Are all two year olds like this?

[bloodytwirlywoos]

I feel completely burnt out and at the end of my tether. My ds is almost two. He tantrums non stop over everything. If he doesn't want to do something or I try to stop him doing something he loses it.

Nothing is simple and by the end of the day I want to cry, every day. I feel like I'm just trying to navigate his tantrums all day.

Tried to go to playgroup and he wanted a little bike to ride. Didn't want to give anyone else a turn, I understand that, he doesn't get sharing yet. But the meltdown was so bad that I couldn't calm him and all he would do is throw himself around and hit out at me.

Go to the shops and he screams if I try and put him in a trolley.

Decide to go for a little walk down our street to stretch our legs. Keep repeating that we need to hold hands. He refuses and keeps trying to run off. When I won't let him he just lets his legs go loose and falls to the floor.
If I pick him up he will thrash around and hit me.

At home he wants my attention all the time. I play with him a lot but I can't play 10 hours a day. He will follow me around crying and holding onto my legs.

Please help

Yes unfortunately, buy some baby reins for walking. Never do anything longer than an hour or so. Stick the telly on when you get bored of playing.

I’ve got two children. My eldest (now 10) was like this. She was very verbal, so the usual line about how she couldn’t express herself any other way didn’t apply. She had regular epic tantrums on most days until she was 4, always with parents or occasionally grandparents. She was fine at nursery/ pre school. They couldn’t believe my descriptions. Now she’s a well-adjusted, even-tempered girl. My other DC had one tantrum after a birthday party. I was bracing myself for the beginning of some rough years. They didn’t come. I think a lot of this is chance and temperament. I have no wisdom for you, only enormous empathy. It’s not you, it’s not her, it will most likely pass. Take all the support you can, try all the strategies people suggest, don’t beat yourself up it nothing works, have some time to yourself (I rarely did but it always helped me cope and I wish I’d done it more often). Good luck xx

Yes, my 22 month old is constantly moaning whining screaming if anything goes against his wishes. I can't wait for this phase to pass, everything is a battle

Interestingly my older child wasn't this bad and he was non verbal at the time and had some special needs. My younger one had lots of words and can communicate all his needs but is a much more fiery character!

Mine is a similar age and is very wilful but not too bad. Unfortunately you will have to just be harsh and let him cry. It’s the only way he will learn. If he is trying to run onto the road pick him up and tell him no you will have to go home

Every child is different. My eldest wouldn't tantrum but would just scream when he couldn't communicate what he wanted he frustrated. My youngest who's 5 is prone to tantrums when I tell her to do something she doesn't want like tidy up her toys.

Can he go to nursery a bit to give you a break?

Choose your battles and if you say no mean it and ride it out. They are just processing emotions, I know it’s tough but you will get through this! Hang on in there!

Hard age!
Get some reins, I used them with my DS until he was 2.5 because he wanted the freedom whilst walking. They do learn to hold hands etc.
Nursery or preschools around you?

Oh I feel your pain. Mine is almost 2 and it's exhausting. Regardless of whether we go out or stay in makes no difference to his behaviour and its very rare I make it to lunch time without him having some form of epic tantrum. Some days I can see the catalyst e.g he's hungry but most days it's like a switch is flicked and everything goes from calm, chilled and serene to world war 3 in the blink of an eye.

I think it's very much down to their own development, as my friends and I have such varied experiences. My own son is now 3 and about a year ago he went through a phase of tantrums, not as constant as you are describing, but every now and then over a period of a few months he would throw a whopper of a tantrum. To the point where it scared me, because i could see he had reached some wild level of anger and couldn't be reasoned with. A few times I had to go to a different room from him, just to cry and get away from him for a few minutes. Over time I found ways to ignore him and let him calm himself. Turning on cbeebies and walking out of the room worked the best. I'd return a few minutes later and he'd be back to his normal self, as if nothing had happened. Just know that it's a phase, keep showing them love and don't suffer through it.. walk away and it'll soon pass. My son is now back to his lovely self, and the tantrums are very few and far between now.

bloodytwirlywoos actually they aren't all like this at all. If that description is really your every single day, all day, and not just a rare bad day or 15 minutes most days.

