My daughter is playing dumb in front of her bf

[miac8]

So I met my 17yo dd's bf yesterday. He seemed perfectly nice and I don't have any problems with him. I didn't meet him for long. However a couple of times my dd was pretending to not know something I'm pretty sure she did and also she was laughing at a few things he said that just weren't funny at all. Also she got really scared about a spider and she is not scared of spiders normally at all and it was really unlike her. I just got the impression she really wasn't being herself around him. I spoke to her about it later and she said that she was trying to make him feel good about himself and that I didn't understand men at all hence why I've been single for 12 years and told me not to give her advice on that. I'm not sure what to do as I really want her to feel like she can be herself and not play up to what she thinks is attractive. Normally I would definitely not get involved and I am generally a very chilled out parent. Obviously she is so young now but I worry this will continue as she gets older and I just want her to know she deserves to be in a relationship where she can be herself. Not sure if I am overthinking this and thinking it is a bigger deal than it is.

Me too and I think I just looked like a knob looking back..

Ah well. If it’s any consolation it won’t last.

How to lay it on effectively yet gently enough in the one year or so you have left with her I don’t know.

Sign her up to MN and make her read the relationship pages. That should do it.

I'd be asking her why she wants to be with a man who's ego is so fragile he can't cope with an intelligent woman capable of moving a spider

Her internalised misogyny is strong if she things confirming you 2950s stereotypes is the key to a successful relationship

I expect she'll have secretly taken on some of your advice, even if she didn't want to admit it at the time.

To quote Mark Twain: "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

She'll probably laugh about this in a few years

I think like with everything you can't expect someone to be thrown into their first relationship and act like a perfect adult would.

There's lots of things we do as children, and teenagers that we grow out of. She's finding her feet and learning what boys like. As a teenager it does feel like boys want a silly girl who needs saving from spiders, and tbh a lot of teenage boys do -it definitely worked, but as we grow up we learn how to be ourselves in relationships, what we want and how to have healthy, adult relationships. But I don't think you can know that from the outset. And it does make you feel giggly when a boy/girl likes you for the first time.

I definitely still laugh at my DPs shit jokes, even though no one else finds them funny.

@MaryBoBary

To be honest I wouldn't have mentioned it. It's fairly normal when your younger, I knew lots of girls that did this but soon grew out of it. As long as she's not making herself unhappy to please him, it's not really an issue.

I agree

Ah she's 17. They know everything at that age and we know nothing 😂😂. I wouldn't sweat it. She'll learn.

She was rude but it sounds pretty normal. Don't all teens think they know everything?

I will confess, I used to do this. I thought that was what boys/men wanted and this was how my friends acted.

I soon grew out of it and found my strength and my voice. Your daughter is lucky that she has a parent who has picked up on this even if she doesn't think that now. You may have planted a seed.

Gosh. Please get her to follow lalalaletmeexplain on Instagram.

She's at an age where she thinks she knows about everything ( we've all been there) never mind about men. She doesn't ( we all know that)
Just gentle encouragement not to dumb her self down for anybody.
Good luck OP

I’d have told her something along the lines of I was too busy looking after you to pandering to some bloke, you cheeky bunt! I would then present her with some huge, comedy lashes to flutter at him; the sort that have to be attached at eyebrow a la Muppet.
A friend was a very highly qualified and respected CPS lawyer; the dumbing down she did to kowtow to her new boyfriend (a prison warden) was jaw dropping.

You're worth more than to waste time on a man who has to be pandered to in order to feel good about himself, you've had enough of that. She doesn't need to waste her time on it at all.

So she thinks what all men want is a woman who is scared of spiders, knows less than he does, and thinks he's funny even when he isn't.
Not all men are like this (some are obviously) so she's internalised a very strange idea of men as well as a strange idea of how women should behave.
I'd argue that if someone only likes you because you stroke their ego all the time, they aren't really worth bothering with.

But she's 17 - when hormones take over, critical thinking goes out the window. As for you being single because you know nothing about men - I'd tell her that you are single because you set the bar high and its better to be single than accept second best. And a man who wants you to pretend to be stupid is certainly second best (if not 3rd 4th or 5th best).

Sorry, didn’t mean to infer prisoner wardens were stupid but he lived up to the cliche of a bullying, knuckle dragging, Neanderthal.

