The worst birthday. How do I accept this?

[Ooohanother12]

It’s my birthday today, 37. I’m single. A few years ago I had a very early miscarriage with an awful man but it was horrible nonetheless and I had various checks afterwards only to be told that all seemed fine and I was good to go again. Except I wasn’t as ive not found anyone since where a relationship has developed. I don’t want to do it alone. Though I get why people do.

I’ve had lots of therapy. Probably made masses of mistakes with men in my twenties but I think I’m quite self aware. Im not unable to commit or to be open to someone in my life. The latest relationship lasted 18 months and i ended it because he thought I expected too much when I wanted us to talk about the future and moving in etc - I didn’t say I wanted to move in by x date. I had just raised it generally and it was clear it was not on his radar at all. This man was 43 and said on our first date that he wanted something serious and to settle down.

It just all feels very hopeless. I do scroll through the apps and I do make conversation when out with work etc. But I can’t deny I’m older now. I look older. I don’t feel like getting crazy drunk with someone or randomly flying off round the world. I don’t think I’m boring but I just want a quiet life with someone. The loneliness is crippling. And I have lots of friends and do lots of things. But it’s not the same.

I dread a future of more of this. No life to build with someone. Nobody to share it with. Nobody to wake up with in the morning.

I live in an area outside of Birmingham. It’s nice but basically a suburb where people commute. I want to move back to the countryside where I grew up but that almost feels like giving up on being in a busy place. That said, I work from home 3 days a week so really the location is maybe not relevant.

Not sure why I’m posting. Just very down today and like I’ve missed out on so much already.

Am 38 & happily single.
You want to move to the countryside? Do it!
Nothing tying you down, you should live in a place you love.
You seem to have this idealised concept that happiness = being in a relationship.
One scroll on Mumsnet will prove this is simply not the case.

You seem to be giving yourself a hard time here!

You don't want to go out but don't want to be labelled "boring"

You want to move to the countryside but don't want to be seen as "giving up" on city life

You need to find a way to embrace what you love & be proud of it!

Loving a peaceful, quiet night in doesn't make you boring. Even if you are boring, who cares? You don't actually sound bored, just scared of being labelled that.

If you don't want kids solo then look into creating meaning in other ways, through your work or pet ownership.

I can guarantee you OP that if you had the partner you dream of, kids you want & were stuck at home as a skivvy with a partner not pulling their weight you wouldn't be happy.

Just because people are "settled" does not mean they are Happy. In many cases, people "settle" for an easy life too & "settle" for someone they aren't actually deeply in love with.

Your much younger sister may privately regret settling down so soon. Maybe they wonder if that person was the right one for them but now stuck with kids & feel to0 much guilt to leave.

Most married/long term committed people are likely not going to tell you the ins & outs of their marital issues.

You are looking at people's Instagram lives & comparing it to your own reality.

Also think about what you're saying - you're washed up & old. Would you say that to a 45 year old woman? A 50 or 60 year old woman? Why not?

You either get older or you die. You can always get older & you can only die once.

I hope you can start to challenge your negative spiral of thinking stop defining yourself by whether some guy is in a relationship with you.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this!

You cannot control who you meet when/how long the relationship would last etc. I do know intellectually that society revers and exalts relationships, but I know emotionally that a relationship isn't the panacea it's made out to be. I was married so know you can be with someone and lonely, dissatisfied, feel unfulfilled.

You haven't answered anthurium's post, why wouldn't you consider solo parenting, what are your reasons for it?

I agree with @smoko

You need to find a way to create more meaning...

Oh sweetheart, you're not old. You can't possibly be, because I'm 20 years older than you and I'm still a youngster!

You're so hard on yourself, I'll bet you a fiver you'd never speak about one of your friends or family the way you speak about yourself.

I don't have any useful advice to give and lots of people have commented already, so I'll just send you a little hug from a small, chunky Scottish woman.

It’s not that I think a relationship is everything. I don’t. I just want to share my life with someone, that’s all. I know a relationship doesn’t make things perfect. I’m lonely and no friendship, family or hobby or work fills that. It’s still a lonely life.

Thanks @CarrieMoonbeams I’m just so sad I can’t wake up next to someone and talk about my day and their day. I love having a relationship and I don’t see it as everything, it’s not, but it’s not lonely like life is without it.

Op in your shoes I’d do 2 things
1 I’d do the things in your life that make you happy. Move. Go with the hobbies you love. A pet if that’s what you would like.

2 I’d join a dating site or agency that you have to pay for. There’s no guarantee of meeting someone but I feel you’d be more likely to - either through the agency or through all the other changes to your life.

