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Original poster

Different love languages but I'm struggling with it

55 replies

coolcahuna · 17/10/2021 15:16

So I've been with my boyfriend just over 2 years and it's been great and we really click. We said how we felt around the six month mark and told each other that we love each other, all good.

Fast forward to now and I think he's literally said it twice since then in passing. I say it more and he responds positively but it's making me hold back from saying it as it feels like I'm forcing it. I've spoken to him about it and he's said he shows his love rather than saying it...which I do feel but also a girl needs to hear it from time to time also. Got the same issue with compliments, non existent so I've also been giving him way less compliments as it's just awkward. So just doesnt feel great as i feel like I'm not being myself and holding back.Confused

Just not sure what to do, it's a great relationship in all other aspects including the physical side. I'm thinking I need to raise it again and explain how this is making me feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
coolcahuna · 18/10/2021 08:47

Due to kids and locations of schools we can't live together for another couple of years but we've discussed it and it's our plan to make this happen. I'm comfortable with that, the kids are the priority for the next few years.

Maybe I am feeling a little insecure and I need to work on that and I need to talk to him about being a bit more verbal. I'd like to give him more compliments, it just feels so weird to never receive any back.

OP posts:
Original poster
coolcahuna · 18/10/2021 08:51

By compliments, I mean 'you look nice' after making an effort for a night out. Not declarations.

OP posts:
OliviaSquid · 18/10/2021 08:51

You want to change him and you find him lacking. I'm not one for endless compliments and intense ' I love yous' but I'm happily manage to be happily married

All seems a bit like pressure to me and I feel for him a bit. Maybe take that pressure off, I don't see how you can insist about being told more nice things without him feeling all forced

Original poster
coolcahuna · 18/10/2021 08:57

@OliviaSquid

You want to change him and you find him lacking. I'm not one for endless compliments and intense ' I love yous' but I'm happily manage to be happily married

All seems a bit like pressure to me and I feel for him a bit. Maybe take that pressure off, I don't see how you can insist about being told more nice things without him feeling all forced

Yep. I'm torn between saying something and just leaving it for a bit and seeing what happens naturally as it will just feel really forced.
OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 18/10/2021 09:04

He's told you he loves you twice in passing in two years. I can't believe other posters are telling you you have an Insecurity issue here and are pressuring him. Someone who does jobs round the house but doesn't use loving words to sustain an intimate connection sounds like a handyman not a romantic partner to me.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 18/10/2021 09:09

I'm not sure I've understood correctly, but is the expectation that he changes to meet your needs rather than you change to meet his? And that's OK?

Lana07 · 18/10/2021 09:16

@Hopeisallineed

No idea what ‘love language’ is but if you are not happy with the amount of attention or verbal accolades you are expecting then you need to talk to him.
Lana07 · 18/10/2021 09:17

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

I'm not sure I've understood correctly, but is the expectation that he changes to meet your needs rather than you change to meet his? And that's OK?
Both people should compromise for happy relations to try to make each other happy.
Lana07 · 18/10/2021 09:19

@WTF475878237NC

He's told you he loves you twice in passing in two years. I can't believe other posters are telling you you have an Insecurity issue here and are pressuring him. Someone who does jobs round the house but doesn't use loving words to sustain an intimate connection sounds like a handyman not a romantic partner to me.
Then one of your main love languages is 'Words of Affirmation'
Lana07 · 18/10/2021 09:21

I would talk to him directly if it was bothering me.

For happy relations, we all need to learn open and honest communication expressing our true feelings and emotions in a respectful way.

Hopeisallineed · 18/10/2021 10:05

@Lana07 sounds like a load of waffle but whatever floats your boat. 😂 I think if you aren’t getting what you need though OP, you should think about leaving. This isn’t going to change, especially not after having kids.

Lana07 · 18/10/2021 10:07

[quote Hopeisallineed]@Lana07 sounds like a load of waffle but whatever floats your boat. 😂 I think if you aren’t getting what you need though OP, you should think about leaving. This isn’t going to change, especially not after having kids.[/quote]
I am very happy in my lovely marriage.

I know what to do myself.

gannett · 18/10/2021 10:08

How does he show you he loves you? How does he follow through on his love language?

I find both saying and hearing "I love you" an awkward experience. Luckily for me, so does DP, so it's a rare occurrence and we're both fine with that. Almost certainly to do with emotionally cold upbringings but whatever. So I can't really relate to needing to hear it. But at the same time I haven't doubted that DP loves me in a whole decade because he shows it every day.

As PP have said love languages is a vague theory, not scientific, but the point I take from it is that it's about compromise. If your partner tells you they need X to feel valued then you try to give them X even if it doesn't come naturally. At the same time if you want X, but they show you they value you through Y, when you don't get as much X as you want you remember it's not personal, it's their personality (that you presumably fell in love with anyway).

And if you really need X and they really can't/won't give you as much of it as you need, you are free to weigh up the positives and negatives of the relationship and choose to leave.

Lana07 · 18/10/2021 10:09

I didn't ask for advice on my relations.

Hopeisallineed · 18/10/2021 10:12

@Lana07 I didn’t give it. If you read my post it says OP.

Lana07 · 18/10/2021 10:14

@gannett

How does he show you he loves you? How does he follow through on his love language?

I find both saying and hearing "I love you" an awkward experience. Luckily for me, so does DP, so it's a rare occurrence and we're both fine with that. Almost certainly to do with emotionally cold upbringings but whatever. So I can't really relate to needing to hear it. But at the same time I haven't doubted that DP loves me in a whole decade because he shows it every day.

