AIBU?

[allthesharks]

I'm not brave enough for AIBU. Last Sunday I was stressing (internally) about how much I had to do that day - DDs' school uniform, homework, DD1 needed new shoes, they both needed a bath and hairwash etc. I also I have a DS1 and I have recently been discharged from a mental health unit due to depression and anxiety.

DP went to pick up a click and collect while I looked after the kids. When he got home he started putting the shopping away while I was doing homework with the DDs. DS needed to go down for a nap and DP asked me to do it. In theory, no problem but the list of things to be done was on my mind. I took DS for his nap and when I came back down DP was reorganising the cupboard. I said to him, constructively, that I'm a bit stressed with how much there is to be done and I would appreciate him checking in with me to see what I need to get done before he goes ahead with things that could wait. He said that what I was asking was entirely reasonable and he would check with me next time. I then went to help DD2 learn her spellings.

After that I went to make a coffee and DP was re-organising the fridge. I, somewhat jokingly, asked him if he remembered the conversation we had just had. He said he did but didn't think sorting the fridge would be a problem. During all of this the only thing that's coming off of "my" list is the DDs homework.

We're then making lunch and I snap about something. I admit that I'm entirely wrong for snapping! When he asks me what's wrong I said it pissed me off that he went ahead with the fridge given the conversation we'd just had, and told him I was stressing about everything I had to do that day. We had a conversation about it, he was reasonable, we had lunch and then we came up with a plan for the afternoon. He suggested he iron the uniform while I bathe the DDs. I went up to run their bath and there wasn't enough hot water.

This is where it all went to shit. I went back down to put the water on and I could tell he was pissed off. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was pissed off I snapped earlier. I said I was sorry for snapping and explained that I was feeling overwhelmed. He was still pissed off because I'd prevented us from being as productive as we needed to be. I pointed out that him being pissed off was further stopping us from being productive. He went off in a sulk, shouted a bit and then said he needed to go for a walk. While he was out I got the DDs bathed and cooked dinner.

When he came back, he questioned why I could be productive when he wasn't there. Later, once he had got the DC to bed, I sat down on the kitchen floor (I don't know why but it's where I tend to end up when I'm feeling low). He came down from getting the DC to bed and offered me a cuddle on the sofa. I said I couldn't because I needed to get stuff done. He left the room and then quickly came back to say that my response had pissed him off because I clearly wasn't too busy to sit on the floor (he knows that me sitting on the floor is a sign of my depression worsening). He challenged me about why I couldn't get on with stuff so I forced myself to get up, mostly through fear, and made the DDs packed lunches for the next day. Then he challenged me about why I managed to do that. He then told me that it pissed him off to see me sitting on the floor. I asked him why and he said "honestly, because you're wasting time".

That really got to me because the only reason I had reached the point of sitting on the floor is because I had kept going while he went out for a walk for nearly 2 hours, and as the DC were finally in bed I could take a bit of time to calm down. I'd been there less than 10 minutes. Why couldn't I take a small amount of time to calm down and process the argument when he'd had such along time out? We somewhat talked things through and went to bed on a better note.

When he left in the morning he didn't say "I love you", which he usually does. I went into a spiral of anxiety and fear that he would leave me like my XH did (important to note that I'm currently going through EMDR to process the trauma of my XH leaving, which DP is aware of). I sent him some messages on WhatsApp, which I didn't expect an immediate response to as he was at work, but he usually sends the odd message. But on this day there was nothing until he said later in the day that he hadn't responded partly because he was busy but partly because he didn't want to.

This rumbled on during Monday evening with him saying over and over that I shouldn't have snapped at him initially. I eventually broke down (on the kitchen floor) and he softened. He said he was sorry for giving me such a hard time about it and that he just needed time and he loved me. I accepted his apology and moved on.

Sorry this is so long!

This evening, he made a joke about something we were talking about and I made a counter joke. He responded by asking if I was ok and saying I was a bit shitty in my tone (there was nothing in it for me). He apologised quickly and said he didn't mean anything by it. I told him that I hadn't meant anything but his reaction had left me a bit cautious about what I say. We were cooking dinner while this went on and soon after this exchange I went in to the living room. My reason for walking away was that I knew it had rubbed me up the wrong way but I couldn't work out why, so I wanted to be alone to figure that out. He brought our dinner through and he was very frosty. I decided to confront it head on and told him why his reaction had irritated me. He then told me that it had irritated him that I hadn't accepted his apology and had walked away from him.

