A switch has flipped and I am ready to end marriage, need advice please

[Pishybreeks]

I have posted many many times before under various names. DH is a functioning alcoholic, though will not admit this himself. I usually post after a binge or crisis, read the (LTB) advice, and then carry on as before. Life can be so good with him. But it hardly ever is anymore. I wont go into how he has treated me in the past. No crisis or major event has happened, just an epiphany that me and the DCs deserve more in life. I am ready to separate.

However, we are in major debt, he has no job, and I only work part time. We are mortgaged and making the repayments just. DC1 is very anxious, and has very little resilience. Though I know splitting up will be good for DCs in the long run, I know this will be a major struggle for them for a while. Also DH will not take it well, he has been suicidal in the past and has threatened to do something if I ever end things (more of a there wouldn't be any point to life than an overt "if you leave I will kill myself"). Also he is very well thought of in our small town/community and I know I will look like an evil witch for breaking up.

Can I please ask for advice on practicalities, financially and for DC emotionally.

Is he able to work?

Is there a reason he can’t work, and you can’t work full time ?
It would help clear the debt and set you free.

No he just is in between jobs. But relies heavily on me in applying for new roles. He did have a "bank" job basically zero hours and was only used as holiday cover, but would regularly refuse shifts so he could drink. He is very personable so tends to do well in interviews but rarely lasts in a job as it doesn't suit him. The grass is always greener.

I'd think the first step would be to look into what benefits you would be entitled to if you were on your own, then get the house on the market, assuming you can't afford it on your own? I think it will be tough but so worth it. You may find your DC's anxiety improves when he is no longer living with an alcoholic!

💐 Someone will come along with some good advice I’m sure, OP. I’m not sure where it will be on the boards but I definitely remember a lady on here in a very similar situation who had DC and left her husband. It worked out well for them all in the end. Wishing you luck and strength.

I am looking for full time at the moment, no extra hours where I work. For my lack of qualifications I have a good job and work is good to me with regards family etc. Wages are better than other roles I apply for so would basically be working longer for not much more money at the end of the month. I think the debt is a red herring, I know without him spending on drinking so much I can pay more toward it. Would I be responsible for all of it though? Credit cards 2 in his name , one in mine.

I bet people will be more sympathetic to you than you think - personable he may be, but people will have seen he's not a great husband.

I'd speak to a professional about your debt and financial situation on your own, and see what the advice is. Maybe selling up and downsizing would be your best option.

You really need to get your house on the market as it doesn't sound like you will be able to afford it and/or increase your income. Do you think he will leave if you separate? Whose name are the debts in?

At this point working out your money is your best bet - what benefits can you receive? Reduce your outgoings? Then you need to talk with him.

Having bee. In your position it is much easier without the drinker in your life. People initially will be surprised, but gradually without you to paper over the cracks they will begin to see the truth.
You are not responsible for his happiness like many alcoholics he feels nothing is his responsibility/fault. But only he can make the decision to stop drink and break the destructive cycle. The suicide threat is designed to play in your emotions and make you stay - the vast majority of the men who make these threats never act on them.
Get your pay into your own account so he can't spend it, get advice, tell him your going and then get on with it.

Is there equity in the house? If you sell it can you clear all your debts and start from scratch?

Is he planning to or likely to get a job? It’s best to divorce when he is working or you will end up paying him. Is he a stay at home dad? That would have implications in divorce too.

I also think a big part of separating will involve you emotionally distancing from him. Not making his problems yours to solve.

@Cloudyzebra

I also think a big part of separating will involve you emotionally distancing from him. Not making his problems yours to solve.

I agree. His threats are not your problem if you are separating, he is responsible for himself. And don’t be concerned about what the community think about you, you are looking to make a better life for you and your DC. I suggest you ring around solicitor’s to see if you can get a free half hour, as they will be able to answer your questions and give advice.

Sounds very like my ex. In all honesty he will probably charm someone else very quickly & she'll take over his 'care'. His decisions are his own & not your responsibility.

I'd strongly recommend getting some therapy (perhaps via your work? Or GP although I appreciate nhs waiting is long).