As PP have said love languages is a vague theory, not scientific, but the point I take from it is that it's about compromise. If your partner tells you they need X to feel valued then you try to give them X even if it doesn't come naturally. At the same time if you want X, but they show you they value you through Y, when you don't get as much X as you want you remember it's not personal, it's their personality (that you presumably fell in love with anyway).

And if you really need X and they really can't/won't give you as much of it as you need, you are free to weigh up the positives and negatives of the relationship and choose to leave.

Yes, I agree.

It's a theory that works 100% in life and everyone in relations can prove it it's true.

If it works in life, it's only a matter of time it becomes scientific very soon.

randomthings · 18/10/2021 10:15

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

I'm not sure I've understood correctly, but is the expectation that he changes to meet your needs rather than you change to meet his? And that's OK?
Oh come on! This is basically telling women that their expectations should be zero. And that they meet their men's needs by never expecting their men to do anything they would like them to.

In healthy relationships, you let yourself be influenced by your partner.
Paying compliments is a very simple way and easy way to allow yourself to be influenced by your partner. If he won't do something so simple I would expect this refusal to listen to you or meet your basic needs to manifest more and more as your relationship progresses.

Hopeisallineed · 18/10/2021 10:15

‘If it works in life, it's only a matter of time it becomes scientific very soon.’ Classic MN utter nonsense. 🤣

Lana07 · 18/10/2021 10:18

@Hopeisallineed

I didn't ask to undermine my opinion either.

We all have a right to our personal opinion without being judged.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 18/10/2021 10:25

I wonder how many people (let's face it, women) often stay in unsuitable relationships because they are convinced that their partner has a different 'love language' to themselves, and therefore they should put up with a lack of affection. Maybe it's because I don't hang around on men's relationship boards, but I don't hear of men coping with their needs not being met by talking about their partner's love language in this way.

But this is the precise opposite of the point of love languages, isn't it? The whole idea is to recognise that your partner may have a different primary love language to you so that you can then start "speaking" it to them. If a partner is aware of your needs in a relationship and ignores them then I completely agree (as I suspect would Gary. Chapman, the author of the Five Love Languages book) that they are a crap partner.

WorryMcGee · 18/10/2021 10:27

My husband is like this and always has been for the whole 11 years we have been together. He shows that he loves me by doing things for me - like moving in temporarily when we’d only been together a month because he wanted to make sure I was okay after I’d unexpectedly needed surgery, he did all the cooking/cleaning/running round after my parents when they came to visit (which is how they first met him 😂) he also does very thoughtful things randomly, not just stuff around the house etc. He’ll plan surprises or buy little presents etc. He is always thinking of me, he is my best friend and many people say we are the strongest couple they know. I know how much he loves me. All that being said…he very rarely says “I love you” and is not particularly “cuddly”, especially in public - unless I am upset about something or in pain. I am fine with it, because I have been in too many relationships where they do say and do all these things but are actually arseholes 😬 and I am not a massively “romantic” person either, but I can totally understand how it would be upsetting if you were and it’s not wrong to need that to feel truly loved. Only you can know if it’s a dealbreaker.

Hopeisallineed · 18/10/2021 10:33

@Lana07 firstly, as I said once already, I was referring to the OP in the second half of my first post, which you took umbrage too and didn’t apologise for byw and secondly, I’m perfectly entitled to call out BS when I see it and your statement was nonsense, that’s not how ‘science’ works. I think if there’s a problem in the relationship, let’s stick to the facts and not spout some rubbish about love languages, then try and pass it off as potential scientific theory. You may as well say their horoscopes don’t match.

AlbertBridge · 18/10/2021 13:37

I recently revamped my appearance. Lost weight, got a different haircut, updated my clothes. I was in a rut and felt minging so I changed. My DH loved me before and after but he definitely says, "You look lovely!" more often now. Similarly I only truly feel moved to say how gorgeous he looks when he's wearing certain clothes, and hasn't just had his hair cut. 😆

Could it be that he doesn't think you look as good now as he did back in the days when he was being more complimentary? I mean, have you changed how you look? It could just be that.

Marvellousmadness · 18/10/2021 13:48

So. Its a "great relationship " except for the fact he doesn't ever tell you that he loves you and never gives you compliments. And you have to tone down who you are to feel like there is a more balanced scale...

He might know your favourite wine and remembers all important dates. But if he can't meet your needs... and you don't feel happy because of it... then that to me isn't a "great relationship "

And this is after 2 years. So this won't change unfortunately

MMmomDD · 18/10/2021 14:17

OP - people are different. And they need, want different things.
I can relate to how he is - I am like that myself. Constant declarations of love to me are pointless and lose any meaning. People finishing their phone conversations with ‘love yous’ feel to be on some autopilot.

I’d much rather have someone who’d be there when I needed them; be considerate; accepted and supported me; thought and planned out our future.
There are plenty of men out there who say all the worlds you want but don’t back it up with actual actions.

As to compliments - I’d does seem like you are insecure about your appearance.
If he told you every time you go out - you look great - it again becomes a habit. Rather than actual reality.
You can make it into a big deal and end an otherwise good relationship because he doesn’t prop up your insecurities.
Or you can - work on yourself; accept him as he is and instead ask/tell him when you feel like you really can’t live without affirmation.
‘Do you like this new dress?’, etc