Low contact mother asking for money

[TomAllenWife]

I am fairly LC with my narc mother. She will literally suck the life out of me if I allow

A few weeks ago she phoned in tears saying she wanted to borrow £200 to see a surgeon privately as she was in so much pain. She said it would bump her up the list.
I told her o didn't have it, and that in the current climate it wouldn't bump her up the list.
The result of this was she was seen NHS within 2 weeks and is awaiting surgery.

Yesterday she phoned sobbing saying a hearing engineer had come out and said her boiler needed replacing as it was leaking carbon monoxide. She said she knew I didn't have the money but could I ask my partner (who has money) to lend her £3.5k and she would leave him money in her will.

I have asked her to get other quotes as she doesn't even have anything written about the boiler. She said 'don't worry I'll just have to pay for it over 10 years'.
She has money on credit cards with ridiculous interest and I've asked her to balance transfer, she asked me to do it as it takes her too long!!! I'm working full time with 2 dcs at home.

She does well at making me feel guilty, and also she is my mother, but I also know she will take take take
It's stressing me out

Thank you all for the support.

Yes it'll be the silent treatment now until she's either got a hospital appointment and wants sympathy or wants money

It's sad, I wish I had a normal mother. I try my best to not be like her.
She goes through periods where you think she's normal and then BOOM she's back

This isn’t ‘low contact’ OP, it’s distressing you. Suggest the ‘stately homes’ threads and reviewing your frequency of contact and boundaries with your mum.

For example, ‘putting your DP in X position’ is down to you, not your mum - since you’ve decided on the contact/boundaries.

DP also needs to wise up, eg by reading some of the stately homes stuff. His role is to support you, not worry about your mother or get sucked into the drama.

@Dozer I think he realises now that she is just out for what she can get.
Previously he has fallen for the 'poor me' routine

He said even his own mother wouldn't ask him for money like that

Your text, though categorical, leaves the door open for her to ask YOU for money, even if not your partner, if my understanding is correct.

I would make a promise (to just yourself if necessary) not to give her money either. My advice is always have a simple answer to hand - no, I can't or no, i'm sorry I can't. In face, I would say "no" is your first "go to" for almost everything, seriously!

It will be the silent treatment for sure for a long time. Silent Treatment is a form of anger and - especially - contempt. Don't accept her contempt of you, whatever form that takes. Enjoy the ST break, maybe you can do some healing on this issue when you are in this space of freedom from the relationship.

It is sad, as you say, esp when such mothers can appear normal at times, or even most of the time. But if you have a long hard think about it, how normal is normal really?? My mother could be fine and dandy, but looking back, it was me making most if not all the emotional 'effort'. Her 'pleasantness', or neutrality, such that it was, was very passive.

Obviously your post is just one example. I'm sure you have many more. Don't let her "suck you dry" as you describe. If you do decide to respond to her inevitable re-contacting, this is a chance for you to do it as far as possible, on YOUR terms. If that works well that may work for you. VLC/LC/NC is something everyone has to work out for themselves. But do beware, fundamentally, they never really change. IME even if it is nicey-pie for a long time, something shockingly abusive or contemptuous will come out of the blue .

You take care of yourself OP.

If you help her with this it'll be something else next week. Her financial irresponsibility is not your problem. You don't owe her anything. Set your boundaries and stay strong.

Oops, I should add, if your mother is the "engulfing kind" (I wonder this when you mention her MO is to 'suck you dry') you may have a different kind of battle for boundaries on your hands. I'm not sure, as your posts don't go into much, apart from the money re. Tom Allen himself! My mother was more of an "ignoring" narcissist, so I think there was an "energy" depletion and sucking of sorts - but in a different way. My understanding is that the 'engulfing' mother can be a nightmare in terms of boundaries, even including stalking etc. "Out of the Fog" is a good website for this kind of thing - lots of people understand. Good luck. Sounds like you have a nice relationship with your partner and your head screwed on otherwise. Don't let her f* with that.