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Relationships

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Original poster

My daughter is playing dumb in front of her bf

76 replies

miac8 · 19/10/2021 16:26

So I met my 17yo dd's bf yesterday. He seemed perfectly nice and I don't have any problems with him. I didn't meet him for long. However a couple of times my dd was pretending to not know something I'm pretty sure she did and also she was laughing at a few things he said that just weren't funny at all. Also she got really scared about a spider and she is not scared of spiders normally at all and it was really unlike her. I just got the impression she really wasn't being herself around him. I spoke to her about it later and she said that she was trying to make him feel good about himself and that I didn't understand men at all hence why I've been single for 12 years and told me not to give her advice on that. I'm not sure what to do as I really want her to feel like she can be herself and not play up to what she thinks is attractive. Normally I would definitely not get involved and I am generally a very chilled out parent. Obviously she is so young now but I worry this will continue as she gets older and I just want her to know she deserves to be in a relationship where she can be herself. Not sure if I am overthinking this and thinking it is a bigger deal than it is.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 19/10/2021 16:32

I'd have retorted that i knew one thing about men and that was that they dont like dickheads. Seriously op why would you let he talk to you like that?

Original poster

miac8 · 19/10/2021 16:42

@Pinkbonbon

I'd have retorted that i knew one thing about men and that was that they dont like dickheads. Seriously op why would you let he talk to you like that?

I didn't see what good that would really do, and I knew that this was an awkward conversation for her and I would have hated if my mum had a conversation like that with me when I was her age.

OP posts:

Igneo · 19/10/2021 16:46

She knows more about men than you do?
I’d be really worried I hadn’t embedded feminism thoroughly enough if i was you. How to lay it on effectively yet gently enough in the one year or so you have left with her I don’t know.

Pinkbonbon · 19/10/2021 16:50

If you are a pushover for her it arguably makes it seem like that's what she has to be in order to please men.

Boundaries are important. If you have poor boundaries and you are her role model...

In future, a 'don't speak to me that way' would be wise.

That being said, the other stuff, she will learn on her own as time passes.

But a 'I'd rather be myself, single and happy than dating someone I couldn't be myself around for fear they wouldn't like me' wouldn't go miss. Maybe add a 'but whatever, not my circus not my monkeys' on so that she doesn't think you are being controlling about it.

Original poster

miac8 · 19/10/2021 16:50

@Igneo

She knows more about men than you do? I’d be really worried I hadn’t embedded feminism thoroughly enough if i was you. How to lay it on effectively yet gently enough in the one year or so you have left with her I don’t know.

I am really worried about that, I thought I had and I was really surprised at this. I am not sure where this has come from, I feel really bad and worried about it.

OP posts:

MaryBoBary · 19/10/2021 16:51

To be honest I wouldn't have mentioned it. It's fairly normal when your younger, I knew lots of girls that did this but soon grew out of it. As long as she's not making herself unhappy to please him, it's not really an issue.

Paddingtonthebear · 19/10/2021 16:52

She was extremely rude to you. I’d be letting her know today. And that her boyfriend may soon see through her.

ChargingBuck · 19/10/2021 16:53

I didn't understand men at all hence why I've been single for 12 years

ha ha ha ha DD, nice try.
Of course with her mountain of experience - all what - 2 years of it? she is well placed to start an agony aunt column detailing her wisdom on the subject of men & relationships.

You have bigger problems than her acting the twat to validate herself to a man. She's internalised some fairly hefty misogyny somewhere in her life.
Disrespectful to her mother, delusional about male psychology & her own very limited life experience, & well on the way to becoming a shallow & manipulative 'bird'.

How have to got to a place where your DD is so downright rude to you, yet you don't set her straight because you feel that you can't "see what good that would do"?

Igneo · 19/10/2021 16:53

Yeah sometimes they have to learn through experience. Painful to watch!

Paddingtonthebear · 19/10/2021 16:53

You could have a laugh at her pretending to be scared of spiders just for the sake of a man. It’s pretty cringe 😆

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 19/10/2021 16:57

I would probably approach it on the basis of 'do you want to pretend forever?'

If she sees this as a relationship with a person who cares about her and wants to be with HER, then she needs to be real so he can meet her and decide if he likes her warts and all.