Don't listen to his threats of suicide. It is manipulation. Also more concerning it is also often a precursor to physical abuse.
I have recently left an emotionally abusive relationship. Me and my little girl are much happier.
Financially it actually sounds like you may be better off. Are you able to cover your mortgage/bills etc? Your bills will go down and you won't be pouring money down the drain on his drinking

Look into what universal credit you can have. You are already living as a single parent anyway if he isn't earning anything and you will survive and thrive without him. Your costs will go down, and no spending on alcohol.

I'm not sure how debt works in a marriage, but I have a credit card (in my name only currently) and when I go to apply for an additional cardholder for my DP, there are big warnings ""this person will not be an account holder; you will be fully liable for any spending on this card". So don't take me at this, but credit card debt may be you are liable for yours, and he for his.

I'm sorry for everything you've been through and I'm glad the switch has flipped - you and your DC deserve more. If money is tight, and counselling for your DC is out the question, maybe a couple of age-appropriate books on anxiety and mindfulness and how to manage it? As another PP said, I'm sure his anxiety will settle (long-term) once he's no longer living with an alcoholic. That has a terrible effect on the brain, all the walking on eggshells and never knowing what's going to happen next, will they be in a jolly mood or an angry one.... Classic anxiety.

Have a look on the benefits calculator and you'll be able to find out how much you can claim as a single parent. You may even be able to keep the house as they will help pay a % of the interest on your mortgage after a period of time too.

As others have said, you need to start distancing yourself. He's a grown man so can sort his own issues out, apply for jobs on his own etc etc. threats of suicide are his weapon to keep you in line, if he threatens it, call the police. His biggest and most important relationship at this moment is with alcohol, not you or your dc. This won't change unless he wants it to, and that will take a lot of time and effort. Also not your problem

Speak to school. They will probably be able to offer DC emotional support.

Apply for universal credit ASAP, it's amazing help. Citizens advice may also be good.

As a daughter of a now deceased alcoholic I would say run. I know I shouldn’t but to this day I resent my other parent for never leaving. My younger sibling is very damaged by the alcoholism as am I.

My parent was similar to your husband. Well respected - loved even. Big personality. But my living parent carried them - just go don’t look back.

You need to work out what’s available financially to you and your kids. Don’t hang around though. Alcoholism is insidious. My younger sibling is most definitely an alcoholic it’s so incredibly sad to see. As a parent you must take responsibility and get the children away from his toxic behaviour.

If you can afford it, the best thing I did was see a solicitor. She cut through everything and took all of the emotion out of it. Told me how it would pan out financially, and had an excellent grasp of the benefits I would be able to claim too. I found every well-meaning friend had different advice but her advice told me exactly what to do and what to expect. I also felt quite empowered, like I'd taken the first step and he'd know I meant business.

I paid £250 per hour and was there two hours.

I honestly think she saved me that tenfold and that it was money well spent but if it's not an option I agree with pp - calculate your benefit and cm, get a house valuation.

Regarding the credit card debt - it will go into the pool when you divide up the assets and will form part of the negotiation.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I think you are right about DCs anxiety and leaving being a positive for it long term. I feel very muddled this morning. Half positive and inspired but worried too. Also, I know I will struggle emotionally I have a very "what if" mind that imagines things improving ( I know they won't inreality) and we have had and do have very connected moments. I know I will grieve for the love I am losing, sorry for the melodrama, and any typos, walking to work. Not sure how much use I will be today.

It doesn’t matter what people think and to be honest, everyone’s got their own stuff to deal with they won’t be focusing on yours. You have to do what’s right for you. You could move to a new town and get a new start?

I haven’t got any advice but just wanted to say well done OP you are being very strong and resilient - you can do this!

All your financials (pensions, equity, savings and debt) are considered to be part of marital pot and will get split. There are exceptions to this. Largely where the capital or debt is considered to have never been part of the marriage. For example gambling debts can be excluded and attributed to the person who ran them up. If you can evidence a large proportion of debt is spent on alcohol for himself then it would be something.

You will most likely get a larger proportion of the capital than him if the children live with you. Once they hit 18 this will be a diminishing factor in you right to a bigger share as the resident parent. The longer you wait to divorce the more likely you will be to get a 50:50 split. The sooner you start again on your own the sooner you will be financially secure.

He is destroying his mind and body himself. Nothing will change that unless he stops drinking. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do. That is inevitable. His drinking is causing his depression and his decline.

Bottom line is you cannot help him or change his trajectory. All you can do is help you and your children.