Abuser or idiot?

[Peach1886]

DH has been increasingly nasty over recent years, and in a rage told me yesterday that he hasn't been happy since DS was born, because I haven't been affectionate enough since then.

What I didn't manage to say, because I was too scared with being shouted at, is that I haven't felt affectionate (he apparently means in general, not just sex) because he has been so bad tempered, and occasionally really vile both to me and DS.

So it's true when he says I have shut down, he just doesn't want to accept it's his fault.

After yet another screaming session (him) and tears (me), he has been "trying to make it up to me" by being super-helpful, doing all the chores and attempting to cuddle me...which I just cannot respond to at the moment.

So we are in this cycle where he is nasty/aggressive (to me or to DS) and then goes into super DH/Dad mode to try and make things better.

Only this last time I think he has probably killed any love I had left ...and I have told him so...and now he is in floods of tears begging me not to kick him out and saying he's sorry and how can he make it up to me if I won't let him try...

And I am lost.

How has he genuinely not understood how badly he has been behaving? He does sound genuinely contrite when he apologises, and he seems horrified that he might have brought us to the point of no return...or possibly I'm being stupid and this is just more manipulation to try and keep the status quo.

He is on the spectrum somewhere (undiagnosed through him being unwilling to engage with the process), but can being neurodiverse really account for such extremes of behaviour? I am not for a minute suggesting that everyone not NT is a nasty piece of work, so please don't start a pile-on on that basis, I am just trying to understand what behaviour he possibly cannot help, and what is just his character.

I think I want him to move out - even if temporarily (but possibly not) to give us some space, and maybe he could get some help - but when I suggested that he got hysterical.

I know there are lots of women on here with far more nasty DH's than this, but I cannot live like this, even if the upheaval to change it is not something I want to contemplate.

Guess @Opentooffers isn't an eldest or only then....

OP,

He sounds dreadful.

Well done for recognising it and making a plan.

Please reach out for support.

Tell the truth.

He is not a good man.

Stop making his life so comfortable.

Please, please ring 101 and have a marker put on your mobile number.

You are afraid of him.

Please accept that and let the police know that you want him out of your life.

Save money any way you can.

Keep posting.

Firstly stop beating yourself up about how you have found yourself in this position. What is important is you are acting on your knowledge now, that is the thing you must put your energy into now, not berating yourself. Diagnosis or not, there is no excuse for these behaviours. You have had the blinkers lifted from your eyes now, get yourself and your son away from this man as soon as you practically can. Its not an easy process with such a wanker in tow but it has to be done. Please seek therapy for yourself so you dont get caught in a cycle of abuse where you return to your abuser which so many women do. Be strong, get help, make a plan and save yourself and your son.

Not an eldest child or autistic, just plain abusive. Get you and your kid out asap

I also would not wait until next Spring to divorce him because that will merely give him more months to abuse you and in turn your child.
Would urge you therefore to have a rethink and perhaps look at divorcing him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Both Women’s Aid and the Rights of Women organisations are helpful.

Women are not rehab centres for badly raised men.

If you do want to slap a label on him make it abuser.
I doubt very much he has any form of ADHD either
particularly as he can and dies behave perfectly well around those in the outside world.

For God's sake @Closetbeanmuncher she's not tarring all people on the spectrum! Surely there's behavior traits she's referring to after living with her partner for many years!?! You don't know the man to doubt the veracity of her post

I appreciate your reply peach, and I was a bit harsh perhaps, apologies. 💐

In regards to getting him out is it your house? I would ensure your little one isn't there when you tell him.

Are there any friends or family members that would be present while he leaves? He would be less likely to kick off with witnesses there.

Don't feel stupid or ashamed. Many of us (myself included) have found ourselves in abusive relationships. Often by the time you see the real person you're up to your neck in it.

FFS...since I said to him that I'd like him to leave, he is, unasked (and unappreciated) catching up with lots of chores around the house, and in his spare moments he's finding time to be Dad-of-the-Year...and then updating me on all of it...

Denial knows no bounds it seems

Well we knew that was coming in fairness. Another two day turn around then reverts to type.😒

If you want a peaceful life long term peach you need to follow through. As soon as he realises you're serious he'll get nasty, or the crocodile tears will start... I guarantee it.

Which just goes to show he could have been nice to you & his children and done his share, but instead, over the last several years he has chosen to abuse, bully and opt out because it suited him better.

It's not difficult to be nice to the people you love, it ought to come naturally - but instead he has preferred to be a shit.

@Justcallmebebes

This must be terrifying and very confusing for your son and I don't buy the link between neurodiversity and abusive behaviour. He sounds an abusive bully and you need to protect your son from him.