I have 3 kids and used to childmind. There's no point pretending that the behaviour described in the OP is how all two year olds are, day in day out,all day. Its frankly an outright lie to say it is.

OP if its all day every day it genuinely might be just a phase. How long has it been like this?

It might be that he's struggling more than most toddlers - there are lots of possible reasons including but not limited to SEN - sensory issues would be the most obvious, whether thats the whole picture or as part of another condition. If he's struggling with communication (hearing problems, verbal delay, language processing disorders) this could also be the issue.

It may honestly be that you just need a break from one another - that's ok too. If you can afford a nursery or childminder two days per week that could do you both the world of good.

Is your health visitor accessable? If so get in touch. If not some GPs are useful on child development and some are not - if yours is accessible atm this is also a route to try. A good, experienced, childminder or nursery would also help you with advice, techniques and signposting as well as give you chance to take a breath and your child chance to benefit from a change of scene and be observed by different carers.

Good luck!

I know how you feel OP my son was like this. He is 4 now and better but we still have daily battles. Its exhausting!

Nursery helped.

Three kids here. Two out of three were like that, yes. Hold tight, it will pass.

My two year old has never had a tantrum or a meltdown.

Yes, she throws strops sometimes, but I do wonder if sometimes parents use those words in an exaggerated manner.

She is very verbal and communicates very well so I'm sure that helps massively.

I agree with @UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme this does sound like it's the extreme end of two year old behaviour. It's definitely worth thinking about other potential causes for this as it could indeed be sensory or sen related.

I've got three and they are all completely different , so whilst I'm not saying that there are definitely other causes , there could be something bothering your child that is easily solvable.

When I was concerned about my youngest I requested to have the 2 year check brought forward a few months , issues were identified and support was then offered. Perhaps try that.

Good luck.

Just to say , the support that was offered was a slot at a small playgroup for priority children and also a referral for speech and language therapy. The hv was hugely supportive.

Agree with HairBrained.

All 2 year olds have moments/days like this but no, it is not typical for it to be constant all day every day. That's likely indicative that something else is going on.

Could he be getting too little sleep
Potential food allergy
Some kind of health issue causing pain
Sensory issues making everything overwhelming
Slow development of speech making him frustrated
Hearing/sight/movement issues making him frustrated or making "ordinary" things scary or unpredictable

etc etc just ideas. I would speak to your GP or health visitor.

In the meantime it can be helpful to try some "gentle parenting" type techniques - this can reduce everyday friction.

• Give choices between two options when you're happy to accept both e.g. "Do you want to sit in the trolley or hold my hand?" "Do you want the red trousers or the blue ones?" Closed choices give them some control without being overwhelming.

• Reflect feelings back and empathise e.g. "You really wanted the bike. That's so disappointing." don't be tempted to add reasoning/admonishment e.g. "But it's Sally's turn now, it's nice to share!" just accept their feeling.

• Warning/explanation in advance. "We're going to walk to the park, I need you to hold my hand on the way there." Don't assume that a rule will be generalised because you've done it before. At two he will need to have things explained to him every time, it's inappropriate to expect him to remember a rule for himself and even less so for him to extrapolate which situations the rule applies and which it does not.

• Meeting him where he is/relax unnecessary rules/change expectations - bring a buggy if he struggles holding hands so you have a back up which you can handle confidently. Does he have to hold hands at all times or just when crossing roads/on busier roads? (If he's prone to bolting, then yes, but if not, maybe no). What about something like reins to keep him safe but hand holding as well at the danger points to get him into the habit of it.

• Use positive, specific instruction - if you find yourself daying "Don't X" try to turn it around and think what you want him to do instead, then say that. It's hard to do in the moment but there are probably 4-5 "Stop Xing" or "Don't Y" that you say commonly so as a little exercise, pick the most common and decide what you'd turn them around to. Then whenever you get into that situation, try to use the "Do Z" instruction instead. Over time this becomes easier and you'll even start to do it on the cuff.

