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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A switch has flipped and I am ready to end marriage, need advice please

52 replies

Pishybreeks · 20/10/2021 07:04

I have posted many many times before under various names. DH is a functioning alcoholic, though will not admit this himself. I usually post after a binge or crisis, read the (LTB) advice, and then carry on as before. Life can be so good with him. But it hardly ever is anymore. I wont go into how he has treated me in the past. No crisis or major event has happened, just an epiphany that me and the DCs deserve more in life. I am ready to separate.

However, we are in major debt, he has no job, and I only work part time. We are mortgaged and making the repayments just. DC1 is very anxious, and has very little resilience. Though I know splitting up will be good for DCs in the long run, I know this will be a major struggle for them for a while. Also DH will not take it well, he has been suicidal in the past and has threatened to do something if I ever end things (more of a there wouldn't be any point to life than an overt "if you leave I will kill myself"). Also he is very well thought of in our small town/community and I know I will look like an evil witch for breaking up.

Can I please ask for advice on practicalities, financially and for DC emotionally.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 20/10/2021 11:37

@TrueRefuge

I'm not sure how debt works in a marriage, but I have a credit card (in my name only currently) and when I go to apply for an additional cardholder for my DP, there are big warnings ""this person will not be an account holder; you will be fully liable for any spending on this card". So don't take me at this, but credit card debt may be you are liable for yours, and he for his.

I'm sorry for everything you've been through and I'm glad the switch has flipped - you and your DC deserve more. If money is tight, and counselling for your DC is out the question, maybe a couple of age-appropriate books on anxiety and mindfulness and how to manage it? As another PP said, I'm sure his anxiety will settle (long-term) once he's no longer living with an alcoholic. That has a terrible effect on the brain, all the walking on eggshells and never knowing what's going to happen next, will they be in a jolly mood or an angry one.... Classic anxiety.

The treatment of debts and assets in a divorce is not the same as which parties have liability to the lender for those debts or which parties have ownership of a property. The bank can only take action against you for the debt on your credit card account whether you or your DP rack it up. In the same way that a house solely in one of a mlarried couples name can be sold or remortgaged or renovated by that person without them needing agreement from their DH/DW. The marital assets and debts are considered joint specifically in the event of a divorce. It's not as simple though as the court will consider all debts and assets to be joint no matter whose name is on them, but there is a distinct possibility that the credit card debts will be considered to be joint in the case of a divorce.
Original poster
Pishybreeks · 20/10/2021 12:33

He is refusing to leave the house. He has family he can stay with but doesn't want to go. Going from bitter and angry to promising to change in the next

OP posts:
fedup078 · 20/10/2021 13:17

@Pishybreeks sounds like my ex
He left eventually
He's not willing to change

bouncydog · 20/10/2021 14:06

I would move forward with your plans and get advice as previous posters have stated. Promising to change requires demonstration - signing up to AA and going to daily meetings, seeking help from his GP, looking for a job etc. If he's not prepared to start the process then you have your answer - he won't change.

LemonTT · 20/10/2021 14:53

You will have to plough your own furrow here OP.

You want a divorce. There is no trying again. Start the process. Separate your finances and start claiming benefits. See a solicitor about whether it is possible to get an occupation order. Otherwise he will stay until you complete the divorce process or he realises he should leave.

Get some counselling to support you through this process because you are already wavering and finding excuses to stay as it is.

Original poster
Pishybreeks · 20/10/2021 15:59

I am wavering you are right. Planning on talking to my mum and dad tonight to give me a bit of back-up. Always kept quiet before and hid a lot from family but my dad is quite insightful and keeps his own counsel xx

OP posts:
PurpleFresias · 20/10/2021 16:10

Good idea to tell close friends and family irl @Pishybreeks. It makes it real and they can support you while you go through the separation etc. Been there, done that, life is soooo much better out the other side

pilates · 20/10/2021 16:17

Have you got much equity in your house? Would it be enough to buy a smaller property?

Original poster
Pishybreeks · 20/10/2021 17:14

There is equity but its a small 3 bed terraced house so not much scope for downsizing. I would have to move to a "bad" area . I think we will have to sell and move though until we (me and DCs) are on our feet.

OP posts:
fourminutestosavetheworld · 20/10/2021 18:57

I wouldn't assume that you'll have to sell. The courts prioritise need and their first priority is adequately housing the children.

If you have spare bedrooms then selling would be fair but, in the circumstances, would you be able to find somewhere with enough bedrooms in the school catchment area for significantly cheaper monthly cost? If not, it makes financial sense to stay put for a specified amount of time.

They will also want to see your dh housed adequately too but he has the potential to earn a full time wage and rent or house share until his share of the equity can be released.

Honestly, just let all of this sink in for him. You have planned and prepared somewhat but this is something he needs to come to terms with. Leaving the family home may not be something he has a choice about but it will be miserable while the legal system runs it's course.

