6 days in refuge and feeling like my world has ended

[BrokenSoul2021]

Hello, I'm currently in a women's refuge with my 2 children. I didn't realise how hard it was actually going to be leaving my abuser. Him and our relationship is all I've known since I was 15 years old. He was controlling, abusive, manipulating, violent, angry, narcissistic just very very hard to live with.

Last year we split up for 4 months and whilst I enjoyed my freedom I also didn't know how to handle being free to do what I wanted when I wanted and we got back together. During those 4 months I slept with somebody else, I did tell him before we started out relationship back up just so it was in the open. We weren't together however he said I cheated so often in the last 11 months of being back together the arguments are always based on me cheating. I just took it and took it, all the horrible names, words, the pushes and shoves, the fact I couldn't have a phone or leave the house without him because I loved him. I must add at this point out relationship has been like this for years before the 'cheating'

Last week again it kicked off again it can be a tiny little discussion that causes him to flip if something is said he doesn't like or if I say something out of turn for instance. It was a small matter that quickly escalated into a whole 'was he better than me' 'did you shag him more than once ' 'you don't love me'. He ended up cornering me in the living room and smashing our glass door pane, our son got in the middle to try and separate us (he's 5) and that was the last straw for me.

I waited for him to take himself upstairs, got on my daughters tablet and got the police on live chat, they removed him immediately and although I had a bruised back and arms I didn't want to press and charges. I left the next day to a refuge but I'm missing home so badly. Missing him, why do I miss him? why do I even care about him? I just can't understand why I don't feel elated to be free.

You miss him because he was the only adult in your life after he's separated you from everyone else. That is precisely why abusers isolate their victims.

So try to be patient and set yourself the task of rebuilding your social network.

As for the children, we told my granddaughter that her father has an anger sickness and then let her talk about him as much as she wanted.

Good luck

You need family support if there’s a chance you can reconnect with them again? You said the relationship caused you to be alienated, so I bet your family will be glad to help you through this (providing of course there isn’t any other issues you have with your family). It must be difficult for you to deal with this pretty much on your own.

surely pressing charges would only land him a slap on the wrist and him the chance to try and twist the court into believing I am sick in the head? I do think I should but I just think the consequences wouldn't be severe enough for him to actually open his eyes to his behaviour.

I will speak to the staff here tomorrow about having a conversation with the children.

I don't want to trouble my family with all of this which is why I'm choosing to keep them out of it. In an ideal world they would open their arms and tell me it's going to be ok but usually more drama follows and they then try to take control of my life (that's what happened when I reached out Last year).

Thank you for all of your supportive messages, I know I can't go back. why can't people like this seem to ever change their behaviours?

Those feelings of missing him and 'home' are completely normal once you walk away - you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel this way! Of course being in a refuge is going to feel alien to you, and yes change IS scary! BUT... in order to move forward you have to sometimes step back and into the unknown. Where you are now is not forever, but for the safety of you and your children you have done the right thing, and you should be proud of yourself! One day you will be in your own home, where you are safe and you can breathe. Where you are now is just a 'moment' in life you are experiencing! If you went back to him life will never change, and you deserve happiness and most importantly stability and safety! Hang in there... you have got this!!! And you ask "why do I miss him"? - the answer is you have been conditioned for so long to think that environment is home. It's not. Push through the hurt, the anxiety, the sleepless nights, the loss of appetite, the questioning, the self doubt, the fear and keep walking forward because you will be ok - but you won't if you go back! Start trying to rebuild relationships with friends and family (may take time) and start a new. We're all here to offer advice and help along the way. Life isn't always easy but it's in you to break the cycle of abuse and prevent your children experiencing similar relationships in the future. Your going to be fine, you just have to be extra strong right now and fight for what you are worth! xx

It's ok for you to miss him, it's okay for you to feel sad. But you know that the relationship is toxic, and you have to go through the pain of leaving him in order to keep your children free from such a scary and volatile environment.

You just need to get through hour by hour. The 'addiction' as others have described it will wane. We can keep you company. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

The person you miss isn’t who he is, it’s the person he painted himself to be. That person doesn’t exist. You miss the dream that kept you there all these years, but the reality is that person doesn’t exist.
If you’d known him as he is from the start you’d never have stayed. You’re mourning what you thought you had but never did. That’s ok. Take time to grieve, but remember it’s not him you’re grieving for.

