The worst birthday. How do I accept this?

[Ooohanother12]

It’s my birthday today, 37. I’m single. A few years ago I had a very early miscarriage with an awful man but it was horrible nonetheless and I had various checks afterwards only to be told that all seemed fine and I was good to go again. Except I wasn’t as ive not found anyone since where a relationship has developed. I don’t want to do it alone. Though I get why people do.

I’ve had lots of therapy. Probably made masses of mistakes with men in my twenties but I think I’m quite self aware. Im not unable to commit or to be open to someone in my life. The latest relationship lasted 18 months and i ended it because he thought I expected too much when I wanted us to talk about the future and moving in etc - I didn’t say I wanted to move in by x date. I had just raised it generally and it was clear it was not on his radar at all. This man was 43 and said on our first date that he wanted something serious and to settle down.

It just all feels very hopeless. I do scroll through the apps and I do make conversation when out with work etc. But I can’t deny I’m older now. I look older. I don’t feel like getting crazy drunk with someone or randomly flying off round the world. I don’t think I’m boring but I just want a quiet life with someone. The loneliness is crippling. And I have lots of friends and do lots of things. But it’s not the same.

I dread a future of more of this. No life to build with someone. Nobody to share it with. Nobody to wake up with in the morning.

I live in an area outside of Birmingham. It’s nice but basically a suburb where people commute. I want to move back to the countryside where I grew up but that almost feels like giving up on being in a busy place. That said, I work from home 3 days a week so really the location is maybe not relevant.

Not sure why I’m posting. Just very down today and like I’ve missed out on so much already.

Happy Birthday 🎂
How about giving yourself a present of the future you want ? Make the move.

@GoodnightGrandma thank you. I’m not sure if it would change anything really? The hopelessness is the loneliness and longing for someone to share things with. I just don’t know what to do really.

I feel lost and unsettled and hopeless.

You need to accept your life and get on with it. You might meet someone, you might not, but this is it.
Why don’t you move back to where you want to be ? Mr.Right might just be there.

Happy Birthday Op. Today is a good day to be born in. It's my 40th. I totally understand as I'm single and haven't managed to meet anyone. Despite my best efforts. Feels like time is fast running out.

The only thing that is clear to me is, that what you are doing, and where you are living, is not working for you. If you don't change that, you can't expect anything else to change. There has to be a choice that is neither more of the same, nor out in the sticks. There are plenty of small or not so small market towns with plenty to do, ready access to the countryside, and/or within reach of bigger cities. In the meantime, join things! Join clubs, choirs, volunteer, anything that's different to what you've been trying so far. You might not find The One, but you'll feel less alone.

It's my birthday today as well. I was miserable at 37 but since then life has got better and better. This improvement is down to me changing my attitudes rather than any external event or something somebody else has done.

@Ooohanother12
@TobyEsterhase
@Toddlerteaplease

Happy birthday 🎉🥳

Happy Birthday. Why do you want to move back? Will it make you happier? Do you still have friends in the area?

Happy birthday all.

OP have you thought about going on one of those singles holidays, everyone who goes is single, you may meet someone that way. There was a post about them awhile back…
Could you join a club, I know it’s difficult and you have to be (in my opinion) quite outgoing in to being with, but if you put yourself out there you may meet others, make friends.
I’ve always thought, if I wanted to meet someone, or was single, alone, that I’d work in a pub- a social environment.

You won’t meet anyone sat at home.

Regret is a horrible feeling. You've had therapy and feel you understand past mistakes, so look forwards, not back. You can't change the past but you can certainly work towards a different future.

Happiness doesn't necessarily come from having a relationship and there are other ways to be happy with life. Try something new in whatever sphere of life you can. If you can improve your general sense of well being, rather than lamenting what you don't have, you'll be a more attractive prospect as a partner, or even just to new friends. No one likes the company of someone miserable and needy.

As for birthdays, I always find them slightly emotional. It's a reminder of the aging process and our mortality. Enjoy tomorrow as you have another 364 days before you need to face the next one!

Happy birthday everyone

@dapsnotplimsolls my close friends are scattered in Manchester, Leeds, London, etc. I have one close friend in Birmingham but there’s nothing tying me to the place friend wise. Back in the countryside I would be in a similar situation as I am now where friends are concerned - I would still travel to see them and them to me.

@Suzi888 I’ve done a singles trip, it was great. I did enjoy it but I would still have preferred to have been home with someone! So it’s a good filler but not the answer to wanting to share things with someone. I do online dating and I do try and chat to people but work takes up a lot of my time so clubs etc are not easy to join. Ironically there is probably more social stuff going on in the countryside than where I am now - a busy commuter place, quite pricey but not a hub of community.

I get it. I had a lovely morning with some friends. But back home and watching Call the midwife with the cats! My friends don't share my interests which means I have to do stuff on my own.