That brings me to my AIBU? I walked away because I thought if I stayed it might escalate. I didn't walk away mid conversation. There was no shouting. I just wanted to get my thoughts together. So AIBU for that?

Also, he expected me to accept his apology instantly. Yet when it was the other way around (ironically from misreading a tone), he felt he was within his rights to not accept my apology and kept reminding over and over again what I'd done wrong. So, AIBU?

Hi OP. I am so sorry you’re struggling. I can understand how overwhelming things are and that you feel the need to blame yourself. I really feel that asking strangers on Mumsnet who may not have any solid experience in mental health is detrimental and will do so much harm to your already fragile state. As already been suggested, please assemble/turn to your professional mental health team. We only ever “fail” when we stop trying. You are undoubtably still trying with everything you’ve got. This makes you a success, not a failure. Much love.

@Winniemarysarah you are completely out of order. Do some work on yourself.

@allthesharks
I’m sorry you feel overwhelmed. Have you got real life support? You are right to be kind to yourself, stay on that path, whatever problems come your way, remind yourself that it’s ok to be you, it’s ok.

I feel like almost everyone is glossing over the fact that your DP threw things and broke things when he was mad as well as punishing you when he was offended. Have you ever wondered if it is your DP’s behavior that contributes to your depression and anxiety?

@allthesharks . Who looked after your children when you were in the Mental Health Unit? It sounds as if your partner is not the father of all of your children. If he is not their father, who is responsible for them if you are ill?
You sound like you are not coping and that you need support. Would your partner act as a parent to all of your children if you had to return to the Unit?
I second you making contact with your crisis team. Go easy on your partner and let him look after you and your children. Go easy on yourself too.

Hi I read Mumsnet and never post (this is my partner's account), but really wanted to post something this time.

My reading of the situation, even from the initial post, is that your partner is not treating you well at all.

I had an ex partner like that. He would never let things go, he also threw things and broke things. It is not right. I was very unhappy and depressed in that situation, stopped properly eating etc. Have you considered that your partner is contributing to your depression by how he treats you?

I also didn't tell people how he treated me because I wanted to protect him. But protecting yourself is much more important. Please consider calling women's aid again and tell them what has happened. They will definitely listen and try to help you. They helped me when I called them.

A big virtual hug.

If your DDs are school age, can't they bathe themselves. I raised two DDs as a single parent while working full time. By age five they could bathe themselves if I ran the bath water and checked the temperature.
Maybe keep their hair cut short so they could do their own shampoos too. Then you would have more time with the baby DS.

Throwing things and breaking things is a huge red flag. I’m not seeing the saintliness that others have attributed to your husband.

Household tasks should be fairly divided, taking account of your depression. You can’t do as much when you’re unwell as you might if you were healthy. Some things won’t get done. Ideally you would agree between you what the priorities are, without micromanaging each other. But if there’s disagreement there should be no throwing or breaking of anything.

Hope you manage to get some sleep, OP. And that you feel a bit better in the morning.

I get what your initial AIBU was about, and no you were not unreasonable. Yes, pointing out all the nitty-gritty jobs and minor tiffs implies that the whole situation seems exhausting, which is maybe why you've received the responses you have. What jumped out to me, though, in your first post was that you got up off the kitchen floor "due to fear". It wasn't clear whether that was fear of your dp or not, but with the follow-up posts I think it probably was. I know it's horrible to accept that your partner may be abusive, especially considering your previous trauma, but shouting and throwing things is definitely abusive. It's really hard to do but I think you need to try and separate your mental health problems from the situation you're in, because of your internal voice telling you it's your fault and that you're worthless it makes it even easier to minimise the abuse and blame yourself instead. You shouldn't be living in fear of your partner blowing up all the time. You don't deserve to be treated badly.

@Winniemarysarah Read the room. It is completely obvious that OP mental health is in a very bad place. Do you not understand how a post like yours could have awful repercussions on the already fragile mental health of OP? I'm actually disgusted.

