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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

59 replies

DrFarah · 15/10/2021 07:35

Hello,

I would like some thoughts please from others on my current dilemma. I have a 7-year old boy from my first marriage who lives with his father. I am currently entering my 40s and in a 1-year marriage with someone who is quite younger than me (we have been together for about 4 years).

As we are of islamic-pakistani origin and our families did not approve of our marriage, we have married without their knowledge. My husband currently spends one night at mine, and one night with his male room mate (this is due to his work place, and preventing them from finding out he stays with me). We get along really well otherwise, and our sexual relationship is strong. However, I feel emotionally disconnected a lot of the time as we argue every few weeks from my own initiation, I become angry about several things that I have been tolerating for a couple of years now, which is this:

  • We don't go out anywhere together, not for a meal, or just to hang out for a drive, and whenever I have brought this up, he tells me that he can't take me out anywhere in public because someone might see him together with me, and he doesn't want to risk getting caught as it will have repercussions.
  • He goes out for meals with his male room mate, and other male colleagues which I am very supportive of and I am happy that he goes out with them, but starting to feel that his life doesn't seem balanced - sort of too much on the side of his room mate and work.
  • He spends about three nights a week at mine, and works 7 days a week until around 8pm. The only time we see each other is 3 nights a week, he has no days off. We usually have dinner together and then sleep.
  • I am someone who loves solitude, and does not need reassurance or validation from others. I have lived alone for years, and I am wondering whether it is just me being stupid, unreasonable and impatient with him?

I would really appreciate some objective light thrown on my situation. Perhaps it will give me some food for thought, as I tend to become stuck in introspection, and seeking help from others is not easy for me. I like self-sufficiency which I know can be problematic at times. I am living in a foreign country, away from my family/friends.

Thank you in advance!

OP posts:
Hanab · 15/10/2021 11:40

Your are married.. stop being a secret.. are you sure he is with his roommate and not another wife?
You have made nikah .. face the consequences of doing it without ‘permission’ .. as long as you had witnesses no one can separate you.
The Almighty forbid one of you end up in hospital or worse and then only the family finds out..

Do not be a secret .. own your decisions ..

Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 11:46

Thank you everyone for your comments. Yes, we could certainly live in the UK and we have talked about moving there once our child (if I am successful in conceiving) is around 3-4 years old. The main reason for this is so that our child can get a good education there, and I would be closer to my son Smile. He also agrees with this and said he would move with me.

His mother knows we see each other; his father works near our town and his father knew about us and did not give his approval for marriage. If he was to see us, or anyone associated with my husband they would tell his father, before he moves jobs to be with another employer. His current employer asked him, several years ago, not to see me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 11:52

Hello Hanab,

Yes, you are quite right. They are bound to find out one day, and we have done nothing wrong or illegal. We are both consenting adults, and I am almost 40! My own family knows I have a relationship with him (which they did not agree with), but they do not know we have married. I am prepared for whatever consequences there may be, including my father disowning me for the second time in my life. I respect my father's decision, if he does not want to have any contact with me after he learns that I have married, and in future, if I was to have a baby. My father discussed this with me some two years ago and made it clear to me that if I was to have a baby with him, to keep my personal family life separate. I agree to this, and I am prepared to face it. I have been through this once before, and it has really contributed to my personal growth. Pain is necessary for one to grow.

OP posts:
BubblinTrouble · 15/10/2021 11:52

This all sounds really messy. I’m sure this man loves you but at the moment he’s getting a great deal with you. You are so patient! I really think he needs to take a stand and become public with you and deal with the fallout. Can he secure employment elsewhere easily? I think you need an honest discussion. I can’t see you waiting around forever for him. Please only have a baby when it’s all sorted. You will need a support network. I wish you all the luck.

nameisnotimportant · 15/10/2021 11:54

It sounds like he has another family. He spends every other night away from you and sometimes works 7 days until 8pm. Are you sure he is staying with his flat mate and going out with work colleagues?

Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 11:55

Some more information...if it helps you make an objective assessment! (a warm thanks to you all for reading my posts):

He always calls me when he visits his home town, and family (every 2 months or so). His mother and I send each other small gifts etc, so I am fairly certain that he does not have another marriage etc.

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 15/10/2021 12:04

I can't see how this can work out for you.

He will always care too much what his family think. He is being very disrespectful to you. You are his wife but you are being treated as a secret, something to be ashamed of. Why would some enormous change come around in his attitude / their attitude now... the moment to show them you were together and staying together no matter what their opinions are has past... it past when you got married and nothing changed.

This is just silly. You deserve better. Concentrate on your relationship with your child and being there for the kid, not away from him. He should be number 1 priority before considering a second child.

Mermaidwaves · 15/10/2021 12:25

Are you sure you are not his second secret wife? Therefore his parents know you exist but won't acknowledge you as a potential DIL. I have seen this happen in my ExHs culture, a lot of men have their official wife who is known and accepted by the community but they also will have a secret second wife who is always on the fringes and never meet the family or friends.

category12 · 15/10/2021 12:34

Wouldn't it make more sense to move back to the UK together now, so your dh can actually meet your son and you don't miss out on so much time with your son? And should you have another child, you can build up a sibling relationship from the start.

Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 12:53

That does make sense, and I have lamented on this very often. It certainly has been quite torturous mentally! It would be ideal if I could settle back, there are few complications. My son's father would not agree for my husband to see my son. Financially speaking, my husband would need to work casual jobs as he has not been to University. He currently works as an estate agent, with qualifications up to GCSE level.

The other part of me is conscious that if I was to settle back and have a baby there, I would afford to stay at home with my baby for 6 months versus 2.5 years staying here in Pakistan (due to the cheap living costs). I stayed a full-time mum with my son for two years, and as a Psychologist, I have a deep conviction about the enormous benefits of giving this quality time (if one can as a mum of course). I was very fortunate to have that liberty, I went on maternity leave and then moved to Saudi with my ex-husband and our little boy. It has given him the foundation I wanted him to have. Of course now, we are in less than ideal circumstances, but I thank god every day that my son is well cared for, loved and is getting a good education in Manchester. It hurts everyday being away from him, even though we do video call every week. We miss each other a lot, but somehow I have faith that our bond will remain (or I will make sure it does!).

OP posts:
category12 · 15/10/2021 12:58

But you'd be sacrificing 5 years at minimum of your existing son's childhood for the sake of a fantasy that may not happen. As a psychologist, shouldn't you be more worried about those missing years in his childhood? Confused He'll be a teenager/young adult before you are living in the same country.

Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 13:39

I have been pregnant twice in the past with my husband, thus I feel there is a degree of possibility for us to conceive again (if the Universe wills it).

OP posts:
Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 13:42

Another caveat to my situation which is very real is if I was to settle back, we would be looking around 2 years before my husband would get his visa to enter into UK, based on our marriage as he does not have citizenship. For me, a long distance relationship/marriage will likely die, especially without children.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/10/2021 13:42

I have a deep conviction about the enormous benefits of giving this quality time (if one can as a mum of course

How come your existing older child doesn't deserve your time, only an infant?

Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 13:51

I will be able to see my son at best once a week, which is similar to what I am having now. I will see him three times a year (now that the pandemic is settling, or so we hope), which in my mind is better quality time. His holidays are mostly spent with his father's side of the family. This is a complicated issue, as there is a lot of history with their own priorities and involving my son in them. They will always come first, and I have accepted that. I made a conscious decision a few years back not to drag my son through a nasty and ugly court case for custody. He is receiving good care, is loved and is settled where he is. I cannot really ask for anything more than that.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2021 13:54

This whole situation is a disaster. Your poor son.

Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 13:57

Thank you for all your comments, and in being candid with your thoughts. Yes, indeed, it is very sad and tragic. That is life, and more often than note children have more trauma bring raised by their parents living at home together (for the sake of children). A good divorce is better than a bad marriage. Who knows what the universe has in store? One must ride the storm of life...I have been through worse and I have faith that me and my son will both get through this together.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 13:59

apologies, error! *more often than not

OP posts:
category12 · 15/10/2021 14:02

I'd agree a good divorce is better than a bad marriage, but I find it difficult to get my head around choosing to live in a different country to your son.

altmember · 15/10/2021 14:08

Do you really want to start a family with a man who works until 8pm 7 days a week? Doesn't sound like he has time for family life.

stalkersaga · 15/10/2021 14:09

... I'm sorry, but I'm stuck on the part where you haven't seen your own 7yo son in two years. Is being closer to him and seeing him not rather more of a priority than another man who won't even acknowledge you and a baby that doesn't exist yet?

Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 14:09

Yes, you are right to be curious about how I ended up living here. I was in exile (sort of), I was disowned and my then job contract in Saudi came to an end. I was in an unhealthy relationship, and did not have enough finance to fund myself to settle back in the UK (away from my family). My family offered a loan to help me settle back, however I had already failed with something else (a different context when I was in my mid-20s) and once before had moved back near my family. I did not want to face that shame again, I consciously chose to suffer myself with the very little finance I had left over, and decided to apply for jobs here in this country. I got a Professor position at a University, and slowly began to build my therapeutic practice in the evenings and weekends, to create some financial stability for myself. When I first moved here, I was living in cheap hotels in different towns and eating barely anything whilst applying for jobs.

I do not usually disclose such information as I have above. This is a deeply private part of my life, and I can say with certainty that experiencing what I have done in that time has changed me at a very deep soul level. I can never be the person I was before that, and it was own conscious decision. I do not regret it.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrFarah · 15/10/2021 14:10

I used to see my son in the summer and xmas holidays until the pandemic hit us. UK went into lockdown, and then Pakistan was on the red list.

OP posts:
woohoo54 · 15/10/2021 14:14

It's hardly Romeo and Juliet if he's too scared to be seen out with you. He's having his cake and eating too, married to you but not brave enough to tell his parents. You can't live your life for them and the longer it goes on the more shocked and angry they'll be when they eventually do find out. It's time to tell them and really put your foot down on this. The truth will get out anyway at some point and it will be a million times better if he hears it from you.

VanGoghsDog · 15/10/2021 14:23

@DrFarah

Another caveat to my situation which is very real is if I was to settle back, we would be looking around 2 years before my husband would get his visa to enter into UK, based on our marriage as he does not have citizenship. For me, a long distance relationship/marriage will likely die, especially without children.
And you're more worried about this than the current impact on your seven year old son?

I'm sorry, you have your priorities wrong.