Am I being unreasonable?

[DrFarah]

Hello,

I would like some thoughts please from others on my current dilemma. I have a 7-year old boy from my first marriage who lives with his father. I am currently entering my 40s and in a 1-year marriage with someone who is quite younger than me (we have been together for about 4 years).

As we are of islamic-pakistani origin and our families did not approve of our marriage, we have married without their knowledge. My husband currently spends one night at mine, and one night with his male room mate (this is due to his work place, and preventing them from finding out he stays with me). We get along really well otherwise, and our sexual relationship is strong. However, I feel emotionally disconnected a lot of the time as we argue every few weeks from my own initiation, I become angry about several things that I have been tolerating for a couple of years now, which is this:

• We don't go out anywhere together, not for a meal, or just to hang out for a drive, and whenever I have brought this up, he tells me that he can't take me out anywhere in public because someone might see him together with me, and he doesn't want to risk getting caught as it will have repercussions.
• He goes out for meals with his male room mate, and other male colleagues which I am very supportive of and I am happy that he goes out with them, but starting to feel that his life doesn't seem balanced - sort of too much on the side of his room mate and work.
• He spends about three nights a week at mine, and works 7 days a week until around 8pm. The only time we see each other is 3 nights a week, he has no days off. We usually have dinner together and then sleep.
• I am someone who loves solitude, and does not need reassurance or validation from others. I have lived alone for years, and I am wondering whether it is just me being stupid, unreasonable and impatient with him?

I would really appreciate some objective light thrown on my situation. Perhaps it will give me some food for thought, as I tend to become stuck in introspection, and seeking help from others is not easy for me. I like self-sufficiency which I know can be problematic at times. I am living in a foreign country, away from my family/friends.

Thank you in advance!

@DrFarah

I used to see my son in the summer and xmas holidays until the pandemic hit us. UK went into lockdown, and then Pakistan was on the red list.

Being on the red list did not prevent all travel.

Thankyou woohoo54 for your honesty. Your comment has given me some positivity that I am not being unreasonable, and I will certainly discuss this with him again. You are so right; they are going to find out eventually whether now or if we did have a child. It is respectful for all involved if he was to let them know now. In a previous fight about this, I was so angry with him, I told him that he can deal with the consequences on his own if he chooses to keep delaying it.

Being on the red list means (as far as I understand), paying for an approved government hotel for 11 nights, with a cost of 2285. I would not get the leave here from work for such a long-term leave, not to mention the required financial cost for travelling from a red list country. We are off the list now with god's grace, and I can visit now.

OP have you verified any of this situation independently of your secret husband, or are you purely going on what he tells you?

Have you for example ever spoken to his mum directly? His friends? These gifts his mum sends, does she send a card in her own writing or does he just hand you something and say "Mum sent this"?

I'm sure you can see what I'm driving at.

Re the situation with your son, this is the first time I've ever posted "if you were a bloke writing that on here you'd be crucified." Your son was what, 2-3 years old when your marriage ended? (if I've read your posts right) And you decided to let him go because that was better for you - not for your son, for you - than the expense and pain of fighting your ex for contact. Did you even seek legal advice? There is no chance at all under UK law that you would be deprived of contact/residence completely or even for the majority.

I am sorry for your situation but my sympathy lies with your child. My son's birth mother walked away when he was 3 because staying in his life was "too difficult" and she didn't want to "put him through court". My son is now 26 and despite years of therapy and a lot of love from me he has massive abandonment issues. I urge you to try to resolve the situation with your son before it gets any worse.

Can't your husband change jobs?

I thought you said you were self employed?

Also, there were different rules for split families. My cousins kids live abroad and yes there are costs but she makes the necessary sacrifices to see them and has the financial hit to go with it.

But she would never say it was too hard, or cost too much. I mean, over two years you could have done a lot to get here to see your son.

You are prioritising yourself and this husband who clearly has very little regard for you.

a long distance relationship/marriage will likely die, especially without children.

But...... what about your real life child, the one you haven't even seen for so long. How can you give up seeing him for the sake of a man who will not even tell his parents that you are married.

I'm so sorry to read this.

You aren't being impatient at all, and I think you're being treated incredibly unfairly. I couldn't personally live as someone's secret. You are husband and wife, a team, and you come as one. He needs to tell his family before you start trying for a baby.

Trying for a baby may be tougher, and sorry if I'm going to deep here, if you're only seeing each other a few times a week, this could be a problem with TTC / ovulation dates / timing in the month to try for a baby. You need to stand firm, I know his job is on the line as hard as that is for him, what's more important, a job, or his wife, lifelong partner and the potential mother of his child?

What if you flipped it round and said to him say 'if you don't tell so and so by Christmas, I'm going to do it,' I know you mentioned not mentioning it to him, but you need to put more pressure on him. This is so unbelievable unfair on you, and unfair on the potential child if it's father is only around a handful of times a week. You don't have any support but your husband, you deserve more.

Could you maybe both move to the U.K.?

I honestly think if he doesn't tell his parents soon, he's never going to.

You deserve so, so much more.

And also, your poor son.

I think he also needs to come first. Or certainly before a man who keeps his mum a secret.
You both, you and your son, deserve better and can have better.