Living with narcissistic DH

[SuperbFoolish]

So, I've finally figured it all out and can see my DH for who he is. After years of gas lighting, manipulation, cheating, baiting, love bombing, I've realised what's going on and why I've never been happy with him.

My relatives, everyone, thinks he's a great guy, and he puts on such an act when we're around other people, that they don't have any reason to think otherwise. You've got such a great husband' You're the perfect couple' He's such a wonderful dad' and I've been left feeling mean and selfish inside for ever even thinking badly about him. I've never said a word to anyone.

Of course I want to divorce him, but we have two kids. He is a good, attentive dad who does his fair share of all household stuff and childcare. He reads bedtime stories, builds legos, makes pancakes for breakfast, cleans poo off the floor, mops up sick and all the rest. Can't complain.

But.. He has a nasty streak with the kids too. Overly critical, devalues, doesnt respect their feelings, punishes too harshly.. But because he is so great on the outside no one would ever believe me he's this nasty person. He would get 50% custody, and I can't do that. At least when he's here in the house I can jump in and stop the situation if it goes too far, or talk things through with the kids and console them.

Anyone else Bern in this situation? How do I live with him. Even this past week I've spotted his effort to manipulate me in every single conversation we've had, and I've called him up on them. He hates it. Shouts at me that I'm arrogant, on my high horse, think that I'm better than him..

He's a very clever narcissist. Goes out of his way to help others, shows gratitude, polite, well spoken. But with me he uses my vulnerabilities against me when it suits him, lies, ridicules my interests and devalues them. I'm studying a masters degree and it gets called 'a vanity project'. Outward support. Inward shit..

My ex is exactly the same.
This playing the pity card when they've been the one to cause the split (if not actually action the split) - it was starting to get to me because of the injustice of it all. Then I thought to myself that I don't know for sure what's going on in other people's minds and if people want to judge me without asking me, then that's their problem, not mine.

Not the same extent as Lena's, but a friend has a narcissist that went for and got 50/50, then claimed all sorts against her. He wanted a divorce, he cheated, he didn't want to try again and yet he was furious at her and tried his best to destroy her. It's 2 years later and he still causes issues and he still has 50/50, but she is glad they're no longer together. I think people like to say he won't want or get 50/50, but some narcissists will go for it just to punish you.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

Not the same extent as Lena's, but a friend has a narcissist that went for and got 50/50, then claimed all sorts against her. He wanted a divorce, he cheated, he didn't want to try again and yet he was furious at her and tried his best to destroy her. It's 2 years later and he still causes issues and he still has 50/50, but she is glad they're no longer together. I think people like to say he won't want or get 50/50, but some narcissists will go for it just to punish you.

Exactly

Does anyone have good coping strategies for when friends and family defend the narc?

1. You tell them nothing, the less they know, the less they judge you, no point trying to convince anyone he is nasty, when they can only see the charming “nature” of the narcissist.

2. you reduce contact if they side with him, because when they do… they put you and the children at risk. I had to keep my distance from mutual friends and keep my family in the dark… because the “updates” they were providing to my ex, all with the best intentions, made DS and my life more miserable: if we were happy he would do something to spoilt it (like going telling tales to my new boyfriend, stopping maintenance or even sitting in his car outside of my house every bloody morning checking if he saw a man coming out, obviously not because he cared about me but because he thought he could get a higher percentage of the assets if I had a man around… if DS and I were going through a bad patch, like me going into hospital or the boiler stopping working, he would use that as an argument in court to get DS removed from my care.

Silence is your best friend when dealing with a narcissist, apart of appearing boring and uninteresting which is the main way out.

I know this is an old thread but I'm in this situation at the moment. Feeling all the feelings about it as the penny has finally dropped after years of thinking it was normal.

I'm feeling a lot of fear and wondering if there is any hope. I don't know if this is a factor but I have ADHD and maybe my feelings are heightened as you all sound a lot calmer about it than I feel. I have a DS and feel like I've been a terrible mum is relation to DH narc behaviour and my corresponding behaviour and in having a child with him at all. At the moment I'm struggling with the idea that it'll never end because of our child. If anyone has a positive slant to keep me going it would be much appreciated.

Sorry you're going through this.
I'd forgotten about this thread, but I can tell you where i am now.

