i constantly think about being ugly and I think it's ruining my relationships

[iwantalltheplasticsurgery]

I'm in my mid 20s. I've always thought I was odd-looking; very big eyes, nose too small, mouth to small, very sharp jawline... i could go on. A lot of my younger years I heard that i was "uniquely" pretty. Which I read as being odd-looking.

I think about this constantly. And I mean constantly... I try to avoid mirrors where possible, always in the back of my mind that I need to keep my hair over my ears to hide them. I look like I'm preening myself because of how much I need to arrange myself (if that makes sense).

I confided this in a work colleague when drunk the other week and laughed it off saying "well everyone thinks they're ugly dont they". To which she said "no, not everyone thinks that."

I've been told I'm pretty or beautiful by a range of different people... and I've been called ugly by an ex-boyfriend. Specifically I remember him cheating on me when I was 19 and him saying "yeah she had big tits unlike you" which still plays in my head constantly, despite years of therapy.

Anyway these thoughts in my head are ruining my relationships whenever I feel happy with someone the thought comes into my head that they will cheat because I'm ugly. There are times when my boyfriend will say a certain celebrity is pretty, and it makes me sad. Or times a pretty woman will just walk past us and I just think "she's prettier than me, he fancies her".

I also set "traps". So I was talking about getting lip fillers the other day and he said "well get them if you want, i like your lips though" and it just made me think that I dont look like all the social media women he follows and he's just putting up with me for now. I cant decipher if his behaviour is disrespectful or I am paranoid.

I've had therapies - counselling, CBT, CAT, mindfulness-based therapies, self esteem workshops.

Nothing works.

Please help

One of the wonderful things about life is that we're all different, and we all like different things, find different people attractive.

If you're boyfriend thought you were ugly, he wouldn't have got together with you in the first place. But being overtly insecure about your looks is not an attractive attribute in itself.

And whatever you do, don't compare yourself to celebrities in the media. Most of them look look awful in their made up pictures (that are often filtered and cosmetic surgeried to fuck). They look like they're made of plastic.

It sounds as though you are still engaging in behaviours which the CBT should have identified as being counter productive and maintaining the problem.

Did you actually engage in the therapy or did you just turn up? I think a lot of clients underestimate how much work has to take place between the sessions and how collaborative CBT is meant to be.

Did you have a written longitudinal formulation/case conceptualisation showing how early experiences created core beliefs about self/world/others and how those beliefs are reinforced in the present?

If none of that rings any bells I wonder if you had quite a watered down version of CBT? Compassion focused therapy could also be good to have a look at, although without trying to be rude, a lot of clients who are overly concerned with their appearance can kind of grow out of this as they get older.

You need to break the cycle , I heard a talk on mental health last year and you can retrain your brain by immediately switching the negative thought very deliberately to something positive each time it creeps in , and it should disappear and be replaced to a better habit by the time You’ve done this a number of times. It worked for me with an anxious thought. It took a lot of trying but soon becomes a new habit and goes away.

Apart from anything else this seems very self-obsessed so every time your mind goes to it i would try to think something well meaning or kind about someone you care for instead and switch your thinking to outside yourself. It’s important as I have a friend who’s become obsessed with one of her own problems and literally can’t see beyond it, we have always spoken every day but it’s sadly separated us . she is fixated and no longer sees an outside world or that there is anything beyond herself and I don’t know how to help her any more and miss her. We literally felt like sisters and now I haven’t even known how to tell her about a major life change in my own life as she can’t see beyond her own. It’s an easy trap if you let your thoughts get carried away .

Ps I feel for you as can really understand how it happens and it sounds like it must torment you. So really hope you can break the cycle and do believe you can turn it into something more positive. In the example the speaker I heard gave, a lady she helped couldn’t see past an issue she had with her nose and she asked her to switch her thinking to something about herself she did like literally every time the intrusive nose worry came into her head. Keep at it time and time again with determination and it will eventually go even if takes 20 times or more

By your description of your appearance, you sound striking in a positive way. But this is not going to help you, I don't think any reassurances will help, will they?

