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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

59 replies

DrFarah · 15/10/2021 07:35

Hello,

I would like some thoughts please from others on my current dilemma. I have a 7-year old boy from my first marriage who lives with his father. I am currently entering my 40s and in a 1-year marriage with someone who is quite younger than me (we have been together for about 4 years).

As we are of islamic-pakistani origin and our families did not approve of our marriage, we have married without their knowledge. My husband currently spends one night at mine, and one night with his male room mate (this is due to his work place, and preventing them from finding out he stays with me). We get along really well otherwise, and our sexual relationship is strong. However, I feel emotionally disconnected a lot of the time as we argue every few weeks from my own initiation, I become angry about several things that I have been tolerating for a couple of years now, which is this:

  • We don't go out anywhere together, not for a meal, or just to hang out for a drive, and whenever I have brought this up, he tells me that he can't take me out anywhere in public because someone might see him together with me, and he doesn't want to risk getting caught as it will have repercussions.
  • He goes out for meals with his male room mate, and other male colleagues which I am very supportive of and I am happy that he goes out with them, but starting to feel that his life doesn't seem balanced - sort of too much on the side of his room mate and work.
  • He spends about three nights a week at mine, and works 7 days a week until around 8pm. The only time we see each other is 3 nights a week, he has no days off. We usually have dinner together and then sleep.
  • I am someone who loves solitude, and does not need reassurance or validation from others. I have lived alone for years, and I am wondering whether it is just me being stupid, unreasonable and impatient with him?

I would really appreciate some objective light thrown on my situation. Perhaps it will give me some food for thought, as I tend to become stuck in introspection, and seeking help from others is not easy for me. I like self-sufficiency which I know can be problematic at times. I am living in a foreign country, away from my family/friends.

Thank you in advance!

OP posts:
category12 · 15/10/2021 07:49

Are you legally married?

What would the repercussions be, if he was found out?

Won't his family expect him to get married at some point - what will happen then?

FritataPatate · 15/10/2021 07:50

This is not right. You know this.
Are you sure he is where he says he is, when he's not with you?

category12 · 15/10/2021 07:51

Sorry for all the questions. I don't think this would work for me at all, being someone's secret.

altmember · 15/10/2021 07:56

What job makes someone work 7 days a week until 8pm every night?

HettySunshine · 15/10/2021 07:59

What is your long term plan? Are you ever going to tell your families about your marriage?

Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 08:01

Hello,

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Yes, we are legally married, both from a religious perspective and also registered legally in the country we are living in.

Yes, you are right his family do expect him to be married. His mother is aware of us being together, but does not know we have legally married. He tells me that he will eventually tell both of his parents about our marriage. The repercussions would be that his work manager would tell his father as they are friends, and previously told him to leave me and that our relationship is not suitable (due to our age difference and his father not approving of our marriage).

I am pretty certain he stays with his male room mate, but of course it is not outside the realm of possibility that he might stay elsewhere. His room mate knows about our marriage and comes to pick and drop him from my place.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 08:02

Thank you for the recent messages, it is so supportive of you to respond so quickly to my dilemma.

Yes, we have long-term plans, we are going to try for a baby early next year and feel excited about it. He tells me that he will tell his parents when we have a baby.

OP posts:
FritataPatate · 15/10/2021 08:06

Please don't have a baby in this situation. Your husband needs to start taking you out in public first!

HettySunshine · 15/10/2021 08:06

@DrFarah

Thank you for the recent messages, it is so supportive of you to respond so quickly to my dilemma.

Yes, we have long-term plans, we are going to try for a baby early next year and feel excited about it. He tells me that he will tell his parents when we have a baby.

But what if he doesn't?

You mention you are away from your own family. You could find yourself alone all day, every day with a newborn baby and no help at all.

Please don't have a baby with this man until you know he has told his family everything.

Do you have friends around you?

category12 · 15/10/2021 08:06

Is a grandchild likely to bring them round?

FinallyHere · 15/10/2021 08:14

He tells me that he will tell his parents when we have a baby.

Oh, lovely, I am so sorry to read your story. It seems to me as a complete outsider, that you are carrying all the burden of this relationship, while his life has not really changed. Why has he not yet had the guts to tell his family who he s and that you are part of this life? How do you feel about being his guilty secret?

Having a child as the price of him telling his parents, that seems to me to be very, very unfair. Even more unfair than where you are now, hidden away as his secret.

How about you say no children until your relationship is out in the open? What is your situation apart from him? Do you have an education, a job, a career. Can you support yourself ?

I am sure that he means well, but the weight of his family's approval is clearly important to him. They could do easily image, however wrongly, that you had trapped him into having a baby. It could go do badly wrong for you and your child.

All the very best.

Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 08:14

No, I have no friends. I think I have to accept my own part in this, I could make friends very easily but have made a conscious choice not to go out looking for friendship. I have a childhood friend who lives in the UK and we speak occasionally.

I am much of an introvert, I have my own therapy practice working from home (my consulting room is on the ground floor). I think the nature of my work also makes it difficult as I attend to other people's emotional needs which I find very satisfying. But this perhaps leaves me with a feeling of not being supported. I know I play a big part in this with my own need for self-sufficiency which is why I feel I am being unreasonable with my husband.

