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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is your dh there for breakfast or dinner? or both

56 replies

fio2 · 12/11/2004 07:16

Very very self pitying post.....

but are they there for breakfast or dinner? or both?

do they sometimes take the kids to school/nursery or pick them up?

Do they bath the kids? read to them and put them to bed?

I do all this on my own ALL day every day and it's really getting me down. I have started to think I would be better off on my own. last night me and dh had a row because I wouldnt cook him his dinner even though I hadnt had mine. I went to bed without eating. But suprise suprise he made his own tea bfore coming to bed, even though he wouldnt make us any. \

I am just so fed up and lonely.

I know he is tired but things never seem to change Just wanted to know if everyone else got help like this and am I unreasonable to dream about having that one day?

OP posts:

Titania · 12/11/2004 07:20

my dh leaves at 6.45 so not here for breakfast. Gets home between 4 and 8....but still rarely for tea at the came time as the kids. If he is home in time he will put the kids in bed but thats it. It does get me down, but thats the trouble doing his job.

MistressMary · 12/11/2004 07:28

Ha, I know what you mean.
Partner left at 4.30 this am will probably walk back in the door at 9ish, on site in London today again. Self employed shopfitter. Weekends and all.
No relaxing at home for us. Mind you it does put food on the table he rarely eats at!

I do everything around here, He will do cudddles,play and sooth him sometimes, when he /is/ home. He has never changed a nappy, bathed or fed our boy.
And at top of that we live in a half complete house.
So I'll join you with the self -pity.

marthamoo · 12/11/2004 07:31

Oh poor you, fio - (((hugs))). It's hard work doing it on your own. I'm lucky (mmmmmm) that my dh is "sort of" around for breakfast (I'm up at 5 with ds2, he breezes down at 8.15 and makes himself a coffee and toast but don't get me started on that). And he's usually here for dinner - though if he's on call I can guarantee his bleep will go off the second we sit down to eat. If he's here though he does do bath and bedtime sory (for ds2 at least) and that is a help because I'm walking dead by 6pm!

I think the key issue is resentment. I actually get on better when dh is not here - I just get on with it. It's when he is here and he isn't helping me: he'll be on the PC while I'm trying to cook dinner with two squabbling kids in the background; or he'll stay in bed 'til the last possible minute in the week - sorry, said I wouldn't start on that). Then I start to feel resentful, and I end up yelling at the kids - which is unfair 'cos really I want to be yelling at him.

Oh and my dh never cooks either - and we've had rows when I've been just too tired to cook and he can't be *rsed to do something himself (for both of us).

How are you finding the new area? Didn't you make friends with another Mum (with a posh house ?) It always helps me to get out and have a good bitch about dh with a mate !

Sorry you are feeling so fed up.

Original poster

fio2 · 12/11/2004 07:52

see it is self pitying, because other people do it and cope. maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself too much

moo, I did make friends with another mum (with a posh house) but we only see each other occassionally, her boiy has started secondary school and she is getting a 'life' now whereas i feel stuck in with the kids. plus I am not much company am I, sitting here moaning about my dh when he is working hard.........

you are right it is resentment and it takes the enjoyment out of the kids to a degree because i am always doing everything. then he moans that ds clings to me, which he does,

OP posts:

Titania · 12/11/2004 08:06

no its not........i dont cope.......

hoxtonchick · 12/11/2004 08:11

i think my dp & your dh are the same person marthamoo. i was up at 6:45 with ds this morning, dp is still in bed (8:10), same as every bloody morning. he'll rush down in a blur at about 8:45 then go to work 5 minutes later. drives me mad. we're meant to share the getting up the 2/3 days i work, & he does take ds to nursery mostly, but i have to stand over him to make him get up. grrrrrrrr. AND i'm almost 6 weeks pregnant & knackered.

but i feel a lot better now

sorry, fio, not much help for you.

Frizbe · 12/11/2004 08:17

did any of you see that programe on (was it BBC2) a few months ago, where Mum and Dad swapped for the week, they had 3 daughters of varying age and a baby son, was really funny, day one the Dad thought he had it sussed, by the next coffee morning on the Thursday, he was whinging with the rest of the mothers about how hard life was!!! They should re run that one....

Have to say my DH works very hard from home, and that means although he's about, he's not, sometimes I wish he'd at least be at the office, that way I wouldn't feel I wanted to get him to help but couldn't....it'd also stop him working very late some nights (the joys of your own business)

lockets · 12/11/2004 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

charliecat · 12/11/2004 08:30

I was feeling just like you about 10 days ago I had PMT and seriously thought I might do dp some harm if he didnt get his finger out and help. Hes out from 4-6 am to 6-8 pm and when he is here he does nothing.
I started to think well if you lived on your own you would have to do your own dishes washing etc so I didnt do his clothes...waited 5 days and then asked him to put a load on. It took him 2 days to do it.
I have cooked him 1 meal since then, he doesnt ever cook for us and hes so lazy he will go to bed hungry rather than do something himself and I said to him, If i dies or just get so F*ed off with this I leave you are gonna have to do this (school uniform, scrub the loo etc) so youdd better get some practice in...
He didnt do anything the next day, male pig and all that but has been more genourous with his time since then. And said thank you very much for the 1 meal I did cook. Got to go but will be back later for another rant.
We do just get on with it...and explode with infuriation once a month...we are women not bloody slaves.

