Abuser or idiot?

[Peach1886]

DH has been increasingly nasty over recent years, and in a rage told me yesterday that he hasn't been happy since DS was born, because I haven't been affectionate enough since then.

What I didn't manage to say, because I was too scared with being shouted at, is that I haven't felt affectionate (he apparently means in general, not just sex) because he has been so bad tempered, and occasionally really vile both to me and DS.

So it's true when he says I have shut down, he just doesn't want to accept it's his fault.

After yet another screaming session (him) and tears (me), he has been "trying to make it up to me" by being super-helpful, doing all the chores and attempting to cuddle me...which I just cannot respond to at the moment.

So we are in this cycle where he is nasty/aggressive (to me or to DS) and then goes into super DH/Dad mode to try and make things better.

Only this last time I think he has probably killed any love I had left ...and I have told him so...and now he is in floods of tears begging me not to kick him out and saying he's sorry and how can he make it up to me if I won't let him try...

And I am lost.

How has he genuinely not understood how badly he has been behaving? He does sound genuinely contrite when he apologises, and he seems horrified that he might have brought us to the point of no return...or possibly I'm being stupid and this is just more manipulation to try and keep the status quo.

He is on the spectrum somewhere (undiagnosed through him being unwilling to engage with the process), but can being neurodiverse really account for such extremes of behaviour? I am not for a minute suggesting that everyone not NT is a nasty piece of work, so please don't start a pile-on on that basis, I am just trying to understand what behaviour he possibly cannot help, and what is just his character.

I think I want him to move out - even if temporarily (but possibly not) to give us some space, and maybe he could get some help - but when I suggested that he got hysterical.

I know there are lots of women on here with far more nasty DH's than this, but I cannot live like this, even if the upheaval to change it is not something I want to contemplate.

Abuser.
Not to say they can't be both.

But really it's irrelevant because q oartner should never be 'aggressive' and you should never feel afraid of them.

So you don't need to work out what the fuck is going in. You just need to get the fuck away from the bastard, fast.

Go!

*a partner

This must be terrifying and very confusing for your son and I don't buy the link between neurodiversity and abusive behaviour. He sounds an abusive bully and you need to protect your son from him.

You say he begs you not to kick him out but you need to think of your child and put him first

You were scared to respond to him when he was angry. You shouldn't be scared of your partner.

What help would you want him to get? Do you think anger management could fix this?

I don't think I'd stay with someone I was scared of.

and he seems horrified that he might have brought us to the point of no return

You know why? Because he thought he could bully you into submission rather than have you push back.

Ask him what would happen to him if he behaved that way at work ? Physical retliation ,Demotion , sacking , possible legal.action ..so why's it ok at home ? He can control himself, just doesnt want to as the consequences are neglible .
Make yourself safe and ask him to leave.

It's the cycle of abuse.

And you need to take your son out of it.

As pp said, it's the 'cycle of abuse'.

Abusive. Exh did this when I said it was over, finally realised his meal ticket and punchbag wa ending. Do it for you and for your son OP and good luck.

"He is on the spectrum somewhere (undiagnosed through him being unwilling to engage with the process)"

Why do you think this re him?. I feel you just want some explanation and ANY explanation/answer as to why he acts like he does so I will give you a possible answer re him. He does this because he can and feels entitled to do so. Such men hate women, ALL of them. Look at his parents here, how do they behave around each other?. Chances are one or even worse both of them act like your H does.

I therefore doubt that he is on any spectrum and thinking this shows at the very least a poor understanding of ASD. I fully accept any and all perceived slights are purely unintentional on your part but thinking this of him does you no favours at all.

What you're describing here is domestic abuse from him towards you and in turn your son who is seeing all this at first hand too. You're also seeing his nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. His tears are manipulation designed to make you feel sorry for him. Note too he is still not accepting any responsibility for HIS actions here; he is straight out of the Abusers 101 handbook.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. You want him to potentially grow up acting like his dad does towards women, no you do not. Stop further doing your bit here to show him that this treatment of you is still acceptable to you on some level.

What is he like towards work colleagues and or people in the outside world?. I guess he is all nicey nice towards them, it is for YOU that this abuse is directed at.

You have a choice re this man, your child does not. He growing up within such an abusive and toxic environment will further harm him, your most precious resource.

You are married to this person and thus have rights in law; consider exercising those fully now and look into divorcing him. Feel the fear here and do it anyway. It will also do your son no favours at all if you were to choose to stay with this man because of fear of the unknown, fear of him (your H), financial concerns or your son to name but a few of many reasons. I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations (the latter can give legal advice).

Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you and your son here. He is angry too because he is abusive, not because he is angry.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He does not want to move out also because he also likes having his cushy life with you around to cook and clean for him as well as abuse when he feels like it. He is not going to let go of you that easily and I also think you were targeted by him deliberately. BTW did you meet this man when you were very young and or in a bad place yourself?.

What sort of support do you get from family/friends?.

Thank you everyone...and please be assured my son's wellbeing is 100% my priority, it has just taken me a while to realise that I am in an abusive relationship...and now I have understood it I am fairly sure that there's only one way forward.

I don't know why it has taken me a while to realise that...I feel very stupid, and very bad that I haven't reacted sooner. I am not stupid but somehow I have thought that DH meant it when he said he could manage his behaviour better, because for months (after I insisted he had counselling) he was much better, but recently we have gone backwards again.

I can't believe the situation I find myself in...it is frightening.

