Men who choose work over family

[3lilbirds]

So my relationship of more than a decade is ending. Has ended? In a conversation last night he told me that he is not coming back to the house. This is after I told him that if he keeps treating me like I'm invisible I don't want him here. He has been badly impacted by lockdown, pressures on his business etc etc and we had a baby at the beginning of lockdown, our third.

But honestly, I think he can't handle the pressures of being a father. His own father left his family, and they were pretty destitute. He seems to think as long as his business is surviving and he can contribute money to the children he's doing well as a father (as in compared to his own, which is true, but it's a low bar), and he talks about 'legacy' for them and their future. He truly thinks if the kids hardly see him now, they'll forgive him when he can drop millions in their lap at age 25 or something.

But, I he also says 'if it wasn't for the kids, I would work all the time, no breaks, my business would be my life'.

He says lots of other stuff, but I can only sum it up as what I understand - he is choosing the business over family, and tells himself it's not selfish or ego-driven because he's doing it for the kids (Though yes, he says if it wasn't for the kids he'd be even more on it!).

He says he no longer 'loves' me, and I think at least huge part of it is that he resents me for having the kids who are the reason he cannot work all hours. I didn't;t hoodwink him with any of our kids. I wasn't using contraception, never did really since falling surprise pregnant with the first, but somehow of course it's my fault. I remember him once saying 'wow you must be fertile' - nothing about maybe him being really fertile! Some men do make me wonder sometimes....

We are now splitting and I said 'ok, so do you see this as being 50/50 with etc children' he says no, he can't, he's working. Which I knew he'd say.

I just think he has looked at it and seen that he can't do both and I;m a good mum, t he kids will be alright, he's off the build a billion dollar business, or whatever.

I'm just wondering whether anyone else has had experience of a man who put career /business over family and what happened next. I want to know what other f*&keries to expect!!!!

I can't end this without saying that he works monster hours but is very present in the children's lives. He wakes up with them in morning, breakfast, school run, then goes to the office, stays there until 12/1, comes home, does it again (no, we didn't get any time together the last 18 months since lockdown, it's been kids and business, and then the new baby, a bit overwhelming for all). But he's fun, daddy, loving daddy. I collected one of the DC from school together ad teacher mentioned that DC said they were sad because dad is away (he's away on business trip of about a month, there have been lots of those since travelled opened up again) and last night one of them was wiling tears because they missed daddy.

So now that he is not coming home from this trip I'm just so goddamn sad for them. They have huge expectations of seeing daddy everyday. And that will now be EOW when he's in the country, and when he isn't they will now have to know he's not coming home.

I despair for them. I am so so so distraught. My kids face when I collected them from school today was so sad, they miss their dad so much. But it just won't work. Business, and work has killed our relationship. He won't get therapy to talk about any of these issues mentioned above, says he can't face it, can't face what person it might be apparent he has become.

Running this business has changed him so much, he's really not the man he was or whom `I chose to have children with.

It's all so aaarrrggghhhh. And I just want to have ideas about what is on the horizon for the children.

I collected one of the DC from school TODAY and teacher mentioned that DC said they were sad because dad is away, sorry for this typo

Sorry OP.

I'm not good at this relationship stuff.

I do know that in my jobs in town. Plenty of men, even 'nice' ones. Openly stay on at work reading BBC etc because they want to miss feeding/ bath/ bedtime for children.

Plenty don't. Lots of hands on dads keen to get back. Men not being so... Maternal? Devoted? Etc. Is a myth.

Over lockdown I had drinks after work online with workmates where a good few men were in home offices 'working'. If partner knocked. Hide beer mute it get code on screen. In reality. 6 pints in and it's been 5 hours drinking.

Reading your OP.

I think he's spinning you a line.

There's no issue with the kids- he is hands on.
His excuses are weak IMO. And take no responsibility in the situation all your fault.

Men rarely just go off and be on their own.

I think he's got someone else. I'm sorry.

But I'm not good at this, may be off the mark.

You need to talk to the children. Age appropriate but truth. Don't blame him or you etc.

I can't believe despite being so hands on he is essentially saying going to not see them at all? That's really extreme.

It does seem like a very sudden break when he has actually been very present, I'm not sure if you realise how much he has actually done to be honest. It might be that doing that level of hands on parenting really was incompatible with running a start up and you needed different childcare and he's reacting to not being able to juggle everything. I agree it does sound like he's coming out with nonsense and firing in stupid directions. But this is such an unfortunate way to do this. Deciding he's not coming home is the worst of all possible approaches from your children's perspective. For their sake can you not have him back and phase his routine out with the children knowing he will definitely do x and y on set days which will continue when he's moved out, so they gave a new normal and some continuity. If he just doesn't return now they will assume that the future is just this endless wasteland of him being far too suddenly gone. It's too like a bereavement. Surely whatever you're arguing about can be shelved now and a business like plan set up with childcare potentially from his new home or him doing regular pick ups still. Eow is not enough and I think he's speaking rashly and cruelty probably in retaliation.

