Abuser or idiot?

[Peach1886]

DH has been increasingly nasty over recent years, and in a rage told me yesterday that he hasn't been happy since DS was born, because I haven't been affectionate enough since then.

What I didn't manage to say, because I was too scared with being shouted at, is that I haven't felt affectionate (he apparently means in general, not just sex) because he has been so bad tempered, and occasionally really vile both to me and DS.

So it's true when he says I have shut down, he just doesn't want to accept it's his fault.

After yet another screaming session (him) and tears (me), he has been "trying to make it up to me" by being super-helpful, doing all the chores and attempting to cuddle me...which I just cannot respond to at the moment.

So we are in this cycle where he is nasty/aggressive (to me or to DS) and then goes into super DH/Dad mode to try and make things better.

Only this last time I think he has probably killed any love I had left ...and I have told him so...and now he is in floods of tears begging me not to kick him out and saying he's sorry and how can he make it up to me if I won't let him try...

And I am lost.

How has he genuinely not understood how badly he has been behaving? He does sound genuinely contrite when he apologises, and he seems horrified that he might have brought us to the point of no return...or possibly I'm being stupid and this is just more manipulation to try and keep the status quo.

He is on the spectrum somewhere (undiagnosed through him being unwilling to engage with the process), but can being neurodiverse really account for such extremes of behaviour? I am not for a minute suggesting that everyone not NT is a nasty piece of work, so please don't start a pile-on on that basis, I am just trying to understand what behaviour he possibly cannot help, and what is just his character.

I think I want him to move out - even if temporarily (but possibly not) to give us some space, and maybe he could get some help - but when I suggested that he got hysterical.

I know there are lots of women on here with far more nasty DH's than this, but I cannot live like this, even if the upheaval to change it is not something I want to contemplate.

@Peach1886 how are you doing?xx

I was with someone like this, they had ADHD. It was responsible for lack of diplomacy, it was responsible for shouty outbursts. I understood this, and yes, it did make me able to maintain a sense of calm because I knew he didn't mean to be that blunt, and had trouble with things not being black or white. It was tricky to have rational conversation at times. These are things that I could tolerate and work with. These things did not end our relationship.

However, he was also emotionally abusive. Which had nothing to do with ADHD. This did end our relationship.

So, whilst it's possible that he will come back with his assessment as positive, the contribution to abusive behaviour is minimal. It might mean when you argue you can feel like he doesn't understand reason. The behaviour that is the problem, that you refer to as vile, is abuse, and not linked to ADHD.

I am fine thanks everyone, DH has reluctantly agreed to moving out for a trial separation, after huge amounts of tears and begging, but my heart has hardened and I am not giving in.

The practicalities are yet to be sorted out, but so long as he's out of here I can manage everything else. @Jellybeanqween your DH sounds much worse than mine so I am glad you have also had enough...one step at a time as you say.

DH is saying he can change and is arranging more counselling...but I'm not holding my breath.

Thanks @TwinsandTrifle, your experience is very helpful, especially as I am gradually coming to realise that it doesn't matter what his label is, he is still not someone I want to be with.

That is a great update.

Change the locks the minute he is out the door and start divorce proceedings so that he knows there is no coming back.

Be honest with family and friends that despite appearances you have been emotionally abused for years and it is over.

Once he is gone, and the locks are changed, gather all his stuff up so it can be delivered by van to wherever he is.

Make it very clear there is no fixing this.

I think you are not going to know yourself not having his nastiness in your face, in your home.

Keep posting and well done 👏

Oh and expect him to be very nasty once he knows you are not going to be bullied by him again.

Don't hesitate to call the police if he kicks off.

@Peach1886 I'm glad that you are ok & that he has agreed to trial separation, keep that momentum going if you can, I know it's so hard!! You are doing the right thing. I read a really good article about toxic relationships recently & it gave me another boost, I'll see if I can link it here. It talks about how the fantasy of how things could be can keep you stuck and that is exactly what happens - they treat you well for a while, you think they have changed then bam! You are right back to square one again once you let your guard down. We can do this! Keep your chin up & remember to look after yourself in amongst all this. Sending love, courage & strength xx

www.heysigmund.com/toxic-relationship-how-to-let-go/

The article I was talking about x

Excellent update, Peach. That must have been very hard, but you are proving you can do this!

He moved out yesterday - I think until the last minute he was hoping I’d change my
mind but I didn’t. This morning the house feels calmer and although I’m physically and emotionally exhausted I feel like a weight has been lifted…could be adrenaline of course I know I’m not going to get away that easily, but I’m going to try and take things one day at a time instead of worrying about what the future holds.

This is a wonderful update that I am delighted to read.

Well done.

🙏🙏 change the locks on the door.

He is a nasty abusive man and you do not want him returning.

I also think placing a mark on your house and number with the police.

Tell your GP that you have ended years of abuse.

Be proactive in protecting yourself and tell EVERYONE the truth.

Keep posting.
Be very proud of yourself

Great update! Go, girl!

Fantastic update @Peach1886! I know how much emotional strength & courage that must have taken. You must be utterly exhausted. Be gentle with yourself over the next few weeks/months, have good friends around you and as you say, one day at a time xx

Glad he has gone

DH has now been diagnosed with depression and he is saying this is what has caused the problem - I don’t know what to think, could it be true or is it just more manipulation?

Depression, just like ASD and ADHD is not a reason for abusive behaviour. Or an excuse as he is trying to make it now. The fact that he has in the past, quite easily, switched off his shitty behaviour when he's realised he's pushed you too far, and then switched it back on when he thought he's sucked you back in, shows his behaviour is neither a ND or a mh issue.

What's his plan now he has been 'diagnosed' (by his gp? Do you have proof?)? Is he expecting to move straight back in? Expecting you to support him ? Is he having therapy? Started ADs?

Depression really is a top manipulative excuse for abusers when they realise they've been rumbled. Next will be the subtle references to suicide.

Do not fall for this. Did he wonder if he was depressed for the many many years he treated you like shit? Did he look for reasons for his shitty behaviour when you were crying? Did he give a shit that he treated you like shut then?

Obviously that should have been another 'shit' not 'shut'. My phone must have decided I was swearing too much! Shitty phone.

His depression is a red herring though isn’t it?

You aren’t obligated to take him back. You don’t have to give the fucker the time of day

I mean, pretend he’s been diagnosed with… I dunno ‘Irritable Arsehole Syndrome‘ the cure for which is one tablet. And Bingo, he is totally, permanently St Francis of Assisi. The most loving, kind, helpful person In The World.

Still don’t have to take him back. Still don’t have to even give him the time of day.

I’d be tempted to say ‘that’s nice dear‘ and move on. There’s way, way too much water under the bridge to ever reconsider going anywhere near him. That’s his tough tit

Also. I think he’s lying. But that’s by the bye.

Sorry but that diagnosis sounds quite convenient for him. If he thinks it means you will take him back, that is.

Bluntly... So what? Why should you care?

His behaviour is at the root of all of his ills. If your reaction to his bike behaviour has upset his world view, so what? Are you supposed to go back to all of that so he can maintain his sense of self... and bullying, gobshite behaviour?

Nope. Nothing to do with you. Ignore him and all of his pity party. That's an invitation you should decline with ease.