I think most women go through a time in their teens/20's when they are very preoccupied with their appearance and want to fit in and it is hard when you don't seem to. Coupled with a few silly comments from some (and these may be stemming from jealousy or insecurity on the commenter's behalf) or hurtful, really mean comments by your ex, and they just spurn on this ultra focus.

Some of this intense focus disappears for women given time or with other priorities (children, work etc) , but if it remains and it is causing you disturbance in your day to day life, you need to keep going with therapy - I agree with a PP, it may be a watered down version of CBT you have received in the past. Another thought is there are a lot of free hypnotherapy recordings aimed at confidence and self-acceptance which you could listen to.

In regard to your ex-boyfriend's comments, writing a letter to him and letting him know how much this has hurt you in the past (and then ripping it up)/ Gestalt therapy where you address the person as if they were in the room with you - both are really good at letting go of the past and moving on in the future in a positive way.

Also, please don't put your current boyfriend on a pedestal - he is a person, of no greater or lesser value than you are. He is with you because he loves you, but please don't make the mistake of handing over your power to him in the relationship.

Is your boyfriend supportive? Does he make you feel loved and secure?

Cos I'm seeing stuff about how he is so good looking and him following lots of women on social media, and nothing about him making you feel good.

Now it's not his job to constantly reassure you about your looks, don't get me wrong, but I'm a bit concerned that the relationship doesn't make you feel safe, but the opposite.

And op, when I was your age, I thought I had a lot of physical flaws and didn't appreciate what I had. Looking back at photos, I was very pretty, but I never felt it.

I don't think there's anyone who can convince you you're attractive, but for gods sake, please don't let it hold you back.

Enjoy your body for what it can do for you - the pleasure it can feel, the sensations and strength and flexibility it has - have sex, dance, rockclimb, swim, do martial arts, whatever - be active & physical and in the moment.

This isn’t about how you look op, it’s a mental health issue and exclusively so. You’re not well and need to seek further help so you stop obsessing over your appearance. However if you’ve had a lot of therapy and nothing has worked I am unsure what to suggest, you need a professional not some randoms on mumsnet.

Honestly you sound beautiful

The first step is asking why does being pretty matter so much to you?

And what would it take to re-evaluate your perception of pretty? You have elfin features, people tell you you're pretty and you're dating a very attractive man. These are all indications that you're very pretty.

Those things have never happened to me.
But I feel much happier than you sound. I'm very average looking, squinty small eyes, drooping middle aged jaw and cheeks, and about 10kg overweight.
I'm successful, happy, have lots of friends and good relationships.
Being unpretty hasn't held me back or stopped me from being happy. But I would never fixate on it to this level.

As a pp said I'm not sure strangers on the internet can help you, I'd suggest proper psychotherapy

Firstly, it sounds like you are far from ugly.

Far more importantly, you are worshipping a false god. There will always be those prettier than you, younger than you and will bigger breasts.

You need to find a relationship where someone values you for who you are , not just your looks (and does not follow random ‘babes’ on social media),

Or, take time out from relationships and find what really makes you happy or adds to your self esteem. This could be work success, hobbies or independence.

It sounds like you also need a new therapist if you have not made any progress!

I feel like an ugly monster that sticks out in a crowd and people laugh at

I used to feel like this OP. If a child turned round and stared at me on the bus I knew it was because I was so fucking weird looking.

I was bullied at school for have eyes that were too big, nose too big, lips too big and big hair (thick). Add to that my stepdad used to say how big my nose was. I was bullied quite a lot about how I looked so naturally assumed there was something pretty disturbing about my face.

I’m now 43 with 2 kids and I have to say, although I don’t care so much any more, I do still hate seeing pictures of me. I know my DH loves me and feel very secure with him so my looks aren’t really a concern with him. Deep down I can still feel this big flaw though, that I am hideous. I’ll catch sight of a horrible picture of me and shudder.

I saw my exBFs porn bookmarks when we were together and I was all big boob porn. I am quite flat chested in comparison. I was devastated and so it was another thing wrong with me. My DH doesn’t like big boobs and so it’s not a thing for me any more. I accept that about myself and don’t give it a second thought.

What do you think of Sophie Ellis Bexter? I think she is odd looking yet it doesn’t matter. She’s still successful and confident. I don’t know if you are strange looking or not but maybe it doesn’t matter?