I suspect he said if it wasn't for the kids he'd work continually in an effort to point out how much time he was carving out for them. Was it defensive? It just doesn't add up.

Wow. How many kids are we talking about?

Presumably him working so much also affords you a lifestyle you wouldn't have normally? Do you work? I feel a bit sorry for him really - plenty of parents work hard to build businesses that leave some kind of legacy for their kids and they can get a bit lost in it - they don't see it as a negative and taking time away from them - although you've also said he is "present" when he's home?

What do you actually want? Him to work less? Because are you prepared for what that might entail? Ie you working more/at all?

I’d tell him that it’s not good enough to just say he can’t do 50-50 because he has to work. What about you? How are you expected to work?

It sounds like he has his own business so it will be very easy for him to avoid paying maintenance or minimise it. I’d lawyer up fast and get the financials sorted fast while he feels guilty. I’d also work out a plan for my life which involves working. Even if not now then in a year or so and have the kids living arrangements fit around that. How dare he say his work is more important than you also having a career. If you are not his wife he doesn’t get to try and make plans around you supporting his career by having the kids all the time. He needs to make his own arrangements on the basis that you also need to earn money.

Focus on what you need to do for the best future for you and the DC

Do you mind me asking what is his business? I was thinking that if it is successful then he could agree to reduce his own workload by taking on an employee / partner. That could have a huge effect on your relationship but would probably mean less profit for him.

He must remember that he may not always be able to work / travel abroad and any illness he may get in the future could be the death knell for the business if he is a one man band. Many companies do not hire single entity contractors unless really niche.

Best of luck - I hope that you can resolve this if its not too late.

Some men are workaholics and some men use work to get out of housework and childcare and some men do need to dedicate themselves to a new business until it is running smoothly/when there are is stuff going on etc.

Lots of good advice here. As someone who is in a similar position, it’s a lot of hard work. My husband works in a very important job. It’s not been easy over the years especially when the children were babies but we have come through it now.

I am very appreciative of how hard he works because a lot men wouldn’t do this or be as hands on with the kids and both at the same time.Trying to balance their work is hard, especially if they want to progress.

I understand you feel resentful and I have to at times, but I tell you now being a single mother is a whole different ball game and this is when it’s going to get unbelievably hard for you.

It sounds like his mind is made up now unfortunately, so all I can do is wish you the best.

Sorry this is happening to you op. I also think, like a previous poster, that he’s spinning you a line. I’ve seen it with work colleagues and my previous partner was just like your husband. A lot of (in particular) men value themselves according to their work - not how good a husband or father they are - but purely how they are in work. This is often dressed up as ‘being a good provider’ but really gets them out of the stuff they don’t really want to be doing. It’s an excuse.
Coupled with the drive required to run their own business that can sometimes morph into ego and a dick-swinging mentality, there’s no time or inclination for anything else.
Work is simply the most important thing to this kind of man. Simple as. He may/may not regret putting work first in the future. He’s clearly not aware how easy it is to breed resentment in your offspring. Most likely, his kids will learn to expect the crumbs of his attention.
It seems he’s been present up to now though. That part of your post was a little confusing. Is he participating in family life and pissed off about it? How long has your relationship been suffering for? Does he have time for hobbies? In other words, are you way down the list of priorities?

It’s so heartbreaking.

Workaholism is Avery deep seated addiction, one which society largely praises, rewards and admires.

It can be just as destructive as many other addictions and has the same root. Pain that the person cannot or will not face.

Sounds like he has an avoidant personality. When there are emotional things he cannot face he will self-medicate by throwing himself into his addiction, which numbs his pain.

My money would be on his own relationship with his father being his original source of pain and the reason he cannot cope with having a family of his own. He is terrified of failure and also of connecting properly with his own emotions and with other peoples. So he runs to the safety blanket of work.

It is heartbreakingly difficult to face this. I am just coming out of a ten year relationship with a simile man (no children though) and it was absolutely soul destroying, mentally crushing, emotionally corrosive and physically draining throughout.

I here is nothing you can do to fight an addiction in another person’s behalf. You can support them in their own fight if they enter it willingly and with vigour but that’s about it.

💐

If you do split make sure you get a good settlement. Don't assume because he is a workaholic that he won't get a new partner and then your DCs that he is supposedly working so hard to provide for won't get the millions as it could be shared out with his second family.

Think of yourself and, presuming he is doing well in his business, get set up for a good life for yourself. Work or not whichever you want, cleaners, childminders etc

My husband is never home since covid came

He works 11 weeks away 2/3 weeks home

It's awful for the kids but I guess we are lucky still he has a job as some people are majorly struggling financially after covid with no income

It's heartbreaking for the kids but what else can he do.?

