Different love languages but I'm struggling with it

coolcahuna · 2021-10-17T14:16:06+00:00

So I've been with my boyfriend just over 2 years and it's been great and we really click. We said how we felt around the six month mark and told each other that we love each other, all good. Fast forward to now and I think he's literally said it twice since then in passing. I say it more and he responds positively but it's making me hold back from saying it as it feels like I'm forcing it. I've spoken to him about it and he's said he shows his love rather than saying it...which I do feel but also a girl needs to hear it from time to time also. Got the same issue with compliments, non existent so I've also been giving him way less compliments as it's just awkward. So just doesnt feel great as i feel like I'm not being myself and holding back.[confused] Just not sure what to do, it's a great relationship in all other aspects including the physical side. I'm thinking I need to raise it again and explain how this is making me feel.

Tranquilitybasehotelandcasino · 17/10/2021 15:39

Even though things feel ok in other aspects of your relationship, it is difficult to have differences like that. He is what he is and you aren’t going to behave in the same way. I don’t think he will change and if he does, it’s likely to be short lived or feel like you’ve forced him into it. For someone that likes to hear those words and affirmations of the way he feels, it will mean you either say your bit anyway and accept you won’t get it back or you do what you’re already doing and change your behaviour to match his....either way, you won’t feel good. Just because some things are good, it doesn’t mean you’re ultimately compatible. If there are fundamental things that make you unhappy and you’re essentially on two very different pages, maybe you’d be better off starting again. Life is too short to be unhappy.

ProfileInsteadOf · 17/10/2021 15:50

Been there.. it wore me down and I felt jealous of my friends who got to enjoy compliments and romance. It might be silly/ unnecessary to others but to me it was really important to hear compliments and I got absolutely none, not even on my wedding day (and we eloped so it was just the two of us, I had nobody else to tell me I looked nice)
He did tell me he loved me but no compliments, no gifts, no cards, no effort to plan things etc
I think the Love Languages is useful but for me it was not enough, I still wanted my ex to do little things, even if they were not important to him, because they WERE important to me, and he didn't/ wouldn't no matter how many times I told him.
This was not the reason we split by the way but the same intransigence/ inflexibility/ unwillingness to listen played out in bigger ways too.

SortingItOut · 17/10/2021 16:10

The whole point of love languages is to do what your partner wants/needs even if you personally don't see the point and its not your love language.

Its about wanting to do the best by your partner (but not being a skivvy if his love language is acts of service😂)

EarthSight · 17/10/2021 16:47

This whole love languages thing is just a theory remember. We're not talking hard science or 2 + 2= 4 here.

I wonder how many people (let's face it, women) often stay in unsuitable relationships because they are convinced that their partner has a different 'love language' to themselves, and therefore they should put up with a lack of affection. Maybe it's because I don't hang around on men's relationship boards, but I don't hear of men coping with their needs not being met by talking about their partner's love language in this way.

Instead of agonising over how your partner expresses himself, have you considered that the reason why he doesn't say it is because he just doesn't feel love as strongly as you do, therefore he doesn't feel the need to say it. There are lots of men like this - they definitely want a partner, might be very loyal and committed, are happy to help out when you need it, but they don't really love their partners in the way their partners want to be loved. They might feel a mild affection, but not the deep intimacy and care their partner might want. That's why a lot of women end up in relationships or marriages where their husbands seem happy and content enough to plod along like housemates, to not connect very much unless they want sex or want someone to watch the TV with.

If he wanted to compliment you OP, he would. It's not really the same is it when you have ask someone to say nice things to you. It's a bit scary to think of it in this way, but as I said, it might because he simply doesn't feel or think those positive things strongly enough in the first place, rather than it being a love languages thing.

TheFoundations · 17/10/2021 16:55

So just doesnt feel great as i feel like I'm not being myself and holding back

He doesn't meet your needs. Have you told him how important this is to you? That's all you can do. If he knows he's at risk of losing you, and he still can't bring himself to say those 3 little words every now and again, then he doesn't want you enough.

