Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

My daughter is playing dumb in front of her bf

76 replies

miac8 · 19/10/2021 16:26

So I met my 17yo dd's bf yesterday. He seemed perfectly nice and I don't have any problems with him. I didn't meet him for long. However a couple of times my dd was pretending to not know something I'm pretty sure she did and also she was laughing at a few things he said that just weren't funny at all. Also she got really scared about a spider and she is not scared of spiders normally at all and it was really unlike her. I just got the impression she really wasn't being herself around him. I spoke to her about it later and she said that she was trying to make him feel good about himself and that I didn't understand men at all hence why I've been single for 12 years and told me not to give her advice on that. I'm not sure what to do as I really want her to feel like she can be herself and not play up to what she thinks is attractive. Normally I would definitely not get involved and I am generally a very chilled out parent. Obviously she is so young now but I worry this will continue as she gets older and I just want her to know she deserves to be in a relationship where she can be herself. Not sure if I am overthinking this and thinking it is a bigger deal than it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

miac8 · 19/10/2021 19:30

She stays with her dad every other weekend

OP posts:

MrsCatE · 19/10/2021 19:33

Oh dear. Please reinforce the message that the internet is forever and no, he will definitely send pictures or intimate messages to everyone in his contact book; he’s a wanky 17 year old boy ffs
On the other hand, can you have a ‘word’ and say if he dares ask your daughter for such - repercussions will happen.
Obviously ex’s first reaction would be to say, yes she cut my balls off therefore I never saw you, paid child support etc. However, if you can open his eyes to path wanker boyfriend is leading her down, he may join forces with you. I don’t envy you at all but best of luck! X

DampSquidGames · 19/10/2021 19:34

I wouldn’t have mentioned anything to her.
I remember doing similar when I was 16, there was a boy I really fancied at school, he was the school heartthrob. I overheard him saying he loves slow smoochie songs and chips with his Spag Bol. So I dropped this into conversations to him making out I loved slow songs. I started dating him (it lasted 4 weeks) and even got my mum to cook chips with spaghetti bolognaise for when he came over, even though that went against everything I believed in!
For me it was just a phase, I would have been very embarrassed if someone had called me out on it.

SmileyClare · 19/10/2021 19:36

Have you ever spoken to her about the reasons why you and her dad split when she was younger?

Maybe now's not the best time (!) but she's old enough to know the facts...particularly if her dad has presented some sort of skewed version of events?

Please try not to worry or catastrophise about your daughter's future relationships though. It really is quite normal to be quite silly at that age around a new boyfriend. He is probably not really being himself either. It's all awkward and new for them.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 19/10/2021 19:41

No man worth having wants a weak and stupid partner in life. Don't dull your light for any person, man or woman, the brighter you shine the more treasured and valued you will be.

Build her confidence.

TreXX · 19/10/2021 19:47

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

No man worth having wants a weak and stupid partner in life. Don't dull your light for any person, man or woman, the brighter you shine the more treasured and valued you will be.

Build her confidence.

Reminds me of a Jane Austen quote from Emma:

“Men of sense, whatever you may choose to say, do not want silly wives.”- Mr. Knightley

5128gap · 19/10/2021 19:51

Theres very little point in telling her that men don't like this behaviour, when the fact is, a lot of them love it, and do feel better about themselves when women make them feel funny, clever, protective etc. and prefer women who make them feel this way to ones who don't. It may not be how we want it, but its often how it is, and pretending otherwise will make DD feel she knows best, as her experience has taught her this. Far better to acknowledge it and discuss the reasons why colluding with it is a bad idea.

TreXX · 19/10/2021 19:54

@5128gap

Yeah, but the point is who wants a man like that?

Original poster

miac8 · 19/10/2021 20:03

@MrsCatE

Oh dear. Please reinforce the message that the internet is forever and no, he will definitely send pictures or intimate messages to everyone in his contact book; he’s a wanky 17 year old boy ffs On the other hand, can you have a ‘word’ and say if he dares ask your daughter for such - repercussions will happen. Obviously ex’s first reaction would be to say, yes she cut my balls off therefore I never saw you, paid child support etc. However, if you can open his eyes to path wanker boyfriend is leading her down, he may join forces with you. I don’t envy you at all but best of luck! X

Tbh its not really her bf that I have a problem with tbh, although that may be cause I don't know him. Its how she is acting around him and not being herself

OP posts:

MrsCatE · 19/10/2021 20:08

Sorry @miac8 meant reinforce message to your daughter re being coerced into sharing pics, intimate messages etc. I really don’t envy your position and wish you best of luck!

neeenor · 19/10/2021 20:31

@SmileyClare

I think it's great you spoke to her about being herself. She probably did take it on board but it was an awkward conversation and she reacted defensively. From my own experience, it's tough parenting teens. They always want to think they know best. I don't think it would have been helpful to call her a 'dick head". What a strange post!

I think most teens put on an act sometimes in front of their peers or a new boyfriend. It actually takes a lot of confidence to be yourself and stick to what you believe in. Most teenagers haven't really worked out who they are yet and don't feel comfortable in their own skin. They all act like wallys sometimes, they all learn from their many mistakes.

I wouldn't worry too much. It's cringe worthy to listen to her pretending to be a damsel in distress rescued from a spider I imagine but this doesn't mean she's heading for a life time of poor relationships or regards herself as the inferior sex.