Again, Katie Piper, she’s disfigured yet she’s very confident. Stacey Solomon, she’s not classically pretty but she’s confident and charming and so funny! I remember seeing Katie Piper say about when she went round the makeup counters in Boots she felt people were staring at her, that’s exactly how I used to feel. Like people would be thinking “who does this horror think she is buying make up? Like that’s going to make any difference”. So sad now I think about it.

Advice? Well maybe accept you might always have this dysphoria (if my experience is anything to go by) but that when you feel secure you’ll believe you’re loved and not think they’re secretly thinking you’re hideous or weird looking. Like another poster said, when a negative thought enters your head don’t give it the time of day as it will just make you feel shit. Your BF sounds lovely and said what my DH would say if I was considering surgery. Btw lip fillers look terrible and you will be way more conspicuous with them. I can’t help staring at these people who disfigure themselves. It looks horrible.

@black2black, I can’t believe you’re naming women and putting their looks down, it does sound like yoire still struggling and obsessing over other womens looks too.

Gosh really @Bluntness100? I’m not putting them down at all, I’m saying how their looks don’t matter. Not everyone has to be pretty to be of worth is my point.

The ex boyfriend who cheated and made a nasty comment about your body: that’s a reflection on him, not you.

You seem to think that people who look a certain way are more/less likely to be treated well (or badly) in sexual relationships. That’s just not the case.

Your current boyfriend is behaving in a sexist way if he follows lots of women he doesn’t know on social media for their looks. Again, that reflects on him, not you.

@black2black

Gosh really *@Bluntness100*? I’m not putting them down at all, I’m saying how their looks don’t matter. Not everyone has to be pretty to be of worth is my point.

You called Sophie odd looking, commented that Stacey wasn’t pretty, commented on Katie’s disfigurement. All these women look fantastic.

I have a (IMO physically beautiful!) friend who has some similar issues. She is really successful at work and with friendships, and (relationship decisions aside) is a great mum too, but has had several long-term abusive relationships. Her ‘shark cage’ isn’t strong.

of course abusive - or just ‘run of the mill’ crappy relationships happen to plenty of women with previously great self esteem too!

Whatever you think of yourself, you could practice good ‘self care’ and seeking good treatment from boyfriends (ie what you DO) , and ending relationships if you’re not receiving that.

I agree that it's a mental health issue and you need medical treatment, not more discussion and thought about whether or not you are pretty, as that obsession is what is bothering you. It's a red herring. Your worry about your looks is a manifestation of anxiety/depression/obsession and could have been manifested in various other ways. A treatment that works will enable you to recognise that by quietening the obsessive thoughts and rumination, so that you know they go away with treatment and are thus really a medical issue.
Is your doctor aware of what a total state you are in?

You called Sophie odd looking, commented that Stacey wasn’t pretty, commented on Katie’s disfigurement. All these women look fantastic.

Oh give over Bluntness.There was no "putting down" . The poster was doing the opposite in the context of this discussion, highlighting how attractive they were. I think if any of those women read the comment they would be quite happy.

I suffered years of bullying. I too had issues with mirrors. To the point, I avoided them at all costs. To cut a long story short, I read the list of therapies you'd mentioned but one you haven't mentioned is ACT accept and commitment therapy. It changed my life. I went for it after a girl on the news said she had cbt and the talking therapy several times but they did nothing for her. She tried ACT and it worked. Please don't be put off by the glib title of it. I ended up doing mirror therapy with my counsellor. The good news is that you can get this kind of therapy on the nhs. The bad news is I waited a year for it. If you google your local nhs counselling service, you can refer yourself online without going through your doctor. If you're willing to pay for it, search a bacp qualified counsellor for ACT. What I will say to you is this. You've been believing and living the narrative of what other people think of you. You're literally acting out a few words that the outside world told you are when really that's not who you are. I did this dance too. I had a critical father, an insecure mother top all that with bullying for my red hair and I believed not just my face was hideous, my hair and my entire body. I believed for years that I was something that others wouldn't fancy. Then I grew up into my looks. I am overweight but now I think I have a pretty face and that it looks better than I did in my 20s. I've learned to enhance my features and what suits me. But teenage me would never have believed that. Message me if you want to talk on it more. In time, you will learn that what you think of yourself is more learning to trust your own feelings and what you like about yourself. You will get there. I did! Good luck op.