Loneliness is tough to deal with. Being lonely in a relationship that isn’t working is also tough.
Best wishes

The issue here Op is that you have intertwined the concepts of being lonely = not having someone to share life with/wake up next to them/share news about each other's day. This is assuming all else in the relationship is good, so these things are a bonus.

You said your last relationship lasted 18 months, did you have all of the things you described above? They are pretty trivial.... Because the man in question did not want to move in/cohabit with you....the important things.

Maybe you need to adjust your expectations with men, adjust the idea of a 'life script'..don't seek out long-term serious/cohabitation/marriage/children, because what you're describing 'ability sharing my life with someone, you could, in theory, get from an exclusive/monogamous FWB arrangement - I got all that you described (checking in with each other/texting/calling/meeting up etc.). The situanship didn't progress because I'd wanted children so it ended.

The only thing I can suggest, based on your ‘fly around the world’ comment, is to try and open yourself up to people from more varied walks of life. The ‘scene’ in Birmingham is generally very good without having to go to nightclubs. (Not that there is anything wrong with that)

Spend some time in Moseley, Kings Heath, Jewellery quarter. Try going to cafes, bars, galleries on your own and soaking up the culture as I think you need to feel comfortable living with yourself again.

Advice my DH gives me is not to start thinking you are old when you are young. You’re not as young as you were in your twenties but you are certainly not old. Best of luck.

@Ooohanother12

Happy birthday everyone

@dapsnotplimsolls my close friends are scattered in Manchester, Leeds, London, etc. I have one close friend in Birmingham but there’s nothing tying me to the place friend wise. Back in the countryside I would be in a similar situation as I am now where friends are concerned - I would still travel to see them and them to me.

@Suzi888 I’ve done a singles trip, it was great. I did enjoy it but I would still have preferred to have been home with someone! So it’s a good filler but not the answer to wanting to share things with someone. I do online dating and I do try and chat to people but work takes up a lot of my time so clubs etc are not easy to join. Ironically there is probably more social stuff going on in the countryside than where I am now - a busy commuter place, quite pricey but not a hub of community.

I understand. It is exhausting to keep putting yourself out there. Is there a more expensive match maker type service?

My advice, the advice that worked for me was to get on as many dating sites you can and date, date, date. Get out there. Meet men. Really look at their profiles and weedle out the time wasters. Most of the time you can see their personality through their photos. I was very similar to you, same age, wanted a quiet life with someone who had similar interests. I found him and we now have two children.

I wouldn’t have found him if I’d given up though. You’ve got to work at finding him and get out there.

@Tilltheend99

The only thing I can suggest, based on your ‘fly around the world’ comment, is to try and open yourself up to people from more varied walks of life. The ‘scene’ in Birmingham is generally very good without having to go to nightclubs. (Not that there is anything wrong with that)

Spend some time in Moseley, Kings Heath, Jewellery quarter. Try going to cafes, bars, galleries on your own and soaking up the culture as I think you need to feel comfortable living with yourself again.

Advice my DH gives me is not to start thinking you are old when you are young. You’re not as young as you were in your twenties but you are certainly not old. Best of luck.

You're not old at 37 (not for hanging out in bars/nightclubs/pubs!) however if you're thinking about having children it really isn't young, you're approaching the tail end of your fertility, and may need assistance with conceiving.... Op really ought to do some fertility checks to see where she stands with it...

However Op seems rather reluctant to explain why she wouldn't look in to solo parenting...

Move to the country and get a dog! You might meet someone while out dog walking and if not you'll still have a lovely dog

@FreeBritnee

My advice, the advice that worked for me was to get on as many dating sites you can and date, date, date. Get out there. Meet men. Really look at their profiles and weedle out the time wasters. Most of the time you can see their personality through their photos. I was very similar to you, same age, wanted a quiet life with someone who had similar interests. I found him and we now have two children.

I wouldn’t have found him if I’d given up though. You’ve got to work at finding him and get out there.

@FreeBritnee thanks. I think I know this on some level. I just feel totally battered by dating and relationships. I feel bruised, exhausted, sad, fed up, resentful. And I don’t have time to deal with all that, the reality is that those feelings are largely here to stay, even if I manage to dull them a little. It’s so hard. How did you keep at it?

@FreeBritnee

My advice, the advice that worked for me was to get on as many dating sites you can and date, date, date. Get out there. Meet men. Really look at their profiles and weedle out the time wasters. Most of the time you can see their personality through their photos. I was very similar to you, same age, wanted a quiet life with someone who had similar interests. I found him and we now have two children.