Saying 'we have different love languages' isn't an excuse for a relationship in which you don't get what you need. It's a call to action. It's fine if his love language is German and yours is Swahili, but unless one of you changes something, you're simply not communicating.

Either you have to recognise his language, or he has to start using yours.

vdbfamily · 17/10/2021 17:11

I have been married nearly 20 years and could count on one hand the amount of times my DH had SAID he loves me but he shows me he lives me and that is great more important. He is loyal and kind. He brings me coffee in bed and makes my porridge every morning. He does not shout at me. He is respectful.
I don't need to hear the words. The words are easy but really loving someone is a lifetime of work.
This will never change so you need to decide if you can cope with it.
I personally cringe whenever I hear people saying love you love you every 5 minutes. It starts to really lose its meaning.

TheFoundations · 17/10/2021 18:00

That's all about you, @vdbfamily

It can change for OP and her partner, absolutely it can.

GreyCarpet · 17/10/2021 18:13

@EarthSight

This whole love languages thing is just a theory remember. We're not talking hard science or 2 + 2= 4 here.

I wonder how many people (let's face it, women) often stay in unsuitable relationships because they are convinced that their partner has a different 'love language' to themselves, and therefore they should put up with a lack of affection. Maybe it's because I don't hang around on men's relationship boards, but I don't hear of men coping with their needs not being met by talking about their partner's love language in this way.

Instead of agonising over how your partner expresses himself, have you considered that the reason why he doesn't say it is because he just doesn't feel love as strongly as you do, therefore he doesn't feel the need to say it. There are lots of men like this - they definitely want a partner, might be very loyal and committed, are happy to help out when you need it, but they don't really love their partners in the way their partners want to be loved. They might feel a mild affection, but not the deep intimacy and care their partner might want. That's why a lot of women end up in relationships or marriages where their husbands seem happy and content enough to plod along like housemates, to not connect very much unless they want sex or want someone to watch the TV with.

If he wanted to compliment you OP, he would. It's not really the same is it when you have ask someone to say nice things to you. It's a bit scary to think of it in this way, but as I said, it might because he simply doesn't feel or think those positive things strongly enough in the first place, rather than it being a love languages thing.

Absolutely agree with this.

TumtumTree · 17/10/2021 18:17

I have the same thing with DH - he very rarely says "I love you" first (although he always responds with "I love you too" if I say it first). As you say, he shows his love through actions instead.

We've been together for 24 years, so clearly I've decided that I can put up with it, but you may need to make a different decision if it bothers you a lot OP.

Original poster

coolcahuna · 17/10/2021 21:43

Thanks all, I really appreciate these insights and yes reading all this I think he does love me but perhaps not deeply so doesn't feel the need to say it as he's not really feeling it. He does show it in lots of ways. It's possibly the compliments that are bothering me more as these used to be alot more plentiful so it's a change in behaviour.

So either a case of taking things for granted or it's worn off for him.

I think I need to make it clear how important this is to me to him and make a decision if it's not happening or if it feels false.

OP posts:

Original poster

coolcahuna · 17/10/2021 21:52

Thanks all really appreciate the comments

OP posts:

Viddy2021 · 18/10/2021 00:22

How does he show it exactly?

Avarua · 18/10/2021 00:28

Follow what he DOES carefully; not what he says.

TonyThreePies · 18/10/2021 00:42

@Avarua

Follow what he DOES carefully; not what he says.

Absolutely this. My exH used to say I love you all the time and expect it to be said back. It became meaningless after a while to me, it was just words and expectation. My DP now doesn't say it very often, but when he does it means so much, he says it at important times not just because. He doesn't compliment me much either, which I used to find difficult but I can see it in his face when I walk into the room having dressed up, he looks so happy and proud. I can feel his love and I can see it in his face too. If I didn't get that then I'd be out.