The next challenge is how to get him to leave...and how/what to tell my little boy

girlmom21

AM courses are NO answer to domestic violence which is what is being described here. He can control himself around other people in the outside world and is likely to be plausible to them too. Its for the OP and her son alone that his abuse is directed at. Such men really do hate women and all of them.

Peach

You are many things but stupid you are NOT so put that thought out of your head. Abuse is insidious in its onset and creeps up on so many people (of both sexes) unawares and as you also write he can be "nice" on occasion. As you now realise, that is the cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

As for him being counselled, well he'd likely need years of therapy and even then he would still feel entitled to act like he does. I would also think he manipulated this counsellor also into feeling sorry for him or playing up he as victim mentality. Such men never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Its always everyone else's fault but their own.

Would encourage you to seek legal advice asap and start the process of divorcing him. If you really do want to put your son and your own self first now that is what you need to do. Feel the fear and do it anyway. He is not going to let you get away from him that easily and he will remain just as obstructive and abusive towards you post separation too. This is really who he is.

Your son and you should absolutely have a life free from being abused at his hands. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Hello @Peach1886 - I couldn't not reply to this after all of the lovely and supportive responses you have posted on my own thread!

I know you have been working on/through things with your husband for quite a while and I'm sad to hear that it doesn't sound like he is improving or taking things on board as well as he needs to. You've said that you feel stupid, but genuinely I have no idea why - you've called him out on his behaviour countless times, you've given him the opportunity to change, and now that he's shown that he won't/can't change, you are considering the next steps in how best to protect your little boy. I'd say you've done absolutely everything you can, you've dealt with this with integrity, you can hold your head up high and just focus on you and your son now.

I know it's frightening, but having just gone through the split and got to the other side I feel so much more peaceful already. Liberated even!! You can get there too, I know you can.

Sending so much love and oomph, you've got this!

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat the creeping up is exactly what has happened, I am horrified to find that me and DS are in this situation and trying very hard not to beat myself up for not realising/doing something about it sooner. And yes he is Mr Nice Guy out in the world, couldn't be more helpful to everyone...it's a very good disguise.

I spoke to a solicitor yesterday and discovered that "no fault" divorce will be available from next Spring - I know full well whose fault it is, but the important thing is he cannot contest it, so that's what I'm going to do.

In the meanwhile I need to get him out of the house and as everyone is saying, I don't think that's going to be easy, he is either going to play the victim or will be in floods of tears...I can't bear to think of putting DS through any of it, but it has to be done I know.

@Chewieboora the mealticket thing is definitely an issue, DH has had a very nice life thanks to me, but it's about to stop.

Oh @helplesshopeless thank you, I am going to use you as my shining example you know...but not sure how DS will be about fairy doors, superhero ones maybe

@Peach1886 superhero fairy doors are actually a thing it seems!! 🤩 https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1090250599/spiderman-fairy-door-tooth-fairy-magic?gaorder=mosttrelevant&gasearchhtype=all&gaviewwtype=gallery&gasearchhquery=superhero+fairy+door&ref=sr_gallery-1-20&frs=1&cns=1

He is on the spectrum somewhere (undiagnosed through him being unwilling to engage with the process)

The more I read this shit on mumsnet th more it pisses me off. To reiterate for the billionth time...

being on the autistic spectrum does not make you a vile bad tempered cunt

I'm sick to death of women searching to labels to justify piss poor behaviour. It comes from the same kettle of shite rationale as depression being used as an excuse to cheat.

As a mother to autistic DC with several autistic family members it's deeply fucking offensive.

Rant over and back to the matter in hand..

For your own and your child's sake you should end the relationship. This is abuse and no way to live.

Sounds more like he is a sociopath or narcissist (npd) than autistic tbh.

All too often people jump to conclusions like autism because they think 'no neurotypical person would act this way'. Yeah, but a psychopath and similar absolutely would.

Abuser, so sorry.

You sound established in the cycle of abuse and it will take a while for you to see his actions for the manipulation they are.

Try reading Lundy Bancroft
'Why Does He Do That?', actually also watching Maid on Netflix. Does a good job showing the subtleties of control an abuse

Is he an only or eldest child perhaps? Unwilling to share his DW's affections with his own DS, making him jealous of his own son. It's deep rooted, not going to change by itself. He hasn't developed the maturity to stand on his own two feet, which is why he knows he's better off with you and all that you bring to his life. All this time you have been propping him up, now his safety blanket is going, he's scared, he will do anything to keep his safety net. But it's all about him and his inadequacy, bringing you down and having a go makes him feel bigger than the inadequate person he knows he really is, so he'll slip right back into that self-soothing behaviour.
He will cling and make it hard, but stick to your guns, break the cycle. He doesn't get to decide how it goes. In the long run, he's more likely to seek help when he's lost out and at rock bottom, so it a way, you are doing him good and giving him opportunity for growth in future rather than hiding behind him.

Hiding behind 'you'

"Is he an only or eldest child perhaps? "

@Closetbeanmuncher I'm sorry that I appear to have fallen into that trap but I promise you I haven't...I wouldn't dream of it, especially as I also have autistic friends and family.

DH has many other traits which suggest he is on the spectrum, and I wasn't for a minute saying that his vile behaviour was down to that, it is simply that inappropriate outbursts are often diagnostic of ADHD (which he is finally being assessed for) and until recently I hoped that it was simply that...just a different pattern of expressing himself.

Whether he has ADHD or not, his abusive behaviour has increased recently and I have had to accept that his outbursts are not "just" neurodiversity but something very different and unacceptable.

I'm sorry that I appeared to be parroting something so unkind, it was not my intention at all.

Is he an only or eldest child perhaps?

WTF?