• Catch the positive and deliver specific praise - again there are probably several situations which repeat themselves commonly, so outline a few examples of the most common, and think about what behaviours you want/expect in that situation. Write these behaviours down and then praise them madly whenever you see them. So if you notice that you're in a shop and he's walking nicely without touching things, let him know that he did it right! Say something like "You are doing very good walking today, DS, I'm proud of you." or "Well done for keeping your hands to yourself in the shop".

• Avoid generic terms - this is a bit controversial, but terms like good/bad/naughty/behaving/listening/silly/calm are very vague and sometimes children find it very difficult to understand what is expected of them when these terms are used. So instead of saying "Well done, you were so good in the shop!" you can describe WHAT the good behaviour in the shop was "You spoke quietly, stayed with Mummy and didn't touch anything. I'm proud of you." Likewise instead of "Calm down" try "I can't understand when you are screaming. Can you take some deep breaths with me and use your quiet voice?"

I forgot to say - aside from developmental stuff, constipation and ear infections can make toddlers behave like this! The impact (sorry, no pun intended ) of a constipated toddler on every element of life has to be experienced in close quarters to be believed! Do check those two simple causes out!

Yes my DS was like this. He had this ear piercing scream and would headbutt the floor and furniture. I also had a baby, with an 18 month age gap. He wasn’t talking at the time which made things worse.
Just before he turned 2, I called the HV in tears as I didn’t know what to do. She came out and assessed him and recommended putting him in nursery.
So that’s what we did, 2 mornings a week until my mat leave ended, best decision I made. We also paid for speech therapy privately.

By the time he was 2.5 he was speaking properly, and was reading aged 3. He’s now 7 and is exceptionally bright, he’ll still have the occasional meltdown if he gets overwhelmed, but he’s a fab little boy x

Yep all normal.

I didn’t bother with disciplining like the naughty step or anything. Just had to ride it out. Mostly ignored bad behaviour and rewarded the good. I found it helped when I sympathised with her and offered cuddles. There was a particular bad biting/ attacking phase before bed, and her refusing to walk anywhere so we just stayed home. Luckily that only lasted a few weeks.

DD is the loveliest 3 year old. Honestly it will get better. I have baby twins now and I’m dreading the terrible 2’s. 😱

@girlmom21

My two year old has never had a tantrum or a meltdown.

Yes, she throws strops sometimes, but I do wonder if sometimes parents use those words in an exaggerated manner.

She is very verbal and communicates very well so I'm sure that helps massively.

No you’re just lucky, trust me.

Exactly the same. I feel for you. Tantrums, head banging, at least 10 times a day. It's awful. Being referred for speech and language therapy and in touch with the health visitor and doctor. Would get in touch with them if you haven't already - I don't think it's 'typical 2 year old' behaviour. Mine is certainly at the extreme end of the spectrum.

@Bumblethebee I disagree considering you said your child bit and hit and threw tantrums with no recourse. I don't think it's down to luck at all.

I literally could have written this and I always respond to threads like these

My son was the same, an absolute nightmare. Every day was spent trying to avoid things that would send him into a rage, his tantrums and general mardy behaviour was incredibly draining to deal with. At the time, I felt that his reactions were SO disproportionate (and they were! But this is what toddlers do).

A 10 min walk to the shop would take an hour and half, stopping to inspect every stone/leaf/blade of grass with horrendous meltdowns if I attempted to chivvy him along, interjected with him trying to leg it into the road at every opportunity. He was not a hand holder, nor a compliant rein wearer! My good friend had a little girl the same age who didn't leave her side and was so compliant. I felt like I was failing.

He always wanted to be 5 steps ahead of what he was capable of. Whether that was playing with a toy, conquering something new at the park, turning pages of a book, literally anything! He was a very frustrated little boy.

You're not going to like what I'm about to say - but in my experience the only thing you can do is accept it for what it is at the moment.

However - things WILL change. I can promise you that. Once my son got to 4 he was drastically easier to manage. Now at almost 7 he is a dream.

Just keep reinforcing the boundaries with your son. Even if you think it isn't achieving anything I can promise you it will be having an effect. Try and stay calm (easier said than done), use foam ear plugs to block out the screaming, and really reward any good behaviour.