I wouldn’t have found him if I’d given up though. You’ve got to work at finding him and get out there.

Sorry, how does one 'see' one's personality through their photos?! You do know that dating apps are designed to keep us on there for as long as possible, and that the success rate of long term relationships/marriages are extremely small (akin to winning the lottery)... it's a random occurance who you meet on there - luck of the draw/timing. And this is coming from someone who'd met an ex partner on Tinder and I don't believe his photos or any one else's had anything to do with their 'personalities' apart from the initial you look attractive or not criteria.

@anthurium I appreciate your post and taking the time to give your advice but with respect, I have not questioned the steps you took in that way, and I don’t know why you need to question mine? I think it’s great people do that but it’s not what I want. It’s not because I have a fairytale idea of how I want things to but. I just don’t want to do that alone, that’s all. It works for some but it’s not for me. I can’t really explain it any other way.

*things to be

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I could have written this myself 5 years ago. I was so, so lonely. Coupled with that that my friends lived a long way away and no close family.

I found the love of my life through a dating app and 90% of people I know who met in their 30s did. I approached it with business-like tenancity - I just kept telling myself that I only needed to meet one good man. Just one. I met 1-2 a week and tried to meet them ASAP after messaging, as there's no point otherwise. You could always tell after 5 minutes, so the awful thing was that it was mostly a huge waste of time.

When I met DH, I knew immediately that it could be it. My overwhelming feeling was relief! Relief that I would never have to date again!

Best of luck with everything xx

[quote Ooohanother12]@anthurium I appreciate your post and taking the time to give your advice but with respect, I have not questioned the steps you took in that way, and I don’t know why you need to question mine? I think it’s great people do that but it’s not what I want. It’s not because I have a fairytale idea of how I want things to but. I just don’t want to do that alone, that’s all. It works for some but it’s not for me. I can’t really explain it any other way.[/quote]
@Ooohanother12
It's a common fear I've heard from women (not wanting to explore parenthood on their own) because 'they just don't want to do it alone'.

Thanks for responding. In that case you need to accept that you really might end up childless and whether this will be something that you end up regretting 5/10/15 years down the line.

And good luck with dating, I hope you find what you're looking for partner & relationship wise !

Other people's (perceived) success really doesn't mean much to others - it isn't a meritocracy exercise. Plenty of people spend years on the dating apps and end up with no desired outcome, others are on it a day and find what they were looking for...so what does that say about the probability of meeting someone? Nothing concrete. Give them a go if you have a thick skin and don't take the whole thing too seriously!

And then again.
.there's the inevitable will the relationship last even though you meet someone/marry them... Check out the separation/divorce board on MN it makes for a sobering read...and some of these people met under 'organically' through school/college/university/on a night out. There are simply no guarantees any relationship will work out long term (there is plenty of settling though/compromise which of course nobody wants to admit to) again check out the separation/divorce board where 'I can't leave because I can't afford life alone/don't want to be alone (have to go back on the apps)/will lose the marital home etc etc

Thanks @anthurium i think it’s a great thing to do but I just can’t see it working in my life for me. I despise dating though these days and don’t hold out much hope! Thanks for the good wishes x

you could always have your eggs frozen to give you more time.

but whatever you decide to do, I hope things start to improve for you xx

@Ooohanother12 Happy belated birthday!

I met my DH at 40 and I wouldn’t change a f**king thing. Every day on my own, every dinner party where it was all couple and me, every NY where you say “this year…” was worth it and it’s all ended absolutely PERFECT.

Now, I genuinely loved being single (though often wished I had a partner - the two aren’t mutually exclusive). I loved the freedom, the time alone, the time with friends, the travel, the fact I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I made myself a brilliant life, so that if I didn’t ever meet anyone I’d be very happy anyway. AND if your life is awesome no one can f**k it up - any partner worth keeping will only make a good life better.

11 days after buying my “forever home”/bachelor pad, DH and I had our first date.

Sure, you’re “older” than 25, of course you look older. You are. But you aren’t OLD. You’re not over the hill or past it. You are alive and therefore you have time to achieve everything you want.

Ultimately I didn’t meet my DH through online dating, but I had a theory that the odds greatly improved if you cast your net wide. So I used to set up “date weeks” where I’d meet a guy every night, just for one drink (I’d tell them this in advance) and see if any resulted in a second date (or a new wing man - I still have a dozen FB friends who were past online dates).

I get how you feel, but this is all about reframing where you are and getting yourself where you want to be by channeling that sadness into action and appreciation for what you have. Sending you lots of love. Xxxx