can work on what we really think and why.

Thank you for so many replies, I’ve only just had a chance to read them all.

I really really know deep down that looks aren’t that important. I’ve never looked at someone and thought they were ugly. But I do compare myself to everyone unfortunately it’s an impulsive thing I can’t control. When it was “fashionable” to be all over skinny I was overly conscious about my bum... I compared it to everyone’s. my boyfriend caught me looking at other people’s on a night out.

I’ve tried CBT three times with theee different therapists. Didn’t work. Counselling was kind of good while it lasted but not when I went out of that room after the hour... if that makes sense. I grew up with an image obsessed mother, a critical and misogynistic father and a sister who developed anorexia when I was 11.

I know it’s a self obsession... I feel guilty for it. I literally hate my face. I study it for ages after a shower, write lists of all the surgery I want. I think my boyfriend is lying when he calls my beautiful.

My boyfriend is far better looking than me and I can’t help but think people stare when we’re out because we are so poorly matched.

I’ve tried everything, I really have. I can’t imagine ever feeling okay about my looks

Smash the mirror and chuck the notebook, or have a timer where you only allow yourself 5 minutes in front of the mirror?

You need to stop indulging the obsessive thoughts.

Op you’re not listening to people. It’s not about your looks or your arse.

It’s about a deep seated mental health problem, be it jealousy, depression, anxiety, insecurity, whatever, you’re trying to fix the symptom. You need to find the cause and fix that. And the cause is the undiagnosed mental illness.

@iwantalltheplasticsurgery

Thank you for so many replies, I’ve only just had a chance to read them all.

I really really know deep down that looks aren’t that important. I’ve never looked at someone and thought they were ugly. But I do compare myself to everyone unfortunately it’s an impulsive thing I can’t control. When it was “fashionable” to be all over skinny I was overly conscious about my bum... I compared it to everyone’s. my boyfriend caught me looking at other people’s on a night out.

I’ve tried CBT three times with theee different therapists. Didn’t work. Counselling was kind of good while it lasted but not when I went out of that room after the hour... if that makes sense. I grew up with an image obsessed mother, a critical and misogynistic father and a sister who developed anorexia when I was 11.

I know it’s a self obsession... I feel guilty for it. I literally hate my face. I study it for ages after a shower, write lists of all the surgery I want. I think my boyfriend is lying when he calls my beautiful.

My boyfriend is far better looking than me and I can’t help but think people stare when we’re out because we are so poorly matched.

I’ve tried everything, I really have. I can’t imagine ever feeling okay about my looks

Then dump him and go out with somebody who looks like a troll with a hangover but is kind, funny, caring and adores everything about you?

Hi OP
This sounds like Body Dysmorphia Disorder -
Your thoughts behaviours preoccupation and distress all fit
If you have BDD and you’ve had therapy but not treatment specifically for BDD it’s no wonder therapy hasn’t worked
Look up NICE guidelines for BDD
Good dose of prescribed medication - SSRI and treatment for BDD can be effective
It’s quite rare - up to 3% of population so your big standard therapist is unlikely to be very skilled at treating it, so you would need to shop around.

I don’t think anyone should be diagnosing the op, it could also be a form of ocd/intrusive thoughts, due to her obsessive thinking, the op needs to see a doctor.

I grew up with an image obsessed mother, a critical and misogynistic father

This, and you have an ex who criticised your looks (not clear if that was a one-off or he did it regularly).

These toxic people have created a problem that now exists in your head. You have said nothing that suggests you are 'ugly' (and short with elfin features sounds lovely!), and you told us that people, including your bf, tell you that you're pretty / attractive. From which it's reasonable to assume that you may be on the 'prettier' side of average (bearing in mind this is all very subjective, and the idea of attractive changes with fashions).