This.

There's some odd responses on here. You've said your bit and she's heard you. She'll process that in her own time. She'll then probably ignore it and do as she wishes. She's 17 and allowed to try things / make her own mistakes.

Hard to watch but keep the open communication going and don't be pushy.

toocold54 · 19/10/2021 20:52

She's 17. She knows nothing at that age. Leave her to it, when she's ready for a serious relationship she'll be herself around them.

She’s 17. She thinks she knows everything.
I agree leave her to it and she’ll soon find out that you need to be yourself to have a successful relationship.

EarthSight · 19/10/2021 22:19

@miac8

I talked to her again about it and now I am even more worried. She says that me and her dad broke up as I 'didn't respect him enough' and 'emmasculated' him and also that his new gf apparently treats him much better. This wasn't what happened and also she was 5 at the time so I don't know how she knows. I'm not sure what to do now

Uh-oh.

Has she been watching trad-wife content on Youtube? How much time does she spend online?

CatsArePeople · 19/10/2021 22:28

ah, dad and girlfriend... i see now where she got it

altmember · 19/10/2021 22:32

@SisforSoppy

How to lay it on effectively yet gently enough in the one year or so you have left with her I don’t know.

Sign her up to MN and make her read the relationship pages. That should do it.

Yep, if you do that she'll be single for the next 12 years too!

Original poster

miac8 · 20/10/2021 00:13

@EarthSight I don't think she has, she spends quite a lot of time on social media but no more than most teens tbh and idk exactly what she does

OP posts:

Original poster

miac8 · 20/10/2021 00:14

@MrsCatE

Sorry *@miac8* meant reinforce message to your daughter re being coerced into sharing pics, intimate messages etc. I really don’t envy your position and wish you best of luck!

Thanks, hopefully she's not but ig it won't do any harm!

OP posts:

Original poster

miac8 · 20/10/2021 00:19

@SmileyClare

Have you ever spoken to her about the reasons why you and her dad split when she was younger?

Maybe now's not the best time (!) but she's old enough to know the facts...particularly if her dad has presented some sort of skewed version of events?

Not really, basically he just didn't really pull his weight and was a bit insecure about a lot of things like that I was now earning more than him. We also kept having loads of stupid fights about basically nothing. It just wasn't really working all round, but perhaps his version of events was I 'emmasculated' him

OP posts:

Original poster

miac8 · 20/10/2021 00:22

@SmileyClare

Well it's possible that her dad and his new girlfriend's behaviour have influenced her. Are they in contact?

Have you read all the replies here? Most are reassuring you that her behaviour is still quite childish, almost "playing" at a relationship and that she'll find her own way and become more confident in who she is and being honest to herself as she matures.

Teenagers say hurtful things sometimes when they feel backed into a corner and embarrassed or told they're wrong. It's her way of lashing out. I'm not excusing her being rude but I doubt she means any of it. She is feeling criticised so I would leave this for now, rather than keep approaching her to discuss it and making such a huge deal.

She put on a bit of a silly, girly act in front of her boyfriend. Don't read too much into it.

Yeah she stays with him every other weekend. Ig you're right and there is not anything I can do atm. I am just worried that it won't change cause it seems quite extreme and tbh I just want to sort it out now tbh. But I probably should just leave it now and just keep an eye on the situation

OP posts:

Guetzlibache · 20/10/2021 04:12

She is a teenager with all the insecurities that go with it.yes,it would annoy me too, to see my DD behaving with her BF in this way.Dont make an issue of it.If she is genuinely happy,,it will go,it will pass.She will become more confident in time.She projects her own insecurity onto her BF.is it her first relationship?

beastlyslumber · 20/10/2021 05:10

I wouldn't be too worried. She is testing out a lot of things at this age. I think it's good that you're reminding her to be herself. She's being defensive and trying to push your buttons because that's what teenagers do.

It's true that boys do like giggly girls who they can protect from spiders and who don't challenge their sense of intellectual superiority. She will eventually work out that it is a raw deal for her, though. It might be worth talking to her about her boundaries - just reinforcing that she is allowed to have them and getting her to think about what they are. I wouldn't worry too much at the moment, though. The bf sounds okay and she will get fed up of pretending eventually.

Rosiiiiie · 20/10/2021 05:13

Apart from her being rude to you, I think it’s normal for teenagers to act a certain way in front of their boyfriends. They’re young and just learning about love/relationships. She’ll find her way soon enough and realise she doesn’t have to act a certain way to keep a boyfriend. Just let it run its course.

letsmakethishappen · 20/10/2021 05:26

Teach her about boundaries etc overtime about abusive behaviour, what’s acceptable etc. Let her know that you’re there for her incase she’s not happy in her relationship in the future. She will make her own mistakes definitely but in future she will also know when to pack her bags and leave/ or kick someone out. Teach her about being financially independent and never to rely on someone. My dd8 knows she needs to have her own job/ money always in the future. I tell her this again and again.

timeisnotaline · 20/10/2021 05:35

Very tricky! I’d have some statements prepared like ‘earning more than a man is not emasculating him darling’ and bonus if you can point to examples. But that’s all I can think of.

Harlequin1088 · 20/10/2021 05:45

This is really sad. I thought we'd moved past women feeling the need to dumb themselves down for men...clearly not...

Flip

1 2 3 4