Try a different cbt therapist who specialises in this area?

I used to feel this way as a teen, I wear glasses and feel ugly with them on, but even when I wore my contacts still was self conscious (used to be fat but lost weight). I only really look ok with make up on but I'm pretty average looking.. also I have a lazy eye.

Now as a 26 year old I don't really care what I look like, I've accepted I will never be a stunning supermodel or as thin as I'd like (but will always hate wearing my glasses!).

My husband is not bad looking and he loves me regardless how fugly I feel, he sees me without makeup and specs and doesn't care. My toddler loves me no matter how I look, we have friends and they don't seem to care.
I've come to realise no matter how you feel, the people who really matter won't care how you look.

So, do you think that ugly people shouldn't have relationships? What do you think if you see a couple in the street and one of them is ugly? Should they not be together?

If these suggestions seem preposterous, ask yourself why you're applying this logic to yourself. Do you want your primary, long term adult relationship to be based on looking pretty? Haven't you got a better chance of meeting someone who loves you on a deeper level if your face isn't this season's 'pretty'? Maybe it's to your advantage?

Ugly isn't really a thing, anyway. Even people with horrific facial disfigurement have people fall in love with them. You're doing that reverse-egotism thing; as if there's something special about your face.

I think the problem lies beneath this really, and this is a symptom, rather than the issue itself. So, if you woke up one morning and your face was suddenly beautiful, you'd start applying the same worries you've got now to the fact that you're too tall/short/lazy/can't cook/rubbish at pub quizzes/some other perceived failing.

It's a manifestation of insecurity, that's all. Why are you insecure? It usually comes from patterns that develop during childhood. Did your parents place a lot of weight on looking good and/or your failings in that department?

Oh love - I was crippled with just this in my 20s. I can honestly say I’m recovered now but it took moving past that stage of my life and - oddly - realising my looks were fading - for it to entirely go. The problem is - ALL discussion of looks feeds this. In my case I was bullied aggressively for being ugly at school. There was a lot of media about “imagined ugliness syndrome” in my 20s which helped - eventually it was just lumped in with general dysmorphia.

Like you, I look unconventional. Like you, I looked at women who are generically pretty and feel they are the ideal. Actually I had plenty of people who told me I was beautiful, all the time, but it wasn’t helpful, it just set off a high which led to a low (does that make sense? I suspect it will).

I’ve married someone who doesn’t really comment on my looks at all - he’ll tell me I look “nice” which at first made me feel very insecure but actually was perfect for me in the long run. For my own daughters, I have no mirrors in their room (there’s one downstairs) and tell the most important thing is to look outwards at the wide, beautiful world, not get trapped looking inwards.

I would advise walking, getting out in nature, learning a musical instrument - anything which removes you completely from the toxic unanswerable question of whether you look good enough. No magazines. Delete Instagram. I have it but I’m in my 40s and mine is all pictures of my friends’ kids so isn’t the black hole others’ is. No Love Island, makeover programmes, supersize v superskinny, nothing that feeds that voice. Good luck. I bet you’re a great friend, a kind person, funny and intelligent. You’re probably great at making cakes too. Go well, and don’t listen to anyone who says this isn’t hard to deal with. It really is x

What do you look for in a man? Do you assess his looks? How handsome, or muscley or toned and tanned he is? Looks don't last.

So why are you focussing on your external to other people.

Relationships that last are based on what a person is like. Are you kind, gentle, generous, fair? And are the men you're attracted to these things. Elevate your thinking!

Being a beautiful woman isn’t a blessing.

We’re conditioned to compare ourselves to an ideal but when you actually take a hard look at those ideals - fame, beauty, etc there are dark sides to them.

The ideal doesn’t exist because it’s something wonderful but because it’s something unattainable that we can compare ourselves to and feel bad.

And that feeling is very important. Abusers know how to elicit it to keep you locked in their power. Advertisers know how to use it to take money out of your pocket.

I have no idea what you really look like Op. I also feel very ugly, more than I really need to, so I sympathise. Beauty doesn’t bring guarantees of love or fidelity.