Are all two year olds like this?

[bloodytwirlywoos]

I feel completely burnt out and at the end of my tether. My ds is almost two. He tantrums non stop over everything. If he doesn't want to do something or I try to stop him doing something he loses it.

Nothing is simple and by the end of the day I want to cry, every day. I feel like I'm just trying to navigate his tantrums all day.

Tried to go to playgroup and he wanted a little bike to ride. Didn't want to give anyone else a turn, I understand that, he doesn't get sharing yet. But the meltdown was so bad that I couldn't calm him and all he would do is throw himself around and hit out at me.

Go to the shops and he screams if I try and put him in a trolley.

Decide to go for a little walk down our street to stretch our legs. Keep repeating that we need to hold hands. He refuses and keeps trying to run off. When I won't let him he just lets his legs go loose and falls to the floor.
If I pick him up he will thrash around and hit me.

At home he wants my attention all the time. I play with him a lot but I can't play 10 hours a day. He will follow me around crying and holding onto my legs.

Please help

[quote girlmom21]@Bumblethebee I disagree considering you said your child bit and hit and threw tantrums with no recourse. I don't think it's down to luck at all.
[/quote]
Like I say, it was a phase she went through for a few weeks. Yes she did hit and bite us a few times at bedtimes. She had a difficult time with a house move and a new nursery. We obviously told her no, ignored it and she came through.

You’ve definitely been lucky if you don’t understand that toddlers have tantrums and meltdowns. All children are different. Many toddlers go through a hitting or biting phase unfortunately.

@Bumblethebee of course I know that some toddlers have tantrums.
Most toddlers don't actually have meltdowns.

@girlmom21 how many children do you have?

Tantrum/ meltdown whatever. I’d still say your situation is unusual if you say your toddler has never had either and you’ve probably been quite lucky. You can be a firm parent and do everything right but still have a difficult time during the terrible twos. It’s just a normal part of development.

Some friends used the naughty step, some friends were similar to me and did more of the gentle parenting thing. But overall we all ended up with perfectly nice 3 year olds.

I heard that professionals find it a source of concern if a toddler has never had a tantrum.

That’s just what little kids are like unfortunately, they’re horrible.

@Marelle

That’s just what little kids are like unfortunately, they’re horrible.

true

Hi OP.. @Bertiebots has given brilliant advice , I would support that. Yes is about temperament and I have had two very tantrumy DC so you’ve got my full sympathy (!!) but there could be more to this as it sounds relentless for you - naps are essential survival with tantrumy kids for you and them 💐

Marelle has summarised what I was trying to say in one sentence!

Yes essentially small children are dicks.

@Marelle

That’s just what little kids are like unfortunately, they’re horrible.

I think this comment sums it up perfectly.

It will pass.

I forgot to say - aside from developmental stuff, constipation and ear infections can make toddlers behave like this! The impact (sorry, no pun intended grin ) of a constipated toddler on every element of life has to be experienced in close quarters to be believed! Do check those two simple causes out!
Echoing this but for hunger and needing a wee. DD is generally a perky soul but if she needs a wee but hasn’t tuned into needing it she goes beserk; ditto when she needs a snack.

Mostly she’s a cool cat who throws an epic wobbler every now and then, but I think it’s entirely luck of the draw, though I would look into specifics as suggested by PPs because you do sound particularly unlucky here and if there’s a cause to the non-stop tantrum parade it would be good to get to the root, both for solving it for its own sake but also your sanity.

[quote Bumblethebee]@girlmom21 how many children do you have?

Tantrum/ meltdown whatever. I’d still say your situation is unusual if you say your toddler has never had either and you’ve probably been quite lucky. You can be a firm parent and do everything right but still have a difficult time during the terrible twos. It’s just a normal part of development.

Some friends used the naughty step, some friends were similar to me and did more of the gentle parenting thing. But overall we all ended up with perfectly nice 3 year olds.[/quote]
I have 2. Of course it's a normal part of developments to have tantrums and, as I said, I think DD's communication skills do make our lives easier.

That doesn't mean all toddlers have tantrums and absolutely doesn't mean all toddlers have meltdowns. Very few have real genuine meltdowns without there being some kind of additional needs.

There's an element of luck to every aspect of parenting and different approaches work for different children - I agree with that. I'm in no way a strict parent but I don't do gentle parenting either. Our approach works for our DD as yours clearly has for yours.

It does sound extreme tbh. Mine is 2.5 and does have tricky days when he’s feeling unwell or tired, but mainly we have a couple of tantrums here and there. Sometimes just last a couple of minutes.

It works for him to pre warn him of literally everything in advance. Absolutely everything. He’s much better when he knows what’s happening.

He also has a current phase of trying to run off. He gets two chances to listen then he goes in his push chair or back home. More often than not he wants to get back down and hold my hand.

I think different things work for different kids. I’d recommend big little feelings on Instagram.

Oh and yes I’d echo constipation. DS suffers from it and I know when he needs to go because he throws himself around very dramatically and is quite whiney. Poor kid!

Reins for walking outside.

Not all toddlers are like this, at all. Almost all of them have tantrums though. My mantra is to validate the emotions and discipline the undesirable behaviour. 'You sound frustrated, is that right? I'd be frustrated too if I couldn't do that! It's okay to feel this way, but I won't let you kick/hit/whatever'. Stops it being a power struggle between you. Ultimately they want to feel they're in the care of a competent adult who is capable of maintaining boundaries to feel safe.

The insta account 'big little feelings' is excellent. You can't always stop tantrums, sometimes you just have to be there for them and make sure they don't hurt themselves while they peter out.

@BertieBotts has excellent advice.