WTF475878237NC · 18/10/2021 00:46

I agree that other people's relationships have no bearing on this. The point is you have a partner who can't be bothered to try to show you love in the way you have asked for. If I feel loved by someone mowing the lawn and cooking dinner for me but they just say I love you I wouldn't feel good either. It is all about what your love languages are (ie your needs) and whether he wants to make you feel his love.

Lana07 · 18/10/2021 01:41

My husbands writes on my birthdays & our Wedding Anniversaries cards he loves me. So I get it twice a year in writing :).

He took me to worked and picked me up on Friday:

Me: Thank you my Lovely, have a nice day. I love you

He smiled.

Me: Please say you love me back

He started teasing me looking away and mumbling it I could hardly hear it.

Me: Please say it properly & romantically looking in my eyes! :)

He does show it with actions. He said it for the first 2 years then every time I Really want to hear it I have to ask him.

Thank God we are happy for 16 years, have a 14 y.o. son, great lifestyle, holidays, and great sex life. It's just not his love language but he is my best in everything.

Lana07 · 18/10/2021 01:42

*He took me to work.

Original poster

coolcahuna · 18/10/2021 08:08

He's said he's one to show love and not say it. He is good with communication, texts and calls. He gets in my favourite wine, he remembers things that are important and checks in. He gives me flowers and is affectionate. But, the fact he's not listening to what I need is the issue which I can see alot more clearly now. I don't want constant declarations but an occasional well meant I love you is what I need. Otherwise despite actions, I doubt it's real.

The compliments I'm wondering if he realises how much this has dwindled. I told him he looked good on an evening out and he just said thanks. I called him out on this and he later on told me I looked nice but it felt unnatural.

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Hopeisallineed · 18/10/2021 08:14

No idea what ‘love language’ is but if you are not happy with the amount of attention or verbal accolades you are expecting then you need to talk to him.

Original poster

coolcahuna · 18/10/2021 08:17

@Hopeisallineed

No idea what ‘love language’ is but if you are not happy with the amount of attention or verbal accolades you are expecting then you need to talk to him.

Exactly this. Thankyou.

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AnnaMagnani · 18/10/2021 08:24

Is he loving?

You could have a partner who says 'I love you' multiple times a day but is a controlling shit or a lazy cocklodger.

Or you could have my DH who said it once, never again and when I asked him said 'well I'd let you know if the situation changed'

Day to day is he a loving and caring partner? Because that is more important than saying the words.

Newgirls · 18/10/2021 08:28

He prob wasn’t given compliments or told he was loved as a kid. So he isn’t used to it. If he shows love through other ways like you say then he is doing what he can. But it’s ok if it’s not right for you - he might be able to improve for your benefit. Mine was never really into birthdays but now loves the fuss etc - they just didn’t do them in his family

AlbertBridge · 18/10/2021 08:38

All the men I know who are happily married act in the way EarthSight describes. The men I know who are with a "good enough" partner are much lazier: no proposal, "careful" with money, slack with chores.

I don't think the lack of verbal mushiness is the no. 1 sign of lukewarm affection. There'll be other signs too. You definitely get strong silent types. But yes, it can be ONE of the signs.

AlbertBridge · 18/10/2021 08:40

Actually, after 2 years I'd be more concerned with no practical action to move to commitment. So no proposal, no future plans, no desire to move to the next stage. That's the stuff that would give me pause.

Is that stuff happening? Don't waste more than 2 years on a man who's not committed.

LowlyTheWorm · 18/10/2021 08:40

Honestly? You sound like you want him to shore up your insecurities. If he complimented you on your looks all the time isn’t that a bit shallow? Isn’t that showing he values you for what you look like rather than who you are? My husband didn’t even notice when I lost 2 stones (on purpose not through illness) but you know what? That’s bloody great because my worth and my value aren’t based on my looks or my weight. When I’m fat and old he will still love me and I know that.
You doubting his love that he shows you in actions is real is YOUR issue too. Your insecurity and based on you thinking that words mean proof. They don’t. The biggest cheats in the world will declare their u dying love. It’s meaningless.
I think you have a keeper but you’re going to push him away.