Original poster

fio2 · 12/11/2004 08:36

charliecat I have done the not washing thing and it never works. he reckons you just put it in and take it out and you dont actually have to do anything with it?! Oh it is driving me mad atm, ds is sitting here screaming and moaning, house is a pigsty and I just feel so p**d off!

OP posts:

collision · 12/11/2004 09:01

Hugs to you fio as you sound so miserable. I think it is the drudgery of the same routine day in day out. Just the getting the tea together and then sitting with them, putting them to bed, stories etc etc

I wont tell you what my DH does but I am going to give him a big kiss when he gets in and tell him how much I appreciate him.

Dont know what you can do really. Could your Mum come and help and do a couple of nights so you could go out? Could DH pick up a takeaway to give you a break from cooking?

Original poster

fio2 · 12/11/2004 09:03

if we have a takeaway i have to order and fetch it mum lives miles away and doesnt help when she comes......moan moan moan! tell me to shut up and get a life and stopo being so self absorbed!

OP posts:

spacemonkey · 12/11/2004 09:04

sorry to butt in but are you coming to the SN meetup today fio? hope so, am looking forward to meeting you

Original poster

fio2 · 12/11/2004 09:05

anyone remember how i asked MIL to come and help me at half term, but she decided she would look after other grandson instead...well, she looked after their dog! much more important than my kids, but dont get me started on that one!!

OP posts:

Original poster

fio2 · 12/11/2004 09:06

no sm, that is why i am so peeved, i think god this is getting worse!

OP posts:

spacemonkey · 12/11/2004 09:07

is there no way you can come?

Original poster

fio2 · 12/11/2004 09:09

no, I couldnt get ds in nursery and dd had to go to school as she already had 3 days off and it will just take to long. i would just pop my head round corner then have to go. this is why I need my husband to be here 'occassionally'

if i dont stop in a minute I am going to start ranting!

OP posts:

MistressMary · 12/11/2004 09:10

Ouch!
Ask your mum for help!
Do something different.
Get out the house, anything!
Sound like a rut and yes resentment too.
I know that feeling. Like you say it's rubbing it in when they're home not helping than out working.

crunchie · 12/11/2004 09:11

fio2 I can totally relate on the morning thing. It really pisses me off. I get up around 7.30 (OK not to early, but my girls like their sleep) and get myself showered, dressed etc, at the same time as getting my 2 girls sorted. Usually at 8.45 when I am trying to get out the door (he does the school run) He wonders down stairs to put his shoes on!! I work full time and he doesn't yet the majority of the childcare (certainly in the morning) is mine.

If I have to leave early for a meeting or whatever, I still have to do the girls and take the younger to nursery early, just so he can stay in bed!!! In fact I try not to have to do early meetings just to avoid this!

spacemonkey · 12/11/2004 09:11

Bring ds and get someone else to pick dd up from school today?

You can hang out with me and Lou after for a bit, we'll show you a good time!

Original poster

fio2 · 12/11/2004 09:13

I havent got ANYONE to pick dd up from school (well take her off the bus)

I would LOVE to come, but I really cant i really could do with a good time too

OP posts:

spacemonkey · 12/11/2004 09:14

grrr, must do it another time then

luckymum · 12/11/2004 09:21

Hugs to you Fio - you sound really hacked off .

I don't really have any answers - I know how you feel - my hubby worked shifts when the children were little and it always seemed to be me doing the donkey work as he was either at work or asleep (even though I was working myself too). It does get better as they get older. The beginning and end of the day is still a pain but you sort of get your life back in the middle.

You need to 'get out more' - god that sounds awful - but you know what I mean. You were going to do a course at college weren't you? And this sn meet, you sounded like you were really looking forward to it, it would have done you good. Do you think you are losing confidence a bit? Or depressed? Sorry Fio, too many questions and no help ((hugs))

Hulababy · 12/11/2004 09:24

DH is there for both luckily Made easier as he works just 10 minute walk from home.

He and DD have breakfast together most mornings. I'm not into breakfast very much. He also walks Dd to nursery two days a week, and goes to walk from there.

And he is home around 6ish (brings any extra work home to do in evening, like I do) so we all eat together, at the table, at night too. I always cook, but he helps out with other stuff.

DH nearly always does DD's bath time. She doesn't have a bath every night now, but at least every other night. He has always done thid. Either of us take her bed, and do the stories. Probably about 50/50 for that.

Original poster

fio2 · 12/11/2004 09:25

I think i have lost my confidence and I am depressed! god i sound like a headcase

I have a course tommorrow actually..........

the rest start after christmas

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