It's about rolling with it, not getting stressed. Let your calmness be contagious. Try find the humour in it when you can, we call our son going limp and falling to the floor in a pique 'turning into a liquid' because that's what it looks like lol, so we'll say 'ohhhh no, he's a liquid!'. When he's thrashing trying to hit you hold him so he's facing away from you with your arms over his arms so he can't reach back and smack you while he calms down. Sometimes I just take him to the carpet in the living room and gently lay him down and sit near him so he can do his thrashing and whatnot while he knows I'm there but he isn't in danger of hurting me or himself or breaking anything.

I absolutely love tantrums, really, really thrive on them, they're one of my favourite parts of having a toddler. Granted we probably only have like 4-5 per day max so maybe I'd feel differently if it was relentless, but I love them. Sometimes it's not anything you're doing wrong, it's just your toddler being a toddler. Toddlers gonna toddler. It's their job.

[quote Bumblethebee]@girlmom21 how many children do you have?

Tantrum/ meltdown whatever. I’d still say your situation is unusual if you say your toddler has never had either and you’ve probably been quite lucky. You can be a firm parent and do everything right but still have a difficult time during the terrible twos. It’s just a normal part of development.

Some friends used the naughty step, some friends were similar to me and did more of the gentle parenting thing. But overall we all ended up with perfectly nice 3 year olds.[/quote]
My lovely friends said their eldest never, ever had a tantrum! He just didn't. They put it down to their epic parenting haha. He was very verbal and empathetic and always understood why he couldn't have/do something and seemed to accept it. Just an angel of a kid. He still is, he's amazing.

Then their second came along as a little whirling dervish, didn't want anyone's approval or praise, just wanted what he wanted NOW and would go down fighting. Tantrums all day long. They laughed when they realised their first's behaviour wasn't down to them, they just got a particularly placid child. Their second's normal behaviour wasn't down to them either. Just being himself.

@NCKM yep!

It’s like when you have a sweet gorgeous first baby who never cries, you don’t understand what all the fuss is about and think other parents must be over reacting. Then your next baby comes along and has colic/ CMPA/ cries all day and is very highly strung!

Luckily I had the difficult baby first and she prepared me nicely for my twins. Looking after 2 babies and a toddler is easier than just looking after her was! 🤣

[quote Bumblethebee]@NCKM yep!

It’s like when you have a sweet gorgeous first baby who never cries, you don’t understand what all the fuss is about and think other parents must be over reacting. Then your next baby comes along and has colic/ CMPA/ cries all day and is very highly strung!

Luckily I had the difficult baby first and she prepared me nicely for my twins. Looking after 2 babies and a toddler is easier than just looking after her was! 🤣[/quote]
Haha I totally relate to this. I got the high needs child first exactly as you said CMPA, colic, purple crying, reflux, none napping... The works! Me and my partner often joke if we have another even twins would be easier. I think I'd only find another more difficult than my DS if it was triplets and that's only on a practical level as I wouldn't have enough hands.

I think unless you've parented a tricky child you honestly have no idea just how challenging a child's normal can be.

Constantly no but we have many, many incidents like that in a day. We only go to the shops if we need a few things otherwise it’s online shopping, I take reins out with us for walking. In between my toddler is pretty chilled, much more so than her older sister was.

@PinkWaferBiscuit absolutely. It’s actually very healing to know that it wasn’t ‘my fault’. We almost didn’t have another because we were so traumatised, then we found out it was twins and were terrified. BUT one of twins barely cries and she is so adorable and content, the other is a bit more high maintenance but still so much easier. He actually had CMPA but we had all the knowledge to sort it this time. Plus I’m used to the noise, sometimes they are all screaming at the same time but we just laugh it off. A difficult baby is very character building!

Ah the terrible two's!! The only consolation is that it doesn't last for ever. Although, right now, it probably feels like it does!! Hang in there.

A difficult baby is very character building!

Never truer words spoken. Honestly I used to sit in awe of parents saying they hated to hear their child cry thinking errm mine does it so often I now tune it out.

We're still firmly in the too traumatised zone here. I honestly know deep down that another couldn't possibly be as bad but I don't want to rock the already very well worn, leaking boat. At least my tiny terrorist now 9/10 times sleeps through the night.

In my experience it's totally normal for 2yos to behave like this sometimes (especially when hungry, tired, out of routine, over stimulated etc etc) but quite unusual for them to behave like this all day every day.

Have you had, or can you request, a 2 year check with the health visitor? They are very well placed to observe him for a bit and let you know whether they think his behaviour falls within the bounds of "normal toddler behaviour "

Do either of you get much sleep? Whenever I've been through particularly low patches with my toddlers it's usually a double whammy of them being extra whiny, needy, angry because they're tired, and me not having the energy or enthusiasm to deal with it very well, because I was also totally exhausted!! It's very easy to sink into a depressive slump if you're home all day with a tricky child, and then everything just spirals more and more negative.

Yes mine is 2.5 and im exhausted by the end of the day. Runs off, doesn't want to get dressed, climbs out of his pram, throws stuff, puts himself on the floor, constant "no's". Definitely the most challenging age so far. So much I can't think of anything worse than having another at this stage😩

Yes, DS used to have tantrums do horrendous his nursery noted that they were exceptionally bad.

I did the BigLittleFeelings course and it changed my life. Even using the tips from their Instagram made things so much better. We even managed a dentist visit without any tears . I'm pretty evangelical about their techniques because they worked so well for me.

I think of my DS2 as an 'easier child' than ds1, who tantrummed about everything. In reality, I think I've just got better at tuning it out.

I spend 90% of my time repeating 'oh dear, it's sad when you can't (insert totally unreasonable request) isn't it? Shall we have a biscuit/put the tv on/find your bunny?'.

Also just don't try to do anything ever. I find if I set my expectations at ground level I'm rarely disappointed.