Is it better to be on your own in a place you want to be or in a place you know you aren't happy?

@StarCourt

Is it better to be on your own in a place you want to be or in a place you know you aren't happy?

This is a good point - if you know you'll be happier there, why not move back?

Things won’t change if you jst sit back and wait. You’ll likely still be in the same situation when you’re 40.

What are you going to do to get what you want?

@StarCourt I guess I’m worried it won’t make a difference or it won’t be better and I will wish I hadn’t moved!

@Loubiemoo I feel like I’ve tried my best for a long time. I don’t shy away from things and try my best to put myself out there. I’m not sure what else to do? Hence the hopelessness…

Happy birthday for posters sharing today

Please just do what makes you happy , if you move and you regretted it , nothing stopping you moving again

I feel nothing but admiration for you for gettting out there and giving it a go, at least.

I'm much older than you, single parent and also facing perhaps the prospect that I will never meet someone I want to have a relationship with.

However, you never know what is going to happen in life, plenty of people do, so i certainly wouldn't write it off at your age.

Life has been difficult for many in the pandemic and many of us have changed our priorities and lives as a result.

Not the best time to make a major decision about moving perhaps.

May not be much comfort, but plenty of people also lose their partners later in life, either they die or get a late divorce. So many people are having to face the prospect of that too.

Things are sometimes difficult being on your own, without that partner to do things with, however I for one have grown used to doing things on my own, and sometimes struggling with it, but at the end of the day being proud of my achievments.

I think you should be proud too.

Happy birthday!
I’m 35, and in Dudley, work from home and feeling similar. The worst is when you do think there might be a connection with someone and then it doesn’t work out. I ended things with someone (early days) the day before my birthday last month (aided and abetted by half of mumsnet) and spent the day walking round with a face like a slapped arse, so I feel your pain!

Having said that, I feel very strongly that I’d rather be single than in a relationship with the wrong person.
Look after yourself tonight, try to have something to look forward to in a few days - maybe a nice dinner or coffee with a mate, or a birthday present for yourself? The sort of takeaway you never order as it’s too expensive :)

In a few days, this sadness should pass xx

Happy Birthday

@hazelgrey

Happy birthday for posters sharing today

Please just do what makes you happy , if you move and you regretted it , nothing stopping you moving again

It sounds a bit like you might have to let yourself have a bit of a breakdown. Cry, admit things aren't working, talk more openly to friends and family. Just because you feel a bit invisible doesn't mean you are. Let those who love you know you aren't ok, and get talking to them.

Argh that quoted the wrong comment. I don't think you need to hazel grey, I meant OP!

Hi op, and happy birthday

I'm going to go at a slightly different angle...and no it's not about meeting the most amazing man on my 37th birthday..

I had a situanship going from the ages of 37-39, a great connection with someone but terrible timing/life stages...to cut a long story short, aged 39 this February I'd decided to pursue solo parenting, IVF with a sperm donor and have been extremely fortunate to fall pregnant on the first try...I didn't expect it to work as IVF has 70% or so failure rate and combined with my age it wasn't looking promising at all....
I'm now 31 weeks pregnant and the little one will be with me soon, in Dec!

I understand the pressure you're under. I can categorically say that the period between 36/37-39 has been the most agonizing, stressful and despairing of my life. I'd come home from dates feeling depressed, defeated watching my fertility wane month by month....I was so consumed by losing out on motherhood that I couldn't and probably didn't think straight (and really shouldn't have been dating)...and the situanship made it all so more confusing because I was secretly hoping he'd change his mind and we'd work out . I despised the fact I was 'waiting' for a man to have a child with
...for him to be ready (having spent almost 20 years of my life dating). I was married previously and have no interest to be married again.

One day in Feb I'd just had enough of the dating treadmill/the situanship and I made up my mind to try on my own... I did not want the lack of a man to rob me of this experience. It didn't seem fair. If IVF fails it fails, at least I've tried and took agency over this aspect of my life. I really loved the person I was involved in a situanship with for two years, but nothing/nobody was worth the sacrifice for a child. The money, mediation and the general hassle of IVF wasn't a walk in the park, but it was manageable.

What is about solo parenting that's making you not consider it? The stigma? How to manage on your own? Not aligning with the expected 'life script' as in man/marriage/children? I'm sorry you've suffered a miscarriage, that must have been really tough

Thanks for replies to my post. It’s helpful to read.

I’m massively struggling today, haven’t slept and just feel really hopeless. My much younger sister is settled down. My best friends are, bar one. All my colleagues. Everyday I feel so isolated and long to share my life with someone.

I honestly feel like i can’t face ankyher day, let alone years of this. I wake in the night thinking about it. Why have I never found someone. I’m old and washed up now and it feels like the end.