You say he begs you not to kick him out but you need to think of your child and put him first

That’s because there is no link. Neurodiverse people are often ‘odd’ or ‘awkward’ but it’s not a reason for abuse. Neurodiverse people can of course be abusive but it isn’t because of their diversity.

@helplesshopeless that brilliant thank you!

Things got v unpleasant last night, anger and tears and then he walked out saying he was going to kill himself…I don’t have a lot of time for that kind of drama so although I was scared I just waited…and he came back and sat there crying…what a mess!

Those of you that have been here, how do I know this isn’t me being over/sensitive, there are moments when I panic and think I have imagined it, or just blown it out of all proportion. And he also said last night that it’s me that has been the difficult one, I know I am sensitive to aggressive behaviour due to a fucked-up childhood , lots of therapy since then and this is the first time I have felt able to be honest about my feelings, but could it be me, and I just don’t realise it? Or is this feeling “normal” in an an abusive relationship?

Sorry for the rambling my head is all over the place + lack of sleep. Thankfully DS slept through it all

Abusers always say you are the problem, you are not imagining it, you are not blowing it out of proportion.

During my 17yr emotionally abusive marriage I thought I was controlling of him,it was only when I left that I realised he had been emotionally abusing me for years and controlled me but had managed to convince me I was the problem.

My ex husband threatened to kill himself all the time if I left him when he had emotional affairs. When I eventually left him he did some half hearted attempts at suicide because he thought he could emotionally blackmail me. I went running the first time, the 2nd time I rung for an ambulance, the 3rd time I did nothing and he's still alive.

Abusers are manipulative. His tears are for himself and what he might lose.
Don't fall for it, this is why you can't discuss it with him because he knows how to manipulate you to feel confused and that you should give it another go

@Peach2021 Name change fail (just in case people search just by your posts)

He is awful.

Abusive and manipulative.

Get him out.

You are not the problem here.

"And he also said last night that it’s me that has been the difficult one, I know I am sensitive to aggressive behaviour due to a fucked-up childhood , lots of therapy since then and this is the first time I have felt able to be honest about my feelings, but could it be me, and I just don’t realise it? Or is this feeling “normal” in an an abusive relationship?"

What would other people close to you in your life say to you, about the kind of person you are and how you act? It's all part of the efforts to grind you down and also have you questioning yourself so much you don't know your own mind anymore, never mind truth/lies, reality/bullshit etc etc.

I would leave today and go stay with someone who you trust and who will listen to you. He's being aggressive to your child, this is abhorrent OP.

My ex was extremely abusive. He was also autistic. As am I and as are our children.

He wasn't abusive because he was autistic, he was an abusive man who just happened to be autistic.

Both things can coincide but the autism never causes the abuse as a reason in itself.

So many stories about awful men on here at the moment...

thank you everyone for your thoughts and support, it is helping a lot, I do have people IRL I can talk to but no one knows the full extent of this just yet...tbh I feel like I am only just understanding it myself; @SortingItOut I feel like I'm about to discover the same thing, he has always been very vocal about me "being in charge" but there is more than a possiblity that he has been running things without me realising

I am determined to get him to move out (it's my house even if it has been his home) even though it's really hard seeing DS so happy with him this morning .

@Peach1886 how are you getting on? Have you had any further discussions about him moving out. Thinking of you

Unfortunately, as you are married, it's his house also. Unless you rent?

@Peach1886 your story sounds exactly like mine! My DH & yours sound like they are cut from the same cloth. Slowly started dawning on me last year that I was in a toxic/abusive relationship. Lockdowns were horrific being stuck in with each other & our baby son. He name called, was controlling about me breastfeeding & baby sleeping patterns, berated & lectured me over little things he didn't like & then shat his pants when I eventually had the guts to say enough. We went to marriage counselling & after being made lots of promises of change I stupidly agreed to stay. Roll on 6 months & I am plotting my escape plan. He hasn't changed, and I know now he never will.

I will be thinking of you & following your progress. It is really scary thinking of all the upheaval it will cause, but from reading the stories of others on here who have made the break I know it will be worth it, to be able to relax & not walk on eggshells in my own home! Sending love & strength xx

Well done @Jellybeanqween for makings plans to escape and being brave enough to admit that he won't change.

That seems a huge block for a lot of people.

Thanks @billy1966.

Some days I feel stronger than others, just taking it a step at a time. I have good family & friend support - just unfortunate they do not live nearby! Just need to keep the end goal in sight now. Thanks again for replying

@Peach1886 How are you doing?x