How're you feeling this morning OP, did you manage to get some sleep?

I don't know where you are in the U.K. but where I am it's lovely and sunny today.

Maybe grab a flask of coffee and go out on a fresh walk to give yourself some head space? Forget everything at home for an hour.

Hope you managed to get some sleep.

Regardless of anything else that’s happening, it’s absolutely not right for him to be shouting, throwing things and breaking things. You shouldn’t be frightened of him, he shouldn’t be frightening you. This is abusive behaviour.

I worry that because you have escaped a previously abusive relationship, you’re accepting your husband’s behaviour because it’s not ‘as bad’ as what you previously experienced. But no level of abuse is acceptable. You don’t have to accept him shouting at you and breaking things because at least he isn’t hitting you.

I’m glad you’ve spoken to women’s aid, and I hope they continue to support you. Is there anyone else in your life you trust to speak about this?

You deserve to be safe and happy, and I’m not sure those things are going to be achievable in your current situation

@Dandy0911

Your DP sounds like a good man, I mean this kindly but don't push him away.

He doesn’t. He really doesn’t.

Good men don’t shout at their partners.

Good men don’t throw and break things.

Good men don’t frighten their partners.

Good men do their share of housework, including the mental load.

Good men don’t hold grudges.

Good men don’t hold their partner to a higher standard than they expect to be held to themselves.

Good men don’t blame their partners for having poor mental health.

Hope you’re ok OP, sounds like you’re both struggling tbh.
You’re still recovering
You’re feeling that he isn’t aiding your recovery and setting you back because you feel he reacts when you don’t do stuff/ gets resentful when you take time out etc.
He maybe struggling with coping with your illness and how it’s inevitably affected him.

I hope you're ok OP, you sound so overwhelmed.

I think he was unreasonable actually for going for a two hour walk when there was a lot to do. Saying that, it's such a minor detail in your post. You sound like you need to get yourself some fast mental health support. You are good enough and your family need you well. You haven't undone all the good work you've done so far you just need additional support x

How are you this morning @allthesharks?
I did report Winnie’s post. Don’t take stuff like that to heart. You ARE enough. Try and go through the day one thing at a time, don’t think about everything you’ve got to do at once, it’s too much. Hope you have a nice day

We're so sorry to hear you're having such a tough time of things, OP.

We can see that you're getting some good advice on your thread, but we also wanted to add some links to real life resources that might help. Please take a look at our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

We also have a domestic violence webguide, which lists some organisations that can provide real-life support.

While it's often very successful for trauma, EMDR can be a very hard process to go through. There's a chance some of what you're going through is colouring your feelings towards your DP. How has he been in the past? If he's usually supportive then the two of you need to sit down and work out a better way to handle this going forward and then both let it go. It's hard to separate everything in here, but I do feel your DP was being unreasonable about expecting you to just be fine and completely accept his apology immediately when he didn't do that himself. Having said that though the more important thing here, if DP is usually a supportive person and a good partner, is to find a way out of the low level sniping, not continue it. If he isn't that's a whole other issue.

@allthesharks

You're right. I'm just an awful person. I hate myself so much. I didn't think I could hate myself much more. I hate that I've been tempted to harm myself in recent days. I hate that the only reason I haven't is because I don't think the pills I've got will do enough. I hate that I've sat here, with the pills beside me and my DP has gone to bed and said "don't take them". I hate that I don't matter enough. I hate that I'm not good enough. I hate that I had all three of my children premature. I hate that I nearly lost DD1. I hate that my XH didn't care about me enough to stay. I hate that my DP values my life so little. But most of all I hate me. I wish I hadn't started this thread because I was "ok" when I did. But I'm not now.

I've been thinking recently over some of my own Hs behaviour and I realised if I took the emotion out of it, if he was someone else's DH behaving that way I'd feel contempt for him. That's what I feel for your DP. A good man wouldn't have gone to bed. His actions determine who he is, not who you are. And you're not awful because life is a struggle right now. Life is struggle because you've gone through a lot, but you're still picking yourself up and trying to improve your MH. You didn't chose to have mental health struggles, or to be abused by your XH, or to have your DC prematurely. You're not to blame for those things.

