Been disowned by family. So hurt.

[Tilertyred]

I come from a culture where the family pecking order is set in stone. Both parents are younger siblings as I am too.

My older sister and I fell out a few years ago after I finally said “no” to yet another unreasonable request. This time it was about a job we were both interested in and she ordered me to step aside and not apply because she said that the company would feel like it was too much trouble choosing between sisters. Well I did apply and neither of us got it, and she has blamed me ever since.

She has managed to get pretty much all of the family on her side and against me. Only our parents sympathise with me but they are powerless in the family as elders agree with my sister and have effectively disowned me.

I recently discovered I haven’t been invited to a family member’s birthday party and I was really upset. It’s really shit and I know that it’s cruel and unkind behaviour on their part but they are still my family and I feel so rejected.

Wow! They've all disowned you because you applied for a job? That's crazy stuff.

No that’s not the only reason but it was the one that upset more family members than anything else before because it was deemed “disrespectful to my elders” by not “knowing my place”.

Previous offences include not attending a family wedding (I was in the middle of uni final exams and was struggling with both physical and mental health) and as a teenager, brought “shame on the family” because I had an eating disorder.

Sorry to read this op. Cant your parents intervene?

Yes they could. But they won’t. Sister was pfb and they never seemed to get over that and allowed her to bully me badly as children. It’s as though they’re scared of her.

I would move out and not speak to them again. They all sound very dreary.

I’m going throughout something similar where someone in my family got really resentful of something good that happened to me and has turned other members of my family against me. People like this are very sad and have deep rooted issues within themselves, but it’s still extremely traumatic to have family members turn against you. I don’t have any advice but I do sympathise. It’s a very difficult experience. I went to my GP and was referred for counselling over it. No one understands how awful it is unless it happens to them.

It is horrible isn’t it @stealingbeauty. Like you are left rudderless with zero support from the people who are supposed to love and care about you. Well actually it’s worse than that, it’s collective bullying with my own sister at it’s centre. She gets sanctimonious if anything bad happens to me and tells me it’s my weak mental health that is my downfall.

I know how it feels, and it’s very disturbing. It is really hard to deal with the injustice of it too, when lies get spread and people side with the one who lies. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I really don’t 😟

Thank you for your posts @stealingbeauty, just knowing there are others going through similar stuff helps

Definitely talk to a therapist about this stuff. ‘abandonment’ and being made the ‘scapegoat’ for the family troubles is very traumatic. They all clearly have their own issues and this isn’t all on you, even if they think it is.

Yes agree with op.
Get a great therapist.
They will help you understand this is them, not you and you need to walk to your own beat and go live you life - even if that means no contact with your family.
They sound toxic to me, and as heart-breaking as it might be, you may have to let them go in order to live a happy life.
But you need a good therapist and some good friends to get you through this

Tbh they have done you a favor. Breaking with them now means you'll break the cycle. And hopefully if you have kids they will be free of all this bullshit.

Step back from them all. Make it clear that there's an open invitation if your parents wish to pop by but don't go out of your way to kiss anyones ass.

Just because a family traditionally does things a a certain way, it does not excuse bullying or abuse. If they can't tell the difference between tradition and injustice then they are not good human beings and you are better without them.

Find yourself a new family of kind decent friends who respect you as an equal.

A family that treats you badly is no family at all.

Good riddance to the lot of them...they are bonkers!

The best revenge is a life well lived.
Do that.

Not that I think you should be vengeful, I add. But honestly, this happened to me a few years ago and head held high and cracking on as much as I could really helped.

I felt and still feel very hard done by.

Thank you for the posts, I didn’t think this thread was still going so really appreciate it.

I totally agree with finding a family of friends which I am blessed to have. But it doesn’t fill the gap and hurt that comes with being completely and utterly rejected by my family. Nothing can replace that. That said I know there’s little point moping about it and I agree about a life well lived.