And remember, you’re brave and much, much stronger than you imagine x

As a DC who grew up with a father who beat my mother...you need to press charges, focus on your DC when your feeling weak. The damage to DC witnessing this is something you need to protect your DC from. One of my vivid memories is my mother lying in my bunk bed and my father throwing a glass at her and it smashing against the wall. I dont remember any fond memories with him in it.

Sending you so much love 💗

Well done for leaving. The right thing for you and for the kids.

One day you will look back and it will be a distant memory I promise.

Your in the right place. Talk to the women around you and accept all the help and support that you and your kids deserve 💗

@BrokenSoul2021

You will miss home; not him but your familiar surroundings.

I spent 6 months in a refuge; 12 months in temporary housing when I fled DV

These first few weeks are the worst. Try to focus on things you can change / control / make better ..... children's school places, getting a little routine together for you all, try to make friends with people in the refuge if possible (I made the best friends in there and we still regularly meet up now) it does take a while to find your feet there; but it does come.
Looking back we all miss how we became a family in the refuge - we still say it was the best/worst time

Reach out to friends / family - friends will understand and can be a great comfort to you....family; I don't know how they will be - going by your post and they're behaviour previously only you would know, but it may help you.

It’s all so new. It’s all so different. It’s not what you know and are used to. Change is so very scary. Sometimes it feels easier to accept what we know and not change but it never helps for the future.

You’ve done a massive thing. Well done you. Of course it’s all weird and feels wrong and you understandably are missing certain comforts of your old home and what you knew. But you are sooooo doing the right thing. You’ve done the hardest thing but you can do this. Well done you.

I’m rooting for you and I don’t even know you. Stay strong and keep looking ahead. My very best wishes to you and a better and brighter future.

Can you get support from people working in the refuge?

I remember reading something ages ago that said women often return four times before they can make the break.
Let’s get practical.
Do you need anything from the house?
Can you be given assistance to get those things? Could someone store some or is there enough room there?

I would really like to volunteer to help people like yourself especially to help get things to set up a new life. To be someone who listens and supports.
Please don’t go back. Your children are witnesses to violence. I have worked with children affected by domestic abuse. It affects children in a family differently. It impacts on their learning and how they react to people.

Stay strong. You deserve better than this and so do your children.

I know I can't possibly miss him the way he was, worrying constantly about what mood he was going to be in, whether I had said a wrong thing or not I just think because it's all I've known it's normal for me. I haven't eaten hardly anything, I feel like I've lost loads of weight already, I can barely sleep. I'm just frustrated for putting up with it so long and also allowing him to treat me this way. Then part of me thinks was it me, did I put him in a mood, did I say something wrong. I feel mentally broken and that's the truth like I just can't take any more of this bad life God has thrown my way.

sorry to be so negative I am trying to stay positive in front of the children just not so much when it's just me awake.

@Redsquirrel5

Can you get support from people working in the refuge?

I remember reading something ages ago that said women often return four times before they can make the break.
Let’s get practical.
Do you need anything from the house?
Can you be given assistance to get those things? Could someone store some or is there enough room there?

I would really like to volunteer to help people like yourself especially to help get things to set up a new life. To be someone who listens and supports.
Please don’t go back. Your children are witnesses to violence. I have worked with children affected by domestic abuse. It affects children in a family differently. It impacts on their learning and how they react to people.

Stay strong. You deserve better than this and so do your children.

No, I don't even need anything from the house. It's just my home, where I felt safe and happy at least some of the time. It's so messed up but it's just the feeling of being in my own environment if that makes sense.

You’ve hit the nail on the head. It’s all you’ve ever known …. So far. But that doesn’t mean it’s all you will ever know in the future. No you didn’t do anything wrong. Fate is not always kind and we have to deal with the hand that we’ve been given.

But you can change the future and you have made the first huge step in doing this. Your future will change from now. It will take time, energy and lots of courage. Take one day at a time and slowly things will change.

Well done. Keep reminding yourself how much you have done. I am thinking of you.

