The worst birthday. How do I accept this?

[Ooohanother12]

It’s my birthday today, 37. I’m single. A few years ago I had a very early miscarriage with an awful man but it was horrible nonetheless and I had various checks afterwards only to be told that all seemed fine and I was good to go again. Except I wasn’t as ive not found anyone since where a relationship has developed. I don’t want to do it alone. Though I get why people do.

I’ve had lots of therapy. Probably made masses of mistakes with men in my twenties but I think I’m quite self aware. Im not unable to commit or to be open to someone in my life. The latest relationship lasted 18 months and i ended it because he thought I expected too much when I wanted us to talk about the future and moving in etc - I didn’t say I wanted to move in by x date. I had just raised it generally and it was clear it was not on his radar at all. This man was 43 and said on our first date that he wanted something serious and to settle down.

It just all feels very hopeless. I do scroll through the apps and I do make conversation when out with work etc. But I can’t deny I’m older now. I look older. I don’t feel like getting crazy drunk with someone or randomly flying off round the world. I don’t think I’m boring but I just want a quiet life with someone. The loneliness is crippling. And I have lots of friends and do lots of things. But it’s not the same.

I dread a future of more of this. No life to build with someone. Nobody to share it with. Nobody to wake up with in the morning.

I live in an area outside of Birmingham. It’s nice but basically a suburb where people commute. I want to move back to the countryside where I grew up but that almost feels like giving up on being in a busy place. That said, I work from home 3 days a week so really the location is maybe not relevant.

Not sure why I’m posting. Just very down today and like I’ve missed out on so much already.

@smugsparkle

you could always have your eggs frozen to give you more time.

but whatever you decide to do, I hope things start to improve for you xx

@smugsparkle

Egg freezing is still controversial (in terms of effectiveness), it depends on the clinic/Ops medical history... I did IVF so am familiar with some of the procedures.
This excerpt is from Tfp fertility clinic:

Sept 30, 2020
Egg freezing: A fashionable fad or the new normm?

In recent years, various celebrities have announced their choice to freeze their eggs while they are young in order to preserve their fertility. This has made the concept somewhat fashionable and with widening information on the subject and better access to affordable treatment, makes the whole concept seem more feasible to a range of women. However, like any life choice, there are benefits, drawbacks, and accompanying considerations.

Benefits

Most benefits of egg freezing are simply common sense due to egg quality declining after the peak in fertility. If eggs from your 20s are used when you are in your 30s or 40s, it improves your chance of conception and reduces the risk of genetic abnormality. For some, it can provide relief from the pressure of their ‘biological clock’, and allow them to focus on other things with peace of mind.

There is also the fact that your frozen eggs are solely your own, unlike frozen embryos, which have the risk of legally not being available for use if a partner doesn’t consent.

Choosing the right clinic and freezing method can boost your chances of successful a freeze and thaw. The vitrification method, used by TFP, is the latest method with the best survival rates. This is because it minimises ice crystal formation in the eggs, which would otherwise harm them irreversibly.

Drawbacks

Egg freezing is only relevant to women who fulfil certain criteria: those who have enough ovarian reserve, respond to stimulation and are young enough to provide good quality eggs.

In order to collect the eggs, the patient will generally need to undergo hormonal stimulation, similar to standard IVF treatment, to maximise the egg numbers. They will then have a minor surgical procedure to collect the eggs.

It is unlikely that all the eggs will survive freezing and retain good quality, lowering the total number that you can use.

Once thawed, the eggs still need to be successfully fertilised (whether through partner or donor sperm), and it is highly unlikely all will become viable embryos.

Due to the above drawbacks, despite constant improvements in success rates, frozen eggs do not guarantee the birth of a healthy child.

@FreeBritnee thanks. I think I know this on some level. I just feel totally battered by dating and relationships. I feel bruised, exhausted, sad, fed up, resentful. And I don’t have time to deal with all that, the reality is that those feelings are largely here to stay, even if I manage to dull them a little. It’s so hard. How did you keep at it?

I actually really enjoyed it 🤭

Lots of sex. Nice dinners. Then over time I was really only seeing two people and then just one. Youve got to go into it with fun in your mind, not a scrabble to find ‘the one’. Then you start to get a twinkle in your eye and feel quite desirable and before you know it you’re in an exclusive relationship.

I was very upfront from the beginning that I wanted children. So I’d also say be honest. No point in wasting time with men who are adamant they don’t want shy or they have enough already. Just bin them off and keep looking.

*any

@FreeBritnee the thing is I have done that. I’ve been like that about it. I feel I made mistakes with people in the past when all I want now is to be settled. I do make it clear at the start but never really feel that bothered about anyone. It takes me a while to find someone I’m actually bothered about. It’s all just such an effort and when it feels hopeless it’s hard to keep at it.

[quote FreeBritnee]**@FreeBritnee thanks. I think I know this on some level. I just feel totally battered by dating and relationships. I feel bruised, exhausted, sad, fed up, resentful. And I don’t have time to deal with all that, the reality is that those feelings are largely here to stay, even if I manage to dull them a little. It’s so hard. How did you keep at it?

I actually really enjoyed it 🤭

Lots of sex. Nice dinners. Then over time I was really only seeing two people and then just one. Youve got to go into it with fun in your mind, not a scrabble to find ‘the one’. Then you start to get a twinkle in your eye and feel quite desirable and before you know it you’re in an exclusive relationship.

I was very upfront from the beginning that I wanted children. So I’d also say be honest. No point in wasting time with men who are adamant they don’t want shy or they have enough already. Just bin them off and keep looking.[/quote]
Many of us have been upfront about it @FreeBritnee and it still resulted in wasted time. You are aware that some men say anything in order to 'lock the relationship down' (because they want company/sex?), maybe even in that moment feel they do want these things but don't actually take it through in to the future? Anyone can say anything band agree to anything at the very start. It doesn't mean much. They're just words.

Instead of moving back to the countryside, have you considered moving to the city centre for a year or two - easier to get out and meet people, easier to go on dates etc? Less commuting time so more time for hobbies?

@dapsnotplimsolls I think there would be more going on but the idea of being in a city is the opposite of what I want so I would be doing it purely to meet more people. Which seems sad in itself. I don’t know.

I feel so old and washed up and like it’s all over for a future I wanted.

@anthurium indeed! I'm always quite baffled by women who think the key is just to say what you want, as if the rest of us don't do that! as you say, so many men will just say anything to get what they want, and be very convincing about it too. If they think you'll only date them if there's a prospect of marriage/kids then of course they'll pretend to want that too.