Even if you weren't conventionally pretty, there is so much more to life than pretty. So very much more. And any good relationship, whilst relying on some level of physical attraction, also relies on much much more. And as you get to know someone, their attractiveness to you is based on loads more than what their face or body looks like. I had a v attractive (on paper) bf once. He turned out to be an arrogant arse and by the end I didn't find him attractive at all. Conversely, some of the 'hottest' people, in my opinion, are not facilally particularly attractive. But their humour / intellect / kind heart are really attractive.

You are currently in a relationship which could be great but your obsessions with your looks is risking spoiling it. When you look at it like that, it seems really shallow to be constantly thinking about how you look. Really self-obsessed (not meaning to be cruel, but that's just how it seems). And to the other person, it could be quite tiring and irritating if that was your main concern.

I agree with all pp, you really ought to get back to some therapy as this is a MH issue, and with help you can hopefully get back to focussing on the important things in life, and in your relationship.

So did your CBT not highlight that ‘studying your face for hours’ and ‘writing lists of all the surgery you want’ will be making this worse?

I find that unusual. Reducing such maintenance behaviours is exactly what CBT for these difficulties should be starting with.

The reason I suspect therapy isn’t working is because it’s not addressing the issue. The issue is not how the op looks. It’s her behaviours, her compulsions and obsessive thoughts, this needs to be properly diagnosed and then that diagnosis treated. She’s never going to recover if the wrong problem is continually addressed.

To add to all the advice you have received here about your obsession, may I ask what you do for a living? Do you have a passion in your life whether it is work or play? I just feel that if you were heavily involved in something which added true meaning to your life then you would have less time to obsess about your looks. It would go further down the list of what is important in life.

I mean, if you were in Africa, working in an orphanage with kids suffering from AIDS or something similar, do you think you would still be obsessing about what is in the mirror??? You really need to get through to yourself that there are far more important things in the world than what iwantalltheplasticsurgery looks like as she walks along the street. Open your mind to things less shallow.

@Bluntness100

I don’t think anyone should be diagnosing the op, it could also be a form of ocd/intrusive thoughts, due to her obsessive thinking, the op needs to see a doctor.

Definitely, OP.

What about an ugly personality? Insecurity, obsessing over looks, seeing "prettiness" as the best thing a woman can hope to achieve, inability to live in the moment or be content with their lot in life.... These things can make person's personality unattractive.

Could you possibly try reframing it that your behaviour is making you less attractive? Confidence is an incredibly attractive trait, but you have none.

I can't help but eye roll at how hard it is to be skinny, when being fat is seen as the worst thing to be, looks wise.

The repeated mention of how much better looking their boyfriends are - how did you land these hot guys? Do you think you scored these blokes with your winning personality or your looks? Why are these cute guys choosing you? Genuinely, why do you think your cute boyfriend wants to be with you?

From your update @iwantalltheplasticsurgery it seems that you need to persevere with your therapy journey, as these are long in-grained thought patterns dating back to your childhood.

If you were in chronic physical pain, you would continue your search for treatment to help alleviate or treat the pain - this is similar and you need to keep trying different therapies/healing modalities until you find something that works for you.

Could you possibly try reframing it that your behaviour is making you less attractive? Confidence is an incredibly attractive trait, but you have none.
In the days when I felt ugly, I heard this a lot: that if you were physically unattractive but had confidence or were nice, people found you more attractive. It made me more depressed, as I was not confident, so I knew I didn't even have that to fall back upon. In my twisted view, I was not just physically unattractive but also evidently had a horrible personality as I wasn't able to "just" fake being fun. Remember the Roald Dahl book "The Twits", in which he writes "A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely." -- I read this and thought that maybe part of my problem was that I had horrible thoughts and it made me look ugly. That's the kind of thoughts you have when you're depressed.

OP's behaviour is due to her mental health issues.

Your self esteem and sense of self-worth really shouldn't be tied so closely to your physical appearance.

Do you really want to have a relationship with someone so shallow he'd dump you the minute someone 'prettier' or with bigger tits comes along? No, of course not.

This is why I mentioned act. Acceptance and commitment therapy. It works on behaviours and challenges self perception and how the critical mind works etc. Please try it op.