I'm struggling to understand the full situation Op. (Sorry!) Is this fair to say:

You've had problems with your mental health. You are better than you were, but still struggling.
You were feeling overwhelmed with jobs and were frustrated that your DH was doing jobs that weren't on your list.
On the whole your DH is supportive and kind?
Recently you've both been snappy with the other. Both apologised. But he didn't accept your apology for a day and a half, and in the meantime he shouted and threw things around?

In your opening Op your DH sounded great. I felt it was unfair of you to criticise him for doing jobs that weren't on your list. On here we hear of so many men who don't think housework is their job, and their wives understandably say 'I shouldn't have to give him a list, he should know what needs doing' - your DH was doing a job that he felt needed doing. He has as much right as you to decide what needs doing of course.

But in later messages he sounds angry and aggressive.

You know the true him. Is he an angry, aggressive man who you need to get away from, or is he a basically decent person who is also near the end of his tether?

I'm really sorry you are struggling so much right now. How involved is your DH in your care? I wonder if there's more to this but if it's ok, I thought I might share my experience as I feel there are some parallels especially regarding the pills.

I had an ex who was very much have your MH issues but don't affect my life with them. He refused to attend any appointments and would leave me crying on the floor and the only comment he would make was "stop crying you'll make yourself sick". If I spoke about my issues I was "going on". He said he wished he was dead because all my family did was talk about me when I let them know how serious things were. I blamed myself for everything and he blamed me too. I carried twice the shame. I wasn't allowed to cry but he could punch things, throw things, storm out for a few hours, give the silent treatment etc. He expected sex regardless. I left him when I realised I was never going to get better with him. Only you know what's really going on in your relationship. I knew from the outside I was the 'crazy' one but no-one knew what it was like inside those four walls. It took me 8 years after I had left to realise he was abusive. I was emotionally lying on the floor crying my eyes out assuming it was me who fell but never noticed his foot behind my back keeping me down.

I left him after a year of therapy building my self esteem and calming the negative voice I had that he had put in my head. A year or so later I ended up in hospital for many months as I processed what had happened. My new partner at the time (now fiancee) has been involved and engaged the whole time. He drove the 150 miles every weekend to see me, he stood up for me against a team of 8 doctors and nurses when I needed him to. He attends all my appointments if I ask, he values who I am not what I can do. He sees me. I didn't know relationships could be like this. This one relationship has been so incredibly healing for me. It's given a real lived experience of everything I hadn't known I needed but so desperately wanted.

Please contact your treatment team or GP. EMDR can be incredibly reactivating and must be based on a period of stability and if that falters there needs to be a plan in place to get you back there. I know it's hard to see right now, but this won't be for ever.

“ I've realised that I hold the core beliefs that "I'm not good enough" and "I don't matter". So much has come up for me in the past few weeks, including the abuse my XH put me through. I'm trying so hard to work through it all to make me a better person. But I'm obviously not.”

I feel really sad to read this. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

I think you’re absolutely right to be trying to work through your core beliefs. These have been created for you by your previous relationships and situations - but they are not the truth about you.

It will take time and support to change those core beliefs so that you can recognise that you are in fact a capable person of integrity and value.

In the meantime maybe consider reviewing your medication to support you while you reset your internal compass?

Can you afford to pay for some practical help with the home admin? Or any family who would step in for a bit?

It sounds like you are both trying really hard but both running on empty.

Is DP the kids dad?

The ops old post say he is only the father to one of them and not to the older 2.

Sounds like a hard situation for him as well.

A good man wouldn't have gone to bed. His actions determine who he is, not who you are.

But nobody thinks of his mental health. Sometimes, when caring for someone, especially with mental health issues, you reach breaking point. He can’t be expected to look after ops severe health issues (which arguably you can’t really do much for someone with depression) 2 kids, one of whom isn’t his. The ironing and everything else. Taking a walk to clear his head isn’t a crime. Being snappy isn’t a crime. Being exhausted and done so saying ‘don’t take them’ rather than spend a night listening to the same stuff over again. Isn’t a crime.

Yes I have severe depression and I know how hard it is. I also know how hard it is for others around me.

And I’m ignoring the rest of the posts because it seems like attacking dh anyway possible to get people on side. I’m going on the original post.