SmileyClare · 19/10/2021 16:58

I think it's great you spoke to her about being herself. She probably did take it on board but it was an awkward conversation and she reacted defensively.
From my own experience, it's tough parenting teens. They always want to think they know best. I don't think it would have been helpful to call her a 'dick head". What a strange post!

I think most teens put on an act sometimes in front of their peers or a new boyfriend. It actually takes a lot of confidence to be yourself and stick to what you believe in. Most teenagers haven't really worked out who they are yet and don't feel comfortable in their own skin. They all act like wallys sometimes, they all learn from their many mistakes.

I wouldn't worry too much. It's cringe worthy to listen to her pretending to be a damsel in distress rescued from a spider I imagine but this doesn't mean she's heading for a life time of poor relationships or regards herself as the inferior sex.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 19/10/2021 16:59

You should have replied that you knew men only too damn well and that was the reason you had chosen to be single for 12 years.

Cheeky Madam!

Cuddlemuffin · 19/10/2021 17:00

I wouldn't worry too much, she's just finding her way with relationships. If you feel you need to say something keep it short and sweet, ie. The best relationships care the ones where you can be completely yourself. Then leave it at that x

Regularsizedrudy · 19/10/2021 17:07

I think it’s weird that you mentioned it to her, most likely making her feel embarrassed and self conscious. It’s totally normal to behave a bit out of character when you fancy someone.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 19/10/2021 17:12

I thought I knew it all at 17 too.

She will learn and wisen up in time.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 19/10/2021 17:17

“Honey, of course I know about men. That’s WHY I’ve been single for 12years.”

TreXX · 19/10/2021 17:18

My mother banned magazines targeting teen girls in our house so I wouldn't imbibe this sort of nonsense. I did still read them at school and they were indeed full of "How to please your man" articles. I tried it once or twice but it left me feeling icky. My point is it was just a step on my way to finding my boundaries. Hopefully she'll think about the points you raised in her own time.

DirtyDancing · 19/10/2021 17:19

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

I thought I knew it all at 17 too.

She will learn and wisen up in time.

Exactly what I thought. Plus it's the oldest trick in the book to be all giggly and girly like that. I never did it, but lots of girls seemed to enjoy playing helpless maidens when I was in my teens, and guys seem to like it. Go figure.

JaneDoe21 · 19/10/2021 17:23

She's 17. She knows nothing at that age. Leave her to it, when she's ready for a serious relationship she'll be herself around them.

WTF475878237NC · 19/10/2021 17:26

None of my friends batted eyelashes and dumbed themselves down so I don't think it's the norm for all

She sounds like the type who will fake her orgasms and have shit sex for years too or feel too self conscious to insist on protected sex.

I think I'd keep doing what you can to build her self esteem and reinforce the importance of these issues. Someone in the feminist boards recommended a good book on this for young women the other day. I'll post the link if I can find it.

julieca · 19/10/2021 17:29

She is right that some men like women to play at being helpless and to laugh at stupid jokes. But should we change ourselves to be what men want?
But this is a hard message to get across to a teenager if you haven't already been incalculating feminism. So say your piece, but don't expect immediate changes,

CarrotSticks23 · 19/10/2021 17:32

Meh, she's 17. She'll grow up

I definitely acted as a silly girl in front of my boyfriend as a teenager at first, as did most of the friends. I do think its quite normal to get giggly and laugh at someone you fancies jokes even if their shit. I probably would have just gently teased her on it rather than getting concerned. I'm now a staunch feminist and wouldn't dream of acting like that but I'm glad I was allowed to be a teenager when I was 17.

2bazookas · 19/10/2021 17:34

Its her first BF;' she's experimenting with "how to be a GF".
Sure to be lots of mistakes along the way but it's all experience and she'll work it out.

( My own wasted efforts at that age included ballroom dancing classes, and pretending to like standing in the freezing cold watching him chase balls and cheering on his team ).

Original poster

miac8 · 19/10/2021 17:38

I'm also a bit worried that if she is acting like this and so pleased to please and change herself for a man she might find herself in an abusive relationship? Her bf now seems really nice and not that kinda guy but I am worried in the future, not sure if this is massively ott thinking or not?

OP posts:

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