Yes, your comments make sense about not having a baby with him until he has told his family. Perhaps I could discuss this and agree it with him, whenever I have mentioned my concern about not having his support with our baby, that I do not want to be left alone, he assures me that he will be here with me by then, when the situation arises.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 08:29

I also wanted to add that I think what is making my difficult more challenging is that I have not seen my son who lives in Manchester, for 2 years due to the pandemic and Pakistan was on the red list for 5 months. Thankfully, and with the grace of god it is now open so I am planning to go soon Smile

I am very grateful for everything I have in my life, and do not want to come across as unappreciative. I am happy to have my husband near me of course, but I just have these lingering concerns.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 08:31

Apologies - error in my first sentence. It was meant to read "my situation more difficult..."

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 15/10/2021 08:44

he will be here with me by then, when the situation arises.

My question would be, why is the fact of being married not, to him, sufficient for him to openly acknowledge you as his wife.

I just can't get my head around his actions here. What does it mean that he marries you and keeps it a secret? To me, the whole point of marriage is to show the world that you are now a couple.

I hope that you can get this resolved, sooner rather than later.

RantyAunty · 15/10/2021 09:16

Is your family islamic-pakistani or his? Are you living in Pakistan now?

From what you described, I am not seeing what you get out of being there with him.

Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 09:19

Thank you so much for your responses and thoughts, I appreciate you all taking the time out.

Yes, we are both of Pakistani decent and live in Pakistan. I moved here about 4 years ago, I was in Saudi before that and I am originally from North East England!

I am aware of this other side of me, because of my age and reduced chances of pregnancy, there is an urge to try for another baby. This would be my husband's first, and my second (as my 7-year old son lives with his father).

OP posts:
category12 · 15/10/2021 09:22

And forgive me, but as you're hitting 40, what happens if you struggle to conceive?

Will he just never tell his family about the marriage? Do you trust him to stay with you and support you emotionally if TTC fails?

Before you got married, did he give a timeline about telling his family? Has he shifted the goalposts or was it always when you have a baby together?

Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 09:34

Yes, we have talked about this. I have asked him; what if I cannot get pregnant after trying for a couple of years. He tells me that he will still stay with me, regardless of whether we are able to have kids and because "we" have my 7-year old son. There is a side of him that is quite mature and adult like, as he keeps my son's picture on his phone wallpaper screen (although he has never met him). He does support me in terms of my having a son and a past etc.

We got married last December, and when we spoke about it then he told me he will tell them several months after. The time came, and he didn't tell them, a difficult situation came up in his family and he told he did not feel ready yet to tell his parents. I made an explicit promise to him early this year that "I will not ask you again or force you to tell your parents, that is your decision".

Now when it comes up in conversation, he had just been home recently and was speaking about me with his mother (she knows we see each other), and was "about" to tell her we are married but didn't. We have had a big fight this morning, and this came up again. There is always an excuse or some reason that comes up, i.e. his work manager is his father's friend and he is due to change jobs for this reason, so that he can have more freedom and can tell his father then.

The worst case scenario for him (which I understand) is that his work manager will terminate his employment (they did this once before around 3.5 years ago when they found out we were together). It is natural he is going to be worried about not having work, should anyone find out. At the same time, it seems to be dragging on and I don't know if I am just being impatient. I do consider myself to be quite a tolerant person in any case (but I could be wrong).

OP posts:
category12 · 15/10/2021 09:40

I don't think you're impatient.

Possibly too patient and understanding. He's shifted the goalposts lots of times and I'd be concerned that he'll always have a reason not to tell his family.

I'd work on building yourself a social network and support aside from him, if you can.

FinallyHere · 15/10/2021 09:48

The time came, and he didn't tell them, a difficult situation came up in his family and he told he did not feel ready yet to tell his parents. I made an explicit promise to him early this year that "I will not ask you again or force you to tell your parents, that is your decision".

Oh dear, I am so sorry. There is never a hood time to have what seem to be difficult conversations.

There will never be a good time. Now he is saying there are reasons at work as well as within his family to keep his relationship with you a secret.

I don't think you are impatient. It is not impatient to expect your lawfully wedded husband to acknowledge you publicly. I would say it is the very, very minimum you can expect from him. I would be wondering why you put up with so much from him ? Please, dig deep and find your self esteem. Set the bar for what you expect in an adult relationship a lot higher than this. Please. Show yourself the love you deserve.

It sounds as if building up your work and friends network to make sure you maintain your independence is the way to go here.

What would your life be like without him ? Would you visit your son and perhaps stay within much closer reach, so you can have a proper relationship with the child you already have rather than have another child with a man who is not treating you well at all.

So, so sorry that you imaging there is any universe in which your husbands position is reasonable. Can he really think it is right to treat you like this. ?

RantyAunty · 15/10/2021 11:06

It seems so sad he'd get fired for being with you.

Would it be possible for you both to move to the UK?

You'd get to see your son more and could actually have a married life without hiding.

Buggritbuggrit · 15/10/2021 11:21

OP, what are you getting out of this relationship? What benefit or joy does it bring you?

CoronaPeroni · 15/10/2021 11:33

I don't understand why you can't go out together. His parents know you're dating (or do they?) so why would anyone seeing you together assume you're married? I think there's more to keeping you hidden than what he says.

CoronaPeroni · 15/10/2021 11:36

All these things that he says, do you have proof? Eg you actually know he works 24/7 and also this strange relationship with his manager. Aga8n, why would the manager care if you are seeing each other? No one actually has to know about the marriage.