He was equal time pre covid so 4 weeks away 4 weeks home

Yes he is also doing it for our family but I don't think I can blame him in a negativity kinda of way

Our bills need paid and my children need fed, and the future isn't exactly bright with so much unemployment etc

He cannot walk away from a well paying job to no job , that is just crazy in our eyes so we all have to deal with it as hard as it is

My husband is throughly miserable stuck away with no life, I miss him and the kids really miss him but we still see ourselves as fortunate as at least we aren't living in poverty like some poor family's.

Sorry I posted too soon

So in a way I think you also need to be grateful you are not on the bones of your arse financially like a lot of people in this country at the moment .

I would assume after what's happened in the last 18 months any business is lucky to be surviving

How would your life be if his business went under.? I'm not sure you can blame a father for working all hours to provide for his family's

Many man do it and some only manage to make ends meet

I think you are in a fortunate position personally

I think you are in a fortunate position personally

That's crazy. So a sugar daddy answers all your needs?

He won't get therapy to talk about any of these issues mentioned above, says he can't face it, can't face what person it might be apparent he has become.

This is the crux of it.

OP can I ask what he is like at the weekends, does he have a break from work? do you spend any time together as a family? does he clear off and pursues hobbies etc?

@MamsellMarie

I think you are in a fortunate position personally

That's crazy. So a sugar daddy answers all your needs?

Who said she has a sugar daddy.? She has a husband who is working to provide a comfortable life

Some families at the moment literally can hardly eat .?

I don't think her position is that bad in the grand scheme of life at the moment personally.

Who said she has a sugar daddy.? She has a husband who is working to provide a comfortable life
No he is working because he is addicted to working and he has little interest in anything else especially his family.

He has said that he is leaving you because he doesn’t love you. The rest of the narrative is your own construct OP. It might have a basis to it but a lot is your own conjecture that he is choosing work over his children because he doesn’t want a 50:50 arrangement. If there is a small baby this wouldn’t be practical. If there school age children it isn’t practical.

I get you are hurt but you certainly shouldn’t be filling your kids head with a story that daddy didn’t want them and doesn’t have time for them.

You don’t sound hurt he is leaving you. But you do sound bitter that he isn’t the type of father you wanted. Even though he presumably always dedicated his time to work.

If children came along unexpectedly and unplanned then that was a risk you both took. As you rightly point out. But you both take responsibility that you didn’t agree on being parents and what that would mean.

Its a difficult one. We grew up really poor. As in mum had to choose between heating and eating. She would often go without meals and go to bed when we did to keep warm. I remember times we all slept in mums bed because it was so cold.

It has made me slightly work obsessed. I never ever wanted my kids in that position. Then exh became a cunt after q0 years of marriage got us debt etc. I became a single parent, struggling financially. That made me a bit more work obsessed. Worked my way our of it.

I do constantly think about options I have and what I can do to support my kids. In future. I have just started education again, alongside my job to open up new opportunities.

I do as much as I can to spend time with my kids. We get plenty of time at weekends and I make sure we get time during the week. I drop off and pick up ds most days.

I have been able to balance it. I have 2 happy kids. One is going to uni next year. I have given them opportunities I didn't get. Dd is pursuing something she is passionate about. I didn't have that choice.

I know my childhood caused me issues and I try to manage them, whilst being a good parent.

But I am confused by your post. He seems to do alot with the kids for someone who works 'monster hours'. It appears that you would have stayed in the situation had he been happy to you.

You seem to be assuming he doesn't live you anymore because he resents you over the kids. But is hands on when he is there.

Launching a business is very very difficult and the past he had has definitely caused this addiction. I suspect he has always been like this but it's got worse recently.

I can't really work out wether you are being unfair on him or he is using it as an excuse to opt out.

I will say that 50:50 isn't always some ideal that suits all kids. My exh insisted on it and was awarded it. Dd no longer even sees him and ds barely seems him. The kids wanted one permanent base. I was the more consistent parent, we have had one home not moved from house to house, relationship to relationship like their dad.

Their dad wouldn't listen when they tried to tell him they were happy and try to guilt them into going to his, but never changed any behaviours. Eventually they both distanced themselves.

On the downside, all the responsibility is on me. On the other hand it's actually much easier, especially with school and college to have them full time.

Did he want three children, or indeed any? You say your first was an unplanned pregnancy and that then for some reason you stopped using contraception, which makes you both sound weirdly passive about having a family.

I have a male friend who presented to his wife as a total workaholic — leaving the house before 7 am daily, back at 8 at night, going in at least one day at weekends and ‘working’ in his study at home the rest of the time. It was only when I started to work in the same job in the same place that I realised he used work to avoid family life and that he could easily have done his job working normal office hours three days a week in the office and the others from home — no weekend work. He just didn’t want to. Work was an alibi for being uninvolved in family life.

OW

Lawyer up