Dragongirl10 · 20/10/2021 19:01

Op please try not to sell, all your equity would be eaten up in rent and you may be stuck renting for ever..

prioritise staying anyway you can, plus it will be much less unsettling for Dcs....

PerseverancePays · 21/10/2021 12:12

One of the first things an addict learns is manipulative language to get what he wants. Everything that comes out of your husband’s mouth will be for you not to rock the boat. He sits at home and drinks, sabotages every job so he can drink. He wants you to stay to enable him to carry on drinking.
It’s hard when you genuinely love someone to turn away from them. But you need to block your ears from his pleading that he will change, as you can see he hasn’t changed and is not going to now. He might in the future, maybe, but not now. Right now you need to look after yourself and the children, and he needs to look after his own self- pitying arse.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/10/2021 12:22

Any suicide threats - call police to do a welfare check
Even if he won’t leave the house you can still begin divorce proceedings and claim benefits as a single person. Do this. Also tell people. It will make it more real
Ignore what he is saying and keep going. It’s the best thing for you and the dc. You deserve your life back

Fireflygal · 21/10/2021 12:32

@PerseverancePays, 100% agree with this post.

He is used to you putting up and backing down so that's why he won't leave. Be firm and repetitive..perhaps ask him to go to family so that you and him have space. Find a way to "sell" it to him. Once he is put you will start to heal and can then tackle the practical issues of housing/debts.

If he definitely won't move then I think you have to either move yourself or file for divorce so that there is a process to stop the leaving together situation.

Alcoholics are awful to live with for children and impacts their lives dramatically. For their sake, get him to leave so that home feels more stable.

Ijsbear · 21/10/2021 19:59

It's true, life is way better for kids without a drinking parent. Way better.

Original poster
Pishybreeks · 22/10/2021 20:37

He is still here. He stopped drinking for a night (but had alcohol free beer) but is planning to drink again tonight. He called me a moaning faced fuck for asking him not to drink , luckily kids weren't in at the time. Problem is he has told dcs that mum is throwing him out if he can't stop drinking, so when he didn't drink they thought all was fine (it wasnt, it's been awful) but now he has bought cans tonight dc1 is distraught. Dc1 has football training so calmed down enough to go but very worried about later.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 22/10/2021 20:40

@Pishybreeks
Is there any chance you can temporarily move in with your parents?
Please don't let your dc see anymore of this
I grew up with a parent like this and then I married one too . It's really damaging

Original poster
Pishybreeks · 22/10/2021 22:00

I think we will have to, it's the only way things will move on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pishybreeks · 22/10/2021 22:02

It's a horrible atmosphere, even when I stay out of his way, he genuinely thinks it is not affecting our DCs, he's in denial.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 23/10/2021 16:30

I really feel for you OP and know this is not an easy journey. But it is a journey for you and the kids. Accept that he has decided he isn’t coming along.

Do you feel able to take some positive steps. It might be a good time to speak to women’s aid. Explain the living situation and be honest. He’s a drunk and there are no happy pleasant drunks. He will be angry and moody towards you and the children. That’s abuse and that will secure you an occupation order.

You also need to cut him off from family money as soon as you feel up to it.

Do you think you can take a step forward even if it doesn’t get him out of the house immediately.

JustKittenAround · 23/10/2021 19:58

Sweet lady booze is his priority, you’re just the appliance in the way of him spending time with his real love.

These types get very ugly very fast. He’s a weight around your neck.

Trust me that people don’t think he’s all that great. He a jobless drunk, you can’t hide that for long.

Please get away from him. He could get super drunk and get REALLY bad. Because it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.

Addicts are usually unable to take accountability for their own mistakes and actions. They blame everyone and everything for their situation because doing that allows them to abuse their vice.

It’s scary to think someone like that giving themselves a free pass to act horribly because it will never be their fault. Always yours…

BrilloPaddy · 23/10/2021 20:01

If you get on well with his family, can you ask them to take him in to give you and the kids a break from his drinking?

dudsville · 23/10/2021 20:04

My ex threatened suicide twice when we were in the process of separating. It's such a mean thing to do to someone that I got angry the second time. I said I would tell his boss. I know this isn't always a practical solution but he worked for a small close knit firm at the time and his boss would have helped. With yours can you tell his best friend or a family member? His GP? Basically don't keep that to yourself, it's not fair.

RandomMess · 23/10/2021 20:04

Go stay with your parents for a half term break. Speak to national domestic violence about the threshold for an occupation order.

You need to end it, end his access to money that you need for the DC.

Thanks
Moonface123 · 23/10/2021 20:58

Some very good advice on here.
I personally don't know of anyone who left their alcoholic partner and regretted it. Yes there will be some turbulance, that will be temporary, then you will never look back. A much healthier future for you and your children.

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