I'm not brave enough for AIBU. Last Sunday I was stressing (internally) about how much I had to do that day - DDs' school uniform, homework, DD1 needed new shoes, they both needed a bath and hairwash etc. I also I have a DS1 and I have recently been discharged from a mental health unit due to depression and anxiety.
DP went to pick up a click and collect while I looked after the kids. When he got home he started putting the shopping away while I was doing homework with the DDs. DS needed to go down for a nap and DP asked me to do it. In theory, no problem but the list of things to be done was on my mind. I took DS for his nap and when I came back down DP was reorganising the cupboard. I said to him, constructively, that I'm a bit stressed with how much there is to be done and I would appreciate him checking in with me to see what I need to get done before he goes ahead with things that could wait. He said that what I was asking was entirely reasonable and he would check with me next time. I then went to help DD2 learn her spellings.
After that I went to make a coffee and DP was re-organising the fridge. I, somewhat jokingly, asked him if he remembered the conversation we had just had. He said he did but didn't think sorting the fridge would be a problem. During all of this the only thing that's coming off of "my" list is the DDs homework.
We're then making lunch and I snap about something. I admit that I'm entirely wrong for snapping! When he asks me what's wrong I said it pissed me off that he went ahead with the fridge given the conversation we'd just had, and told him I was stressing about everything I had to do that day. We had a conversation about it, he was reasonable, we had lunch and then we came up with a plan for the afternoon. He suggested he iron the uniform while I bathe the DDs. I went up to run their bath and there wasn't enough hot water.
This is where it all went to shit. I went back down to put the water on and I could tell he was pissed off. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was pissed off I snapped earlier. I said I was sorry for snapping and explained that I was feeling overwhelmed. He was still pissed off because I'd prevented us from being as productive as we needed to be. I pointed out that him being pissed off was further stopping us from being productive. He went off in a sulk, shouted a bit and then said he needed to go for a walk. While he was out I got the DDs bathed and cooked dinner.
When he came back, he questioned why I could be productive when he wasn't there. Later, once he had got the DC to bed, I sat down on the kitchen floor (I don't know why but it's where I tend to end up when I'm feeling low). He came down from getting the DC to bed and offered me a cuddle on the sofa. I said I couldn't because I needed to get stuff done. He left the room and then quickly came back to say that my response had pissed him off because I clearly wasn't too busy to sit on the floor (he knows that me sitting on the floor is a sign of my depression worsening). He challenged me about why I couldn't get on with stuff so I forced myself to get up, mostly through fear, and made the DDs packed lunches for the next day. Then he challenged me about why I managed to do that. He then told me that it pissed him off to see me sitting on the floor. I asked him why and he said "honestly, because you're wasting time".
That really got to me because the only reason I had reached the point of sitting on the floor is because I had kept going while he went out for a walk for nearly 2 hours, and as the DC were finally in bed I could take a bit of time to calm down. I'd been there less than 10 minutes. Why couldn't I take a small amount of time to calm down and process the argument when he'd had such along time out? We somewhat talked things through and went to bed on a better note.
When he left in the morning he didn't say "I love you", which he usually does. I went into a spiral of anxiety and fear that he would leave me like my XH did (important to note that I'm currently going through EMDR to process the trauma of my XH leaving, which DP is aware of). I sent him some messages on WhatsApp, which I didn't expect an immediate response to as he was at work, but he usually sends the odd message. But on this day there was nothing until he said later in the day that he hadn't responded partly because he was busy but partly because he didn't want to.
This rumbled on during Monday evening with him saying over and over that I shouldn't have snapped at him initially. I eventually broke down (on the kitchen floor) and he softened. He said he was sorry for giving me such a hard time about it and that he just needed time and he loved me. I accepted his apology and moved on.
Sorry this is so long!
This evening, he made a joke about something we were talking about and I made a counter joke. He responded by asking if I was ok and saying I was a bit shitty in my tone (there was nothing in it for me). He apologised quickly and said he didn't mean anything by it. I told him that I hadn't meant anything but his reaction had left me a bit cautious about what I say. We were cooking dinner while this went on and soon after this exchange I went in to the living room. My reason for walking away was that I knew it had rubbed me up the wrong way but I couldn't work out why, so I wanted to be alone to figure that out. He brought our dinner through and he was very frosty. I decided to confront it head on and told him why his reaction had irritated me. He then told me that it had irritated him that I hadn't accepted his apology and had walked away from him.
That brings me to my AIBU? I walked away because I thought if I stayed it might escalate. I didn't walk away mid conversation. There was no shouting. I just wanted to get my thoughts together. So AIBU for that?
Also, he expected me to accept his apology instantly. Yet when it was the other way around (ironically from misreading a tone), he felt he was within his rights to not accept my apology and kept reminding over and over again what I'd done wrong. So, AIBU?