We've been divorced for 3 years now. It was absolutely 100% the best decision. The abuse has not stopped (it has escalated at times), but at least its not every day anymore and i can choose to not engage with him if i dont want to.

The dc are much much better now as well. I am a better parent because i am not under constant psychological pressure and manipulation and I am actually thriving socially and professionally. At home dc and i have fun, laugh and have our own little routines. We can talk about anything and theres no one here muddying the waters. I have a side business as well as a career and have bought myself a brand new car and I drive whereever I want, which was something i was always very nervous about.

Getting out is hard but it is for the best. Children need a mum who is healthy in mind and body and that protects them far more than living in a 2 parent household.

What made you decide to leave in the end?

Well done, btw. I wish my mother had had your strength. Every time she'd not want to go along with any of my father's hair-brained schemes, he'd threaten to leave so she'd capitulate.

My childhood and that of my two brother's was destroyed. Both my brothers have ended up with serious health problems - my younger brother had a heart attack at 30. Luckily he survived. We are all still dealing with the consequences of my mother's failure to be a responsible parent 40 years later.

Well he actually filed for divorce in the end and moved out. It was gradual, but i just couldn't face being intimate with him any more, started sleeping in my dc's room and started demanding accountability. In the end it was too much for him so he declared me crazy, made a profile on tinder and started going out to gigs and clubs and meeting women.

He also demanded a 50/50 with dc which he got, but it only lasted for 6 months before the daily grind of it was too much and he asked me to have them full time temporarily, which became permanent.

He still causes mayhem and trouble, but he also has a new girlfriend and lots of trips, nights out etc to keep him busy. Im not dating at all and not sure if I can put myself through another man again. But im happy. So good to be free.

I recognise this exactly, my marriage was just like this. I left four years ago and have been through a bitter divorce. They call you the ‘protective parent’ and it is so hard to know how to be most protective in this situation. I was blessed that my ex disappeared, saying he’d fight a bitter custody battle if I didn’t give him the majority of the money— so I did.

Mine is also as you describe @SuperbFoolish I'm really struggling at the moment as this is the longest separation I've managed. No sleep last night, nervous system overload in realising it's not what I thought. There's an added dimension of he has a certain amount of celebrity, seems incredibly glamorous from the outside but my life has shrunk exponentially. I feel scared because I don't think I've seen what he's fully capable of yet and with ADHD I've got quite reactive in the past giving him more ammo. There's that thing of feeling a disconnect between what's been said and how it feels a bit off, but you have no idea what's going on in the moment. It's gruesome. I haven't worked for 8 years, and am an older mum and am scared about how to move forward. Something particularly awful happened when he refused to take me to hospital when it was obviously serious then doubled down on the minimising, gaslighting and rage if I tried to get an answer as to what had happened. I genuinely feel naive as I have no idea about divorce and what would happen. I've got nowhere to go if it comes this week and I don't know how I'd survive faking it, I just can't. I fear I'd be pulled back in. Thanks for some hope, I'm hoping I can get my head straight to work out what comes next.

@Pissedoffwithitall1 Sounds genuinely tough. Trust yourself and what is right. If you manage to pull yourself away, life will be much much better for you and your son.

No fear. Thats what i've been telling myself throughout all this. You are going towards something better, everything WILL work out. After my divorce i used to go on long walks and literally imagine i was walking away from my old life towards sunshine. Like i imagined leaving him behind my back. If it resonates, do that. Walk towards brighter future. You can do this ❤️

Let him be glamourous. Freedom feels better than any bling. Im in my 40s too and its a perfect time to reclaim your life on your own terms if you ask me.

Thanks so much and all the best with your new life, it's sounds blissful.

i was in this thread years ago, I think you did like one of my posts today. I don’t have much to add but just wanted to say… stop blaming the ADHD for your reactions, if anything, living with a narcissist will make the classic ADHD hypervigilance more accute. I have ADHD and so does my child, the trauma we both got out of walking on eggshells being afraid of exH next move is something we may probably carry for the rest of our lives so I would say get out of there before you get worse.

With ADHD you need to have a routine, less stress, good food and restful sleep to keep it under control. I bet you are having not much of any of these if you are living in survival mode.