I have escaped DV.
It took me four separate trys.
I think the shock, followed by the numbness followed by the emptiness will haunt me forever and it was always somewhere between the numbness and the emptiness that I would return to him.

I know you are brave. I know you do not want your son to have to safeguard you from his father let alone witness the abuse.

I know you know deep down this relationship is toxic. I hope that somewhere deep down there is a tiny light inside of you that knows you deserve better.

But for now you need to focus on you. And your children. And putting one foot in front of the other until this is all just a horrid memory.

Can I suggest that you buy a notebook or a notes app on your phone and that you start writing how you are feeling down. The good, the bad, the ugly. Lists - what you want to do but haven't been able to , what you wish for your children, what you would like your home you look like, all the times he hurt you.

Can I suggest that you call Parentline for support if you need to vent/get advice/reassurance? Do you have support workers in the refuge? Talk to them.

Can I suggest that you have a think about what you could do to bring you joy - do you read? Do you like music? Start looking into small things that will validate you as a human being and acknowledge that you are worthy of a magazine or a nail polish. It took me a very, very, very long time to feel ok about spending money on myself due to the financial abuse I suffered. Don't underestimate how long these things take to overcome.

I would like you read to your children if you can or play a game with them. Make the refuge as comfortable as you can - can you decorate? Put posters or pictures up? Can you ask them to create a picture for the fridge or your door. All these things help to settle in over time.

When the children are in bed or busy if it's possible listen to the stories of other women - some will seem worse than your abuse but don't let their stories change - or even worse validate - your perception of your experience - abuse is abuse.

Look after yourself. Buy yourself a good multivitamin, get registered at the doctors, get the children seen by the dentist etc. Start to parent your way - it will help your confidence grow.

You do not need him.
You need love, laughter, respect and safety. And so do your children.

Every time you go back you are agreeing to be treated that way. Every time you go back you are telling your children they deserve to live that way too

Be strong XXX

Invalidate your perception of the experience not validate!!

You and your DC have been traumatised for a long time.

It's normal for your feelings to be all over the place.

What he's done to you over the years is like what a cult leader does to indoctrinate and keep people in.

You can Google trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement.

You havent known any different since you were a child-of co9urse it will be difficult for you but you have to look at your children as priority now what would happen to them etc

i wuld still press charges so its on record whatever the judgment is at least its there-espcially when you need laywers for when he goes for access to see the children if theres nothing to show hes dangerous he'll get unsupervised visits

@Moonface123

I read that "An addiction to a toxic partner is actually strengthend by their mistreatment of us. " It's like a form of trauma bonding. There is a good piece written on Thought Catalogue, titled Toxic Partners, that explains why victims have an irrational compulsion to go back to their abuser. You literally have to go cold Turkey to wean yourself off. I would try and think of all the positives for you and your children without having this toxic person in your life, and know that further on down the line these feelings will no longer exist, they are only temporary and will pass. Have faith in yourself you can do this. Goodluck.

You are 100% Correct

I used to scratch my eye brows and pull the hairs out as I was so stressed.
But the worst was leaving my front door slightly open as if I didn’t I was scared he would kick it in.

I don't know why you think it's not worth supporting prosecution by giving a statement. You don't know what the outcome will be. He might be given a community sentence with a requirement to attend a domestic violence perpetrator programme. Does that sound like a slap on the wrist to you? Regardless, the outcome doesn't really matter. The point is that he committed a crime and should be held accountable for that. It will also help you in the long run if there is a clear trail of evidence that he has been abusive.

You HAVE to press charges OP, if you don't he could take your son.
I know how hard it is but I made this mistake and as a result of lack of evidence the judge sent my son back to live with him as they said the house was a better environment than the refuge and there was no evidence of abuse. i went too as there was not way I was leaving DS with him and the violence escalated. When I finally did press charges with new injuries we were free.
I know its terrifying but I've been there. You are not pressing charges from fear, but you must. Your DS needs you.

I think you also need to press charges for any future victims.

https://broxtowewomensproject.org.uk/trauma-bonding/

Congratulations on finding the strength to break free. You are bound to have ups and downs now, the trend will be better and better from now own.