6 days in refuge and feeling like my world has ended

[BrokenSoul2021]

Hello, I'm currently in a women's refuge with my 2 children. I didn't realise how hard it was actually going to be leaving my abuser. Him and our relationship is all I've known since I was 15 years old. He was controlling, abusive, manipulating, violent, angry, narcissistic just very very hard to live with.

Last year we split up for 4 months and whilst I enjoyed my freedom I also didn't know how to handle being free to do what I wanted when I wanted and we got back together. During those 4 months I slept with somebody else, I did tell him before we started out relationship back up just so it was in the open. We weren't together however he said I cheated so often in the last 11 months of being back together the arguments are always based on me cheating. I just took it and took it, all the horrible names, words, the pushes and shoves, the fact I couldn't have a phone or leave the house without him because I loved him. I must add at this point out relationship has been like this for years before the 'cheating'

Last week again it kicked off again it can be a tiny little discussion that causes him to flip if something is said he doesn't like or if I say something out of turn for instance. It was a small matter that quickly escalated into a whole 'was he better than me' 'did you shag him more than once ' 'you don't love me'. He ended up cornering me in the living room and smashing our glass door pane, our son got in the middle to try and separate us (he's 5) and that was the last straw for me.

I waited for him to take himself upstairs, got on my daughters tablet and got the police on live chat, they removed him immediately and although I had a bruised back and arms I didn't want to press and charges. I left the next day to a refuge but I'm missing home so badly. Missing him, why do I miss him? why do I even care about him? I just can't understand why I don't feel elated to be free.

I have no advice but you and your kids are safe thanks to you. Leaving was the right thing to do. Stay strong.

Do you have any real life support?

I have got back in contact with one friend, not any family or anything. The damage was done to my relationship with everybody because of him, I wasn't allowed to have contact with anybody at all. X

Think of it as though you are addicted to him. He is really really bad for you but he is what you know. You need to wean yourself off him and that will take a lot of time.

What you have done is put your children and yourself first! Of course you will miss him, but not the real him. The version of him that you held in your mind to protect yourself. Try and write down how you felt that day you decided to leave. Keep looking at it. It will get easier and you all have the rest of your lives to look forward to. Be kind to yourself.

Well done. You did it. You’re stronger than you know. You did this to protect your 5 year old. What if he’d been raging and he’d got in the middle and got hurt? You’re out. You can do this. I believe in you. We are all here to help you through this.

The trouble is if you go back you risk losing your kids for failing to protect them so surely you know you can’t go back?

You miss him because he's manipulated you into feeling like you can't cope without him. What you feel isn't love it's trauma.
Frankly though whatever you feel or don't feel for him is irrelevant. You have children so you have to stay away. If you go back, you'll very likely lose them, but not until they've been messed up in the heads even more than they already are. Work through your own feelings - they will pass - and the refuge will help with that. But you're staying away for your children.

Think of your 5 year old coming between you that day. What do you want him to remember? You never want him to see that again.

Please try to talk to someone to help you stay strong. Your children will thank you for your strength one day.
He will never change.

Your child could have been killed by smashed glass.
Press charges.
Talk to the refuge people.
Don't go back.

Well done for acting to protect yourself and your children. It is a really hard thing for you to do. You may love him, but it is clear from his behaviour and what he has done, he does not love you. You deserve better and most importantly, so do your children. If you let him back into your lives, you will be prioritising him and your relationship over the welfare of your children. The emotional impact of his abuse can really harm them and your job is to protect them from further jarm. You have taken the first step and though difficult, you must try to stay strong. Use all the help you can get from local help, Women's Aid etc. You know if you return, even though things may be more familiar, nothing will change and you will experience more abuse (and abuse of your children). Give consideration to pressing charges, it would give bim a clear message you have ended things and would be a first step for you taking control. It may feeldifficult at the moment, but it was difficult being in the relationship. He has controlled you and affected your self esteem but this is your chance to take control to create a better life for you and your children. Good luck and best wishes for a safe, happy future

You have done the hard part... it will be difficult to learn to live without the drama the fear the second guessing etc

See it as I'm learning another way of life
It takes time, be easy on your self. You won't be in a refuge forever. One day soon I promise you'll look back and I think I did it and you will feel proud. Sit tight and know you did the right thing

You miss him because -
He has isolated you from your friends and family so you are dependent on him
He is all you have ever known since you were a child
He tricked you into believing that he loved you once and your brain wants to feel like that again
He is an abuser and has eroded all your confidence and self worth and self esteem and made you think that this is normal, this is all you deserve and this is what relationships are like, even though you know that it's not true.