She's 17. They're basically children. Also she may have got herself some shitty advice from silly magazines or internet forums. Something I read today myself - "don't forget to act weak in front of your man, or he'll think that you don't need him" (not envy)

My cousin is like this with her DH, it’s painful to watch. She is a teacher ffs she shouldn’t be dumbing down for anyone 😔 I’ve started to step in as her daughters are getting to the age they’ll notice and they need to know it’s not ok.
Hopefully your DD will grow out of it and realise she doesn’t need to be a damsel in distress to keep a man interested…not like my cousin 🙄

She's 17 and being a silly girl but that's okay. She'll learn but if she hasn't got it by 23ish there might be a problem. Christ, the things I used to tell my mum she didn't know about make me cringe.

I’d be really worried I hadn’t embedded feminism thoroughly enough if i was you

The OP's DD shouldn't have been rude to her, but the rest of this stuff isn't about 'embedding' anything. She's a 17-year-old girl, it's what they do at that age, and they always think they know better than their parents. She'll learn in time.

Tell her that my DS1, who was a 'great catch' (if I do say so myself) finally fell truly and deeply in love with and married the girl who showed him her intelligence and her independence from day one. He is devoted to her and their life together is a wonderful thing for DH and I to watch grow and bloom. Not to mention having gained a wonderful daughter in law whom I look on as the daughter I never had.

After numerous relationships, he figured out that he wanted a wife who was his truly his equal, not one he felt he'd have to 'take care of' or who was obviously playing dumb.

It's so depressing to me that any girl still feels the need to play dumb.

She is in “love”
She has never felt this way before.
Her tummy does somersaults every time they meet.

Ring any bells.

@Boaby

My cousin is like this with her DH, it’s painful to watch. She is a teacher ffs she shouldn’t be dumbing down for anyone 😔 I’ve started to step in as her daughters are getting to the age they’ll notice and they need to know it’s not ok. Hopefully your DD will grow out of it and realise she doesn’t need to be a damsel in distress to keep a man interested…not like my cousin 🙄

You step in between the relationship your cousin has with her DH because you think you know how to raise their daughters better 😂

There's playing daft, and then there's being totally overbearing, your cousin may be one, but you are definitely the other.

I think it's great you spoke to her about being herself. She probably did take it on board but it was an awkward conversation and she reacted defensively

This is quite likely, She'll remember what you said and it will plant a seed.

I spoke to her about it later and she said that she was trying to make him feel good about himself and that I didn't understand men at all hence why I've been single for 12 years and told me not to give her advice on that. I'm not sure what to do as I really want her to feel like she can be herself and not play up to what she thinks is attractive

🤣🤣🤣

Dear oh dear. At this point, it would be very easy to reprimand her for that, but if you go in too strong, she might just double-down on what she's doing and not come to you for advice later.

You can tell her what your opinions are, but she needs to know that despite the silly thing she might say or do now, that you will be there for her if she comes out the other side, without a 'I told you so'.

I would try to keep it calm, and just say -

'I know it seems like a fab idea now, maybe you're not even wrong in what you're doing, but all it does is keep a man with you who is not really attracted to the real you. Some men love this whole girly, slightly dim personna. They might give you attention for it....but they won't respect you for it. You might not see that disrespect now, but it will come out eventually. It will come out when you're trying to argue a point, and he simply dismisses you as hormonal, he will have the last word on important decisions (because he always thinks he knows best because you're just a little girly). You might not think those things are important now, but they will come back to bite you in future. Some women just happen to be in relationships like that, but you are actively going down the wrong path if you carry on with this behaviour'

After saying something like this, I would leave her to digest it and not bring it up for a while.

However, more, worryingly, I would be wondering what is going on between them sexually. I'd dread to think :/

She's a 17 year old flirting with her boyfriend - it's really not that deep

Sometimes I feel like an alien on MN.

I talked to her again about it and now I am even more worried. She says that me and her dad broke up as I 'didn't respect him enough' and 'emmasculated' him and also that his new gf apparently treats him much better. This wasn't what happened and also she was 5 at the time so I don't know how she knows. I'm not sure what to do now

Well it's possible that her dad and his new girlfriend's behaviour have influenced her. Are they in contact?

Have you read all the replies here? Most are reassuring you that her behaviour is still quite childish, almost "playing" at a relationship and that she'll find her own way and become more confident in who she is and being honest to herself as she matures.

Teenagers say hurtful things sometimes when they feel backed into a corner and embarrassed or told they're wrong. It's her way of lashing out. I'm not excusing her being rude but I doubt she means any of it. She is feeling criticised so I would leave this for now, rather than keep approaching her to discuss it and making such a huge deal.

She put on a bit of a silly, girly act in front of her boyfriend. Don't read too much into it.