You have done the right thing and the things you are feeling are completely normal. You should be so proud of yourself, your son has got a good chance of growing up now and being able to form secure loving relationships because you have removed him from this toxic environment

It doesn’t matter that you miss him, it doesn’t matter if you love him.
What matters is that your 5yr old is never put in that position again.
It’s harsh to hear but it’s what’s in the forefront of the professionals minds, and what should be in the front of yours. You have a duty to protect and will have the spotlight of social services on you if you go back.
The suggestion of thinking of it as an addiction is a really good one, and counselling can help you explore this. Also explore some protective civil proceedings with the refuge staff or an IDVA.
Hopefully the case will go to Marac.

I read that "An addiction to a toxic partner is actually strengthend by their mistreatment of us. "
It's like a form of trauma bonding.
There is a good piece written on Thought Catalogue, titled Toxic Partners, that explains why victims have an irrational compulsion to go back to their abuser. You literally have to go cold Turkey to wean yourself off.
I would try and think of all the positives for you and your children without having this toxic person in your life, and know that further on down the line these feelings will no longer exist, they are only temporary and will pass. Have faith in yourself you can do this. Goodluck.

He's is just a habit you have to break!

Honestly the pain is hell right now, that ache in your chest, the rush of memories that flood through your mind , the physical strength it takes not to pick up the phone and call him, how quickly you forget the upset hurt and anger cause your alone with your children in a place you don't know but although it doesn't feel like it but in a matter of weeks you will start feeling strong and so proud of yourself for taking care of your children and putting yourself and your children first !

Please stay strong this is the hardest part but it is not a permanent state

freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

Can you look into starting the Freedom Programme, OP? I'm sure the refuge will direct you to it, and it will be so helpful in understanding what has happened to you and why you feel this way, as well as dealing with the impact of witnessing domestic abuse on children.

You should be proud of yourself for leaving, but remember that your abuser spent a long time manipulating you into feeling like you need him to function and driving a wedge between you and all your support systems, so it's not surprising you feel the way you do. He's probably counting on it and waiting for you to come crawling back to him like you did last time.

Stay strong.

You're all right. I am being silly even giving him a second thought but it's just hard right now in this moment. It's harder because the kids are asking for him, why can't they see him, why hasn't he phoned them.

Of course I'm not going back, this was a huge step for me I wouldn't want my son to end up doing this to a woman or my daughter accepting this life for herself.

The case has gone to marec and I'm high risk scoring 15 points.

I live in an area where demand for council housing is high so they estimate up to 18 months I'll be here.

You don't love him. You are just weak, obsessed, and dependent (meant kindly). You have to be strong. Think of your DC who will be seriously messed up if you give in.

Its not an addiction, its your abuser being in your face so you can't see or think of anything else.
Think of it as being like sitting right in front of the TV with the volume up and the programme is your abuser shouting at you. Its all you can see and hear,
If you can move back away from the screen, you'll see that the further you move away, the more of your surroundings you can see, and he becomes less significant.

Have you asked the refuge for help regarding what to tell your kids? I bet they've fairly experienced at helping people navigate that obstacle.

Read about co-dependency.

Also even the most abused DC that endured just the most imaginable things still love and want their parents and their approval. It's become the same for you.

Take care, dig deep, stay strong

Hi Op firstly well done for leaving I bet that was tough as you say from the age of 15 he is all you have know and over time has segregated you from loved ones so he could truly work on you. Of course you will have a wobble but everytime you do think of your 5 year olds face that day that motivated you to leave . Your children are worth more than this man and you are worth more it's time to reinvent you find out what you like what you ideal is. Enjoy making your own decisions until one day you can look back and thank yourself for being a great mum and role model to your kids.and also the day you were reborn . Don't take it as gospel that your family ties are cut would writing a letter to your loved ones be easier? Do you want their support ? Would they be supportive it may seem tougher because you have left your home but to many of us this is our safe space but it wasn't yours hun x would starting afresh in a new area or the next town be an option for you ? Would it be useful to write a journal to write a little in every day how amazing would it be to read back and see what you achieved in years to come ? Sorry I've bombarded you with a lot there but just hang in there hun the new house will come yours and the kids safe space will come put your own stamp on it enjoy every beautiful free moment hun xxx

@Moonface123

I read that "An addiction to a toxic partner is actually strengthend by their mistreatment of us. " It's like a form of trauma bonding. There is a good piece written on Thought Catalogue, titled Toxic Partners, that explains why victims have an irrational compulsion to go back to their abuser. You literally have to go cold Turkey to wean yourself off. I would try and think of all the positives for you and your children without having this toxic person in your life, and know that further on down the line these feelings will no longer exist, they are only temporary and will pass. Have faith in yourself you can do this. Goodluck.

My god yes !!

So true

Been there
Been though the shit
It's awful

And then the peace comes over you and you feel normal once again

You should be congratulating yourself many times a day

Stay strong
We are all behind you xxxx

You did so well to get the police and go to the refuge. That's a massive turning point and you need to be proud of that.

But he is all you've known as a relationship, so of course it's going to take time to adjust. He's had you in thrall for so long, and kept you there by all kinds of psychological means.

Can you still press charges? Do you feel strong enough to do so now?